Friday, September 16, 2016

Nobody died

Well, nobody died. Right?

I wake up this morning, birds chirping, sun out, the TV still works - ("She's fine, officer, just a bit shaken...") No bloody fingers in the trash. No holes in the walls. No floods, no molten lava, no trees down, nobody died...

Well... yeah... OK, Hope died. Faith died. Respect? Her face is on the milk carton. As you can see, I won't post the Wild Card standings today. I don't expect expect to do it again this year. There is nothing to see, nothing to ponder. It's not that I wish I were dead. I just wish I were a Comcast customer in New Jersey. 

It looks like Boston's year... again. Boston's decade. Boston's century? Boston's millennium? Too sour? Hell, if you're looking for optimism, why... are... you... here? Did you expect a Hallmark card full of uplifting inspiration? Jeeze. We can be six games in first, and on this site, you'd think the sky was falling. Nobody comes here for optimism... but... fukkit, we gave this a run.

Yes, we chased the Bud Selig Memorial Mediocrity-on-Display Wild Card slot, baseball's version of the dollar-and-a-dream Powerball lottery. We chased our tail, round and round, and we stretched out this miserable death-watch season until Sept. 15 - six extra weeks - not bad, considering that it was supposed to end Aug. 1. By now, we were supposed to be 10 games out and playing Zolio Almonte and Melky Mesa (Hey, Scranton won last night, woo-woo!)  All this... and wait! WE HAVE BILLY BUTLER!

OMG. Oh. My. God. It's the era of Billy Butler Butter Ball. When is Billy Butler Bobblehead Night? Billy Day? Hey, everybody, the phone lines are open: Should the Yankees re-sign Billy? Where will he fit in under Joe Girardi's big 2017 pennant push? Can he play left field? Could he close?

Wait! Ooh-ooh, jumpin' Jehovahsat! You know who should close? Eli Manning! Because, folks, it's football season! Hey, the Jersey Jints are undefeated, the leaves are turning, you can buy that sickening pumpkin beer in the stores, and soon it'll all be Trump-Trump-Trump. The last time the Yankees collapsed like this, four days later, America re-elected George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, and I thought it could never again in my lifetime get worser - and what did I know? Here we go, everybody. Buckle up your safety harness. We're gonna disappear 11 million people. Maybe one of them will be Billy Butler.

Awww, fukkit. Nobody died. Hey, the TV gets 200 channels, and I hear they're selling LSD in micro-doses! Isn't there a fantasy network somewhere, you know, a place where the Yankees win? The sun is out. The birds are chirping. They don't know what happened last night. God, they're lucky.

13 comments:

Cory Lidle's Scenic Air Tours said...

At least this puts the focus back on Moon Big Papi Day, where it belongs.

John M said...

Nothing was supposed to happen this year. The terrible thing is, something did happen. The Yankees did what they always do: gave us reason to believe, and then snatched it away in a stunning display of managerial and player incompetence.

And I fell for it. Again. I went from the pursuit of '66 to seeing the glass half full and hoping it wasn't urine from a failed Ortiz drug test.

Here's the crazy thing. If they win the next three games--as insane and Polyannaish as that sounds in the gray light of disaster--I'll be right back there, doing it again.

50 years of this, with what, six or seven where it all came together? The Cubs are taking it all this year anyway. That shows how far we've traveled into the Bizarro universe.

el duque said...

"If they win the next three games..."

John, stop it. STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Guess I'm back to the 'Anyone But Bawston' mantra, urrggggg!
OH, AND MOOOON BIG POOPIE!

Cory Lidle's Scenic Air Tours said...

Girardi has been here for nine seasons. good or bad (and there has been plenty of both), it's time for a change.

Anonymous said...

YOU MAY LAUGH AT THIS, BUT IF WE KEPT "COUNTRY BREAKFAST" IN THE GAME TO HIT, INSTEAD OF PINCH HIT MCCANN TO FACE KELLY, I BET WE WOULD ALL BE HAPPY TODAY.

ranger_lp said...

The AL has caught up to Bettances. All he is, is a good setup man. We need a to get a real closer in the off season. And I'm not saying Chapman is the answer either....

John M said...

"Country Breakfast"....I love that one.

We should start a new blog, "Fat and Obese Major Leaguers." Yeah, Bartolo, I'm lookin' at you.

Tom said...

Thanks for finding the bright side: "Nobody died." I am grateful for small blessings. Boston sucks!

joe de pastry said...

Betances is worn out.
Don't let him pitch again until next year; I don't want his arm to fall off.
Let's go Blue Jays!

Buhner's Ghost said...

You still get 200 channels on TV, but the one you have to thank for that is Big Papi.

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/AM3K/xfinity-best-offer-of-the-year-saavy-shopper-feat-david-ortiz

Moon at your own risk, you could be sacrificing your access to he YES Network.

Cory Lidle's Scenic Air Tours said...

I agree with this.

Tom said...

Just not good enough. No other way to describe it, although I'm sure we'll figure out a way.

Too bad we had to learn this in Boston. They kind of gave us a little rise for a while with some good play, but the past three nights have been brutal.

Continue to tear it down. Out with the old. In with the new.

Moon Big Pill Papi!