Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Yankeetorial: It's almost time to make history

Ladies and gentlemen, lads and lassies, boys and girls of all ages, fellow wearers of the Midnight Blue...

I come to you in mega-reality, without any gassy undercurrent of hype, to bathe naked today in the rancid pickle juice of truth...

We stand at the precipice of the most important moment in modern Yankee history.

Thursday night, Yankee fans must do what the franchise will not.

We must take things into our own hands - things like our butt cheeks. We must pay tribute to David Ortiz in our own unique and astonishingly memorable way.

We must moon Big Papi.

Listen: This is not public indecency. This is not lewdness or pornography. If you don't want to drop your pants, then don't. Just TURN, BEND AND POINT TO YOUR BUTT.

TURN, BEND AND POINT. 

This is not criminal lewdness. This is hilarity. This is fan direct action. This is childish - yes - and crazy, of course. But it will go down next to Ducky Medwick being pelted with veggies in the 1934 World Series - except no one throws anything, no one gets hurt. This will go down with the White Sox' Disco Demolition - except no one blows anything up, no one gets hurt. This will go down with Bernie serenading Jeet in Boston - except it doesn't drip with false sincerity... and last 90 minutes, nobody gets bored. 

This will be the first new universal tool of fans since the inception of The Wave.

Here's what's crazy: Papi even wants it. He will laugh. He will cry. It will become part of his legend. He understands what miserable Redsock trolls - the kind who cannot even enjoy a winning team - don't get: That a mass-mooning of David Ortiz will be forever remembered... fondly.

The Yankees won't mention it. They are a country club franchise, which is run with the puritanical zeal of your pearls-clutching Aunt Edna, the one who recites passages from Donald Trump books over Thanksgiving dinner. Last night, Michael Kay wouldn't even say the word "moon." He edited Papi's statements to suggest Ortiz talked about being "booed." Yes, the Yankees want no part of bootless and unhorsed fans. They want no silliness. They want millionaires who'll sit quietly until the scoreboard instructs them to cheer. Fans should never embarrass the franchise. That would bother Aunt Edna.

So Thursday night, let's do something crazy.

If you're squeamish about showing your butt, then don't. Just turn around, bend over, and point. 

TURN, BEND AND POINT. 

Fifty thousand people... turning, bending, pointing... he'll get the message. 

TURN, BEND AND POINT. 

It will a photograph for the ages. TURN, BEND AND POINT.

Last night, when Ortiz came up in the ninth, those weren't boos you heard. That was the fans yelling, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOON." Let's make history.

3 comments:

John M said...

I like this option. Perfectly legal, no risk involved.

Too bad the authorities don't have as much of a sense of humor as Ortiz does about this. It's almost enough to make you like him.

Almost.

KD said...

The fans in the old stadium would have mooned him for sure, plus there would have been some fights with redsock fans. But this option fits much better with the current state of Yankees fandom. either way it goes, it will be historic. it will also go unmentioned, unless Coney is in the booth. I hope to see papi rolling on the ground, convulsing in laughter with the fans watching at home having no freaking idea what is happening!

LOVE LBJ!

Anonymous said...

I AM GOING TO TURN BEND AND POINT....100%...... I WILL GET THE 3 GUYS WITH ME TO TURN POINT AND BEND, 100%........ IF THE T SHIRTS ARE BEING SOLD OUTSIDE THE STADIUM, I AM GOING TO BUY........ WE HAVE OUR TICKETS IN RIGHT FIELD, NOT FAR FROM THE FOUL POLE....... PAPI IS TRYING SO HARD TO BE LIKED, IT REALLY WANTS ME TO PULL MY ASS OUT..... YOU NEVER KNOW, AFTER MY 11TH BEER KICKS IN, I JUST MIGHT.