Friday, September 30, 2016

Yankees give Papi a painting, when they could have given him history

Seriously, a painting? Like he's got a bare wall? Where will it go? The garage?

A painting. No set of steak knives? Cuff links? Aroma Therapy Briquettes? Something from the Sharper Image catalog? (Leave the price tag, so he'll be impressed.) A painting?

No mass mooning.

At least, on TV, Papi mooned New York.

Last night, the Yankees won a game that epitomizes life: At the beginning, everything seemed so important; by the end, it was meaningless farce.

They gave David Ortiz a painting. If the TV coverage is any indicator, most fans stood, some didn't, everybody clapped, and nobody was seen giving Papi a sendoff he could never forget, and stop laughing over - a mass mooning to go down in the the "anals" of history.

So, as I say, he gave us one.


Frankly, I've seen most emotional farewells given to pizza delivery men, depending on how stoned the recipients were. All the while, the YES Publicity Patrol blathered about Hal Steinbrenner's incredible generosity - (they're worse than Rudy talking up Trump) - and the heroic "assroots campaign" to moon the man was never mentioned.

A painting? Really? How about:

1. An old Yankee bullpen car. (I know they're out there. Last winter, I saw one in Sarasota, Florida.) Let him drive the world, surrounded by the Yankee logo. Hah.

2. The tattered remnants of that Ortiz jersey they dug up under the new Yankee Stadium, back when it was under construction. If you remember: Some Redsock infiltrator attempted to hex the new stadium by burying Papi's uniform under the foundation. Frankly, I say we should bulldoze the park and start over, because the guy clearly buried another one. That would explain everything.

3. A fan-based mass mooning. Or "ass mooning." Today, I'm awaiting a first-hand report from Local Bargain Jerk - the 2016 IT IS HIGH Fan of the Year, by the way - on what happened. He's probably lashed to a seat, wearing a hood, heading to Git-Mo for breaking the esteemed Yankee Code of Personal Conduct (which never applied to Mel Hall and Chad Curtis, eh?). Nothing was mentioned on TV.

(I should note that I couldn't make it to the game because my wife and I were donning clown costumes and lurking in the woods near Syracuse, luring children to our candy cove. Bad night: It rained.)

And yes, though it was Big Papi's finale, let's face it: We are preparing to say farewell to a bunch of Yankees this winter.

Soon, everything about 2016 will be in a garage.

8 comments:

BernBabyBern said...

One thing I noticed, though. When Papi came to bat, YES had a tight shot on him that lingered, then only showed a small section of fans in Lonnie-boy Trost's "one percenters only" section. Normally, when someone is getting an ovation in a situation like that, you'd get a panning shot of the crowd. Not last night. ... They were ready for us. The YES Network (and MLB, I'll bet) made sure that no asses were going to get on TV last night except the ones in redsock uniforms on the field.

John M said...

Full attention and frustration can now be applied to the New York Football Giants. It makes for a simpler emotional environment.

Too cloudy last night. No moon.

KD said...

Is our LBJ in the county slammer?

John M said...

Since we have nothing left to lose that Girardi hasn't already lost for us, how about playing Country Breakfast at all nine positions in one of the games this weekend? Joe could create a whole new binder of data for himself and we'd get to see biscuit boy blobbulating all over the place. Could be fun.

ranger_lp said...

I was there last night...half the crowd were Red Sox fans...somebody on talk radio suggested the whole Ortiz ceremony was a way so sell tickets to a game that meant very little.

Anonymous said...

IT WAS LIKE 50/50 ..LOTS OF RED SOX FANS.....I DID THE BEST I COULD DRY MOONING PEOPLE WITH ORTIZ JERSEYS ON IN THE 3 BARS WE WENT TO BEFORE THE GAME....I TURNED BENDED AND POINTED IN THE FIRST INNING.....THE PROJECT DID NOT GO IN VEIN.....DON'T CARE IF I LOOKED LIKE AN ASS.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


When Bogaerts got a standing ovation after he hit his home run, I had the crowd at 55/45 Boston fans to NY fans. All of them stood, all of us sat. But we were outnumbered.

I was sickened by it.

I'll have more in the full post-game report.

Anonymous said...

At least Papi is smart enough to put the portraint someplace those nosy Univision reporters won't find it.