Thursday, August 15, 2013

Yankeetorial: The maketh or breaketh weekend approacheth

Tomorrow, we hit Fenway for what may be our last big weekend of 2013.

Saturday, we play the always hideous 4 p.m. game on FOX, offering Tim McCarver his chance to throw some final, Stage I Alzheimer beanballs at A-Rod. If you want a drinking game, take a swig every time Tim and Joe say the word "shameful." You'll be on the floor by the third inning.

Sunday night, we appear on the vaunted ESPN game, which is like being the featured guest on "Judgement at Nuremberg," hosted by Curt Schilling. Mr. "Don't Tread on Me" is probably re-reading the Mitchell Report as we speak.

It will be a weekend of condemnation - of Yankee guilt, Yankee treachery and Yankee evil - laid out by the self-appointed morality squad of national TV, who are summoning their spittle right now - rehearsing their outrage in the studio, praying for an end to this brief Yankee resurgence, so America's youth can escape the corruption of having to hear the names "Yankees" and "Alex Rodriguez"  spoken over the public airwaves.

Maybe they will take to the field and stop the game themselves, like protestors in Egypt and Syria, standing up for what is right, and halting this steroid menace - while also drawing their last big Nielsen weekend.

But throughout their rants and ravings, remember this: If they wanted to rid the country of the taint of A-Rod, the moral media could simply go somewhere else this weekend. Aren't Cleveland and Kansas City in the throes of a hot Wild Card race?

Well, that aint gonna happen. This weekend is gold-plated. It's a combination of A-Rod hatred - always a just and moral stand, (though the last time I looked, Alex hadn't cost the taxpayers of Rhode Island $75 million) - the sports world's greatest fake rivalry (good grief, Youkilis came over, and there was hardly a peep) - and the reality that one bad Yankee series will put MLB's New York metropolitan market to sleep for the rest of 2013.

If the Yanks lose three in Boston, Gotham turns the channel to Eli Manning until next April. 

So here we go. As Yogi would say, it's gotten late early. If we take them in Boston, we'll be riding high, and we'll likely stay in the race through September 1. But a three or four-game losing streak puts us out to pasture. (By the way, it's an inevitability - but at least we can have fun imagining otherwise.) 

Place your candles around the TV, folks. I'd call for a juju intervention, but I'm not sure whether the Yankees won't be better off in the long haul by getting Jerry Cooneyed early, and starting to prepare for next year's overhaul. This weekend should clarify everything. Close your eyes Friday night, and you'll think it's 2002 with Roger Clemens returning to Fenway.

Just don't try any drinking games. 


Alphonso said...

I like everything you say, except for the last sentence.

So here is what i propose;

1. Start with 4 fresh growlers per person
2. Invest in a bottle of Crown Royal Black ( or reserve if the market bounces back )
3. Wash and polish your best shot glass.
4. Turn on the game.
5. Listen for the El Duque word
6. Drink upon mention, and any upon any clear ( no mention ) innings.
7. Call me in the morning

Parson Tom said...

before I prepare for the drinking games, I thought I'd share this item from today's NY Times. It appears that Tyler Kepner has been reading this blog, at long last. The shameful part, the part that made me squirm, is the quotes from Cashman, where he indicates things went wrong, mistakes were made, bad stuff happens -- as though the fates were capricious and arbitrary and nobody is responsible. Read it and weep:

KD said...

Should be a fun weekend of Yankee baseball. My 2.5 y.o. granddaughter will be visiting from Baltimore. She is remarkably resistant when I attempt to teach her the old standards, such as "Let's go Yankees" or "I love you, Derek!" (OK, that last one is mine. Is it wrong to have a little manlove in your heart? If it's for a Yankee future HOFer, NO!!!) Even at this young age, she's been poisoned by the Orioles. I do blame her mother.

I'll get my favorite bourbon out (Blanton's) and join the "Shameful" Duque Drinking Game. And I will cheer if the dwarf monkey or the big, ugly poopy gets beaned. Yes, I actually am that bad a person.

A sweep!! We can do this!! Let's Go Yankees!!

SanJoseKid said...

Have fun, KD. First thing I taught my daughter to do at the old ballyard was to BOO. She's a serious Yankee fan today and now we are brainwashing the grandkid, who is being groomed to follow in Robinson Cano's footsteps (but if he dogs it down to first base, he gets a spanking).

JM said...

I just shut off the game following Chris Nelson's grand salami. (Chris fucking Nelson, for Chrissake!)

Judging from that Times article, Cashman has started the drinking game very early, sometime last winter, and continues to play more than is healthy for his brain cells.

Can we beat Boston in a sweep? Seems like a long shot. But we have won two series in a row, which is amazing in itself. Winning the series in Shrapneland would be good enough for me. Although a sweep would be better.

Oh, I know, 'Shrapneland' was another terrible, tasteless, low joke. I just can't stand that city. Boston Strong my ass.