Monday, December 16, 2013

To solve all their problems, the Yankees are looking to their old friend, Mr. Scrap Heap

From today's NY Post:

General manager Brian Cashman has said he would prefer to act quickly to fill holes, but acknowledged last week that might not be possible and added the Yankees may have to wait until players are released during spring training.

Gee, this sounds hopeful. We're going to wait until March 29, when the Astros and Royals make their final cuts, and we'll pounce. Like last year. Remember Ben Francisco? Or as The Master called his home run, "a Ben Francisco treat!" Remember Lyle Overbay? Remember our starting shortstop:  Jayson Brignac-Cruz-Gonzalez-Ryan-Nunez?

What a great year, 2013. Our primary DH - Travis Hafner - hit .202.  That's not much better than if our pitchers had hit. And old Ichiro wasn't our only starting player whose On Base Percentage sank into Lenn Sakata territory - below .300. Vernon Wells' OBP checked in at .282, Chris Stewart tallied .293 and the great Yankee reclamation of 2013, Mr. Overbay, .managed a crisp 295.

After Robbie Cano - who has gone off to explore his manhood through facial hair - our best hitter was Brett Gardner. He batted .273. And despite the dial tone blatherings of Randy Levine, Gardy remains the best bet to be traded for one simple reason: He is the only player we have that anybody wants.

In other words, little has changed from Christmas 2102. Hal poor-mouthed then. He's poor-mouthing now. We made a splurge with three free agents - lost all our top picks, we don't even have to attend the first day of next June's draft - signing three brittle pieces, each who needs 50 games at DH. But Jeet will also need 50 at DH. Tex will need 50. Soriano could use 50. If A-Rod comes back... good grief, we can have a six-man DH starting rotation, with two middle-innings DHs and a DH closer for the ninth. As for our fourth starter? Maybe the Mets will release somebody.

Folks, we are back to the scrap heap, back to combing garage sales and congratulating ourselves if we find that rare electric can opener that still works. I can't wait to see who we get in March! He'll be a former all-star - that you can bet. He'll be pushing 35, coming off three bad seasons. He'll hit .330 for us in April, and we'll give Brian Cashman an award, a certificate of achievement!  By July, our former star's OBP will be .280, and we'll be combing the scrap heap for yet another door prize.

But we will not try a rebuilding year. No sir. With the Yankees, there is no such thing. We never rebuild. We recycle. The Evil Empire? Meh. We're the Retrieval Empire. Same as it ever was. (Hit forehead with palm.) Same at is ever was. (Hit forehead with palm.) Hey, is Tony Womack still out there?

1 comment:

JM said...

'General manager Brian Cashman has said he would prefer to act quickly to fill holes'

God, this is too easy. I can't do it. I just can't.