Virtual Baseball: Montezuma's Revenge: Yanks Rout Cortes. Thairo Hero, a Win for Mr. Zero.

The Virtual New York Yankees finished a sweep of the sinking Mariners in today's Memorial Day Game, with Thairo Estrada's high-bouncing double over the head of Seattle third baseman Shed Long scoring three runs in a dramatic, 9-8, walk-off win that sent Estrada's pharaonic following into paroxysms of joy sufficient to have re-parted the Red Sea.

Asked about his newfound celebrity after the game and the thousands of Yankees fans wearing Egyptian headdresses at today's game, Estrada told reporters, "You know, it's not pronounced that way."

However you say it, "Thairo" sounded a lot like "win" today.  The bulletproof infielder had two more hits as well as his game winner, which only epitomized the Yankees' changing fortunes. Long was only in the game because Gold Glove Seattle third baseman, Kyle "Give That Man A" Seagar was attacked by "Challenger," the same American bald eagle that brutalized general manager Brian Cashman on Opening Day.

"I don' know what happen," said his trainer, Zog Hoxha, who like Challenger actually hails from Albania.  "Iz all good, then he see special Stadium rat dog, go berserk."

Going to Shed Long only seemed to further weaken the confidence of starter Nestor Cortes, Jr., the former Yankees prospect, who was also touched up for home runs by Mike Ford and Gia Urshela.

And still another highly overrated Yankee prospect got his chance to make his major-league debut today, this time Albert Abreu, who was considered a can't-miss superstar sometime during the Obama administration.  Abreu, who had a 5.45 ERA in Scranton when he was called up, was hit hard, surrendering 6 runs in just 4 innings of work.

Bailing out the Yanks was largely ignored bullpen lug nut Adam Ottavino, "Mr. Zero," who was indeed a hero today with two key innings of scoreless relief work, after hitting the first batter he saw with a pitch when the bases were loaded.

Meanwhile, the Yankees honored some real heroes as part of their Memorial Day Festivities.

Since the Steinbrenner family's lavish Memorial Day and Fourth of July celebrations have already covered veterans from every major American conflict going back to King Philip's War, today's ceremony paid homage to the heroes of the Second Dominican Intervention, from April-May, 1965.

The veterans of the conflict on hand bravely disavowed any intimation that they had suffered unduly during the confused and absurdist conflict, and seemed a little unclear as to why they were at the Stadium.

"Hell, we were just glad we weren't goin' to 'Nam," remembered Pvt. Tyrone "Clean" Miller.  "But I guess we made the D.R. safe for another 20 years of strongman rule."