The Houston Astros celebrated "Heritage Day" in style at Jett Rink Park this afternoon, routing the virtual New York Yankees, 11-6. Only a home run and two doubles by Miguel Andujar brightened the Yanks' otherwise dismal, seventh straight loss, which left the team ten games behind Tampa Bay.
The Bombers, throwing out yet another in a long line of underprepared, overwhelmed pitchers, started Luis Gil, who had been having a mediocre year at Trenton this season. After breezing through the first three innings, Gil was summarily routed by a Houston team that openly gloried in its cheating.
Disdaining the notorious hidden wires from the playoffs, Astros stars Jose Altuve and George Springer carried cellphones up to the plate, and openly discussed what pitch was coming next from the Astros' "Spies in the Skies"—fans selected at random to convey the information to them from a Houston coach.
Meanwhile, other 'Stros fans freely paraded through the stands carrying Confederate battle flags and signs reading, "MAYBE IF WE'D CHEATED THEN WE WOULD'VE WON!"
The first pitch was thrown out by Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick—born Dannie Scott Goeb, in Baltimore—who told the sell-out crowd, "It's not hate, it's heritage. And the heritage is hate." The divorced, bankrupt, former bar owner and evangelical then led the crowd in prayer, asking God to please not let the Bahais suffer too much in hell.
"Y'all come on back now tomorrow for 'Show Us Your Guns Night!'" Goeb Patrick told the crowd in parting.
Meanwhile, upstate yokels Todd Peyton and Hart Seals formally filed suit in New York County today, to stop the continued use by the Yankees of old Phil Rizzuto recordings in their current daily radio broadcasts.
"They are just small, angry men with hairy faces and burning feet, running away from poverty, intolerance, law, and the army," remarked Yankees creature Lonn Nol Trost.
"And the army," added fellow Yankees creature Randy Levine.
Sunday, May 17, 2020
Virtual Baseball: Astros Blast Off On Gil; Celebrate Heritage Day.
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4 comments:
This is so good. And, I think, maybe very underappreciated.
Hoss, you've penned some very funny posts, but for me, this is the top of the tops. Beyond funny. Scathing.
Can you get nominated for a Pulitzer writing for IIH?
Thanks, man. It's been fun.
And as for the Pulitzer? Well, that's one of my favorite lines in perhaps the WORST movie ever to utilize Yankee Stadium, "Finding Forrester":
Rob Brown, aspiring writer, trying for some prep school writing prize:
"Have you ever competed for a prize?"
Sean Connery, playing about the 500th movie rip-off of J.D. Salinger's actual life:
"Of course."
"What?"
(With full Scottish brogue): "The Poo-litzer!"
Which he is supposed to have won for a book called, I think, "Albion Ascending."
Heeheeheeheehee. You can't make this stuff up. Or unfortunately, you can.
Every fucking word is true.
Gobsmacked again.
Thnx, Hoss
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