Virtual Off-Day: Light the Bush! Baseball Emerges from Long Desert Sojourn, Spies the Promised Land.

The long meeting—and melding—of the minds sparked by Virtual Yankees slugger Giancarlo Stanton resulted in a cosmic reordering of the baseball universe today, as Commissioner Rob Manfred, Players' Union head Tony Clark, Stanton, and assorted, half-naked, drool-covered assistants stepped blinking into the desert light, to announce a wide-ranging new agreement that promises to transform MLB into OMG.

"There will be peace in our time," announced Clark, waving aloft a piece of paper on which the two parties had scrawled the main tenets of their agreement.

Manfred, who now, somehow, was dressed entirely in white, from his suit down through his shoes, and with long white hair that fell to his shoulders, agreed.  The two new buddies stood with arms around their shoulders, grinning from ear to ear, as they listened to Giancarlo Stanton—who both termed, "a man of knowledge"—read out what he called:  "A Yanqui Way of Knowledge:  Let Baseball Be Baseball Again."

The wide-ranging agreement has not yet been finalized, but the main points have been agreed upon, and are as follows:

—The price of all baseball tickets, souvenirs, concessions, and television plans will be immediately slashed in half.

—The top price of any ticket in any ballpark will be capped at $100.

—After this season, all private suites in all ballparks will be either converted back to individual seats, or distributed to fans on a lottery basis.

—All clubs will agree in writing never again to accept any public money for capital projects or for the operations of their teams.  Teams will never again play cities off each other for monetary purposes.  And no team will solicit or accept any special tax breaks.

—The major-league draft is hereby abolished.

—No players shall be signed by any team until they are at least 18.  All players signed by teams will have the right to consult legal counsel, which will be provided free of charge.

—Players will now have the right to sell their services in the market place like anyone else.  Arbitration is abolished.  So is any waiting period before players are eligible for free agency.

—Every team will be forced to abide by a payroll floor, as well as a ceiling, to truly promote competitive balance.

—Each major-league team will contribute at least $25 million a year to their community, with special emphasis on poor neighborhoods and youth services.

—Major-league baseball will make a concerted effort to not simply sign ballplayers from the Dominican Republic, but also to ensure that all players graduate from high school, and have enough to eat and decent shelter.

—Both owners and players will make a major effort to improve the lives not only of Dominican players, but to develop  the D.R. and helping to seriously ameliorate poverty there.

—Pay for minor-league ballplayers will be doubled, and players who never make the majors will be eligible for pension money and benefits when they reach the age of 65.

—The constriction of the minor leagues will not only be ended but reversed, with whole new leagues started throughout the United States.

—Minor leagues will all consist of franchises grouped close to each other, to curtail endless bus rides and maximize rest or at least sinus-cleansing intercourse for young players.

—The Players' Union will collect and distribute at least $250 million a year to pay for part of the community programs, benefits, and lower prices listed above.

—Players will regularly take part in promoting the game before, during, and after the regular season, and interact with fans and youth leagues whenever possible.

—Video replay is hereby abolished.  The pay of all umpires is doubled.

—No formal rules will be instituted to control the positioning of players.  The minimum number of batters a pitcher must face will be abolished.

—Any pitcher not throwing a pitch within a designated period of time, will be formally pantsed on the field, by the second-base umpire.

—Player development will now stress such skills as hitting to the opposite field, bunting, and other fundamentals.

—The Players' Union and the owners will co-sponsor major, objective research into such subjects as the physiology of pitching and exactly how performance-enhancing drugs interact with the human body.

—No stadium will be named after a corporate sponsor of any kind.

—No audio ads will be played in any stadium.

—No music other than organ music will be played in any stadium.

—All ballpark food will be edible by human beings, and reasonably free of vermin feces.

—The pay of all ballpark employees will be doubled, but rudeness to customers will punishable by being immediately remanded to a camp—a summer camp, where the offending employee shall be forced to work as a counselor.

—Public bathrooms in all ballparks will be spotless.

—Any fans throwing anything at players or fellow fans, spitting on people, or interfering with balls in play, will be immediately ejected.

Further details of the agreement are expected to be released over the weekend.  The deal will require the full ratification of players and owners at the All-Star break.

In the meantime, Virtual Baseball welcomes further suggestions from all interested fans.


Appraised of the tentative agreement, Yankees general manger Brian Cashman, encased in his special, eagle protection helmet, remarked, according to some reporters, "I am altering the deal.  Pray I don't alter it any further."

Others thought that he might have said, "Can you pour a malted in through this steel?  May I say this is murder?"