In the footsteps of Jake Bauers, Willie Calhoun, Billy McKinney and Franchy Cordero - that is, anybody with a pulse - the Yankees Friday signed 25-year-old corner outfielder OF Oscar Gonzalez off the MLB "preowned" waiver pile.
There are many poetic and scientific ways to describe such an acquisition. Modern analytics provide keen insights into the hidden talents of every player, so powerful alchemists such as Brian Cashman can mix together their special recipes for winning world championships.
My favorite measurement is an obscure and outmoded statistic, which fails to consider radar gun readings and launch angles, the two most important calculations of offensive prowess. It compares the number of hits recorded to the number of at-bats, a rather flimsy calibration which analytical masters rightfully dismiss. Nevertheless, I offer it in the hope that it shall provide some sense of the magnitude of this acquisition.
Last year, Gonzalez compiled a batting average of .214. (Note: He also hit 2 HRs.)
Looks like a perfect fit, no?
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gonzo - adjective. - gon·zo ˈgän-(ˌ)zō
1: of, relating to, or being a style of journalism marked by a lack of objectivity due to the writer's immersion in the subject and often participation
2: weird, unusual, eccentric
3: an ridiculous and absolute ending, usually caused by carelessness and/or a lack of thoughtfulness
When he doesn't work out, whaddaya suppose his exit velo will be when he walks out the door?
I knew Jake Bauer, he’s no Jake Bauer!
At .214, that makes him a dynamo in this rancid offense.
Plus, he's a right handed hitter. Can never have enough right handed hitting, right?
This kid ticks all the boxes. Can't hit, can't hit for power, hits right-handed. The only fly in the ointment is that he's 25--far too young for a can't-hit roster addition on the Yankees.
But he was beloved in Cleveland because he performed along with his walk-up music, the theme from SpongeBob SquarePants.
Maybe he's being given to Swisher as a special assignment. If we could get the Pharaoh back they could form a new version of Fun Boy Three (bonus points if you get the early-80s musical reference).
That wouldn't work, though. Thairo hits too much.
"The lunatics have taken over the asylum..."
Far be it from me to support such a meaningless acquisition, but Gonzo had a pretty good rookie year before falling of the table last season.
His most pertinent stat: in his career he’s compiled 20 walks against 121 strikeouts, a trend which will no doubt be exacerbated by the teams “close your eyes and swing as hard as you can” coaching philosophy.
Can never have too many right hand hitting corner outfielders.
He'll like Scranton. Nice cozy ballpark.
And Duque, that stat looks like it may require an abacus to compute. Where do you get such crazy evaluation methods?
I enjoyed this piece from Pinstripe Alley, it has a IIHIIFIIC vibe about it:
https://www.pinstripealley.com/2023/12/2/23983867/yankees-christmas-holiday-movie-characters-aaron-judge-aaron-boone
Greg allens younger and unnecessary replacement
Duque, I just don't understand your radical new statistical measure. So, you're proposing something that would tell us the percentage by which the hitter got actual hits?
Weird, man!
The great work of Genius Cashman. Premier putz!
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