HAL: I'm leaving. I cannot wait any longer.
CASH: No, we must stay! We must stand here, silently, diligently, pondering the essence of our flimsy existence. Life is but a dark hole in an ever-blackening abyss, and we must acknowledge it.
[They stand, unmoving, for seven days and nights, symbolizing the passing of a week.]
HAL: He's not coming. You saw how he looked at LA. He's going Hollywood. You could see it in his eyes.
CASH: No. He likes me! He really does! I was there for his no-hitter. I shook his hand, my firmest grip, made eye-contact, did the bow thing - aced it. He likes me! I know it!
HAL: This is a meaningless charade. Hope is a dog with three heads. Not only that, but I gotta pee. He is not coming.
CASH: He will come. It's been foretold in the analytics.
HAL: We waited for Rodon. Look what happened.
CASHMAN: He is not Rodon.
HAL: We waited for Sonny Gray. We wanted for Micheal Pineda. We waited for-
CASH: Stop! No more! He is not Sonny Gray! He is not Pineda! He is different. And he likes me! He will come.
[They stand, silently pondering the fundamental emptiness of despair and the looming eternity of nothingness, which awaits us.]
HAL: I fear that we shall wait here forever. I don't even know what that is... "forever."
CASH: I'll tell you what is forever. Giancarlo is forever.
GIANCARLO: You rang? Hey, beautiful night. Either of you got a cig? Where are the brewskies?
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21 comments:
Hilarious! And all too true.
Per the NY Post's Jon Heyman, Yanks have a good shot to land the Moto Man, 2 to 1 odds, same as the Dodgers.
I don't know about that. Seems to me that the Yanks are the long shot to get him. All we can do is hope.
But the Yanks need not wait on that. They should go ahead and make other deals. Get the other free agent pitchers.
Remember, "MOTO" is an anagram for "MOOT," which sums up pretty well his significance to the team.
SURE, he's a "generational player," as all the pundits like to repeat. He's in his contract year, which seems to focus these guys more than most. I don't care. He's a rental and a mercenary (aren't we all?) and I don't see him doing more than Cano did in a good year. Sorry to say this, and I know I'm in the minority. Please prove me wrong, Mister Moto.
MORE TO THE POINT, Los Yanquis are NOT serious about winning. When you're fanatical about winning, you'll burn down the barn. Hal ain't burning down no barns. He leaves a PROVEN TURD OF INEPTITUDE in charge of the baseball operation and, in fact, rewards him.
Wake me up when it's over.
HOLY SHIT - TALK ABOUT BRAIN FARTS - I was talking about SOTO in my previous post, which I'll leave up as a reminder of human wrong and cognitive decline. The anagram for SOTO is "SOOT," a far cry from "MOOT."
MOTO - I still maintain we're not serious and won't land him.
SOTO - What I said still goes, including the "MOOT" part.
And, as a final aside and demonstration of my laser-sharp mind, I'll point out that YAMAMOTO is an anagram for "ATOM MAYO," which is what happens when you use too much mayo on a tuna sandwich, then go to the game and have a hot dog and the whole shebang explodes in your gut. Where's the mens' room?
I feel the odds of our signing himare about the same as any other team, but “Mystique” and “Aura” are just two sagging strippers at a third rate carny. Money talks, and Stanton walks (around the bases)
Harumph. My comment early this morning has been disappeared.
It was, "And just as in real on-the-field life, Stanton appears for a cameo."
So there.
As for Moto...like Peter Lorre, we'll come up short.
They'd have a better chance at signing Mr. Moto the wrestler, except he died 20 years ago.
Duque - Always good to read. Well done.
My favorite parody of Waiting For Godot was done by the National Lampoon Radio Hour. In it Godot eventually shows up.
Now days, everything is so dumbed down if Godot showed up it would be to fart.
Or as Joe said in Idiocracy, "People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories, so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting."
Sigh.
If he has any pride....I don't think playing 2nd fiddle to Ohtani is appealing...if I'm 25 yo stud I'm making a name for myself on the biggest stage...Matsui Kuroda Tanaka etc
Still a great comment, JM!
Bitty, I'd pay cash money for a player as good as Cano was in his Yankee years. By any statistical measure—and by observation—he was light years ahead of the Gleyber, often the best-fielding second baseman in baseball, and a terrific hitter.
All right, sure, much of it was probably juice-produced, he was a poor playoff performer, and there was that attitude. But if Soto were to give us an all-around performance like that, I'd be overjoyed.
I think the bigger worry is that they're not going all out to win, as you write. That might well chase away Soto—why the hell should he spend the rest of his career playing for marginal playoff teams?—and will stink in general.
YY is a must, of they're serious. And you have a point, Hammer. They should at least go get Hader, right now. That could only enhance the chances of signing the Admiral.
Guffman never showed either.
mr. bit, the brain fart was probably just the acid hangover. Too much mayo on anything ruins it. And Soto is moot without Moto.
Doug, you're onto something about Idiocracy. Ca$hole is the guy fertilizing the crop with Brawndo.
(I battled autocorrect typing this entire post. Man do I hate it!)
I LOVED Cano...until I didn't.
His air swings and the descent into joggery took a lot of the shine off that apple. Then the way he showed zero loyalty to the team. Call me an asshole, but I remember vendettas and that rubbed me the wrong way.
But those first few years, those great doubles and that big smile. What a moment in time that was. 'THOSE WERE THE DAYS, MY FRIEND, WE THOUGHT THEY'D NEVER END. WE'D SING AND DANCE FOREVER AND A DAY..."
Time for my daily cry. Tuck me in, Groucho, and have Wile E. Coyote make me a cup of dynamite tea.
I hear ya, Bitty. And it seemed to be just such a thoughtless, silly decision. He went to a Seattle team that was never going to contend, just so Jay-zee could get bragging rights? Witless—and didn't show much of a devotion to winning at that point in his career.
Just wanted to share a hilarious line from a Fan-sided writer, one Christopher Kline, making "an argument" for the Phillies signing YY:
"The Phillies should be able to woo Yamamoto with an impressive pitch, rooted in the organization's decorated history and the team's current star power."
"Decorated history"? The Phillies have lost more games than anyone in the history of professional baseball—which means they have lost more games than anyone in the history of professional sports, period.
That's pretty fucking decorated.
And more hilarity off the internet, this one from someone named Alex House, at something called "Clutchpoints," on the trade of Billy McKinney for cash:
"The New York Yankees are thinking big for 2024 and beyond. Following a 2023 campaign replete with disappointment and frustration, general manager Brian Cashman is clearly intent on launching the team back into prominence. Juan Soto is a massive upgrade in the lineup and Yoshinobu Yamamoto could be the second ace the starting pitching rotation needs.
"Their latest transaction could potentially allow them to even add another high-profile player...
"This pivotal roster move shows just how serious the front office is about acquiring young, high-level talent. Admittedly, there is a strong likelihood these resources would be used on another prospect, instead of Yamamoto. In any case, this type of proactive mindset is what fans crave.
"Fans should be thrilled that the Yankees have some options."
Umm, is it Opposite Day? Or rather, just another day of various minions on the internet stroking the egos of the Lords of Baseball?
Rufus, Huffman got there!! Don't be one of the "ass people"!
Remember lads, we don't know how to play 4-D chess like the Brain. We are mere mortals, shleps, baseball ignoramuses who should be content to swell our guts on Hal's E-Coli dogs while buying Stanton swag and watching our boys career towards another 1-game wildcard game. Zombies, I tell you. That's what they want of us.
13bit, Looks like making the one game wildcard game were the good old days. 2024 looking to be a Yankee pitching apocalypse. Another last place finish most likely.
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