"Inmates, here are your keys. The propane tanks are down the hall, rat poison is right up in the cupboard, next to the salt. Anything else you need?"

 

So according to news reports, Jazz Chisholm—seen here delivering a ringing knockout blow to himself—suggested that he bat leadoff. 

Manager Aaron Boone, always happy to have someone else do his job for him, gladly acquiesced. Here are some thoughts on last night's "performance":

1—The Yankees, beginning their annual "June Swoon"—following this year's new, April and May swoons—have lost 7 of their last 9 games.

2—In those 9 games, they have averaged 2.6 runs a game (if you round their production upwards a tick) and just 2.3 a game (if you don't count last night's extra inning with the Manfred Man).

3—In none of those games have they managed to score as many as 5 runs. In none of those game have they managed to slap out as many as 10 hits. In fact, they have averaged only 6 hits a game.

4—In those 9 games, the Yankees have committed 12 errors—and could easily have been charged with more. 

5—Jazz. Oh, Jazz. There is, of course, no actual baseball reason—old or new—why Jazz Chisholm should ever hit cleanup. During this latest slide, he is 5-30, with 1 home run and 2 RBI. 

He does not hit with the sort of overwhelming power that makes modern baseball analysts insist he get that extra at-bat that batting first (sometimes) brings. He has all of 12 home runs on the year. 

He is not a master of the strike zone, or someone who excels at getting on base. So far this season, he has 34 walks—and 91 strikeouts, along with a .306 OBP. During the nine-game swoon, he has walked exactly once—and struck out 10 times.

6—So far this season, Jazz has: 

Declared that he will be the second, 50-50 man in baseball history.

Aired his hopes for a $300-million contract.

Taken a stand for his right to suck lollipops in the field.

Gotten our best player injured, by racing out to right in a game already hopelessly lost.

Nearly desexed himself with a borrowed bat.

Got himself ejected from the same game in which he attempted to rejuvenate the club by batting first.

Worn everyone else's pants.

And yet, here he given free rein to decide where he will hit in the lineup. Sigh.

7—It's not just how bad the Yanks have been of late. It's how bad the baseball has been, period. In last night's MLB, showcase game of the week, only 3 of the 9 runs were earned. 

There was some excitement at the end...after seemingly countless innings of awful hitting. Right now, this is as bad as hitting team as I have ever seen the Yankees be—and I've seen teams that had Jake Gibbs, Jerry Kenney, and Stick Michael in the same lineup.  

8—But it's not like Red Sox were tearing up the pea patch, either. These are both terribly mediocre ballteams, in a league full of mediocre teams, reflecting a hopelessly mediocre style of baseball. 

We gave them two runs on yet another critical error by our third baseman of the day. They gave us four back, thanks to their right fielder, Wilyer Abreu's throwing problems ("Wil-yer throw somewhere somebody can catch it, Abreu?"). 

Six unearned runs out of nine. You stay classy MLB!

9—This brand of baseball has got to end. Maybe next year, they will put us out of our misery, and blow it all up with another, apocalyptic lockout/strike. Right now, that's our best hope.

For now, I am happy to report that, after last night's travesty, your New York Yankees' chances of making the playoffs actually went down! Um, all the way from 99.9 to 99.8 percent. And...their chances of winning the World Series actually INCREASED, to 21.2 percent, nearly 4 times that of the next closest AL team, the Guardians of Traffic. 

Okay, then.

10—It occurs to me, most uncomfortably, that the latest schneid started with, ahem, our attendance at that game against the Reds. Could it be that...WE are the evil eye??? The jinx, the hex, the Valknut???  

Heaven forbid. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some soccer to watch.