They'll feature the great Shohei Ohtani, the modern Babe Ruth, though he'll miss a matchup with Aaron Judge, the new Giancarlo. The Yankee captain will spend Friday getting MRIs - the new X-rays - of his fractured rib, the new torn hammy.
Pitching will be Yoshi Yamamoto, the new Pedro, against Cam Schlittler, the new Gerrit Cole, (unless the old Gerrit Cole returns.)
Yankee manager Aaron Boone, the new Gene Mauch, will send out Ben Rice, the new Tino, and Jazz Chisholm, the next Juan Sojo - that is, unless 2027 becomes the new 1994. If that happens, Rob Manfred becomes the new Nero, and baseball becomes the new Edmund Fitzgerald.
Either way, over this all-star break - the new era of soccer - the world is changing. Travis & Tay are the new Joe & Marilyn, Netflix is the new Standard Oil, Elon Musk is the new Cornelius Vanderbilt, and Mitch McConnell is the new asparagus. Truth is the new lie, war is the new peace, and we are the new barbarians.
Friday, it's the Dodgers. The new season begins.
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31 comments:
El DooKay ?
I have a very serious and important question.
Is this why my urine smells weird after seeing a picture or article about Mitch McConnell ?
Dodgers take the series in 5. Knicks also in 5. Yankees....uh...and fuck the Jets, by the way...
Who is doing the sniff test? Perhaps their schnoz is compromised. Get a second opinion. Heraclitus said, "Man cannot judge his own urine."
I haven’t been.
I retain a team of on-call, in home medical professionals whose job is to uh, like - you know . . . audit, review and analyze just about anything Medical related. The team’s ENT (Polly) confirmed my McConnell Piddle Theory on Monday.
What do you eat these days? It's directly related to what you're eating and drinking.
Get ready for a bloody beat down. Lock up your daughter, lock up your wife. Sharpen your knives and clean your guns. Won't be too pretty.
"the world is changing"
Feels like it's time for some Bryan Adams:
Man we were killin' time
We were young and restless
We needed to unwind
I guess nothin' can last forever, forever, no!
And now the times are changin'
Look at everything that's come and gone
Sometimes when I play that old six-string
I think about you, wonder what went wrong
Standin' on your mama's porch
You told me that it'd last forever
Oh, and when you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life
Oh, yeah.
Back in the summer of '69
Me and my baby in a 69!
HoG - this joke was based on ED stating in his open that Mitch McConnell is the new asparagus.
See above.
The sequel is never as good as the original ED...
I knew that!
Congrats to Cody Bellinger for snaring the All Star Game MVP! But what a piece of shit that affair was. It's almost unrecognizable from, say, back in the late nineties. That said, the A.L. pitchers looked very good, very sharp. I'm glad Cam Schlittler sat out the action. No way would I want to see our guy gettin' drilled in the 1st inning, throwing 30 pitches. Look what happened to the N.L. starter.
I think the MVP decision making has got to change. Should be "MOST VALUABLE PLAYERS". They should give it to several players or even give an honorable mention to a bunch. Like yesterday, the A.L. pitchers should've got a piece of it. Maybe give 'em a pie. Have an end of game pie cutting and eating ceremony. Bellinger gets half a pie. Ben Rice gets a quarter pie. And then all the A.L. pitchers get a quarter pie. That would be so much more fair, given that nobody pitches more than one inning or gets more than a couple of at-bats.
Excellent post El D!
I don’t like asparagus. The vegetable, or that green thing that gets served as a side dish.
This is good pot roast. Can you pass the Mitch?
Speaking of the New Babe Ruth, I caught the last half or so of the hour-long Babe Ruth doc on HBO (maybe?) last night. Ohtani may be a great player for our day and age, but he's no Babe Ruth. Nobody has ever been or will be. A singularity of history.
I figured that you did :)
I like the most valuable playerS concept
Nor is he a vegetable . . .
It’s not about the asparagus, dammit!
Ohtani is a bowl of fragrant urine.
I agree, JM. Ruth changed the entire course of baseball—and with it, the entire course of professional sports, taking it all big time. And let me know when Ohtani is able pitch a second complete game, or field a chance at any position save for pitcher.
HaaHaaHaa
Great piece, Peerless Leader! And I think we should name this coming weekend for that movie: There Will Be Blood. Mostly, ours.
I’ve always hated the all star game. Glad Sclittler didn’t pitch.
If you want to know where I’m coming from, I really only care about one thing - winning the World Series. Everything else is just window dressing to me
Yeah, the contemporary All-Star Game is abysmal. Glad as I was to see the AL win (They never did when I was a kid!), and to see Yankees do well (They never did when I was a kid!), I can only watch the game by turning off both sound and captions.
I hate the now constant chattering with players and managers. Not to mention all the ridiculous interruptions of the action. Kids on old-fashioned bikes!...
...The "Stand-Up to Cancer" moment is appalling—and now seems here to stay. Pressuring people to stand up and make a "statement" about what must be one of the most traumatic—and most private—events in their lives? What is wrong with us?
Not to mention the awful anthropomorphizing of cancer, and the horrible idea that you can face down this disease...with the not-so-subtle implication that if you DO die of cancer, you're just not trying hard enough. YUCCH!
But in terms of the game itself, this is what happens when your constant goal is parity: an all-star game of pitchers with decent ERAs throwing an inning a pop, and .250 hitters with some power in the No. 4-5 slots. These guys are STARS?
In the end: 4 runs, 10 hits, 4 walks...and 27 strikeouts. Great.
Ohtani plans on moving on from his current slate of celebrity endorsed beverages to launch his own new line of sports drinks, branded as:
OHTANI FALLS
With the first group of drinks called:
THE ZONE
POUND THE ZONE - STAY IN THE ZONE - OHTAIN'S . . .
THE ZONE !
hard to watch the stand up to cancer segment
A few things ...
1) Really good post Duque.
2) The production of the All-Star game tried to jam so much into it that, when a NL player who I was unfamiliar with came to bat they showed his name and stats and then removed them so fast I couldn't finish reading it and I'm a SPEED READER!
3) Hoss "...The "Stand-Up to Cancer" moment is appalling—and now seems here to stay. Pressuring people to stand up and make a "statement" about what must be one of the most traumatic—and most private—events in their lives? What is wrong with us?"
This times 500,000,000. Appalling is kind.
4) I'm glad they went back to the player's team uniforms instead the abomination All-Star Jerseys that were created purely to sell to fans. I guess the fans weren't buying it.
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