Continuing Superhero comparisons: If the Yankees were the Sopranos

Pauly Walnuts

Uncle Junnie

Anthony Junior

Christopher Moltisanti

Dr. Melfi

Meadow Soprano

Silvio

Sal "Big Pussy"

Tony

The Second Most Important Presidential Election Of 2012, And Nobody Seems To Care

Less than four years into her first term, SWB Yankees President Kristen Rose resigned from office.

The news was announced in a two-paragraph press released issued at 2:19 pm on Friday, April 20, 2012.

In a Seinfeld-meets-Scranton turn of events, President Rose left the most powerful job in Scranton to return to Mandalay Baseball Properties.  Mandalay Baseball runs the club along with the Yanks following a deal with the Lackawanna County Multi-Purpose Stadium Authority that was signed less than a week after Rose's resignation.

In announcing the move, Mandalay Baseball CEO, Art Matin, said "The work to search for a replacement for Kristen is beginning immediately."

Scranton Times Tribune SWB Yankees beat writer Donnie Collins wrote just five days later that:




While I'm certain there's likely a top candidate for the position working his or her way up through the ranks at Mandalay, here's some advice for those in charge of making the hire: Another suit from Mandalay, however qualified, however dynamic, isn't going to appease a frustrated fan base. He or she will be seen as a corporate big wig, inherently disconnected from the working class baseball fans of Scranton and Wilkes-Barre.



The smarter way to go would be to hire a candidate with ties to the area, and although nobody is beating down my door to put me on a blue-ribbon search committee, if I were making this hire, I'd at least call Jeremy Ruby to ask if he was interested.  And if asking didn't work, I'd beg him to be
interested.




More than a month later, the SWB Yankees still appear to be without a leader. 

A true captain is required in the best of times; just think how much it's needed as the club hurtles from town to town in what MUSTANG calls their "homeless summer."

Where do things stand?

Who is being considered for the job?

And why haven't we conducted a poll / election / Scrantonrendum?

If Charles Koch buys the Yankees… the first attack ad

The Steinbrothers are denying plans to sell the Yankees, much like their dad once said he wouldn't fire Yogi. Well, we’re looking to one prospective owner with not only deep enough pockets to buy the team – but the guts to say what needs to be said: Yep, we're talking industrialist Charles Koch, worth $20 billion, which will buy us a busload of Yu Darvishes.

Best of all, the Kochster knows how to get his message across.

Live Cam Lets Fans Watch Work on Scranton Stadium

Live video from your Android device on Ustream



You have to figure the Traveling Wilkes Barres are checking this every day.

There Is Some Good News !

The Yankees are not as far behind the Orioles as the Twins are behind the Indians. World War II ended in our favor.

Links

It's alive!

Interview: Jose Cano

For whatever it's worth: Yankee record after the Juju Intervention: 2-0

We are undefeated since Monday night's national juju intervention.

Undefeated and untied.

Two and oh, baby. Ringadingding.

The latest one that got away

Meet Zach McAllister of the Cleveland Indians. He's 24. Last night, he shut down the Detroit Tigers. He used to be a Yankee. We traded him for Austin Kearns.

Love for sale?

The Hamptons are buzzing like my rear end after a trip to Taco Bell. Instead of secretly bankrolling attacks on Barack Obama, billionaires have a new national parlor game: Imagining themselves buying the Yankees.  

Supposedly, the Steinboys want to cash out. They’ve looked at the farm system, seen Dellin Betances’ walk-to-strikes ration and – crazy as it sounds - the notion of crapping away $20 mill a year through 2017 for Arod is about as appealing as volunteering for a medical study on shingles. Being knowledgeable fans, they’re ready to – as the baseball players say – “punt.”

Not sure how to read this. Ever since shelling out for the Big Three – CC, AJ and Tex – the bros have looked upon big name free agents the way Kim Kardashian would view a hotdog. They’ve wanted no part of spending their hard-inherited money. Nevertheless, they do have a crazy family name to uphold, and it’s hard to imagine them letting the Yankees fall too far without having to cover Dad’s statue with tar paper.

The key, of course, is who would buy the team?

Out, out, OUT must that Dolan guy, the one who wrecked the Knicks into the next millennium. If he gets near, we get Isaiah Thomas, the Kim Jung Il of coaches. Another would be Donald Trump. Despite the advantages of an obvious megalomaniac, Trump is the Steinbrenner of 1982, not the one of 1995. Remember the birther thing he was pushing? In terms of stupidity, that’s the equivalent of five Jay Buhner trades.

We need a smartypants, maybe a Zuckerberg (after he gets out of jail) or a Brad Pitt or a George Clooney. We need somebody who loves the Yankees, and who can take the phone call at 2 a.m. to handle the crisis of Joba blowing out his ankle on a kiddie tramp, and who walks among billionaires like a lion. One person fills that bill.

Two in a Row: NYC readies Canyon of Heroes for "Victory-Over-KC" Yankees

Yeah, in case you're wondering,

this is sarcasm.

Bootleg video of Girardi's motivational speech before KC game

Shoot Me Please: The Yankee 2012 Poem

Jeter always fights the fight.

Grandy swings like Betty White.
Here comes Robbie: Swing and miss.
Arod? Time to take a piss.
Swisher needs a smaller park.
Tex, he’s really off the mark.
Raul? We’re simply out of luck.
Russell Martin? What the fuck?
Who plays left field anymore?
Last one out, please lock the door,
Brian Cashman’s last regime.
Shoot me, please; I hate this team.

CC’s somehow lost his way.

Kuroda? Just another Kei.
Nova’s curveball seldom breaks.
Hughes makes serious mistakes.
Andy? How long can he go?
It’s not twenty-ten, you know?
And who’s our closer, Soriano?
Trust me, he’s no Mariano.
In the eighth, now Corey Wade?
Hell, this season’s fate’s been made.
I’m looking at one long bad dream,
Shoot me, please. I hate this team.

It's a Good Life

MLB.com Executive Correspondent Richard "Good News" Justice weighs in on all the Yankee good news you never hear about. Previous good news bulletins from Justice:

• Selig had it right on interleague play 

•  Tough road ahead, but Angels have time 

•  Harper not only reason to keep eye on Nats 

•  MLB gets it right with extra playoff teams 

• Selig's warmth contributes to legacy 

•  A-Rod optimistic heading into season 

•  Hall of Fame process works correctly 

•  Ron Washington has a magic touch with Rangers 

•  On and off field, Hamilton finds ways to inspire 

•  Consistent Pujols unfazed by expectations  

Yanks open 1-game lead on R'socks

Trying not to scoreboard-watch the race between NY and Boston is like trying not to scratch a raging bout of hormonal acne. It's impossible! Your fingernails - like your eyes - can't stay away! And let's face it: This battle might just decide the 2013 top tier draft order.

Mark your calendars, draft talent gurus, for Oct. 1-3 - the last three games of the regular season. That's when Youk, Papi, Dusty and Josh return to the historic House that Ruth Built for an epic series, with everything on the line.

Yankeetorial: Why do we always stink in May?

For the Yankees, May is Hell Month, the dog days, the twilight zone, the trench of the calendar. It is a time when Jeter - yes, Jeter - was once finished, washed-up, stuck in the worst slump of his career. Bobby Abreu couldn't hit a battleship with a champagne bottle, and these days, Teixeira is being fitted for the Hebrew Home at Riverside. (I've been there; it's like a college campus.) Every May we hit Skid Row like a human Charlie Sheen bomb. We become a disgrace, and the front office, or the players, or somebody gadammit, needs to go, to be boiled in oil - that is, after being shot. May sucks.

Why? Why must we endure this? Why can't we enjoy the cherry blossoms and horse races the way Baltimorites and Torontorians do? We spring from the loins of April like everyone else. We look hopefully at the season and then - poof - we're North Korea in a missile test. Is it management? Is it the nature of veteran players who need a crisis to wake up?

I ask because there is no guarantee that the Yankees will wake up this year. We sure didn't in 2008. And one of these days, unless we stop destroying young arms, we're going to experience a few season-long Mays. It happened in the 1960s in the 1980s. You can spend a lot of money and still be horrible. Last night, we beat KC  - Kansas City! in NEW YORK, no less! - and you'd think we won an Oscar.

Are we dead and don't know it? Hard to say.

It's May. We always stink in May. But why, dammit, why?

John's New Thing: The 3-1 Pitch

These days, John notices, every batter swings at the 3-1 pitch! He means, every single batter on every team!  Just once, he'd love to see a batter lay off a 3-1 pitch!

Radiotorial: Trouble in the Lowe's Broadcast Booth?

This season, "Diamond Notes"--the segment of the New York Yankees Radio Network Pregame Show devoted to headlines from around the majors and bumpered with signature jitterbug music--has been hosted not by its traditional star, Suzyn Waldman, but by the Voice of the Yankees himself, John Sterling. To say that this upheaval took place without official explanation is putting it too mildly. Indeed, it occurred so far under the radar that Suzyn is still listed as "Diamond Notes" host on the New York Yankees Radio Network Wikipedia entry!

Is "Diamond Notes" a plum so juicy that John used the power of his office to steal it away from the woman he publicly calls his "Yankees compañera?"

If she wasn't thus pushed, did Suzyn vacate the role freely? Does her bubbly disposition conceal some tragic injury or infirmity, physical or psychological, that will dilute her duties now and going forward?

New York Yankees Radio Network listeners deserve answers.

And we deserve them now.

I Told You All. The Truth. Early.

It is why I ran away back the dirt field league in south Mexico. This team is too old and the players are too rich. Cash man ( where the buck stops.....I know there are many failures in the organization, but they all work for him) has failed miserably in all phases of his job except over-paying: A. The Pineda trade B. The endless contract for an aging A-rod C. Mis-judging young Yankee pitchers, and consistently dealing away the good ones D. The pathetic record with respect to draft picks E. Total absence of young players, major league ready F. Failure to see that Nunez can't play a position, thus reducing his trade-value for A+ to D- G. Selecting a stalker for a mistress H. Not convincing the Hal & Hank rubes to spend some of Dad's money on real talent I have to run. The federales don't like me tapping the phone wires.

The 1982 (2012) Yankees: The Poem

Steve Balboni at the plate,
Dave Collins really swings the bat.
Juan Espino? He’ll be great!
Roy Smalley fields just like a cat!
.

This Yankee team, remember when?

Those future talents, to be found.
It’s nineteen-eighty-two again!
And Dave LaRouche is on the mound.
.

Here’s Tommy John, age thirty-nine.

And Lee Mazzilli, batting first,
Is there, by chance, a stronger wine?
I’ve grown a Bobby Meacham thirst.
.

Curt Kaufman’s warming in the pen,

Another save shall not be blown.
It’s nineteen-eighty-two again,
Now batting, catcher Rick Cerone.
.

It’s only May; we’ll start anew,

We really can’t be in such shambles.
We’ve Jeter, ARod, Swisher, too.
Not Hobsons, Dents and Oscar Gambles.
.
Alas, I feel intense new fears.
It’s twenty-twelve… or am I wrong?
If eighty-two, I need some beers,
The next Depression's twelve years long.

Yankeetorial: Without Jesus, we are the New York Zombies

Many years ago, while I lived in Indianapolis, some bastard burglarized my apartment. Beyond the initial trauma, the worst part was the drip-by-drip realizations that came for months afterward, whenever I realized something new that the asshole took. 

That’s how I feel whenever Jesus Montero hits another home run. He did the other night. He has 7 now. That roughly projects to about 25 this season. He's hitting about .280 and catching games. And I suspect he’s going to get better, not worse.

Burglarized. That's how I feel. When that deal exploded, it stole the heart from this team. We have been zombies ever since.

How can anyone put juju into a team of decomposing corpses?

We can’t. Last night, nobody came to the game, nobody fired juju into the void, and nobody played on the field. Nobody cried when the Yankees stranded runners. It’s par for the course. And there is nobody out there who’ll save this team – no rising star, no young talent soon to change the dynamics.

We’ve lost series after series to teams full of rising players, while we showed none, not one. And I fear we are going to be realizing this – drip, drip, drip - for the next four months.  

John's Takeaway Points from last night's game

1. It's an old cliche, but you're never as good as you look when you're winning, or as bad as you look when you're losing. And it's true.

2. Even the '98 Yankees went through rough patches.

3. You can't win without timely hitting. The Yankees aren't getting timely hitting.

4. Somebody is going to have to step up and get a big hit, but you can't hit a three-run homer every time you step to the plate.

5. Even the '98 Yankees went through rough patches. But these are certainly not the '98 Yankees.

6. Joe Girardi did everything right tonight in making the pitching changes. He took out Rappada and brought in Garcia to face Franceur, and it was absolutely the right move. It just didn't work.

7. Pop-ups were really hard to catch all game. Maybe it was the rain, or maybe it was the wind. But the pop-ups were hard.

8. Kansas City has a good young team.

9. These are not the best of times for the Yankees.

The Wages of Juju?

UPDATE: This post sounds more snide than I'd intended. Of course those of you who charged the mound in the bottom of the second are heroes. Thank you for your service.

Yankees celebrate "Harry Potter Invisible Cloak Night"

The first 30,000 fans receive a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak,

courtesy of Little Debbie.

Where is everybody?

Season turns around tonight

Write this down.

National Juju Intervention.

We win tonight.  WE. WIN. TONITE.

Pass the word, link to this, tell your friends: IT IS TIME FOR A NATIONWIDE YANKEE JUJU INTERVENTION

Friends, Buddy Roemers, countrypersons... brothers and sisters... saints and sinners... huddled masses... people who watch Dancing With the Stars... Yankee fans EVERYWHERE...  YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. 

We. Have. Reached. Critical. Mass.

Tonight -- YEAH, GADAMMIT, TONIGHT! - Yankee fans across America must salvage our rapidly dying 2012 season...  We must unite to rescue the struggling Arod, Teixeira, et al, from the downward spiraling sewer-trough into which the Girardi Jurassics have plunged. TONIGHT.

TONIGHT, IT IS TIME TO TAKE OFF THE GLOVES.

IT IS TIME TO CHANGE THE YANKEE WORLD.

IT IS TIME TO CHARGE THE MOUND!

In the bottom of the 2nd inning, each self-respecting Yankee fan must rush from the farthest sections of our home directly to the TV, radio or Yankee lodestone, letting no Redsock fan, spouse, beagle or child compromise your victory tromp path, and send forth whatever juju you possess to the Yankee cause. YEAH, OPHELIA, GADAMMIT, GET THEE TO THE NUNNERY! It's time for a Yankee Juju Intervention.

PASS THE WORD! LINK TO THIS STORY! GAS UP THE SOUNDTRUCK! CALL YOUR BONDSMAN! WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

EVERY YANKEE MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD MUST PARTICIPATE.

THIS IS A NATIONAL YANKEE EMERGENCY. NOT SURE WHAT TO DO? WATCH THIS INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL.



TONIGHT, THE 2012 SEASON - THUS FAR, A SEASON OF YANKEE HELL - CHANGES.

TONIGHT, THE YANKEES WIN, THUUUUUUUUUH YANKEES WIN.

TONIGHT, WE SHOW THE WORLD THAT THE YANKIVERSE WILL NOT SURRENDER.

TONIGHT. WE. CHANGE. THIS. SEASON. 

"The end of time shall be marked by acts of unfathomable compassion."
- Dostoyevsky -

"The end of a season really pisses me off."
- Alphonso -

OK, we were kidding before, but NOW we're going to start winning

The Yankees originally planned to crank it up on the exact date - May 19 - when we turned it around last year, but - well, NOW we're REALLY mad. We're going to stop fooling around. Starting NOW.

All right, that did it, Yankees tell league. NOW we'll start trying

Having reached the point in the season where last year the Yankees suddenly rallied and started playing well, the Yankees said yesterday it's time to PLA BALL.

The rest of the league has gone and done it. They have pissed us off. Well, from now on, we're going to actually try to win.

Now I know that John has a heart, because it's broken

It was cruel yesterday, waterboard-level cruel, listening to John call the ninth. It was like listening to Hal, the computer, lose his mind; you half-expected him to sing a showtne. The Master was so sure that the Yankees would mount a comeback that it seemed as though he forgot the Prime Knowlege about predicting baseball games. But he could feel it. Everyone could.

So goes this wretched season: Everybody is so sure the Yankees will mount a comeback. Fourth place i? No problem. We were here last year. Look what happened: We made the first round of the playoffs!

Yesterday, the Yankees were overmatched by that Cuban kid, Chapman, who throws 100 miles per hour. I remember when we were expected to sign him. In fact, everybody in baseball said he was ticketed to the Yankees, because that's what we did - sign the best talent whenever we could. That way, we balanced out the late draft picks we receive every year.

But we didn't sign Chapman. As we didn't sign Yu Darvish or Humanis Centepedes, or any of the stud international agents who were gathering all the ink. (I do understand that we have signed our share of prospects; we're just not going after the celebrated ones.)

George made up for his mistakes by spending hard on the players who made headlines. He always captured the back page. His sons don't like bidding wars, and maybe that's smart business.

And who knows, maybe we'll get to the first round of the playoffs, too.

And a child shall lead them...

Andy Pettitte: The Rap

Curt Schilling has turned Rhode Island red

Another History Channel mystery solved. (Note: Best proposed tag line ever for the History Channel, as usual, comes from South Park: "The History Channel: Where the Truth is History.") I always figured Curtis Montague Schilling's famed "bloody" sock - (never analyzed for DNA) - came via Heinz, Sherwin Williams or some unlucky chicken. Turns out, the good taxpayers of Rhode Island - who loaned the iconic Redsock, hard-right, pro-Bush, conservative gasbag $75 million for his video game company - now know it was red ink.

The grim news surrounding Kingdoms of Amalur developer 38 Studios continues to mount, as new reports indicate that the Rhode Island-based company was unable to pay its employees this week. Over the past several days, the studio has been in talks with Rhode Island officials to discuss its serious financial woes, and today a spokesperson for the Rhode Island Economic Development Corporation confirmed that 38 Studios has missed its most recent payroll.
.
Meanwhile, Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee said that 38 Studios is in the process of fulfilling the overdue $1.125 million loan payment it missed earlier this month. This news comes just a day after 38 Studios head Curt Schilling met with state officials asking for more funding for the company.
.
OK. Contrary to pop opinion, I don't hate Curtis Montague Schilling. The fact that he loathes the Yankees, Yankee fans, New York, NYC, Democrats and humanity - and that he left the 2004 Redsock glee-fest to help re-elect the peace-and-prosperity Prez, George W. Bush - coupled with his work for U.S. Sen. Scott Brown, whose victory is probably the biggest single reason why Obamacare has a personal mandate instead of a public option, and thus will be scuttled by the Supreme Court, leaving 70 million Americans without health insurance during the longest recession in history - nope, the fact that this pompous, purely evil, french fry-faced golfer embodies all these things - it don't bother me a freakin' whit. What gripes my britches is how bigwig Conservatives oppose government spending except for when it lines their milky pockets.

Well, he'll pay it off. He has friends. Beantown Conservatives have always wanted him to run for Senate. Some Koch will pay the tab, like Clear Channel's Tom Hicks did with George W., so that Curt can ditch the private sector and return to what he does best - remembering 2004 and shouting holier-than-thou platitudes at godless Yankee fans. God speed thou, Ketsup Man. And good luck, Rhode Island. (But didn't you people wonder why Massachusetts let the guy walk?)

I Didn't Know This

Melky Cabrera has his own personal pep squad, The Melkmen.

Revamped signature calls for John Sterling, reflecting the current Yankee reality

Arod swings, and hits a drive... BASE HIT! It’s an A-bloop... from A-Rod! Alexander the Great singles again!

.

Thuuuuuh pitch, hard ground ball into right. Audino has it. Over to first. IN time. Another blast into the overshift, exactly where the defense had him played. It’s a Vexed Message! O, you’re on their chart, Teixeira!

.

Swing and a grounder to third. Over to first. IN time. And Martin really got down that line. Russell shows hustle!
.
Tyings runs on second and third. Thuuuuh pitch. Swings... grounder to short. Over to first. IN time. And once again, the Yankees strand the runners. It was close, though. Because the Grandy ran, oooo, the Grandy man ran! Curtis, you're something sort of strandish!
.
The pitch... bouncer back to the mound. On to second, over to first - DOUBLE PLAY. It's a squibbie for Robbie! A-Robbie Cano, doncha beat that throw!

Star Ledger, NY Post draw first blood in H-word race

10 Questions on the minds of Yankee fans

1.   When do the NY Giants report for preseason?

2.   What’s all this about NBC moving “Community” to Friday night?

3.   Kim and Kanye: How long will it last?

4.   Is there any good summer reading out there?

5.   Are suicide notes supposed to have anecdotal leads?

6.   Did the Mayans happen to be Yankee fans?

7.   How can I get me some of that flesh-eating bacteria?

8.   How does Miley Cyrus stay (snort) so thin?

9.   WHO! Who wrote the book of love?

10.  Think we can beat those Redsocks?

Worst team since 1992?

Let us return now to those thrilling days of yesteryear...

For the first time since 1992, the Yankees and Redsocks sit at the bottom of the AL East this late in May. That year, we finished fourth. It's not hard to imagine us in a 20-year-cycle.

We have an injury-compromised Mattingly (Alex) and a slow-swinging Danny Tartabull (Tex).  If somebody can rouse pet cougars and bring guns to the clubhouse, we'll have a Mel Hall. (Looking at you, Jayson Nix; you've already done enough!)

At least in 1992, we were relatively young.

Fourth and old. Fourth and tired. Fourth and long. Bring on the punting team.

El Pavo Returns

Tonight Miguel Cairo, ex-Yankee fave and known Red, will return to Yankee Stadium, see that it's gone and, with luck, be directed to the copy down the street.

The Bronx Bombers, you'll remember, boast a .615 winning percentage in games El Pavo played in pinstripes (source).

I will bet you a hundred dollars that Suzyn collars Miggy for her pre-game interview tonight.

We are a fourth place team

Thelma and Cash

Throughout the entire hell-spawned disco era, there was only ONE decent song, and its singer has passed away

I freaking hated disco. Hated it, hated it, hated it - every stinking Bee Gee/Travolta-puss-infected moment. It was the worst, stupidest, most politically and morally spineless musical period in our nation's history. For merely hatching it, America deserved to be blown up. That's how much I hated disco. Actually, no - I hated disco more than words can convey.I hated what it did to us - its effect on manhood, womanhood, romance, rock'n'roll, the Rolling Stones, Rod Stewart, capitalism and shoes. I freaking hated disco shoes.

But there was one disco song - just one that I liked. It conveyed a universal story: You're in a bar, the bouncers are circling, and you have one last crack at giving the night a chance to save your soul. In my world, they played Stairway or Freebird. But during disco, they played her.

So I'm saying what I never thought I'd say:

Rest in Peace, Disco Queen.

Today In The Yawkey Zoo

Gonzo's guarantee

Gonzo guarantees home run tonight. It would be his 13th since last year's All-Star break.

Bobby V: Balks 'like an epidemic'; Dice-K 'isn't all that close'

Remy: 'Buchholz has been painful to watch'

Schilling bleeds taxpayer cash

Two Yankee relievers walk into a bar...

Both will miss six to eight weeks.

Yankeetorial: How bad is it? The top 10 true horrors of the human Yankee condition

1. The Jamesian pencilnecks who calculated last winter that Hiroki Kuroda would get jackhammered in small AL parks might have gotten one right. Last night, he threw superballs. A fly ball pitcher in Toronto, Boston, Tampa, Baltimore? O Lord, what hath we done?

2. Mark Teixeira's coughing jags - according to Lohud - are getting scary. The guy's lungs must look like burnt-out flashcubes. He barely recognized Tex's voice in the post-game. The guy breathes like Darth Vader. Something's wrong here. This isn't a cold.

3. Eduardo Nunez made two more errors yesterday at Triple A, wherever the hell that poor, godforsaken homeless Scrantonesque team is playing. Likewise, Francisco Cervelli seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. The Traveling Wilkes Barres must be the most depressing situation in baseball. We're sending players there to improve, and it's like dropping them into North Korea. It's pure punishment.

4. Last night we went 1-8 with runners in scoring position. Compared to recent outings, that was a good game. We're constantly tipping our caps to the opposing pitcher, pretending we just faced the next Roy Halladay. John and Suzyn aren't even buying it.

5. Speaking of The Master, we've reached at the trench where in the early innings, if the opposition scores two runs, John says the game might be over. Last night, he just went into his Yankees-behind-by-10-runs-and-why-should-I-care misery derisive laugh. It hurts to hear a man utterly without hope.

6. We just squandered the best month of Jeter's career, and we're barely a nose above .500. Do the math. Jeet cannot hit like that the rest of the way. What happens when he slumps? Is anyone going to step up?

7. Our hitters aren't reacting to the overshifts. When we win, it's because we hit four homeruns off some pug. The more we flail against those skewed defenses, the more we'll see them, and the more they will get inside our heads. This is a looming disaster.

8. Our bullpen, which carried us through April, is now that of the Minnesota Twins. Want to know who's our 7th inning man for this weekend? Scan the waiver wires.

9. Boston and Tampa are hanging with us (or in Tampa's case, ahead of us) despite lineups decimated with injury. Next month, the Redsocks likely will get back Jacoby Ellsbury, Carl Crawford and Dice K. The Rays will return Evan Longoria. We might get back Brett Gardner, but with our aging lineup, odds are we'll be even more depleted than now.

10. Our small market owner heirs show no willingness to spend. Nobody talks about signing Roy Oswalt or taking on extra salary. Yeah, this can be a good thing - the 1980s were chock full of useless baggage. Still, it would be nice to at least think Hal and Hank are fuming. But blowout year could just make it easier for them to reduce payroll - and isn't that the prime objective?

I know what you're thinking: I'm over-reacting. Every May, it seems we go through a dark stretch.

But that doesn't mean this year we will pull out. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Here's to our Yankee outposts, the farthest planets of the empire driven by Jeep

They carry The Word. They bring The Master's thoughts to the bootless and unhorsed heathens in far-flung corners of the globe - like Massachusetts.

Hell, any two-bit, Saturday night-bingo AM station can  broadcast Little Debbie/Yankee games in the rustbucket Northeast, where literate, game-worthy fans appreciate the distinctions between Jim and Shane Spencer. But these missionaries operate in the farthest points of the Empire, the forts in enemy country, the edge outposts where outfielders are cheap, and no fan can be trusted when a trade turns bad.

If we can hold these FOBs, we can raise more money for players, or for the owners' second homes. If we can keep these netherlands flying the NY flag, there is hope.

We salute you, o valiant Yankeenauts of the outer realm. You are the pioneer planters of pinstripe seed.

Be safe. And secure.

And keep your families safe and secure.

The list:

KBAD in Las Vegas.

KIVA in Albuequerque.

WHBO in Easton, PA.

WBRK in Pittsfield, MA.

WWBA in Tampa.

Yankee batters making big impression in Toronto

Yankees now seeking to build storied Bridge to Cody Eppley

Cody Eppley. Wow. What memories. I can remember the day we signed him, as if it was last week.

Cody Eppley. You see it unraveling. We start with Freddy G (sort of like Kenny G, except he walks more batters), who pitches the first threes, more or less. By the fourth, we’re a grand slam away from being in the game. Then it’s David Phelps – Phelpsy – for two. By then, hopefully, Cano has hit three HRs, leaving us to draft the opposition like a racehorse in the stretch. Soon, it's Cody Eppley Time.

Cody Eppley. Suzyn loves him. She can’t understand how Texas could have waived him. He’s young, he’s big, he’s athletic, he throws hard, he has a live arm, he shows command, he brings the cheese, he has the heat, Texas must be the greatest team in history, which explains why they tossed Cody Eppley into the bottlecap drawer. Of course, he was THE last guy released — they cried, they raged against the fates, they wriggled, knowing they’d made a huge Jesus-for-Pineda mistake — and they would never release him if they know what he is now: Cody Effing Eppley.

Cody Eppley. He gets us to Corey, who gets us to Clay, who gets us to Boone, who gets us to (Your Name Here), who gets us to Rafael Soriano, which is sort of like getting us to Utica from Binghamton, by way of Cortland.

Cody Eppcuse me. I have the hiccups: CODYEPPLEY! Sorry about that. I don't know what's gotten into CODYEPPLEYme. Goodness. I shouldn’t have eaten that plate of win-CODYEPPLEYngs. There. I feel better. I have posted my CodyCODYEPPLEYEppley post.

Yankeetorial: I can relate to the sleeping jurors in the Roger Clemens trial

The judge in the Rocket Clemens artificial juju trial yesterday dismissed a second juror because the freaking geezer was snoring like a smokeless ashtray during testimony. Must be tough: Sitting in judgment on a hall of famer - reporters everywhere, cameras outside, a packed court - and the bozo swirls off into the land of Nod? Where do they get ‘em? Eagles concerts?

But frankly - I can relate. Yankee bats are putting me to sleep. Right now, after Jeet and Grandway, it's a straight downhill ski slope to Jayson Nix, who last night wasn’t even batting ninth. We can marvel about the manhood of the pitchers who dominate us, but it might just be that the Arod and Tex we are seeing are, in fact, permanent presences in our dank order. One may be done, and the other can’t adjust to a shift. Alex has become Aurelio, and Tex has become Tony Clark.

Next up, Toronto – the other Baltimore. Yes, it’s early, and – true, we don’t claim to be scouts, but all those out there who say the O’s and BJs will crumble simply because they always do have no more analysis than a rally monkey. The trial has begun, folks, and if you think this is heading toward a happy outcome, you might be asleep and dreaming.

Ten reasons why survey ranks John & Suzyn the worst MLB announcing team

1. Everyone knows homer announcers are OK for all teams -- except the Yankees. (Who are driven by Jeep...)


2. The Marlin crew, with only 15 listeners, could not generate enough critics to rate lower. (And 15 minutes can save you 15 percent on car insurance...)


3. You can’t predict surveys. (But here's one thing you can predict: If a Yankee hits for a cycle, someone will win a chance to win a brand new Lexus from Lexus of Englewood...)

4. Anybody who plays, roots or works for Yankees is automatically hated. (Unless, that is, they’ve visited the Hebrew Home at Riverside. I've been there. It's like a college campus...)

5. Suzyn’s Clubhouse Report not same since Leyritz left. (Hey, the fifth reason reminds us that it's time for the Daily News Fifth...)


6. Since opening of new bandbox stadium, too many calls to the bullpen. (And this call is sponsored by Geiko...)


7. Thuuuuuh extended vocalizations. (Featuring energy supplied by the Indian Point Nuclear Power Plant...)


8. Jealousy. (That last reason came in at 90 miles per hour, measured by TimeWarner high-speed Road Runner...)


9. Advertising. (Hey, this is the ninth reason, which is time for a Little Debbie Snack Cake...)


10. John and Suzyn don't take enough chances. They've just become too safe and secure. Wait a minute. That's a great line! Somebody ought to craft an ad around it!

John & Suzyn Ranked Dead Last By Ignorant Mob

Shame on the lip-moving "readers" of something called "Fan Graphs Dot Com," who placed the Voice of the Yankees and his Yankee Comañera dead last in an unscientific "poll" ranking radio booths first to worst. We'll let the character assassins tell it themselves:

At the beginning of March, we released the results of our television broadcaster rankings — itself the product of reader crowdsourcing

"Mobsourcing" is more like it.

that had started in late November. Since then, FanGraphs has asked readers to rate the radio broadcast teams (on a scale of 1-5 for charisma, analysis, and then overall) for all 30 major-league clubs — with the intention, ultimately, of determining which broadcasts might best reflect the sorts of inquiry and analysis performed here at the site.

Don't bother. We have the answer. From the look of things, the news broadcasts in North Korea "best reflect the sorts of inquiry and analysis performed" at "Fan Graphs Dot Com."

[Thanks for the heads up, commenter rjm73.]

Continuing with our Superhero collections (but with a slight difference): IF THE REDSOCKS WERE THE SPICE GIRLS

Scary

Sporty

Ginger

Baby

The one who married the soccer star

Are the Yankees facing germ warfare?

Every time Mark Teixeira coughs, does a Taliban angel receive his wings?

What the hell happened to Clay Rappata, aside from having to go through life with the name "Clay Rappata?"

Who next on the Yankees will begin to experience the concrete-clogged nostrils and phlegm-filled throats that signify clear acts of war by our enemies?

Must we wait until Nick Swisher is half-consumed by flesh-eating bacteria before we wake up and smell the anthrax?

It's time the chain-smoking Steinbrothers to get off their thrones: Our team of coughers and hackers is under germ attack.

The owners can't see it past the blue smoke of their two-carton-a-day habit. But last night, Clay Rappata was helped into the clubhouse, gasping for air due to a "viral infection." This came as a raspy cough, which has ravaged Mark Teixeira's insides like a snort of rubber cement, continues to torment the star firstbaseman.

These internal welts won't be salved by cherry red Ludens lozinges or rubbing kinky mentholatum jelly on someone's bare chest - (although the jel can offer unique satisfaction, in a pinch.) Some enemy agent has sought to to silence Teixeira's bat by giving voice to his lungs, and he sounds like Satchmo. Where the hell is Gene Monahan when we need him?

Good grief, is there a doctor in New York City? Do we have to start shaking beads? Let's get on this. It's mid-May. Excuse me while I wretch. Hawwwwwwwwwwwk, pttuii.

Champion Larry Yogi Berra Sparks Yankees!

World's Finest Comics, July-August 1952

Shocker: Jeter's sister stuns Siena crowd by urging grads to "give back;' meanwhile, Jeet himself is "giving back" to Kevin Millwood

While his sister was hurling verbal boiled chestnuts at the Class of 2012 at Siena College, Derek Jeter was hitting into a bases-loaded double-play, allowing the Seattle Mariners to win a game at Yankee Stadium.

What kind of message is that?

According to the Daily Gazette (yes, they still call newspapers things like that) of Schenectady (at least in Schenectady, they do) the biggest name at Sunday's Siena showdown was the Yankee cap'n, who received an honorary doctor of humane letters degree, which is sort of like having your number retired, except that nobody cares. 

Jeet couldn't attend the shindig because he was busy grounding into a doubleplay with the bases loaded, performing the humanitarian act of allowing Kevin Millwood to last one more month in the majors.

His sister, Sharlee Jeter accepted the degree for him and "offered a challenge to the new graduates:"

"Work hard to fulfill your dreams and most importantly I challenge you to give back to your communities and to always act as role models because someone will always be watching you out there in the world."

Badaboom. Next came a video on Jeter's career and humanitarian work, followed by a videotaped message from the cap'n.

"I'm proud to be recognized as a son of Siena, which is such an amazing institution that promotes the values that are most important to me.

.

There you have it. By mid-afternoon, the game was over. Next year, maybe they'll give a bachelors to Mark Teixeira. He might need it in his next career.

Reality Check: JP Morgan actually made worse trade than the Yankees

Now and then, we plan to offer an IT IS HIGH REALITY CHECK, extending our minds beyond the dizzifying pseudo-chaos of celebrating Yankee victories (birth) and mourning Yankee defeats (death, or worse).

Here is our first grim observation of the Unvarnished Truth.

1. Three JP Morgan bigwigs are retiring to their naked manservants and Nantucket compounds because of hell-botched trades. (Were they dealing with Seattle?) The evil bank lost two billion dollars, which makes Cashman's Jesus-for-Venus de Milo deal look like Peter Minuit bartering with the Manhattan Indians. REALITY: Bad deals are part of baseball. Bad deals are part of life. The only person who never gets a bad deal is George Clooney. (What is it with that guy? If we were dealing on behalf of the Manhattans, the Dutch would have ended up with Rikers Island, and the Indians would have a casino on Manhattan.) We can rail about Cashman all night, but we have nobody else to run this team.

2. If the season ended today, we would face Tampa in a one-game playoff, in Tampa. Baltimore would be the AL East pennant winner. Mark Teixeira would be a defensive replacement, and the Redsocks would be looking forward to the 4th (or 5th) pick in the 2013 draft.

3. The Killer Bees (of the Traveling Wilkes Barres) are throwing beebees. Last night, Manny Baneulos threw six solid innings. The other night, Dellin Betances threw eight - perhaps the best outing of his pro career. If they continue, both are headed to NY by September. The reality: Their innings will be limited. But help may be on the way.

What drives The Master to Madness?

John's Takeaway Points from Today's Loss

The fans want to win every game. That's OK. But baseball insiders know the key to a successful season is winning the series. If you take two out of three games against every opponent, I'll tell you what: you'll win 100 games, and who wouldn't take that? The Yankees came into today's game having beaten Tampa two out of three, and it was automatic that they would win this series against Seattle, because they won the first two. This cannot be emphasized enough: The key is winning the series. You don't sweep everybody. If you can take two out of three, that's winning baseball.

That said, the Yankees need timely hitting. They had their chances today. They've got no "kick" about this game. They lost this game, and it's a game they could have won. They lost.

Still, you have to be happy about Andy. He looked great. He looked like Andy. He only made two mistakes, but who wouldn't make a couple bad pitches, considering the layoff? It's just too bad the Yankee order didn't produce more runs. But the key is winning the series. And the Yankees did just that. And Suzyn will have more in her Clubhouse Report, plus some comments from Joe, which would be coming up soon.