Breaking News: Abreu hears Brick and Bolts!

Chicago, IL -- Breaking news out of Chicago today, as a Bobby Abreu press conference went horribly wrong and ended with violence.

Early reports surfaced at 8 a.m. Wednesday that Abreu had agreed in principle to a three-year $40 million deal with Chicago Cubs general manager Jim Hendry late last evening over dinner at the Olive Garden on Lake Shore Drive.

Abreu reportedly had Shrimp Scampi, while Hendry consumed a Tour of Italy and extra salad and bread sticks.

This morning after the physical exam was complete, Abreu signed the paperwork and walked into the conference room at Wrigley Field. He put on the jersey and took questions from the local media.

All was well until the tour of the ballpark began. Abreu said he was excited to play right field for the Cubs and wanted to inspect the Ivy covered wall. As he was walking to the outfield, Jay Mariotti began to pester Abreu with questions.

"Are you upset the Yankees let you go the way they did?" he asked of the polite Abreu.

To which Abreu just smiled and shook his head, before engaging in conversation with Woody Paige of the Denver Post about good places to eat in Chicago and a few miles north, Milwaukee.

"Do you think at your age you can still play a decent full time right field?" Mariotti begged. Again, Abreu just ignored him.

When he reached right field, Abreu stopped to smell the air and look around. The group of six reporters following him stopped and chatted briefly. Abreu went over to the beautiful ivy covered wall, glistening with freshly melted frost in the brisk, cold Illinois morning sun. He apparently, according to trusted sources working for IIH, IIF, IIc, reached out to feel the leaves, when he --

"What the FUCK !?!?" yelled Abreu. "There is brick under this motherfucker! Oh, hell no! Fuck this man, I'm out!!"

The crowd gasped as his agent, GM Jim Hendry and Jay Marriotti all came rushing over. According to sources, there was heavy whispering going on, and Abreu turned and ripped off his Cubs jersey and began to walk away. Mariotti began to chase after him, and supposedly the following sequence went down:

"But Bobby, you played for a decade in the National League," Mariotti exclaimed. "You played for both the Astros and the Phillies, how could you not know there are bricks under there? Do you really avoid the wall at all costs?"
"Fuck you Mary, I am warning," in a heavily-accented Latin voice.

"Do you think this maybe one of the reasons why Cashman and the Yankees, as well as all their fans, DIDN'T want you back in right field at Yank--"...

And was cut short by a beating of epic proportions.


Abreu was arrested and detained by the Chicago Police Department, but was bailed out in less than an hour by Omar Minaya, not only posting the $100 bail, but also signing Abreu to a six-year $100 million deal to play right field for the Mets.

"I am so lucky to have the opportuinity to sign another Latin ballplayer," Minaya said. "My roster is almost complete," he added with an evil laugh, as he and Abreu got into a limo and left.

An unnamed spokesman from the Chicago Police Department told IIH, IIF, IIc that the only reason they arrested Abreu for beating Mariotti was because it was in front of other media members. The officer said that had they known all the other sports reporters were going to stand around and laugh as it happened, he would have never felt compelled to break up the fight.

*** *** *** UPDATE *** *** UPDATE *** *** ***

An all-point-bulletin (APB) has been issued for Woody Paige, who reportedly kicked Mariotti several times while security was pulling Abreu off of him.

Paige then reportedly went after Skip Bayless, beating him into a coma during the Abreu arrest ruckus.

- These allegations were all obtained through IIH, IIF, IIc's professional, always accurate sources, which like to habitually drink Jagrmeister and smoke copious amounts of Tree.