Red Socks to fans: "We know you are poor"

Boston, Mass. -- In a stunning move today by the front office of the Red Socks' organization, the team announced plans to not raise ticket prices any higher than the 2008 pricing guide. This is the first time in 14 years the Socks have not raised ticket prices on their loyal fan base.

IIH, IIF, IIc obtained this comment from franchise majority owner John Henry in the early hours of the morning, moments before sunrise, as he walked briskly from his office on the top floor of Fenway Park to his coffin in the bowels of the old, ramshackle stadium:

"We understand the hardships many of our fans in Red Sock Nation are facing this winter with the economy going down like a plane full of Kennedys and the very real possibility of a recession looming," the Count of Back Bay said. "By keeping our ticket prices at the same level as they were in 2008 for the upcoming season, we felt it would make it easier for Bob the Bartender, Kim the Cab Driver, Frank the Fry-o-lator operator at McDonalds and Pam the Prostitute to continue to support the hometown team. We know that most of our fans work minimum wage jobs, and we know most of them are poor, so anyway we can help, we will."

Henry also confided to IIH, IIF, IIc that in addition to keeping ticket prices the same as in 2008, the team will also start accepting $50 in food stamps at the gate for admission to a newly constructed standing-room only section in Fenway Park, known as "The Sub-Standard and Poor" section, located outside the men's shitter in the underground parking garage. The SS+P section will be furnished with a 19-inch black and white TV on a live feed from the park.

Reports out of Boston indicate this is the area of Fenway Park where Pedro Martinez and David Ortiz used to conduct underground cock-fighting matches, but now the space will be used to house lucky fans.

"Our fans have been so great to us ever since we started winning, we felt it was the least we could do," Henry said as the door to his coffin was hammered shut for the day.

IIH, IIF, IIc has also learned but has yet to confirm that ten pounds of government-issued cheese will also grant admission into the SS+P section.