Roger Clemens' DNA Found under Brian McNamee's Pillow

WASHINGTON _ Trace amounts of Roger Clemens' DNA have turned up in parts of Brian McNamee's house, officials revealed yesterday, as they probe charges that the hurler lied before Congress.

Investigators found "large dried dollops" of Clemens pressed between the pages of McNamee's leatherbound copy of "The Love Machine" by Jacqueline Suzanne, one source revealed.

Elsewhere, the investigation turned up "significant chunks of Clemens matter" in a ziplock bag kept under McNamee's pillow, according to an official who spoke on the condition that Jacqueline Suzanne, his favorite writer, be mentioned in this story.

The investigation reportedly found Clemens "reproductive spewings" on the front bumper and tire tracks of McNamee's pickup truck, suggesting the pitcher may have been struck by the vehicle during an unimaginable act.

Officials, however, dismissed the presence of Clemens DNA found on the syringes McNamee supplied last year.

The needles were stored in empty Budweiser cans, negating their usefulness, because tests have shown Clemens DNA present in all beer sold nationwide.

Clemens DNA had previously turned up in Mike Lupica's crosshairs, a Golden Globe award owned by actress Pia Zadora, and, most mysteriously, in a frozen condom found atop the summit of Mount Everest.