Thursday, May 17, 2012

Yankeetorial: How bad is it? The top 10 true horrors of the human Yankee condition

1. The Jamesian pencilnecks who calculated last winter that Hiroki Kuroda would get jackhammered in small AL parks might have gotten one right. Last night, he threw superballs. A fly ball pitcher in Toronto, Boston, Tampa, Baltimore? O Lord, what hath we done?

2. Mark Teixeira's coughing jags - according to Lohud - are getting scary. The guy's lungs must look like burnt-out flashcubes. He barely recognized Tex's voice in the post-game. The guy breathes like Darth Vader. Something's wrong here. This isn't a cold.

3. Eduardo Nunez made two more errors yesterday at Triple A, wherever the hell that poor, godforsaken homeless Scrantonesque team is playing. Likewise, Francisco Cervelli seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. The Traveling Wilkes Barres must be the most depressing situation in baseball. We're sending players there to improve, and it's like dropping them into North Korea. It's pure punishment.

4. Last night we went 1-8 with runners in scoring position. Compared to recent outings, that was a good game. We're constantly tipping our caps to the opposing pitcher, pretending we just faced the next Roy Halladay. John and Suzyn aren't even buying it.

5. Speaking of The Master, we've reached at the trench where in the early innings, if the opposition scores two runs, John says the game might be over. Last night, he just went into his Yankees-behind-by-10-runs-and-why-should-I-care misery derisive laugh. It hurts to hear a man utterly without hope.

6. We just squandered the best month of Jeter's career, and we're barely a nose above .500. Do the math. Jeet cannot hit like that the rest of the way. What happens when he slumps? Is anyone going to step up?

7. Our hitters aren't reacting to the overshifts. When we win, it's because we hit four homeruns off some pug. The more we flail against those skewed defenses, the more we'll see them, and the more they will get inside our heads. This is a looming disaster.

8. Our bullpen, which carried us through April, is now that of the Minnesota Twins. Want to know who's our 7th inning man for this weekend? Scan the waiver wires.

9. Boston and Tampa are hanging with us (or in Tampa's case, ahead of us) despite lineups decimated with injury. Next month, the Redsocks likely will get back Jacoby Ellsbury, Carl Crawford and Dice K. The Rays will return Evan Longoria. We might get back Brett Gardner, but with our aging lineup, odds are we'll be even more depleted than now.

10. Our small market owner heirs show no willingness to spend. Nobody talks about signing Roy Oswalt or taking on extra salary. Yeah, this can be a good thing - the 1980s were chock full of useless baggage. Still, it would be nice to at least think Hal and Hank are fuming. But blowout year could just make it easier for them to reduce payroll - and isn't that the prime objective?

I know what you're thinking: I'm over-reacting. Every May, it seems we go through a dark stretch.

But that doesn't mean this year we will pull out. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


Joe De Pastry said...

You aren't over-reacting.
I thought this would be a tough year. Mo's injury has made it into a nightmare. My only joy this year is watching Bobby V and the Red Sux struggle.
I wish the Stanley Cup playoffs lasted all the way until the start of football season.

Alphonso said...

You are not exaggerating. This is a burned out team of aging, dare I also say grossly overpaid, former stars.

Cash man will soon be diagnosed with dimentia or some alternate version of highly delusional mania. Perhaps it was sexually transmitted to him by the stalker babe who, by the way, might as well play for us.

His trades, his moves, his ideas are all wrong. It is like cutting all spending to cure a recession.

Worst of all: We Have No Future.

That is why I am hibernating in Mexico and drinking heavily.