This weekend's AL East Wrestle-Mania helps and hurts us

Today, the Redsocks open a three-game series in Toronto, while the Orioles launch a kinky threesome in Detroit. It's like two stadiums full of super-villains vying for the right to kill Batman, Our first impulse in this looming out-of-town scoreboard Pokomon tournament is to sit back and enjoy the carnage. Imagine Iran taking on ISIS, while Kim Jong Un battles Vlad Putin... In the under-card, Trump v. Hillary, Kim v. Taylor... Big Papi v. Bautista...

This has a wonderful, fun scenario, but also an Upside-Down.

Upside Up: At least two rivals this weekend must lose at least one game.

Upside-Down: Two rivals will win the weekend. Even if we sweep Tampa - tough - we can pick up only one game in the loss column. If we go 2-1, we'll gain nothing on two teams or - worse, if they sweep, we'll lose ground. We are chasing a snake with five heads.

So, for whom do we juju? At first glance, the answer seems obvious: Toronto. We always, always root against the insufferable, dumpster-mouthed, self-righteous, Schilling-shilling, frat-bro neo-turds from Fenway, the zombie-yuppie, pig-faced suburbanites of Gomorrah... the sickeningly sewer-breathed - oh hell with it - Boston. Through advanced juju, I should normally seek to engineer a 3-game Blue Jays sweep, with Detroit taking two of three from slimy Buck and his crab-caked O's - and I'd toss in a few tweaked gonads, at least one swelling David Price's billiards like a heated foil of Jiffy Pop. If that happens, here's how the race looks Monday:

MONDAY LOSS COLUMN, IF TORONTO SWEEPS AND DETROIT TAKES TWO

Toronto 62 (first in AL East)
Boston 64 (home field WC advantage)
Baltimore, 65
Detroit 65
NY: 65 if we sweep Tampa), 66 if we go 2-1, and frankly, who gives a flying shit, if we lose 2 out of 3? If we sweep, we could be tied for the away slot.

But.. what if we bite the bullet, pump our stomachs and root for the craven, snake-souled Redsocks to sweep Toronto? In essence, we would jettison the AL East division race and concentrate entirely on the Wild Card. Here's what it would look like:

MONDAY'S LOSS COLUMN, IF BOSTON SWEEPS, AND DETROIT TAKES TWO
Boston 61 (running away with AL East)
Toronto, Baltimore, Detroit... NY (with a sweep)...65

Everybody tied for two open slots.

I hate to say this, but this might be our best scenario: Let Boston walk away with it, while the rest of us chase wild cards.

NEVERTHELESS: I cannot in any way to root for the Redsocks this weekend.

As long as we have air to breathe, let's not bother with out-of-town scoreboards. They're just a distraction. We'll get our shots at Toronto, Boston and Baltimore. Right now, we must chase down our rivals, one villain at a time. Sweep Tampa, and by Monday, we could be tied... tied... TIED!!!! going into the final turn. Amazing.