Thursday, March 9, 2017

It's Frazier v. Ali, Walmart v. Amazon, Godzilla v. Kong... A-Rod v. J-Lo

Last night, while I was diligently counting tabloid back pages, the news broke, and then came the Revelation:

There is a God, and He's been bored lately. 


(Apparently, Tebow on the Mets wasn't enough.) 

Hence, the Immortal I Am made a few calls, whispered in a few ears, snapped His Fingers of Fate and - bang! - our prayers have been answered: This divided, polarized nation now has a reason to unite, to pull together, and to harmoniously watch the ultimate match-up of guile and grace, of beauty and brute, of semen and egg - with a dollop of Hollywood and the backdrop of New York City:

Alex Rodriguez is dating - gulp - Jennifer Lopez.

A-Rod v. J-Lo. (Yankee fans, by the way.)

So, is this A-Lo? J-Rod? Rod-Lo? Jenn-Rod? Who cares? These are the original celebrity name abbreviations. If you think about it, they HAD to merge someday, like quarks soaring across the universe to collide. It was like Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao! Either could hang up his/her cleats and head to pasture with a nubile 20-year-old.... but the people wanted this! The world wanted this! IT HAD TO HAPPEN! 

Today's Daily News should win a Pulitzer for its concise, Google-searched list of celebrity hook-ups that litters the dating histories of these two jack-hammers of love. It's a veritable Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon situation, where practically everyone in the world, including Inuit chieftains and polar bears, knows someone who was once a pillow partner to somebody on this list. 
We didn't get the back page.
WE GOT THE FRONT!

Consider the conquests of J-Lo: David Cruz (civilian), Wesley Snipes (Blade), Ojani Noa (a waiter), P-Diddy Sean Combs, Cris Judd (backup dancer), Ben Affleck (Casey's brother),  Marc Anthony (Met fan), Casper Smart (boy toy) and Drake. Holy shit, Drake!

And the mating history of A-Rod: Cynthia Scurtis (civilian mom to his daughters), Madonna, Bethenny Frankel (Real Housewife of some place), Kate Hudson (won a ring with her), Cameron Diaz (popcorn stuffer), Torre Wilson (wrestling diva), Demi Moore (GI Jane), Anne Wojcicki (Silicon Valley.)  

She's coming off Drake. He's moving on from Google. It's the Love Battle of the Century!

OK, I know what you're thinking: Woodafuk cares? This will only last six months. One of them will meet a hot ninth grader and - wham-bam! - it'll be "So long, thanks for the headlines," and they're on to gutting the next elk in the wildlife preserve. 

Well, I say NO. This is it, humankind. We have finally moved to the next level. We thought it was Jay-Z and Beyonce. We thought it was Kanye and Kim. This will make Kanye and Kim's baby look like the offspring of Divine and Andy Devine. We are evolving as a species. And no matter what happens with Trump, or with Tebow, or with Luis Severino - who got hammered yesterday by a sorry team of Canadian clods - it doesn't matter. 

A-Rod is dating J-Lo. God has spoken, and HEAR ME, YANKIVERSE: The Yankees are going to win the 2017 Back Page Competition.  

11 comments:

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...

I go to this site for many reasons. Can't list 'em, and the list would bore you.

However, I am intruding here for this comment: THIS A-Rod/J-Lo post could well be your finest creation ever.

Made me forget about Chase Ellsbury.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


JFOB: I couldn't agree more.

On your part, coining "Chase Ellsbury" was a pretty darn good follow-up...

el duque said...

Chase Ellsbury is the new J-Rod.

John M said...

A beautiful mashup of two, as individuals, we could do without. But together...can we truly live without Chase Ellsbury?

I remember a famous quote by someone or other: "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore."

Anonymous said...

EL DUQUE...... I THINK YOU ARE MISSING THE MARK WITH THESE BACK PAGE HEADLINES...... IF 9 OUT OF 10 BACK PAGE YANKEE ARTICLES ARE OF NEGATIVE ILK, AND 9 OF 10 MET BACK PAGES ARE POSITIVE (WHICH I CONTINUALLY SEE AS THE CASE), IT SHOULDN'T BE LOOKED AT AS A SCOREBOARD OF 11 - 10........... AWWW, WHO GIVES A SHIT ANYWAY....

el duque said...

Ink is ink.

The more you get, the more people think about you.

But you're right, CAPS, a lot of the back pages come from bad things - the Knicks, for example.

My guess is, though, that considering their horrible season, they won't score more than two back pages between April and November, and they will only come about from Melo getting traded.

The Yankees are fighting with the Mets for the soul of NYC. The back page is the battleground.

Alphonso said...

Are you nuts??

Under our new approach to assessing the Yankees, it is clear that the team will dominate the back pages due to excellence of achievements.

A-Rod will do his part. Jay-Lo is fresh meat. Well, maybe not.

Didn't they " date" previously? Is she still young enough to bear fruit?

We need a new third baseman.

I can'r seem to get used to watching Yankee games at 10:00am.

joe de pastry said...

I could not care less.

Anonymous said...

Nah, Duque, we aren't gonna' win the BP competition for 2017 - - only the damned Wild Card, again!!
One observation, though: Jenny's FROM DA' BRONKS!! That gives her a LEG UP - - and, Lord Nose, A-Rod is ALWAYS attracted by a LEG UP!! You're right, it's a natural match - - but, made in HEAVEN?? Not so sure about that part.... Let's just hope he stays away from OUR babe: the IBS LADY!! If she starts dancing around him, J-Rod (or A-Lo) will be such old news, so fast.... LB (No J)

Anonymous said...

....but what about Jacoby Headley, guyz?? How could you forget about HIM?? Or Barron Hicks and his Hot Lix?? Gotta' admit, this one was goooood, but it didn't QUITE make me forget ev'rything....Not quite....

Who knew that Casey AfLac had a brother, anyway?? LB (No J)

KD said...

A-Rod will plow her field and eagerly plant his hybrid seed. However, land that has be laid fallow for so long will never yield.

we'll get no "Dale Berra" from this union.