There is a God, and He's been bored lately.
(Apparently, Tebow on the Mets wasn't enough.)
Hence, the Immortal I Am made a few calls, whispered in a few ears, snapped His Fingers of Fate and - bang! - our prayers have been answered: This divided, polarized nation now has a reason to unite, to pull together, and to harmoniously watch the ultimate match-up of guile and grace, of beauty and brute, of semen and egg - with a dollop of Hollywood and the backdrop of New York City:
Alex Rodriguez is dating - gulp - Jennifer Lopez.
A-Rod v. J-Lo. (Yankee fans, by the way.)
Today's Daily News should win a Pulitzer for its concise, Google-searched list of celebrity hook-ups that litters the dating histories of these two jack-hammers of love. It's a veritable Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon situation, where practically everyone in the world, including Inuit chieftains and polar bears, knows someone who was once a pillow partner to somebody on this list.
|We didn't get the back page.|
WE GOT THE FRONT!
Consider the conquests of J-Lo: David Cruz (civilian), Wesley Snipes (Blade), Ojani Noa (a waiter), P-Diddy Sean Combs, Cris Judd (backup dancer), Ben Affleck (Casey's brother), Marc Anthony (Met fan), Casper Smart (boy toy) and Drake. Holy shit, Drake!
And the mating history of A-Rod: Cynthia Scurtis (civilian mom to his daughters), Madonna, Bethenny Frankel (Real Housewife of some place), Kate Hudson (won a ring with her), Cameron Diaz (popcorn stuffer), Torre Wilson (wrestling diva), Demi Moore (GI Jane), Anne Wojcicki (Silicon Valley.)
She's coming off Drake. He's moving on from Google. It's the Love Battle of the Century!
OK, I know what you're thinking: Woodafuk cares? This will only last six months. One of them will meet a hot ninth grader and - wham-bam! - it'll be "So long, thanks for the headlines," and they're on to gutting the next elk in the wildlife preserve.
Well, I say NO. This is it, humankind. We have finally moved to the next level. We thought it was Jay-Z and Beyonce. We thought it was Kanye and Kim. This will make Kanye and Kim's baby look like the offspring of Divine and Andy Devine. We are evolving as a species. And no matter what happens with Trump, or with Tebow, or with Luis Severino - who got hammered yesterday by a sorry team of Canadian clods - it doesn't matter.
A-Rod is dating J-Lo. God has spoken, and HEAR ME, YANKIVERSE: The Yankees are going to win the 2017 Back Page Competition.