By now, it's clear that to win over thrill-a-minute, millennial vegan hipsters - (thinking Barron and Tiffany Trump here) - the great men who own MLB must do more than merely ban the intentional walk.
Fortunately, the cavalry is on its way! In perhaps the most exciting news since Bud Selig proposed decorating the bases with logos for Spider-Man 2, the national past tense is teaming up with Game of Thrones - and, no, this is not a stoner video for Adult Swim. Even if it should be.
MLB announced Wednesday that it’s partnering with the mega-popular HBO show “Games of Thrones” for the 2017 season in an attempt to appeal more to its millennial audience. Deadline reported that 19 teams plan to participate, and promotional offerings will include “collectible and co-branded merchandise, ticket packages, giveaways, theme nights and social media events.”
I know what you're thinking: Duque is just a fuddy-duddy with glass tubes in his crotch, and he hates all change, aside from his diapers. Some marketing whiz kids are trying to save the dying sport of baseball by linking it to a popular sword and sorcery TV show, but he's going to badmouth it. This is exactly why the game needs a time clock!
Well, wrong plan, Kellyanne! The fact is, I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of merging baseball with Game of Thrones, unless Gilmore Girls becomes available. (Note: As of now, the Yankees are NOT one of the 19 teams to have signed on. We must pressure Hal - King Joffrey, am I right? - to get with the program.) Game of Thrones will make baseball, as the kids of today say, "Shut up!." In fact, I've taken the liberty of jotting down some ideas - free of charge - for the lords of MLB to hop aboard the bandwagon.
1. Yanks sign dwarf Tyrion Lannister as DH.
2. After YES's David Cone berates bullpen, his tongue is cut out.
3. In pregame ceremony, witch Melisandre brings Yogi Berra back to life.
4. During opening roll call, Bleacher Creatures chant "Hodor" until players acknowledge.
5. After blowing lead, Aroldis Chapman boiled in oil.
6. Joe Girardi manages in tunic.
7. In contract dispute, Hal proclaims, "A Steinbrenner always pays his debts."
8. Due to control issues, Yankee bullpen labeled "the White Walkers."
9. To punish Chase Headley, coaches put his head in rat cage.
10. Suzyn, vowing to show mettle, eats entire horse's heart.
11. To fete Big Papi one more time, Yanks host "Red Wedding Day."