Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Yankeetorial: It's time to review the fundamental laws of the Yankiverse

Some of us, myself included, seem to have forgotten the unified theories govern our existence on the Yankee astral plane with the likes of Jeet & Mo and - yes - Vern & Pronk. We need a theological oil change.

Let's ponder and remember the basic rules of Yankee fandom.

1. When a Yankee is hurt, double the recovery time. I'm startled that some bloggers and Yankeetillectuals actually seemed to think Teixeira would be returning to the lineup by, say, Wednesday. Hahahah. A Tampa Bay Devil Ray might be back by Friday. Not a Yankee. When a Yankee is listed as "day to day," that means "out for a week." A 15-day DL stint means three weeks, minimal. In the case of Youkilis, quadruple everything. Come on, people, we're better than that!

2. Yankee youngsters are never "young." Some of us - yes, me too - now and then get giddy because some lugnut at Scranton batted .400 last week. We want to see the "kids." We have to remember: Yankees don't have "kids." On another club, a guy at Triple A might be 21 or 22. Our Scranton roster is comprised of mature goodfellows between the ages of 25 and 34. Melky Mesa is 26. Dellin Betances is 25, as is Vidal Nuno. The other day, the Yankees promoted a rawboned "kid" named Graham Stoneburner to Scranton. He's 25.

3. It's not 2005. We would go undefeated if this was only 2005. Sadly, it's not. Some of us - yes, I'm guilty - have a tendency to dismiss the last few years of a player's career on the grounds that he wasn't a Yankee, so they didn't happen. Take Vernon Wells. Please. (Badaboom.) In May, I wrote a lusty, musk-scented love post to the Vernster - so frothing with Yankee longing that I suspect he still carries the printout in his wallet. In essence, I welcomed him back to 2005. Now, we're seeing his Wellsian numbers and - guess what - they are what he did last year in Anaheim. Which is why he is a Yankee.

4. Consider what the other teams have. Yes, some meat-cog in our system is always hot; but dare we compare ours to theirs? God, no. This year, we will field two Gulf Coast Rookie League teams. Thus, on certain days, we are guaranteed a star! If one team gets no-hit, we have a pitcher who threw a no-hitter! Our dreams have come true. Trouble is, if you compare what we have with what they have... ouch. 

Three days ago, the Redsocks promoted 20-year-old SS Xander Bogaerts to Triple A. He is 6'3," runs like a cheetah, and he was hitting .310 at Double A, among the league leaders. If he were in our system, trust me: We would be going NUTS over him. Instead, we bloggers blog about Tyler Austin - now up to .272!  Pathetic. (BTW, the Redsocks have a 3B named Cecchini who is ripping apart High A, and will soon hit Double A. Again, we have nobody having a year like this at Tampa.)

5. When we stop spending, we drift. This is maddening. Why, why, why? We all want the Yankees to be Oakland or St. Louis - to built an organizational powerhouse that wrangles great teams out of inexpensive players. But for reasons that must be institutional - or maybe intrinsic to the Yankee culture, itself - we cannot get there.

Listen: Cashman is no fool. Not only that, he's relentless - Reid Brignac, fer kricesakes! But without an open checkbook, we constantly sputter to a halt. In the last two years, the A's picked up Cespedes, and the Dodgers picked up Puiig. They were too expensive for us. We signed Adonis Garcia and Ronnier Mustellier, the cheapo versions. And here we are. 

6. It could be worse. For all the negativity, we're within striking distance. The fulcrum of every season - July - is two weeks away. Nothing that happens this week - regardless of how good or bad it seems to be - can eliminate us or guarantee us anything.

Them's the rules, folks. Deal with it.

1 comment:

JM said...

Funny you bring him up, I ordered a Reid Brignac at my favorite bar the other day and it wasn't bad. Courvoisier, dark rum, a little simple syrup and some ginger beer. It sounded terrible, but after seven or eight, I had to give it a passing grade. Wouldn't necessarily order it again, but glad I tried it. Couldn't hit worth shit, thought.