Tuesday, November 21, 2017

The weirdness of trusting Cashman

Strange times. Yesterday, the Yankees made two certifiably crappy trades, dealing MLB-ready prospects for dirt league lottery picks - or as old Rumsfeld would put it, "known unknowns" for "unknown unknowns" - and here's the crazy part: I'm okay with it. No... I endorse it!

Yes, I'm happy. I say, "O, fiddle-dee-dee! Cue the sun! That's China Town, Jake!" 

No, I haven't chewed through my bindings. I haven't quit the meds, and this not me texting from a traffic circle, hurtling naked in my car at Judge Jeanine speeds. I'm pleased - yes, happy, happy, happy! - watching the goldfish bowl, while Mr. Cashman makes his deals. He's doing a wonderful job, Mr. Cashman is. Wait? Did I say that already? No? Well, he's doing a wonderful job, Mr. Cashman is. Oh, now I am being silly! It's just that - well - in this newly giddy Yankiverse, Mr. Cashman makes the deals, and I endorse them from my IT IS HIGH tuffet, eating my curds and whey. Everything is - as the kids say - "groovy." Why, the other day, we traded solid Nick Rumbelow for a teenager named "Then," and I didn't go Abbott & Costello and shout, "Then WHAT?" No, I said, "What a fine trade, and what a kind and wonderful fellow is this Brian Cashman; I wonder... will he not be inducted into Cooperstown someday?"

Yes, I'm declawed. I'm without bile or bite. This Thanksgiving, we will gather around the turkey and give thanks to Mr. Cashman for his bountiful harvest of Yankee optimism. Every week is Hope Week. All is going as planned. Everybody knows that the Yankees' farm system is such a deep wellspring of talent that Mr. Cashman must deal off players - like a nuke plant releasing steam - to save us from losing them in the Rule 5 draft. It's smart, it's sassy, it's Mr. Cashman! once again, outsmarting those Mariners and Marlins. I have entered a Yankycodone delirium, where everybody trusts Mr. Cashman and it is... um... have I said that Mr. Cashman is doing a wonderful job?

Comrades, this is strange territory - trusting the Yankee front office. It's like strapping on the new jet pack to fly over the volcano. Everything is fine. We came within a game - hell, within a pitch here and there - of the World Series, and frankly, we gave the Astros a tougher row than the Dodgers did. We have three of the game's rising sluggers - Judge, Sanchez, Bird - plus a Cy Young candidate named Severino, and forget the Core 4; once Glyber and Clint arrive, we could have the Big Six or Magnificent Seven. Yesterday, Mr. Cashman made the necessary deals to protect six roster slots, a great job he is doing, Mr. Cashman is.

Strange times, all around. Every day, some male icon of morality turns out to be a masturbatory creep, and while some crumble from the public humiliation, others redefine hypocrisy with their rage-filled sanctimonious denials. The skies are filled with jet trail penises, Lil Peep is dead, and I sit here, drunken in my newly found trust of Mister Cashman. Have I told you that he is doing a wonderful job?

7 comments:

13bit said...

In ancient Siracusa, there once lived a bard.
He wrote of sky penises, both soft and hard.
He sang songs of Cashman, that once tub of lard
Transformed now this year to the Ace among cards.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Just who is on the 40-man roster now? Did Cave make it? Ford? Is that Higashioka guy who can't hit
still on it?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Alphonso said...

There is Karma in " The Magnificent Seven."

Let's go for that one.

I don't believe a word of praise for Brian, by the way. Just for the record.

JM said...

He was HURT and he did what he did the last two months? Yikes.

#Yankees announce Aaron Judge underwent arthroscopic surgery on his left shoulder Monday. Procedure involved a loose-body removal and cartilage clean-up. The anticipated recovery time will be completed in advance of the start of spring training.

Leinstery said...

The Braves just got ass fucked by the MLB. Maybe the Yanks can replace everyone they inevitably lose in the Rule 5 bullshit and replace them with the Braves former top prospects.

HoraceClarke66 said...

So Ohtani is available. Oh, yeah. Ohhhh yeahhhh.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Isiyku Abdulahi said...


I really want the world to know about this great man who brought back happiness into my life again after my husband left me and the kids 3 years ago for another women online when i contacted Dr Believe he cast a love spell for me within 48 hours my ex husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness for everything that have happened between us. I was so happy to have my family back together with love again here is the email of Dr Believe via believelovespelltemple@gmail.com a man with the great powers you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348156148821
God bless you
I am very grateful for your help in my marriage.