Virtual Off-Day: Tanaka Exposes Conditions in Yanks Rehab Camp.

Controversy enveloped the Virtual New York Yankees today, as Masahiro Tanaka, speaking through an interpreter, shrugged off his magnificent, bullet-dodging performance in Houston, which came about only after he was able to manipulate his ulnar collateral ligament back into place.

"I only did what had to be done—what the team needed me to do," Tanaka told reporters.  "Any true Yankee would do the same in my place."

But it was his revelations about the Yankees' rehab camp in Tampa that truly rocked the sports world. Tanaka painted a picture of a facility that features regimens and devices that do little to actually make anyone better, and may in fact extend the stay of players on the DL indefinitely.

The camp is now run by a troika of TV doctors—Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Drew—dubbed "The Unholy Trinity" by patients.  It features approaches such as cupping, bleeding, the drawing out of the foul vapors, exorcism, tobacco therapy, and those fat-jiggling bands and steam boxes that are always featured in old Hollywood movies about ridiculous businessmen trying to lose weight in time for tonight's big dinner with the boss.

"There is something else—another machine—which they call 'the Ellsbury,' but no one likes to talk about that," Tanaka said darkly.

These techniques are generally considered to be archaic and even dangerous, except by the CDC.

Ronan Farrow and several camera crews were reportedly headed for the rehab camp.  There was no comment from Yankees GM Brian Cashman, who was last seen walking undisturbed through the firefight at Jett Rink Park, in his special Eagle Protective clothing.