Breaking News! Official IIHIIFII...c Audit Results, Part II—Recommendations

 

With rhetorical chaos swirling around the New York Yankees today, the Less-than-official Auditors of the team, IIHIIFII…c Business Consultants, released the second round of their completely unauthorized audit today. 

This second part is “Recommendations,” and reflects what the auditors—none of whom have held an actual baseball job in their lives, which puts them on the same level as the Yankees’ official auditors—would do if they ever got their grubby mitts on real power.

Recommendations:

In order to stave off imminent collapse and the onset of a SeisMetsic Shift Event in New York’s fan base, the New York Yankees will have to take immediate action, as well as embarking on the deep-rooted, long-term changes necessary to reverse the slide of this once-fabled sports franchise and exemplar of sustained excellence.

These changes will have to be thorough, dramatic, unyielding, and—at least in the short-term—expensive. In the long term, if properly executed, it is our informed opinion that they will prove to be beneficial and extremely profitable. Or at least, good for a laugh.

—We recommend that, in order to compete in 2024, the Yankees sign ace Japanese free agent, Yoshinobu Yamamoto.

—We recommend that the Yankees sign that diminutive Japanese relief pitcher somebody mentioned, whatshisname.

—We recommend that the Yankees re-sign old friend Jordan Montgomery.

—We recommend that the Yankees sign closer Josh Hader.

—We recommend that the Yankees sign outfielder (and Ninja warrior) Cody Bellinger.

—We recommend that the Yankees make a major effort to trade for outfielder Juan Soto, if he is on the market. 

—We recommend that the Yankees attempt to trade DH and millstone, Giancarlo Stanton, even though that will mean having to pay much of his immense salary. If he refuses a trade, we recommend that the Yankees play him in the field for every inning and every pitch of spring training, until he collapses.

—We recommend that the Yankees trade pitcher Carlos Rodon, even if that means having to pay much of the bloated pitcher’s bloated salary.

—We recommend that the Yankees trade their only real trade commodity of any value, second baseman Gleyber “What, Me Worry?” Torres.

—We recommend that, if they have not been able to obtain a better candidate for centerfield than Estevan Florial, that the Yankees give Florial a genuine shot to win the position in spring training.

—We recommend that the Yankees give catcher Austin Wells every chance to win the position in spring training—and that they give minor-league catcher Ben Rice every chance to win the back-up catching spot.

—We recommend that the Yankees trade professional weightlifter Ben Rortvedt immediately, before he hurts himself again.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire manager Aaron Boone, and replace him with Buck Showalter. If Showalter declines the position, we recommend that the Yankees replace Boone with Hensley Meulens.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire general manager Brian Cashman, and replace him with Kim Ng.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their entire analytics department, be it large or small, and replace it with individuals who actually understand and know how to utilize analytics.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their scouting and talent assessment personnel, and replace them with individuals who can actually recognize and sign young talent everywhere.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their “pro-scouting department” personnel, and replace them with the individuals who obviously do a much better job of preparing the Yankees’ opponents. 

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their minor-league development personnel, and replace them with individuals who have proven able to actually develop minor leaguers into productive major-league starters.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their instructional and training personnel, and replace them with individuals who will not actively injure or retard the development of young players.

—We recommend that the Yankees find these new personnel by assessing the front offices of the many teams that regularly outperform them in producing talented, healthy, athletic young ballplayers.

—We recommend that the Yankees refuse to accept any more advertising for the team’s uniforms, and buy out the current advertiser. We further recommend that the team refuse to take part in MLB’s blatant “City Connect” gear grab, and commit to keeping, untouched, the traditional Yankee uniforms of home pinstripes, and road grays.

—We recommend that the Yankees slash concession prices across the board at Yankee Stadium.

—We recommend that the Yankees slash ticket prices at the publicly subsidized Yankee Stadium.

—We recommend that Mr. Steinbrenner tear down the lower deck wall, and allow all fans free access to their entire ballpark.

—We recommend that the Yankees abolish luxury boxes and, until those boxes can be physically replaced, implement a lottery for fans to enter so they can win a box for a night.

—We recommend that the Yankees embark on an ambitious, multi-year improvement plan—at their own expense—to greatly expand, enhance, and place closer to the ballfield, seats of the botched Yankee Stadium III. Above all, we recommend removal of the monstrous, “black-box” restaurant in centerfield.

—We recommend that the Yankees embark on an ambitious, multi-year improvement plan—at their own expense—to greatly expand, enhance, and place closer to the ballfield, seats of the botched Yankee Stadium III. Above all, we recommend removal of the monstrous, “black-box” restaurant in centerfield.

—We recommend that the Yankees place all of their games on the YES Network, and fill much more of the network’s air time between games with broadcasts of great Yankee games, histories of the team, and biographies of great Yankee players and personnel. 

We also recommend that the team broadcast a much wider variety of great Yankee games, commission a much better, comprehensive history of the franchise, and provide much better player bios.

—We recommend that the Yankees stop trying to hold up New York City for more subsidies, and instead make meaningful contributions to the Borough of the Bronx.

—We recognize that almost none of these recommendations are likely to be accepted or acted upon by Hal Steinbrenner or the current Yankees front office. In light of this intransigence, we recommend that the Steinbrenner family sell the team immediately—provided that any such sale is not made to James Dolan.

We recommend that, optimally, the Steinbrenners sell the team to an investment group headed by Derek Jeter, who will take over full control of baseball operations. Failing that, the Yankees should be sold to the City of New York, and made into a publicly owned corporation along the lines of the Green Bay Packers in football.

Extreme as these measures may seem, they will, in the long run, guarantee much more popularity and much higher profits for the team, a much better working relationship between the club, the city, and the fans—and a lot more fun for everybody.