Who's backing up on first? Only Abbott and Costello know, as the Yankees play a dangerous shell game

Attention Walmart Shoppers: It's time for some Cat-4, felony-grade juju. 

From now on, whenever Anthony Rizzo or Oswaldo Cabrera step to the plate, wherever you are, point your best juju shotglass or roachclip in the direction of the Montefiore Medical Center and chant, "LET HIM LIVE." Both are currently the last lines of defense to the immediate Yankee future. 

If either tweaks a gonad, or strains his cabbage patch, the Death Barge has no 1B or 3B replacement, without panning the streams of Moosic for somebody, anybody, which is always dangerous at the MLB level.

If Rizzo goes down, our 1B is Oswaldo, which means nobody to handle 3B or backup SS. Simplified, we'll play Whack-a-Mole with the Injury List. 

So, you ask, WTF? Wasn't Brian Cashman's greatest skill his ability to scan the recycling bins of MLB for used brake pads and rotator cuffs? Last year, around now, sensing a dearth of lefty bats, he brought in Franchie Cordero, Jake Bauers, Willie Calhoun and Billy McKinney - the Four Stopgaps of the Apocalypse - to survive the month of May. 

This year, if Rizzo or Oswaldo's bottoms bark, here's what might happen...

1. Journeyman Jahmai Jones, at 26, will learn an emergency position. Over his four-year MLB career, he's played 2B, OF and DH, with a BA of .170 and no HRs. (He missed the John Sterling HR Holler window.) This year, he's 0-for-1.  

2. Oswald Peraza? Nope. He's "hitting" at the Tampa complex, weeks away from a rehab assignment. What a cruel set of cards he's been dealt. It's hard to remember that, in 2022, up for a September cup of coffee, Peraza hit .306 and was nearly anointed as Yankee SS of the future. But but BUT... the guy'll soon turn 24. Twenty four. Too young to give up on. But, for now? No help.

3. DJ LeMahieu. You all know his foot is not healing well, and we've seen how diminished he is when swinging in pain. Eventually, he'll be back, but this ailment is now into its second year. DJ remains a solid clubhouse presence, a grand old franchise warrior, but something is wrong here. No immediate remedy. Another lost month? Or worse?

4. John Berti, a guy we traded a high ceiling prospect for, has been abducted by an abductor strain - (aren't I witty!) - until further notice. Haven't seen any updates. Lost in the memory hole?

5. Kevin Smith played 3B last night for Scranton. He's 8-for-40 at Triple A, that's a perfect .200. In a pinch, he'll probably get the call. But he's 5'11," not exactly what you want at 1B.

6. Caleb Durbin, the 5'6" mite of Moosic - (as Martin Mull would say, "He's last to know it's raining and first to know it's a flood") - went 2-for-4 last night for Scranton (playing LF.) He's hitting .280, but the average is dropping. (He started this season on fire.) Durbin can play everywhere, we are told, but my hunch is our Altuve won't play 1B.

7. Jose Rojas, a 31 year old journeyman, played 1B last night in Scranton. He also plays 3B. He's hitting .193 at Triple A, with 3 HRs. In his MLB career, over 225 at bats, he's hitting .188.

8. Jordan Groshans, 24, a former 1st round pick of Toronto's, was picked up this spring off the scrap heap. He plays 3B, a career .270 hitter in the minors with speed - 87 SBs.

9. Presumably, Lyle Overbay and Jason Nix are out there somewhere, waiting for the call. In the meantime, remain Juju-Vigilant. We need a security detail about Rizzo, who has just started hitting, and Oswaldo, who is - basically - our starting 3B and entire bench.