Look... I get it.
We've reached that Dr. Strangelove point in this winter's free agency flesh pit: Everybody left is Slim Pickens. Whomever we sign will add to a crushing luxury tax, plus cost us picks in next summer's draft and - frankly - you're tired. You haven't been sleeping well. Your toes are bloating. You hear catcalls on the street. This whole identity - ownership - is dehumanizing. You're a real person, not an ATM. You're more than a Sunday bottomless mimosas special at Hooters. You laugh, you cry... you care.
Do the fans care back? No, the slimy bastards. They demand that you sign Alex Bregman, the cheater. And why? He's destined for Boston, after Anthony Santander signs with Toronto, and Pete Alonso stays a Met. Somebody will sign Tanner Scott. Screw it. They just want you to sign everybody, and you can't.
As for all those trades being jabbered across the Internet? Screw them. You've decided not to give up The Martian or Spencer Jones, which is all that other teams want. You made a commitment to the future. There's no turning back.
I get it.
But but BUT... there happens to be one player on the market who will not cost us another draft pick, or a billion in taxes, or our immortal soul.
His name is Roki Sasaki. Through a quirk in the Japanese posting processes, you can compete with other bidders. He is 23. He is 6'4." He broke Ohtani's record for throwing the fastest pitch ever recorded, 101 mph, by a high-schooler. He has thrown a perfect game. He once struck out 13 straight batters. He is the answer to the dearth of Japanese stars on the Yankees. He is the perfect response to being outbid by Steve Cohen for Juan Soto. He is the missing ingredient on the 2025 Yankees.
Sign Sasaki, and the Yankees will win the 2025 AL East, drawing a first-round bye and home field advantage through the postseason.
Sign Sasaki, and the Yankees will present the greatest six-man rotation in baseball history: Cole, Fried, Sasaki, Rodon, Schmidt, Gil. (Stroman as long man in the bullpen.) The six-man staff - unprecedented - would ease the strain on pitchers, lengthening careers and easing the bullpen load.
Sign Sasaki, and the Mets will not rule NY this summer. In fact, Yank fans will forget Soto - except for when they boo him mercilessly in the Subway Series - and cheer you, as the owner who outsmarted Moneybags Cohen.
Sign Sasaki, and the Yankees will win the 2025 World Series.
Sign Sasaki, and you will ride down the Canyon of Heroes, and you will be adored, and nobody will ever again think of you as a mere money hose, but as a real person, a good human being.
Sir, I beg of you...
For your own good, for the Yankees' good, for the world's good... sign Sasaki.
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11 comments:
Sasaki would be great. Hal isn't, so we won't get him.
This makes perfect sense, and there is absolutely no reason for the team not to sign him, unless…he simply doesn’t want to come here. We”ll know very soon.
Pinstripe Alley is doing a poll, how would you address the Yankees infield?
I was so tempted to write, "Hello, infield!"
We won't get Roki because one of his most significant asks is that the organization that signs him be able to sharpen his mechanics and improve his performance by instructing him on how to be a complete pitcher. This eliminates the Yankees from competition.
Good point Carl. Cash likes "finished products". Can't create them, but he likes them.
HAHAHA
Responding for Mr. Steinbrenner:
If we get that Japanese guy, we might win the World Series.
Winning creates expectations of additional winning. This is NOT acceptable. Look at all of the whining and cursing (of me, Cashmonkey + Lorna Boone) in which the denizens of a particularly egregious blog regularly engage -- for no reason I can discern.
Whereas, if we continue to muddle along, make the playoffs, win a few games in the post-season -- and so forth -- we will fill the stadium with fans who avidly buy hot dogs and beer. This is the sure path to profit, doncha know!
Therefore, we will continue with the plan of having DJL play at least 100 games, elevate The Martian to the majors only if he bats below .190 in spring training, and finding new ways to cripple the pitching staff -- including trading a select group of promising young pitchers for a Taco Bell Deluxe Dinner.
Thank you very much for listening! And go do that same thing to yourself that you just wished on Mr. S.
El Duque, you are en fuego. That is as brilliant an argument as anyone could possibly make to M. Le Steinbrenner.
But...Joe FOB is right. HAL plays the long game. For him, a 23-year-old pitcher who wins us a World Series is just a 28-year-old pitcher who wants a fortune—and who the fans won't let you let him walk.
Sasaki will sign with the Mets. We'll insist we JUST missed out and finished second, which means fourth.
That's pretty damned funny. Though you could also say, "You're the infield? Oy."
Just remember, Hal's actual name is Harold. I've only known one Harold in my life, in grade school, and he wasn't exactly the most popular kid in our class.
If I was Steinbrenner, the Yankees would have all the players AND there'd be to homelessness or hungry children in the Bronx. HAL is just such a worthless shit.
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