Giovanni!

 

For me, the best way to pay tribute to John Sterling is through the world he loved almost as much as that of baseball: the American musical theatre. Hence, I present, Giovanni!, the Master's musical epic, as he might have written it.

We open with hordes of distraught, keening Yankees fans and players making their way into the Original Yankees Stadium, which has somehow manifested itself across River Avenue. They wail and sing dolefully:

Requiem aeternum don Giovanni

Requiem aeternum don Giovanni

HAL & PAL swagger into the Stadium. 

HAL is wearing his kinky boots and a yachting cap; PAL, his finest elf rappelling costume. They sing disdainfully:

Oh, what a circus

Oh, what a show!

New York has gone to town

Over the death of a man who got everything wrong!

Somehow, though, JOHN STERLING’S voice echoes out over the field:

He’s something sort of Grandish! The Grandy Man can! Oh, the Grandy Man can!

HAL & PAL tremble, and clutch each other, but resume singing derisively:

He had his moments

He had some style

For years the best show in town was the crowd

Outside the Drive-by-Jeep booth in the Stadium

Crying, “John!  John!  It is so gone!”

But STERLING'S voice resounds again through the PA system, enthralling the crowd:

Sir Lancelot rides to the rescue! C’est lui! C’est lui!

HAL & PAL persist:

But that’s all gone now.

Soon as the tears from the media clear

We’re all gonna see

How

He did nothing for US!

For a third time, Sterling's voice enraptures the Stadium:

Russell shows muscle! Monsieur Martin est la! Giancarlo, non si può stoppalaro! It is a Stentorian home run! Non dimenticar! That ball sure traveled far! Oh, McCann can! Yes, McCann can! El Comedulce! Bobby Abreu is as sweet as candy! 

JOHN'S coffin is brought into the ballpark, carried by eight pallbearers: THE CORE OF FOUR plus BERNIE WILLIAMS, PAUL O'NEILL, EL DUQUE, and TINO MARTINEZ. 

Atop the enormous catafalque, wearing a glimmering, sleeveless dress, is SUZYN WALDMAN. She raises her arms to the heavens, and the mourners are moved to song once more:

Salve regina mater misericordiae

Vita dulcedo et spes nostra

Salve salve Suzyn regina

Ad te clamamus exules filii Giovanni

Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes

O Clemens o roger

SUZYN extends her arms to them, and begins to sing:

Don’t cry for me, Suzyn Waldman,

For I am ordinary, unimportant

And undeserving

Of such attention

Unless we all are

I think we all are.

 

Climb on John’s catafalque 

O my Yankees!

And when it’s your turn to die 

You’ll remember

They wore those special hats

Sang lamentations

Not just for Giovanni

For everybody

So share his glory

So share his story.

SUZYN, the pallbearers, and the crowd are all reduced to sobbing. JOHN'S voice rings out again:

Oh, yes, in-Didi! Gregorious makes Yankee fans euphorious! This is the dawning of the Age of Gregorious! Robbie Cano, don'tcha know! The Giambino! The Bam-Tino! 

HAL & PAL slink away from the now ecstatic crowd. HAL, brooding, asks PAL:

How can we best monetize this?

(With many thanks to Andrew Mearns, managing editor for our brethren over at Pinstripe Alley, and to Stang, for bringing his ranking of all 144 of the Master's calls to my attention.)