Breaking News: Tension Escalates as Lohudders Close to Revolt !

While the offseason for Major League baseball hot stove rumors always seems to take a break on Sundays in the winter for the NFL, tensions were high and rage was in the air over the last thirty-six hours in the comment section of the Lohud Yankees blog.

Trouble was percolating after Peter Abraham, the Bard of Lohud, announced these tidbits in in his "Random Thoughts (mostly) on the Yankees" post:

"Free advice for the Yankees: Now that the team is going into the new Stadium, try something new with the in-game entertainment. YMCA and Cotton-Eye Joe have reached the end of their usefulness and are far more cliche than fun at this point. It’s also time to dial back God Bless America to Sundays only. Fans express their patriotism by standing for the Star-Spangled Banner and that should never change. Are the Yankees somehow better Americans by playing a second song? If that’s the case, than there should be a patriotic song between every inning."

"Joel Sherman of the Post had a good take on Mike Mussina on his blog. Moose was tough for reporters to deal with when he first arrived in the Bronx. He left as a “go-to guy” and garnered a lot of respect. Fans, meanwhile, benefited from his insight and his popularity grew. There’s a lesson in there somewhere for players like A-Rod. The energy spent distancing yourself from the press and public can be turned into a positive if you’re willing to loosen up."

"Barak Obama picked his entire cabinet in three weeks. It has been three months and Mike Francesa still doesn’t have a partner for his radio show. Kim Jones is obviously the best choice based on what I heard. Meanwhile Chris Russo has vanished off the face of the earth as far as his impact goes. If I’m listening to talk radio in the car – satellite or otherwise – I need to get some New York-centric updates and traffic mixed in."

Loyal blogger 'randy I' responded within 26 minutes of the writing of the post, sending a rocket over the bow of SS Abraham with this:

"Barak Obama picked his entire cabinet in three weeks. It has been three months and Mike Francesa still doesn’t have a partner for his radio show. Please do not discuss politics here. I want this to be for baseball only, although I certainly understand if other sports get in the conversation. huh?lol."

And no more than five minutes later did P-Abe respond, dropping some Andy Dufresne on 'randy I':

"Randy: Please don’t be obtuse. You know exactly what I am talking about. Making an off-hand reference in a post is not discussing politics. There were people debating the New Deal in the last post. That’s not what this blog is about or will ever be about. Please abide by the wishes of the community. Thanks."

Exactly 24 minutes later, 'randy I' retorted with this beauty:

""Randy: Please don’t be obtuse." “obtuse” ?
now i’ve been called a lot of things , but’s there’s line that shouldn’t be crossed. no one can call me a pythagorean angle and get away with it.
on the other hand,maybe i should google”obtuse” first before getting my dander up:
"lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility or intellect : insensitive , stupid b: difficult to comprehend : not clear or precise in thought or expression”
ok, no problem. just don’t call me a part of a triangle. amazing how my vocabulary expands from blog participation.
peter, by the way, have a nice thanksgiving ."

(Please forgive the grammatical errors, I just C&P'd it on here, had no time to get it copy edited)

At 3:35 p.m. EST, 'EdWhitson', a relative newcomer in the gated Lohud Comment Community, had this to say about Abraham's views on God Bless America:

"With the exception of Peter, I have never heard anyone complain about “God Bless America” in the 7th. In fact, most seem to enjoy it. Watch Section 39 – American flags are on display and a chant of U.S.A. can be heard. Nobody seems to have a problem except Peter – not sure what his issue is. Frankly, he’s never explained his thiking, but I would be interested in hearing an argument. His argument – “if it is so patriotic, than do it every inning” is what people do when they do not have a cogent argument; they take an extreme position that is untenable. Textbook move if you can argue the facts and also totally JV. A semi – intelligent person can see through it. Peter, you are better than that."

To which Abraham has yet to respond to.

'Clare', a long time hair across Abraham's ass (it's amazing he hasn't banned her yet!) read into the subliminal Mrs. Madonna bashing and opened up on P-Abe like a can of Spam:

"Peter’s ARod/Mussina crack is yet another example of Peter’s complete delusion about ARod.

The biggest differenc between how ARod and Mussina are portrayed in the media is more a function of the media, than how either players deals with the media.

It’s particularly galling that Peter is now saying ARod needs to be more open with the media when he has repeatedly said that ARod should just shut up and play. For example, Peter was one of the people who jumped all over ARod’s fairly innocuous WFAN interview in spring training 07.

If Peter had any self-awareness about this, he might take a moment to reflect on the “aliens in central park” incident. He was so sure that ARod would never come back to the Yankees, despite ARod’s words all year that he wanted to be a Yankee. Peter could have had the scoop on this story (he had Miller’s IP address, he could have tried to track it down), but instead he mocked the idea and made the aliens prediction. Why? I think it’s a reflection of how his antipathy towards ARod makes him unreliable on this subject.

Of course, Peter is much more likely to make personal cracks about his commenters than to question his own biases."

To which Abraham has yet to respond to.

In addition to the multiple whackings the 'Blogfather' took yesterday, there was also some 'Lohudder on Lohudder' violence.

After numerous postings of the most ridiculous trade proposals and ideas for the Yankees' 2009 roster, newcomer 'bru' ate a little ass from the blog's resident old-timer, 'GB7', the elusive 'GreenBeret7'.

Things kicked off when 'bru' (I swear it's George Steinbrenner) made this comment at 12:12 a.m.:

"arod is a good defensive third baseman but he is not great.
i like arod.i think he is the best or second best player in the game but i do not think he fits in with the yankees and believe it is a terrible contract.
the yankees turned into an old,one dimentional team with a bunch of bad contracts.
they should unload as much of the big contracts as they can.damon,matsui,posada & be carefull not to make the same mistakes going forward.
if arod’s contract pays for itself wich i hear is the case then he might be an exception.i just hope when jeters contract is up they don’t overpay him or give him 3 years.
these players got filthy rich and it is time they take a discount instead of ripping the yankees off."

(Again, I apologize for the grammatical errors due to 'bru's' lack of an education)

'GB7' at 1:09 a.m.:

"Gotta love how he thinks that Rodriguez is a bad third baseman, but, suggests replacing him with a worse defensive 3rd baseman. Of course, he doesn’t explain how the Yanks would obtain Wright and at what cost. Reyes would go on the market before Wright does. I have seldom seen anybody consistantly post more bad trade proposals than this guy, does."

'bru' at 4:56 a.m. (Wish I could find drugs like the ones this kid is taking):

"gb,you are smarter than that.
i am using wright as an example.i also did not say arod is a bad 3rd baseman.
my point is that if there is an option to sign or trade for a 3rd baseman instead of signing tex.
do you remember how well the brosus signing worked for us,also boggs,hayes.
those trades along with the swisher one have always worked out better for us.
this allows us to spend elsewhere like pitching and debth.it is always the deals that you can’t see coming that usually work but most people posting here are too simple minded and rather insult and critisize everyone else just for the sake of it."

'GreenBeret7' at 6:18 a.m., obviously right before he downs seven raw eggs, a la Rocky, and goes for his morning run around the military base:

"I still stand by it…You say Rodriguez isn’t great but, he’s good…but, you want to move him and bring in Wright, who is worse than not good…he’s average at best. Please just stop with the ridiculous non-sense trades. My 6 year old granddaughter can come up

with better.

In case it has avoided your attention, there are no third basemen available that’s better than Rodriguez. There are, however, better first basemen than he is. Nobody is going to trade a good center fielder for Nady and Kennedy straight up. Why would anybody trade for Matsui until shows that he’s healthy? Now you want to DH Podada and have who catch? Molina? A .220 hitter? That’ll really improve the lineup."

Imagine that. His six-year old granddaughter...

I remember the old days, when the only contact with elderly people would be when they would cut you in line at the grocery store and movie theater, back out of there driveway too fast in the Caddy El Dorado and almost run you over on your bike, and stay way too long at a poker table in a casino.

Now, they get online at six a.m. and yell at you.

More to come as things heat up at Lohud. Of course, one has to think that if the Yankees could ink CC Sabathia and Mark Teixeira in the next hour or two, things may settle down over at Lohud.

Or, SJ44 could show up and just fuck everything up...

UPDATE:

And of course, SJ44 just weighed in with this comment:

"Arod has played on the left side of the infield his entire career. Its not easy to make a smooth transition to first base. Nor, should he have to move to first.

He’s a better defensive third baseman than David Wright and he hasn’t played that position his entire career. As Wright has.

These kind of plans always crop up on blogs when there isn’t any real news to discuss."

This Guy is Going to Play Thurman Munson in a Movie?

Today's Murdoch Mildew reports that Josh "Glory Days" Lucas will play Capt. Thurman Munson in "Keepers of the Pinstripes," a feel-good movie to be filmed next year.

This looks like our "Rudy."

Good deal, the Yanks getting a "Rudy." You can always use one, they're fine brainwashing tools for impressionable youth, plus -- it's going to really piss off Mets fans, who probably need a "Rudy" more than any team on the planet right now. Fukkem. The way they collapsed these last two years, they can forget it. Nobody going to film them a "Rudy." They deserve a "Heaven's Gate," or a "Titanic," without Kate Winslet.

Watch the Redsocks whine about our "Rudy." Well, fukkem. They had that cheesy "Fever Pitch," and it's been fun watching Jimmy Fallon's career skyrocket ever since. He's Mr. Straight-to-Video. And was that Drew Barrymore or Pia Zadora?

Fact is, we haven't had a "Rudy" since Billy Crystal's "61," which was a made-for-TV "Rudy," and made-for-TV "Rudys" don't count.

Supposedly, this new "Rudy" has Bernie, Gehrig, Babe, et al... which makes it an epic, all-star, Golden Globe-candidate "Rudy." They're talking about Tony Soprano playing the Babe, which would add new meaning to "Calling the shot." Hell, this could the "Rudy" of "Rudys," the "Out of Africa" "Gone With the Wind" "Godfather I and II" two-kleenex blockbuster "Rudy."

I wonder if they'll tear down all the movie theaters, so they can build new ones with luxury boxes?

CC, WTF, RUw/US?

Old lawyers say the longer a jury stays in deliberation, the more likely the defendant will be found innocent.

Fortunately, nobody believes lawyers.

Nevertheless, the longer CC Sabathia deliberates, the more likely he will... goddammot, I dunno what he'll do.

But I gotta bad feeling about this. Think about it:

If he hasn't decided by now, what's going to sell him on the Yankees? No other team has made a public offer. He's simply deciding on the Yankees, yes or no. He's gone into seclusion to talk with... whom? Apparently not the Yankees.

If he hasn't decided by now, what is he weighing? He could be thinking about what he can buy with all that money. But he's gonna get money, no matter where he goes. I gotta believe he is thinking about Southern California. And the more he thinks about Southern California, the less he thinks about New York.

If he hasn't decided by now, what will bring him East? We can't offer another year. We can't offer more money. There is no more negotiation. It's yes or no. And he hasn't said yes.

You get down on your knees and ask her to marry you. If she hesitates... guess what? It doesn't look good.

If CC says no, we start thinking of a 5-year deal with AJ Burnett, and maybe even propose to Derek Lowe.

For all Hank's public posturing that we would spend "whatever it takes," we may find ourselves in a period like the 1980s, a time of such negativity that nobody wants to play for the Yankees. Be afraid, folks. Be very afraid.

Time Machine: Thanksgiving 2002

Because those who can't remember the past... are doomed to watch the Arizona Instructional League...

Check out this gem. Two prospects mentioned will have decent careers. But not for us.

By the way, this story was nominated for "Most Optimistic Lede for 2002. Look at the first and third grafs.


November 19, 2002
Henson improving in AFL
By Mark Feinsand / MLB.com

NEW YORK -- Drew Henson has been one of the most heavily watched players in the Arizona Fall League this season, and he may be showing signs of improvement as the season draws to a close.

Henson raised his batting average 11 points this week, and did not commit an error at third base. But despite Henson's play, the Maryvale Saguros continued to struggle, going 1-5 to drop their record to 11-29.

Henson is batting .197 with four home runs and 19 RBIs in 37 games for Maryvale. He has committed a team-high 11 errors.

Henson is one of six Yankees playing in the AFL, all with Maryvale.

Catcher David Parrish has played in 19 games, hitting .298 with two home runs and five RBIs. Outfielder Marcus Thames has played just six games, hitting .455 (10-for-22) with four RBIs.

Adrian "El Duquecito" Hernandez started one game this week, taking the loss after allowing two runs on four hits and a walk in three innings. Hernandez has been impressive over the course of the season, posting a 1-1 record with a 2.38 ERA in 12 games (two starts). Hernandez has allowed 14 hits in 22 2/3 innings, but his control has remained a problem. The Cuban has walked 10 batters, but opposing batters are hitting just .177 against the right-hander, who has not allowed a home run.

Right-hander Bryan Grace is 2-2 with a 5.60 ERA in 10 relief appearances this season, though he did not pitch this week. Opposing batters are hitting .262 against Grace.

Fellow righty Jason Anderson has been shut down for the AFL season, complaining of fatigue in his arm. He finished with no record and a 10.57 ERA in eight relief appearances. In 7 2/3 innings, he allowed 13 hits and five walks, and hitters batted .333 against him. In addition to the nine earned runs he gave up, he also allowed five unearned runs.

He's the Juan: Juan Rivera is playing with the Tigers in the Venezuelan League, having joined the team earlier this month.

Rivera is hitting .238 (10-for-42) with one home run and five RBIs. Rivera has one double, one triple, one walk and three strikeouts.

Time Machine: November 29, 2005

This proves there is no such thing as time travel. If there was, we'd go back and shoot people.


NEW YORK -- The Yankees appear to be closing in on a deal with right-hander Kyle Farnsworth, which would give New York a young, hard-throwing arm to set up closer Mariano Rivera.

One baseball official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Farnsworth will ink a three-year contract worth $15-17 million. The deal could be announced as early as Wednesday.

General manager Brian Cashman wouldn't confirm that Farnsworth was close to signing.

"I've got nothing to report," Cashman said. "We're engaging a lot of different guys. If it leads somewhere, we'll make an announcement."

Farnsworth, who turns 30 in April, went 1-1 with 16 saves for the Tigers and Braves last season, posting a 2.19 ERA. He struck out 87 batters in 70 innings, holding opponents to a .180 average in 72 appearances.

Farnsworth's signing doesn't necessarily spell the end of Tom Gordon's tenure in the Bronx, as the Yankees continue to negotiate with the 38-year-old right-hander.

Gordon, who is seeking a three-year deal, has drawn interest from the Orioles and Phillies, two teams looking to add a closer after B.J. Ryan signed with the Blue Jays and Billy Wagner signed with the Mets.

The Indians, Tigers and Red Sox have also expressed interest in Gordon, with some of those teams willing to give him a three-year deal. A source with knowledge of the negotiations said Tuesday night that Gordon was "not close" to making a decision.

MVP Vote Recount Shows Al Franken Gaining on Pedroia

Less than 100.

It's those damn butterfly ballots. They confused the older Gammonites, who thought they were voting for Carl Yazstremski.

With the Citi Ready to Sleep, What Should the New Mets Stadium Be Called?

The Times says Citi Field won't cut it.

The bad news for a franchise that has had two straight late-season collapses is that it is now linked with a bank trying to stave off its own collapse.

How about...

Piti Field.

Debbets Field.

The Low Low Grounds.

Repo-Dodger Stadium.

The DebtroDome

The Poorhouse that Ruth Built.

Quiz time!

1. The recently retired Mike Mussina will enter the Baseball Hall of Fame ...:

A. as a New York Yankee
B. as a Baltimore Oriole
C. through the front entrance after buying a ticket


2. Dustin Pedroia's selection as American League Most Valuable Player caused:

A. Red Sox fans to rejoice
B. Short people worldwide to be inspired
C. An embarrassing stain on Peter Gammons' underwear


3. Hal Steinbrenner officially taking over as the man in charge means:

A. An increased focus on the financial bottom line
B. A fresh sense of direction in the front office
C. Not much; Hank still won't shut up.


4. Last season, Mussina won 20 games, while Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy combined ...

A. To win four fewer games than Carl Pavano
B. To make Alphonso a wealthy man
C. GEEZ, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP ABOUT HUGHES AND KENNEDY ALREADY! THEY SUCKED, BUT THEY'RE YOUNG. DEAL WITH IT!


5. Sidney Ponson is most likely to end up:

A. With the Yankees
B. With the Blue Jays
C. On NBC's "The Biggest Loser"

Yanks Sign A.G. Mukasey to Sing National Anthem on Opening Day

WASHINGTON _ In an effort to provide the most memorable opening day in history, the Yankees have signed U.S. Attorney General Michael Mulkasey to sing the National Anthem, standing at home plate in front of 69,000 people while a nationwide audience watches and waits for him to collapse into a heap.

"I don't know if it's tasteful, but it sure ought to be fun," new Yankee CEO Hal Steinbrenner said. "I mean, what's the difference between this and a Nascar race? Everybody goes to see the crash, right?"

The Yankees vow to have paramedics and "catchers" nearby for Mukasey's solo performance, which will be sung without microphone or lyric cards, after he has run twice around the playing field and done 50 pushups.

The Yankees chose Mukasey after learning the first 20 rows of nearby luxury boxes will be occupied by the Federalist Society, the only group that could afford them.

Mukasey, 67, said he's looking forward to the opportunity.

"It is gonnnnnnn to beeeeeeeeeeeee-uhhhhmm," he said, and declined further comment.

CC Camp Tightlipped About Appointments to Entourage

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA _ Aides for potential billionaire-Yankee elect CC Sabathia aren't saying who'll receive key appointments in his upcoming entourage, but sources say that if he signs with New York, Milwaukee outfielder Mike Cameron could be announced as the pitcher's incoming Secretary of Bootie.

Sabathia has not said whether he will accept the Yankees $140 million deal, and until that decision is announced, members of his homey club are refusing to speculate on who will be added or retained. That would come after his Jan. 20, 2009 inauguration.

If Sabathia sign, several Yankees could be added to his expanding group. They would most likely include pitchers Chris Britton and Brian Bruney, both of whom are capable of eating similar amounts of food in Sabathia's presence, a key component to the entourage.

"Without Giambi, we'd have to lean on Britton and Bruney to come through with the fork," a Yankee source said. "Either that, or we'll sign David Weathers."

Open Letter to the Yankiverse: Mussina's Greatest Achievements Are Still to Come

Dear Madam or Sir:

As things now stand, Mike Mussina does not get into Cooperstown.

That's due to the anti-Yankee backlash against the spotlight that New York players receive, and an anti-New York bias by small market sportswriters who once dreamed of writing in the Big Apple.

And let's face it, everybody loves or hates the Yankees.

With the greatest of the great players, it's not a problem. Nobody will keep out Derek Jeter. But Bernie, Pauly, Tino et al -- despite the rings on their fingers -- could be denied for many years, until folks look back and marvel about the rarity of four World Championships in the era of extended playoffs.

Mussina will land on the wrong side of this line. Never pitched for a World Champ. Never threw a no-hitter. Never won Cy Young. There will always be some pitcher with similar numbers or a ring, and that guy won't have had tabloid troubles, because there are no tabloids in KC.

But here's why Mussina will make it: He will become the best pitching coach in baseball. He is smart. He is wily. Look what he did this year: He won 20 with next to nothing. He is a great presence in the clubhouse, and you won't find one critic among players or writers.

The Yankees should move quickly to keep Mike Mussina in the family. Sign him as spring training coach, talent director, scout, whatever -- personal assistant to Mr. Hank -- just keep him.

Mike Mussina is going to be a great pitching coach.

And with that added to his resume, he will go to Cooperstown.

All-Time Low: To Pay for MVP Dwarf, Redsocks to Tax Florida Beds

The Sealy Posturpedic people should do something.

Boston is like a motel vibrator bed you feed quarters into while tossing your bones.

This from the poor, oppressed beach hobos of Fort Myers, who now want to build Pedroia & Co. a new clubhouse for their on-field porn:

Keeping the Red Sox here as a signature attraction was necessary. Building a complex for them that might also involve other sports such as swimming and concerts and other outdoor attractions in other seasons can be a boost for a crippled local economy.

The 5 percent tourist levy or "bed tax" on rentals of six months or less is expected to yield $23 million next year. Let's hope that forecast holds up.

Somebody ought to tell Mark Teixeira how they do business.

Hal-lelujah

George annoints Hal as new Boss, owner, poobah, and hirer/firer of Bobby Meacham.

Yanks Should Trade Mussina Now

We've got maybe six hours before the news hits the West Coast.

That means 10 or 12 hours before it reaches San Diego.

The Padres want to unload Jake Peavy.

We can offer them a 20-game winner, a lock for the Hall, a Stanford degree, a madcap twinkle in the eyes, and the darling rural Pa. accent. I say we package Moose, Darrel Rasner (Think they read the Rasner story?) and a prospect -- Gerritt Cole! -- for the San Diego Chicken. If necessary, we'll throw in Kei Igawa, and they can throw in some houses currently under foreclosure. They always liked Kei Igawa. And by now, he's honed a cute rural Pa. accent.

Let's git'r done! Now! This is the kind of all-out, get-yer-suit-dirty hustle we expect to see next year from Robbie Cano. The least we can do is show it in our front office.

And by the way, $12 million just dropped from the sky. Shall we buy ourselves a Redsock captain?

Thanks for the memories, Moose!

Jeet Bumped from Sexiest Man Alive List

That's what happens when you miss the playoffs.

He didn't make the Sweet 16 or even the 100-sexy-men-in-a-minute video.

Hugh Jackman can eat shit.

Moose retires!

Mike Mussina, after an 18-year career, has called it quits.



That now leaves Wang and Joba as our starters next year. I hope each is prepared to throw 700 innings!


Moose should have a big, ear-to-ear, or I guess, an antler-to-antler smile. He went out on his own terms, and should someday have a spot in Cooperstown.


Congrats, Mike. 270 wins in the AL East during the Steroid Era is quite the accomplishment!


Paging CC! I repeat, paging CC and another pitcher to the Bronx!

*** *** UPDATE *** UPDATE *** ***

FUCK YOU, CARL EVERETT

September 2, 2001

Open Letter to Yankiverse: Let's Not Be Cheap Bastards

Dear Madams or Sirs:

Lately, some bloggers have questioned whether CC and AJ are worth $220 million.

Those people are fools.

Let us remember the one central tenet of Yankee fandom.

It's not our money. It's free money.

It's the way all money should be.

If humankind ever shall shed the shackles of earthly materialism, Yankee fans must lead the way.

We must remain above the minimum-wage hellhole of rat-infested slums and bright yellow mustards. Isn't that why we became Yankee fans?

Remember: In baseball, we are rich as Saudi princes, without beheading servants.

Let Royals fans argue about Gil Meche's pay.

We wiped Pavano's buttocks with million dollar bills. We spent more on Arod's clam dip than the Pirates do on their bullpen. And Ponson's legal bills? Let him punch another judge and put it on his expense account.

Remember: When you, the Yankee fan, enter a room, you give off the sweet scent of money. The gals can smell it. They'll crowd close, hoping to catch your eye and maybe -- just maybe -- accompany you to Scranton for Kei Igawa backrub.

Let's not stress over earthly objects.

Especially at Christmas.

Let's open our presents and see what Santa has brought. Let's not look at the price tag.

Who knows? Maybe we'll find a Mark Teixeira Action Figure.

That's what we want, Santa. And we've been good!

Hot Stove Happenings

With all the hot stove action gearing up, and considering the Yankees heavy involvement this year, I'll try to do a daily roundup of links pertaining to Bronx Bombers rumors.

The hot stove is roaring today, as much speculation about the Yankees involvement with numerous big ticket names such as CC Sabathia, Jake Peavy (scroll down for the Peavy info), AJ Burnett and Mark Teixeira are bandied about.

A trade went down today , as the Red Socks gained a bullpen arm (already scouted and touted by Master Gammonite Peter as 'the next Mariano Rivera') and the Kansas City Royals gained a brawling center fielder. The move has already spawned speculation in Yankees Universe about trying to now acquire a K.C. center fielder, seeing as they now have mulitple players at said position. As of today, they have David DeJesus and Coco Crisp.

Dave and Aziz over at Pride of the Yankees have a nice roundup on the Nick Swisher phone presser yesterday. The full audio of the call is available over at Lohud on the Blogfather's blog.

I really like the Swisher deal for a number of reasons. If they fail to grab Mark Teixeira, they have a nice backup for 1B. And even if they do get Tex, they can still use Swisher in any of the OF spots, most likely CF or RF.

And besides, this is Swisher's wife, Danielle, over on the left.

Speaking of 1B, guess who has a hardon for Jason Giambi? Noooooooo !

As far as I'm concerned, (forgive me, I'm playing a little armchair GM here), this is what I'd do:

1. Sign CC at all costs. If it takes $150M over 6 or $175 over 7, DO IT!

2. If San Diego says they don't need Phil Hughes in a Peavy deal, then you package SP Ian Kennedy, RP Jose Veras, SP Kei Igawa, OF Melky Cabrera and offer a lot of $$$ for Igawa and snag Jake the Snake. If need be, slip in C Francisco Cervelli, perhaps even SP/RP Phil Coke. Whatever it takes without giving up any of the top prospects from the farm (Montero, Jackson, Hughes, Betances and Brackmen). I'd rather trade for Peavy than overpay for Burnett and/or Lowe. Here's the man of the hour on the right, drinking straight from a bottle of Jagr.

3. Sign Tex to 6 years, $150. Tell him that he can go out at 34 and get another 6 year, $100M+ deal.

4. Trade Matsui, Brett Gardner, Chase Wright and Humberto Sanchez, along Alan Horne for Ichiro.

5. Resign Pettitte for 1 year, $12M deal.

Imagine a roster of:

CF Ichiro

DH Damon

SS Jeter

3B A-Rod

1B Teixeira

C Posada

LF Nady

2B Cano

RF Swisher

And a pitching staff of: 1. CC 2. Peavy 3. Wang 4. Pettitte 5. Joba/Phil/Al Aceves.

Just give us the 2009 WS trophy now.... bitches!

Let the armchair GM'ing begin!

Breaking News: Abreu hears Brick and Bolts!

Chicago, IL -- Breaking news out of Chicago today, as a Bobby Abreu press conference went horribly wrong and ended with violence.

Early reports surfaced at 8 a.m. Wednesday that Abreu had agreed in principle to a three-year $40 million deal with Chicago Cubs general manager Jim Hendry late last evening over dinner at the Olive Garden on Lake Shore Drive.

Abreu reportedly had Shrimp Scampi, while Hendry consumed a Tour of Italy and extra salad and bread sticks.

This morning after the physical exam was complete, Abreu signed the paperwork and walked into the conference room at Wrigley Field. He put on the jersey and took questions from the local media.

All was well until the tour of the ballpark began. Abreu said he was excited to play right field for the Cubs and wanted to inspect the Ivy covered wall. As he was walking to the outfield, Jay Mariotti began to pester Abreu with questions.

"Are you upset the Yankees let you go the way they did?" he asked of the polite Abreu.

To which Abreu just smiled and shook his head, before engaging in conversation with Woody Paige of the Denver Post about good places to eat in Chicago and a few miles north, Milwaukee.

"Do you think at your age you can still play a decent full time right field?" Mariotti begged. Again, Abreu just ignored him.

When he reached right field, Abreu stopped to smell the air and look around. The group of six reporters following him stopped and chatted briefly. Abreu went over to the beautiful ivy covered wall, glistening with freshly melted frost in the brisk, cold Illinois morning sun. He apparently, according to trusted sources working for IIH, IIF, IIc, reached out to feel the leaves, when he --

"What the FUCK !?!?" yelled Abreu. "There is brick under this motherfucker! Oh, hell no! Fuck this man, I'm out!!"

The crowd gasped as his agent, GM Jim Hendry and Jay Marriotti all came rushing over. According to sources, there was heavy whispering going on, and Abreu turned and ripped off his Cubs jersey and began to walk away. Mariotti began to chase after him, and supposedly the following sequence went down:

"But Bobby, you played for a decade in the National League," Mariotti exclaimed. "You played for both the Astros and the Phillies, how could you not know there are bricks under there? Do you really avoid the wall at all costs?"
"Fuck you Mary, I am warning," in a heavily-accented Latin voice.

"Do you think this maybe one of the reasons why Cashman and the Yankees, as well as all their fans, DIDN'T want you back in right field at Yank--"...

And was cut short by a beating of epic proportions.


Abreu was arrested and detained by the Chicago Police Department, but was bailed out in less than an hour by Omar Minaya, not only posting the $100 bail, but also signing Abreu to a six-year $100 million deal to play right field for the Mets.

"I am so lucky to have the opportuinity to sign another Latin ballplayer," Minaya said. "My roster is almost complete," he added with an evil laugh, as he and Abreu got into a limo and left.

An unnamed spokesman from the Chicago Police Department told IIH, IIF, IIc that the only reason they arrested Abreu for beating Mariotti was because it was in front of other media members. The officer said that had they known all the other sports reporters were going to stand around and laugh as it happened, he would have never felt compelled to break up the fight.

*** *** *** UPDATE *** *** UPDATE *** *** ***

An all-point-bulletin (APB) has been issued for Woody Paige, who reportedly kicked Mariotti several times while security was pulling Abreu off of him.

Paige then reportedly went after Skip Bayless, beating him into a coma during the Abreu arrest ruckus.

- These allegations were all obtained through IIH, IIF, IIc's professional, always accurate sources, which like to habitually drink Jagrmeister and smoke copious amounts of Tree.

The Case Against Derek Lowe

When you read he's an option, don't you cringe?

WHY NOT TO SIGN DEREK LOWE:

1. It won't piss off the Redsocks. (In fact, they'll smirk, knowing they got his good years.)

2. He'll be 36. Thirty-fucking-six.

3. Sad to say, but our infield hasn't the range to justify two sinkerballers.

4. He passes in the NL West. He'll get clobbered in the AL East.

5. He's thrown 800 innings over the last four years. Tick, tick, tick...

6. He's coming off his best year in a while. We'd be buying high.

7. The sonovabich dumped his wife, the mother of his two kids, for the "Dodger Dugout" TV anchor/pinup bimbo.

8. He wore his Boston jersey at Fenway even while a Dodger.

9. Do we want to become the pension plan for old Redsocks?

10. "D-Lowe." Horrible abbreviation.

11. He got hammered in the recent playoffs, by the Cubs.

12. He'll want $10 million. For that, we can buy three Latino 16-year-olds next July.

13. Don't we already have a Derek?

Rays Raise Rays' Ways

It'll cost Tampaoans more next year to watch Dioneer Navarro, whom -- never forget this! -- we totally pissed away in that rancid, rank-from-the-start Randy Johnson deal. (The fiasco that nobody has paid for... except us, the Yankee faniverse.)


Thirteen dollars buys you a bleacher seat in Sarasota.

Lebron to Cleveland: "Worked up over a goddamn $1 (f-bomb) taco!"

Apparently, the season ticket holders to the esteemed Cleveland Cavaliers can't afford a Chalupa from Taco Bell. If the Cavs had scored a hundo the other night, free tacos for everyone.


Instead, LeBron James dribbled down the clock with a paltry 99 on the scoreboard, causing a chorus of boos.


Nevermind the win, the fans wanted their free Chalupas!


Lebron is now angry. Many fans on different Cleveland websites (I know, I was shocked they have internet in that city too!) have opposing takes. Check out what Candice had to say (scroll all the way down.)


Perhaps this is just further proof for LeBron that when he is eligible for free agency, he should consider New York or New Jersey. The fans and people in this corner of the world don't need gimmicks or discounts in order to get a taco.



Paging the New York Knicks.



Here are LeBron's exact comments on the situation:


“I can’t believe people who buy season tickets get worked up over a g– d— $1 (blank) taco.”


Imagine being known as the cheap-ass city and low-rent fans that ran possibly one of the greatest players of his generation out of town over a free chalupa?


Hey LeBron:


Start Spreadin' the News... Your leaving someday...

New York, New York!

Thinks about it!! You and CC will be the Kings of NYC!!!

Breaking News: Mike Mussina -- What the hell is going on?!?!

As the New York Yankees' front office continues to make offers to every available free agent, one little nugget o' news was lost in the shuffle yesterday.

Mike Mussina announced on the website River Ave. Blues, in the comments section in a post about the Leyritz drunk driving incident, that he plans on playing in 2009 for the Bronx Bombers.

Here is the quote from a certain "Mike from Montoursville":

Mike from Montoursville says:
November 17th, 2008 at 10:44 am

"I couldn’t agree more with you Brad K on all points. What a sad situation.

On another note, I wanted to announce first here on my favorite Yankees website, River Ave Blues, that I, Mike Mussina am not retiring and plan on playing the 2009 season for the New York Yankees.

Expect the breaking news in an hour or so. I wanted to tell the fans first, and this is by far the best Yankees site on the web, which attracts the most intelligent of Yankees fans. I’ll tell you what, Jim Rome, Peter Abraham over at Lohud and the writers at ‘It Is High, It Is Far, It Is caught’ all can kiss my white, Pennsylvania ass. I’m back, baby…

Here’s to the Yankees winning number 27 in 2009. God bless all you Yankees fans, and especially the writers at RAB!"

Sincerely,

Mike Mussina
From a cabin deep in the sacred Pennsylvania Woods
Stanford Educated
Yankee Pitcher since 2001

What we at IIH, IIF, IIc are supposed to make of this, I do not know.

But to be grouped with Jim Rome and the Bard of Lohud? We must have pissed in somebody's Cheerios.

More to follow on this story as it develops.

Apocalypse Now: Elfen 2B wins AL MVP Award

Stunning news today in the American League, as the Gammonites got together and nominated Harry Potter...,er, Dutin Pedrioa MVP of the AL.

Kenny Rosenthal is happy for the elf of grit, yet admits he voted for someone else.

Pete Abe has a pretty good take on it as well. He notes that some no-talent ass clown voted K-Rod of the Angels first. Sheesh.

When reached by IIH, IIF, IIc for comment, the Socks' 2B had this to say:

"Yes, of course I'm happy. Yes, I am aware that I am not tall enough to meet the height requirements for 85% of the rides at Disney World. That's why I am taking my fan club on a trip to Aquaboggan again this August."

Upon digging deeper, the It Is High Investigative Unit uncovered these photos of Pedroia with his fan club, "Verti-Kally Challenged R Us" at Aquaboggan last summer.

Here is pic one. Dustin is worn out after swimming all day and getting sunburned.

Here is pic two. Carrie, the VP of Pedrioa's fan club, heard Dusty just went pee in the Wave Pool.

Here is pic three. Jessie, the president of the club, just heard Dusty has elected Jenny prez for '09.

And finally, here is pic four. Jenny, the prez elect, wanted to know if y'all had gotten your tickets for the guns show?

Beautiful New Congress Debates Yankee Bailout; 6 Key Questions

Congress is set to begin a heated debate on whether the New York Yankees will be next in line for a federal bailout.

Democratic leaders in Congress are in favor of some kind of help, as is President-Elect Obama. But the Bush Administration has balked on proposals to let the New York Yankees rebuild, preferring that that the Red Sox simply take over the American League East.

How this debate plays out could determine whether the Yankees survive as a competitive team, and in what form. Here are some quick answers to six key questions about this latest American economic crisis:

1. What do Yankee fans want?

Basically, this is considered irrelevant and immaterial.

2.How many wins can the Yankees expect in 2009, even with federal bailout money?

The current Yankee roster is on target for about 70 wins, even with Carl Pavano unsigned. With a federal bailout package, argued Hank Steinbrenner ( family representative at the hearings ), we could buy CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, Derrick Lowe and Carl Pavano, securing at least 11 more wins.

3. What happens if the Yankees don't get a bailout?

The Yankees run the risk of running out of storefronts in the new stadium. The reality is that the Yankees might have to cancel its lease with Morton's Steak House or, god forbid, the Neiman Marcus outlet, located just down the third base line.

4. What happens if the Yankees don't get back to the World Series in 2009?

Brian Cashman might have to find a job in the US automobile industry.

5. What are the advantages of the Yankees winning the World Series in 2009?

The advantages are legion; emotional health for 65% of America ( fan estimate from Roper Poll, Inc ); consistent rent payments to the City of New York for the bathroom franchise; a spike in beer, hot dog and garment sales; a return to health in the NYC real estate co-op market. Lastly, but not to be ignored, fury and humiliation in Boston ( 1% of baseball's fan base ).

6. What are the economic impacts if the Yankees don't re-structure and win the 2009 World Series?

Treasury Secretary Paulson said today , " that if the Yankees can't re-build the way they need to this off-season, the impact on the US economy would be catastrophic in 2009 and beyond. One out of every jobs in the US is related to Yankee success."

The Center for New York Yankee Success, a Washington think tank that supports the bailout, estimates that between 1.4 million and 1.7 million jobs indirectly tied to the Yankee's success would be lost in the first year following a Yankee collapse in 2009.

Let's sign Varitek just to watch Curt Schilling Sweat

Old KetsupSocks broke into Tolstoy Mode the other day, bloggagging how the Redsocks should sign dear V-Tek, and now I'm really pushing for us to sign him.

Come on, Hank! This would be our revenge signing, like Jennifer Aniston up-seeding John Mayer just to get at Brad for boinking Laura Croft.

Can't you imagine Curt, bleeding into his socks, as he writes... and writes... and writes...

Look at this. Don't even bother reading. Just laugh. (I've highlighted the parts about V-Tek's bouts with the clap.)

Comments like this make it easy to understand, from an athletes standpoint, why and how the media, no matter how good, can never fully grasp what you do, and how hard what you do is for a living. “Please, spare me the Dr. Phil nonsense that Varitek’s personal problems somehow affected his performance this season. If anything, they would affect his mental preparation, not his ability to connect with a fastball traveling above 87 mph.” In talking about Jason, much has obviously been said and he has a pretty passionate group of supporters on the staff. But to imply the above is a borderline admission of ignorance. To say that there is little to no connection with your mental state of mind, and your physical performance, tells me the person talking has never been asked to, or able to, perform a physical activity at a level few others in the world can.Jason would be the last, and likely never would, to make any excuses for the poor offensive year and a half he has had. I will tell you that what he had to endure physically and mentally absolutely impacted him in a negative way performance wise. People don’t know that he twice last year had a serious viral sickness. He was completely wiped out on two different occasions. Both times he lost significant weight and strength and he did so in the midst of playing. Back on the field in a time frame I would guess was NOT in his best health interest. The other ’stuff’ are a very big deal here because regardless of what tabloid journalism might have said this guy lived for his children and was and always will be the best father he can be, of that I have no doubt. I’ve lockered next to him for 5 years, he’s as good a man and human as I’ve known. Sure that paints severe bias into the picture but that doesn’t make it false either. The more important piece to this, and one that was in full view for the pitchers, was the fact that never once did he allow his offensive woes to follow him behind the plate or affect his pre-game preparation, and planning, two crucial elements we as ‘his staff’ valued so highly. The reason I make that statement is that over 20 years of playing at this level that makes him incredibly rare at his position. Few catchers, well none really, that I ever played with put the initial time and effort into game prep he did, but fewer still ever had the ability to separate their offensive woes from their defensive responsibility. As their average went, so did their defensive commitment. I know the ‘anti’ Tek camp is big, and that’s fine, but at the end of the day his value is far beyond a measurable statistic and I think that’s what rubs so many wrong. You’ll know it when it’s gone, it will be a visibly absent thing. Do you pay him 15 a year for 4 years, I don’t know but who gives a 36 year old catcher a 4 year deal? If there was ever a guy to get that deal you could argue this was the guy because you know beyond a shadow of a doubt he’ll be in better shape than any catcher in the game for however many years he gets. It really comes down to someone understanding how much of his contract is being paid for those ‘intangibles’ so many argue for, or against.This guy is the consummate team first, play the game right 24/7 pro. Many don’t care about that aspect, and that’s fine too, there are a ton of utility players that play the same way, but they aren’t worth 15×4 or whatever. But those things matter inside a clubhouse where you inherit a family for 9 months a year. Those things, when absent, can wear a team down fast, but when present they are the things that help a team over the hump as well. This clubhouse has gained, in addition to immense young talent, an incredibly good and deep roster of players with many of those same traits. That bodes well for the coming years, and I would argue Jason is a huge part of that. I am not saying sign him regardless, or let him walk at a certain price, what I am saying is that there is value here beyond AVG/OPS/HR/RBI that writers like the one quoted above will never comprehend, appreciate or acknowledge.

Open Letter to Moose

Dear Madam or Sir,

First, please know this: We want you back. Period.

You are a great Yankee, a great pitcher and a great man. More than anything, more than our families, our careers, our homes, our flag and our dogs -- yes, even more than our beloved pooches -- WE WANT YOU BACK!

That said, what the fuck?

You still can't decide? Dude, come on. It's almost Christmas. Were you able to vote? Can you order from a drive-thru? Listen, there are times when the world demands a simple decision and, sir, your time is now.

This is like that verse in "Paradise By the Dashboard Light," when Meatloaf has a big stiffy and must make the ultimate decision.

What's it gonna be, boy?

Actually, it is beginning to concern us just an eeency-weeeency bit that you haven't decided yet. Our fear is that deep down inside, you really don't know.

Sir... we want you back so bad we can taste the dandruff shampoo in your shower run-off. But what the fuck?

If you really can't decide... maybe that's the decision. Listen, you're not going to be able to wake up January 15 and decide to start getting in shape. You're either staying in shape, because you're coming back -- or you're not.

What's it gonna be, boy?

For the record, though, once more, everybody, altogether:

WE WANT YOU BACK.

Should We Sign the Million Dollar Arms, Rinku & Dinesh?

Million Dollar Arm is a hit reality show in India; imagine a three-way boink between American Idol, Bull Durham and Hoop Dreams.

A gazillion young Indian boys -- geeky, cow-adoring, future telemarketeers for Countrywide Loans Inc.-- competed to become the first MLB pitcher with a Buddha in his locker.

In the last two weeks, the two winners -- Rinku and Dinesh -- have been auditioning for MLB scouts in Arizona. (Not sure if that means eating prime rib and getting drunk with Billy Conner.)

Naturally, they're blogging. Last week, Dinesh filed this gem, reminiscent of Nabokov's depictions of 1950s America through Humbert's Lolita-lusty lens.

We went with JB sir to breakfast at a great American breakfast eatery called Dennys. Rinku ordered a breakfast aclled the Lumberjack. We now know that a Lumberjack is a person who works as a tree cutter in the forrest so they must eat a lot of food. this breakfast was
quite huge. It had eggs, bacon, sausage, ham, potatos, breads, and pancakes. I had French Toast and both meals were very fulfilling.

Note to Hank: Sign this guy. I don't care if his heater isn't fast enough to get ticketed on the New York State Thruway. He still beats Billy Crystal batting lead-off. Besides, didn't Buddha once say: "Catch flies, and let your opponents swat them."

A wicked thought

Sign Sabathia.

Sign Burnett.

Trade Hughes, Kennedy, et al to San Diego for Jake Peavy.

The 2009 season is over before it even begins.

Payback: Yanks Get Revenge for Kei Igawa

Our new Japanese secret agent: Darrell Rasner.

His mission:

1) Let them know we did not appreciate their little Igawa practical joke.

2) Save Jeff from Pinklady.

Found: Joe's Replacement for Manny

Updated Target Practice Coordinates for Fatcats at Yankee Stadium

Honest Abe has posted photos of the House that Rudy Built, including shots of the seat cup-holders that are meant to placade us, the bootless and unhorsed of the Yankiverse, who'll dig into our kids' Ritalin money so CC Sabathia can cut his grass with a solid gold riding mower.

The best shot, with our added trajectory suggestions, shows where the fatcat Wall Street federal-buyout corporate banker oppressors will be glugging the hedonistic fruits of our taxpayer dollars... in the "Legends" seats. God knows what they cost, and He probably can't afford them. Abe notes that if the section looks sparse now, it's only because the cushioned, waterbed cheesebutt-holders won't be installed until spring.

We've estimated your lob coordinates for tomatoes, urine samples, flaming paper bags of dog-poo and the infamous Yankee Stadium nacho cheese, which may cause genetic mutation. If the wind is blowing toward left, the billionaires and their celebrity supermodel beach inflatables will be within hotdog mortar distance. But don't wait until the fifth inning, because by then, there'll be nobody near the field: They'll be in the oxygen bars, watching "Heroes." (Gosh, I really feel like a radical revolutionary here. I just got rid of a week's worth of hostility. Now I can do the boss's laundry and not feel bad!)

No, it's just something in my eye...

“Remember all the times Giambi signed autographs outside the players’ gate?” someone said. “Once he brought an armload of Yankees yearbooks and passed ‘em out. Every time he came over I asked him if we were gonna win the World Series and he always said: ‘I’m gonna do everything I can to make it happen.’”

Leave it to Peavy?

The Braves just punted on the San Diego Chicken.

Is there a chance he might reconsider Gotham?

Phil Hughes, we hardly knew ye....

The Serious Case for Signing... (gulp)... Nomar

I know what you're thinking: It seemed unspeakable last week. But news accounts say Cashman won't go full tilt for Mark Teixiera. Are we really leaving first base to Nick Swisher and his .219 average?

REASONS TO SIGN NOMAR

1. Piss off Redsocks.

2. Make Redsock fans feel really queasy.

3. Platoon at 1b with Swisher, who can't touch lefties (.197, only 6 HRs.)

4. Mia Hamm and Madonna work out together.

5. Assemble history's greatest infield, as measured by 1998 standards.

6. In 2006, he made only one error in nearly 600 innings at 1b.

7. No worries about overcrowded situation; he'll get injured.

8. Once jumped into Boston Harbor to rescue two drowning women.

9. He'll be 35, hungry for one last ring.

10. He's gotta hate Boston for what they did to him.

11. If he doesn't hate Boston, we'll make him hate Boston.

12. Last year, he hit .234 in 46 games, due to injuries. He's ripe for a comeback.

Unthinkable, a week ago. Now...?

Six years, a hundred forty million dollars

That's what we're reportedly offering CC Sabathia to come and pitch for the New York Yankees.

It equals $23.333,333.33 per year.

Weekly paycheck, before taxes: $448,717.98.

Under Obama's proposed 39 percent high bracket tax plan, he will take home $273,717 per week. (This excludes deductions and dodges, which he will have if he hires an accountant.)

It might not be enough.

Insert Headline Here

It's Friday at the White House, and we are all going to die.

Swisher Trade Winds Blow Hot Over She-Fan

This is scary.

Firstbasemen We Have Tried Since Tino Martinez Left

We print this list merely to re-emphasize, in the light of yesterday's deal, the extreme need to sign Mark Teixiera.

Ron Coomer
John Vander Wal
Robin Ventura
Nick Johnson
Todd Zeile
Luis Sojo
Tony Clark
John Olerud
Travis Lee
Jason Giambi
Russ Johnson
Craig Wilson
Aaron Guiel
Gary Sheffield
Doug Mientkiewicz
Andy Phillips
Josh Phelps
Miguel Cairo
Wilson Betemit
Shelley Duncan
Richie Sexon
Cody Ransom
Morgan Ensberg
Jorge Posada
Xavier Nady
Johnny Damon

Nick Swisher...

Cash On Top

So I finally took some time off from the rat race around Yankee Stadium, and headed back to South Mexico for my personal "off-season."

I'm sitting at the Cantina bar about 5;45pm when some guy starts blathering about this major Yankee deal that Mr. Cashman has put together.

We turn on the last rabbit-eared tv in the country and picked up a broadcast ( black and white with mostly static and wavy lines ) out of Amarillo ,Texas.

They say the Yankees signed Nick Swisher to play first base next year. I nearly spit out my marguerita and told the guy next to me that the broadcaster is dead wrong.

" The Yankees are going to sign Mark Teixeira for that role, and give him as much as Hank Paulson is giving the unregulated investment banks," I stuttered.

" Why would we sign yet another guy who has no position? He plays first base about as well as Jorge Posada, third as well as Betemit, and outfield as well as Eric Duncan. Meanwhile, he hits like Alberto Gonzalez." And we gave up players for him?

So I called El Duque on my mobile phone, only to learn that he had already posted a highly rational and diplomatic rant on the deal, giving weight to both sides of the argument.

He did point out that the Yankees also acquired Teixeira in the deal, even if not the right one.

Maybe the new Yankee strategy is to low-ball our way into the season, pretend to compete with teams for CC Sabathia et al, and have those teams go bankrupt. Additionally, if everyone on the team can play any position, we'll have extensive depth. Mediocrity not withstanding.

I'm already looking forward to Spring Training.

Eight margueritas later, I still felt funny.

Bobby Meacham Named Yankee Employee of the Month

Congratulations, Mister October!

Thanks for your help. Good luck in future endeavors. We look forward to your return someday, when we again need a future scapegoat.

Open Letter to CC Sabathia, Mark Teixiera, AJ Burnett

Dear Madam or Sir,

Today marks the start of your free agent signing period.

Before you slog off to Disneyworld or Fenway, or whereverthehell some Pizza Hutt owner has built the tallest stack of coins, please watch this video.

And while watching, ask yourself one question.

Does any other team in baseball have a legacy like this?



Remember: I-eye-eye-ey... consider myself-elf-elf-elf... the luckiest man-an-an-an... on the face-ace-ace-ace... of the earth-erth-erth-erth.

Kei Igawa Ties Joe "the Roa Constrictor" Roa's Record at Scranton

In coal town, he's as big as Joe Biden.

Kei Igawa this year tied the all-time Scranton-Wilkes Barre single season record for wins with 14, putting him up there with the great Joe Roa.

Topps today named Kei to the Triple A All-Star team. Says Topps:

"Igawa led the Yankees in starts (24), wins (14), innings pitched (156.1) and strike outs (117). His 14 wins tied Joe Roa’s franchise record set in 2002."

So who was Joe Roa, aka "the Roa Constrictor?" Some notes:

In 1995, Roa went 17-3 for the Indians Triple A team in Buffalo.

In 2002, Roa for the Red Barons of Scranton Wilkes-Barre, went 14-0 with a 1.86 ERA.

Lifetime in the minors, he went 122-67. In the majors, he was 9-16.

He pitched for 12 major league organizations.

Roa was the Indian to be named later in the 1996 trade that sent Jeff Kent, Julian Tavarez and Jose Vizcaino to the Giants for Matt Williams.

Roa made only 2 errors in his entire major league career.

In his entire career, Joe Roa earned $977,000, according to Baseball Reference.

Last year, Kei Igawa made that in about six weeks.

The Cases for and Against Nick Swisher

IN FAVOR OF THE TRADE

1. We're buying low. Christ, the guy batted .219 last year. If he doesn't improve, he'll be gone by June.

2. Let's say it outloud: "Scott Brosius?"

3. How many 1B/cf are there? (Nobody ever called Jason Giambi a 1B/cf.)

4. Marquez, Betemit and Jhonny aren't exactly Phil Hughes and Robbie Cano. I'm bumming most about Marquez leaving, and he's a midling prospect.

5. Sterling can trade, "YOU CAN BET ON BETEMIT!" for "ONE SWEET SWISH FROM SWISHER!"

6. We've been screaming for changes. This is a change.

7. He's 27. ("Scott Brosius?")

8. He's a switch-hitter. (Though at .219, swish-hitter is more appropriate.)

9. Maybe this is nothing more than a utility upgrade of Betemit, who obviously is not a realistic 2B-SS backup anymore. We can live with that.

10. We got a pitcher named Texiera. Who knows?

11. This is part of what George Bush would call a "strategerny." We can't judge this trade until the full remake has run its course.

AGAINST THE TRADE

1. It suggests we're not chasing Mark Teixiera. If Boston signs Teixiera, while we settle for Swisher, this will be our defining Johann Santana move for the 2008-09 off-season.

2. What are the odds of a team having two guys named Texiera? (What would be really crazy: If we next trade for an Ernie Sabathia and/or D.W. Burnett.)

Greens Honor Reds for Recycling

Insert Sidney Ponson joke here.