No to Manny, yes to luxury taxes; what LeMahieu means to an angry Yankiverse

Actually, Suzyn, you can predict baseball...

You can predict when Aaron Boone will remove his starting pitcher: One batter too late. You can project when Jacoby Ellsbury will return: When something freezes over. What you cannot predict, Suzyn, is Brian Cashman. And yesterday, once again, the Cooperstown-bound, future Hall of Famer defied a tsunami of Gammonitic prognostications and signed... drum roll, please... David John "DJ" LeMahieu, a player most Yankee fans had previously never heard of, much less discussed.

LeMahieu had been making $8.5 million a year in Denver, Colorado, which apparently has a baseball franchise. He'll earn $24 million over the next two in NYC. Fun facts: He has played in two all-star games and, statistically, through age 29, he translates into - gulp - Brian Roberts. He's the former Mr. Oriole, retrofitted into thin air.

Aside from the ice-water jolt of reality - the Yankees will not be signing Manny Machado - the "fully operational Death Star" magnitude of yesterday's move has yet to be understood. And if we consider what cannot be predicted - (hint, see above) - it may be pointless to try. What we do know is this: Cash gonna do what Cash gonna do... and God is a maniac. 

That understood, let's strap ourselves to the waterboard and try to figure this out. After a sleepless night, here are my best observations...

1. Manny won't be a Yankee... this year. Of course, he will someday appear in pinstripes. They all do. It could be six years from now, in the year 2025 - (if man is still alive, if woman can survive) - when he's hitting .220 and playing 1B/DH. By then, he'll be running out grounders, but it won't matter. The White Sox or Philly fans will be booing his name, face and haircut. (By the way, those are two particularly ornery fan bases, if you are old and blamed for sucking the franchise dry, so... good luck with that!) The team will trade him to the Yankees for a Gallegos and a Shreve, and our automated John Sterling - (they're doing wonders with artificial intelligence) - will be as ecstatic as a robot can be. Upon arrival, Manny will go on a nice little tear, lifting his average to .240, and then disappear. I only hope that, by then, they have medications that equal the "Calgon Beauty Bath, Take me away!" experience. I'm going to need it.

2. Something is fishy. I'll never understand the testicular dynamics between GMs and agents, but it seems as though Cashman considers himself one Viagra tablet shy of the Chrysler Building. To me, it's scandalous to think that the Yankees didn't even even make Machado a low-ball offer. You have the premier free agent in baseball, age 26, who wants to play in NYC, and his wife is practically your inside Paul Manafort... yet the Yankees apparently never even exchanged scribbled numbers on a cocktail napkin? WTF? Did they fear Manny would say yes? To me, it looks like ownership collusion, the kind that federal courts once viewed as dirty dealing. Ah, but that was a different court system and a different era. Still, the Yankees have had the chance to sign perhaps the two greatest free agents in history, or at least this decade, and they won't even play their cards. Yeah, something smells. 

3. Bryce is gone. With respect to the Iron Rule of Predictions - (hint, see above) - we should dismiss the fantasy that Cashman is poker posturing, using  Art of the Deal tactics to build his wall wheedle down Bryce Harper's asking price. It's over. He'll sign somewhere else. I personally see Harper as the perfect piece for a 2019 World Championship, but this is not The Voice, and there is no audience participation component. It's depressing: I've spent seven years believing Harper would be a Yankee, and I suspect Harper has done the same. Turns out, to become a Yankee, he will have to be old and dumpy, and platoon with Manny for the DH slot. By then, Miami players might be wearing hip-boots. Let's come to grips with it: The great Bryce Harper fantasy was just killed by someone named DJ LeMahieu.

4. Which brings me to The Hieu. My guess is he's is a fine player, solid handshake, credit to his home town, and the kind of infield utility man we might consider indispensable. Over the last 24 hours, I've read how he will spell Gleyber at second, Tulo at short, and Miggy at third - almost simultaneously - and how great his fielding is. And, yeah, we can use a golden glove. Last year, Gleyber Torres was statistically the worst fielding 2B in baseball, and Miguel Andujar was his counterpart at 3B. Now, we're going to sandwich them around a 34-year-old shortstop? Wow. So... yeah, I can see the need for a defensive specialist. 

But it seems to me, the 2019 Yankees have only one real hope: That Gleyber and Miggy improve defensively, in the way that young players do. If they sharpen their game, they become all stars, maybe destined for Monument Park. If they don't, well, will DJ LeMahieu save the day? I donno.  

5. We're back to spending. Okay, maybe I buried the lede. Yesterday's signing puts the Yankees about $15 million over the salary cap. No longer can they shrink back below it by trading Sonny Gray for a set of Leggos. Once you're over that payroll threshold, you're paying taxes. So, the question is: How far over the line will Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner go? I have a suspicion. Let's say Hal gives Cooperstown Cashman a target of $239 million - the budget that Boston spent last year. It's chickenfeed compared to total Yankee revenues (which produce the worst ballpark food in baseball.) If we have Boston's 2018 budget, Cash would still have about $20 million to spend this winter. That gets us a starting pitcher, or two bullpen arms, or a big LH bat that is not named Bryce. You can buy a lot with $20 million, if you know what you're doing. Which leads to another question...

6. This could be Twilight of Cashman's Epoch. Listen: The 2019 team will be entirely Cashman's creation, and if it flops, it will be time to face the consequences. No longer will he be able to mollify the Gammonites by blaming the owner's self-inflicted austerity. (Hal's priority last year was not to win the world series, but to get under the tax threshold.) If Hal spends his hard-inherited money, he'll expect results. No more excuses. If the Yanks spend Boston-level money, they better win. 

That said, you can't predict Cashman, Suzyn. Cash gonna do what Cash gonna do. I need some sleep.

On huge-spending day, Yankees add Hutchison, Lipka and LeMahieu

Excuse me while I kiss the sky...

Today, Yankee owner Hal Steinbrenner proudly signed: 

Second-baseman DJ LeMahieu, 30, who hits in Colorado, fields well and seldom strikes out.

Pitcher Drew Hutchison, 28, formerly of the Rangers, who has a career ERA of 5.10.

Outfielder Matt Lipka, 26, who hit .240 with 4 HRs last season for the AA Richmond Flying Squirrels.

This follows this week's signing of outfielder Billy Burns, 29, who hit .252 with 4 HRs last year for the Omaha Storm Chasers.

Revised Yankee Opening Day lineup:

Lipka RF
LeMahieu, 2B
Burns RFHicks CF
Tulowitzki SS
Bird DH
Andujar 3B
Romine C
McBroom 1B

Sabathia P

Try to contain yourselves.

DJ LeMahieu....Ladies and gentlemen, your 2019 New York Yankees!

You know, he's really not bad. In fact, he's kind of good. 

This one isn't stupid. Enjoy it while the feeling lasts.

Yankee Off-Season ( In Picture )...by B. Cashman, GM

This is a bowl of breakfast cereal, designed for children.

The round things use artificial dyes and plenty of sugar.

If the cereal sits in the bowl for more than a minute, it absorbs milk to the point of sinking.

It becomes soggy, tasteless and bad for your health and well being.

It is cheap and unimaginative.

It is what any dolt can buy off the shelf and present as useful.

Children may be deceived.

But not adults.

The Yankee first base situation is desperately unhinged

FACT: Yankee fans love love love Luke Voit. 

Why not? Last fall, he was a breath of fresh air, a joyous, lumbering, barbell-lifting, opposite-field-slugging, over-achieving first-baseman. He rid us of Chasen Shreve. He has that haircut. He's 6'3" and 225, an outside linebacker and enforcer in our next bean-ball war. Today - Jan. 11 - he's our crazy, amped-up, lead-footed lug nut at fur-space, right? 

So... why do I think he's toast? 

Let me count the reasons.

1. Luke bats RH, like everybody else in the lineup. That means LH Greg Bird, the Yankee Rasputin - (he cannot be killed) - gets one more chance to heat up in March and win the position, or at least a platoon shot. Problem is, I'm not sure the Yankees will keep two full-time 1B on the 25-man roster. If Bird hits in Tampa, Voit is toast. 

2. Luke is a lousy fielder, more a pass rusher than 1B, and the 2019 Yankees definitely will need a glove man. (See Mitch Moreland in Boston last year.) With Miguel Andujar, Troy Tulowitzki and Gleyber Torres throwing Frisbees to first, a fan-friendly lump simply will not cut it. If Bird shows a better glove in Tampa - almost a certainty - Voit is toast.

3. Luke will have a hard time repeating his golden Yankee September. In less than 150 plate appearances, he hit 14 HRs and .333. Those numbers topped his minor league career, suggesting the month was an anomaly. (In the post-season, he hit .235.) In 2019, pitchers will adjust. If that happens in Tampa, Voit is toast.

4. Virtually every free agent signing the Yankees might make - from the Victoria's Secret supermodel Manny Machado to the Filene's Basement checkout clerk Josh Harrison - would unleash a domino-drop that obliterates Luke's future. Many would move Andujar to 1B where - because Luke also bats RH - he would be toast.

5. The Yankees simply are not done. Right now, their fate seems to hinge on whether Troy Tulowitzki can play SS for at least four months. I do not believe for one minute that Cooperstown Cashman will gamble the season - and his own career - on Tulo's tenderized tendons.

In hitter-happy Colorado, Tulowitzi was once a great player. Now, at 34, having been hobbled for two seasons, it's bat-shit crazy to think Cash would balance an entire season on such a player. The Yankees need to win this year. If they flop, Boston waltzes to an AL East title and maybe another ring, and the hordes would come for Cashman's mustache. 

Tulo could be Comeback Player of the Year - or tweak a gonad on March 1 and disappear into the void. Cash hasn't lasted this long in the Yankee House of Cards by taking such chances. It doesn't matter what he says in public. He'll have a backup strategy beyond Tyler Wade.

We once thought it would be Machado or Bryce Harper (who increasingly makes sense.) But Hal Steinbrenner simply cannot afford such players. They cost too much, and Yankees absolutely must tighten their belts! Money doesn't grow on trees, people! Good grief, the Yankees last year couldn't even afford to serve edible food at the stadium. This year, we'll be lucky to have clean jerseys. 

Last year, when 3B was open, Cashman brought to spring training Brandon Drury, Ronald Torreyes (now a Twin), Danny Espinosa, Jace Peterson, Neil Walker, Gleyber and Miggy. This year, he'll search the recycling bins for fur-spacemen. If Andujar moves to 1B, or Gary Sanchez, or Giancarlo Stanton, or Tulo, or - jeeze - almost anywhere you look, Voit is toast. It's only a matter of time.

Yank fans pitching in to help a starving owner

There is so much wrong with this that I don't know where to start, except that...

I wish I'd thought of it.

Yankees Are Like Syria Now.......

The once proud nation of the Yankees used to do things for the good of the team.

Now, we destroy, we equivocate, we abandon and we lie.

Thee is no strategy for success.

Are we in or are we out?

The Yankees are now manipulated by outside forces.

Our leadership betrays itself.

We are influenced for monetary reasons.

 For reasons of gaining favorable publicity.

We leave our loyal fans isolated and wondering, " whose side are we on?"

Does the blue and white flag, with the interlocking NY, still fly in our camp?

Or do we have only ruin?

Are we leaving victory to others?

To the enemy?

What are we thinking?

This excruciating wait on Manny Machado has really gotten old

Tampa _ Responding to critics, Yankee owner Hal Steinbrenner yesterday emerged from his secretive inner sanctum to perform magic tricks with freshly minuted coins. 

In front of astonished reporters, Steinbrenner swallowed 10 pennies, along with castor oil, milk of magnesia and a quart of Fleet Phospho-Soda. Minutes later, to rousing cheers, he excreted the coins into a heated metal press, where they were remolded into shiny copper earrings displaying the renowned Yankee logo. Each pair was then auctioned off as a limited edition Steiner Collectible, starting at $1,000, with proceeds going to the Randy Levine Family Boat Fund Charity, named for the famous Yankee executive who was once considered for the Trump administration's White House Chief of Staff...

Okay, this is what happens when nothing happens. 

And that's where we've been now for nearly a month: Baseball's version of the government shutdown.

Today, the owners - led by Hal Steinbrenner - continue to squeeze pennies in their butts, while dear Manny Machado takes his good, sweet time in deciding where to play next year. T'was the week before Christmas when The Man toured NYC, Chicago and Philly (where he stood in the rain), and got to see his face plastered across stadium Jumbotrons, the new cheap way of glad-handing a self-indulgent star.

This happened about 10 days after Food Stamps Hal pulled out his pants pockets and said "No mas" in the bidding war over Patrick Corbin, the best free agent pitcher on the market. Hal didn't have the money because - well, we were told - there were other free agents out there. (Wink, wink. Cue the Manny footage on the Jumbotron.)

According to accounts today, the Yankees have never made Manny a formal offer, which - if you think about it - is not only damning from a management angle, but almost infuriating. They're not even low-balling the guy, because - what? - do they fear he wants to mollify his wife so badly that he might accept it? In which case they'd be stuck with one of baseball's best players for seven to ten years. Oh, no! can't have that!

What's clear is that MLB's ownership cartel has obliterated the once formidable players union. While it's hard to summon sympathy for Machado - who will wrangle $25-$30 million per season, wherever he goes - scrap heap veterans will scramble for peanuts. Meanwhile, the profits going to the owners - (see the chart in a previous post) - are literally soaring off the pages. How many pennies can Hal swallow? With money, the guy has become a Pac-Man. 

Listen: I still dunno what to do about Machado. He's a great player but a bad fit on the 2019 Yankees. (Bryce Harper, on the other hand, would electrify Gotham and terrorize Boston.) But it apparently doesn't matter. And if Hal continues to plead poverty in the face of unprecedented profits - and if there is a God - the Yankees shouldn't matter, either. They have one advantage - money from the strongest market in American sports. But will they use it? 

Increasingly, it looks like the answer is no. The Yankees will stand pat around the $200 million payroll mark, let the Dodgers and Redsocks outspend them, and chase another Wild Card. Hal will accept what has become the worst decade in Yankee history - yes, fewer world championships than the Horace Clarke 60's and the Matt Nokes '80s - the darkest periods in Yankee history. Our boy owner will turn out to be worse than CBS. But it doesn't matter. There is no God. Hal has a super power: He can eat money, then shit it out and sell it, as a profit. 

And this is how we pass the time, while Manny decides...

"Live, Tinkerbell, Live!"

Don't you miss the good old days, when the Yankees were run by a plain old raving maniac who fired people left and right, spent like crazy, brought a new superstar to town every year, and blamed all his many mistakes on "my baseball people"?

Like so much else in American life, the team of our adoration now seems to have become one more labyrinth of disinformations and weird media schemes.  

Joe F. was good enough to bring to our attention the latest plea from the Kremlin-on-the-Hudson to its fans:  "New York Yankees fans must keep the faith in Brian Cashman."

Okay.

The piece is by one Allison Case, who describes herself as an aspiring reporter from upstate, which already makes her all right in my book.

Ms. Case still seems to have a little ways to go when it comes to logic and sentence construction.  She credits Brian Cashman, for instance, with various moves that "make the team better," as in "Britton fills in the slot that David Robertson vacated when he went to Philly," and lauds our Coops for "all of these massive moves" over the years, beginning with his signing of David Justice in time for the 2000 playoffs.

He did indeed do that, though I have to say that I have limited appreciation left for Cashman deals that took place in the last year of the Clinton administration, and I can't quite see how re-signing one pitcher for slots formerly filled by two pitchers improves anything.  But never mind.

"Cashman may seem like a wizard, and in reality, he definitely is," Ms. Case tells us, and also: "We've had faith in him before and it has always paid off.  Why lose faith in him now?"

Why indeed?  

Again, I don't want to pick on Ms. Case, who seems like a genuinely good, enthusiastic person, and I wish her a wonderful career in journalism, during the ten minutes remaining to that profession.

But...we've always had faith in Brian Cashman and it's always paid off??

First, you might want to have faith in Almighty God if you believe it will save your immortal soul, and it's a good idea to have faith in, say, your spouse, at least until you have to start counting the silverware.  But in Brian Cashman?

You don't have faith in a general manager.  You think he's good or he's not good, and I'm of the understanding that Mr. Cashman, in fact, must have set some kind of record in North American sports for being GM of one team for which he did NOT provide the core of a single championship season.  

But even if that were not true, exactly how would us having faith in Coops "pay off?"

He is not some four-foot-eleven sub on the freshman basketball team that we all try to cheer like crazy when he comes in and dribbles the ball off his foot.  

He is, instead, the multi-millionaire executive of a phenomenally rich, professional baseball team, with a remarkable penchant for fobbing off his many failures on somebody else.  I suppose I can summon up a certain, cockeyed admiration for the sheer rascality of that "skill." But faith?

Faith's got nothing to do with it.  Brian Cashman could not care less if anyone this side of Hal Steinbrenner has faith in him.  Even if he did care, our faith would not alter the objective reality of his ability one iota.  (JuJu, which of course is very, very real, applies only to players.)

I don't know what to say—except to ask, as Joe F. does, why we are seeing this sort of blather now?  What Yankees mole running "Elite Sports" needs us to "have faith" in Brian Cashman, as if he were the flickering light of Tinkerbell at some Sunday afternoon Playhouse for Tots production of Peter Pan?

I think this bodes no well.  It strikes me as the vanguard of an all-out propaganda campaign designed to make us fans shut up, sit back, and count our blessings.  I think it's one more in a growing mosaic of signs that Bryce ain't comin', Manny ain't comin', and we need to all just take our meds, and get in the mood for another season of "Dare to Take a Called Third Strike."

All right, then, I guess:  "Live, Brian, live!" 

A wiz you iz.

Behold: The shame of the Yankees in one easy chart

Yankee annual revenues in dark blue;
Yankee annual team payrolls in light blue.

This scandalous chart - a graphic depiction of evil - has been making the rounds lately on Reddit. 

It compares annual Yankee franchise revenues (dark blue) to the team's payroll (light blue.) The revenue figures come from Forbes, the payroll numbers from Cots Baseball Contracts. These are not made-up numbers. Look, look, LOOK, DAMMIT... as revenue is skyrocketing, payroll is actually shrinking.  In one agonizing illustration, we are presented with the crushing reality of the modern New York Yankees: 

Our owner doesn't give a fuck about winning. 

Read it and weep... or better, seethe. As you can see, the Yankee ownership - which not all that long ago regularly directed 75 percent of team revenues toward player salaries - today allocates about 33 percent to the on-field hired servants. The rest lines the greasy, gold-threaded pockets of the Steinbrenner family/cartel. 

By the way, this chart ignores the 20 percent interest Hal Steinbrenner owns in the YES Network, which is believed to have a net worth greater than the Yankees. Hal is partnering with Sinclair Broadcasting (the Fox News of local TV) in an attempt to buy controlling interest in the network. The family's wealth, already boundless, just continues to grow. Remember that when you by an Aaron Judge fake jersey for $150.

This chart should make every Yankee fan vomit into a bucket, drive to Yankee Stadium, and pour the contents onto the turnstiles. This is an ownership model worthy of Vladimir Putin or some South American dictator, designed for no other purpose than to siphon money from the working class. Are the Steinbrenners going to live on an island? The Yankees gouge on everything they sell, from season tickets to paperweights, and yet the owner has the audacity to poor-mouth in public, telling us the team won't take part in free agent auctions, because the prices are too high. And the mainstream media, for the most part, recycles these well varnished turds without even a wince.

Since this came from Reddit, I want to give the author - "u/constant_gardner11"  -a few words.

Let’s say for the sake of debate, that the Yankees earned $630 million in revenue in 2018. It’s likely to be much higher than that, but let’s use that number. Here’s where their payroll would have been if they increased the percent of revenue spent on players. NYY payroll would be at $252 million at 40 percent, $315 million at 50 percent, and $378 million at 60 percent. You could add Harper ($30m AAV), Machado ($30m AAV), Corbin ($25m AAV), Robertson ($12m AAV), Britton ($12m AAV), and Lowrie ($12m AAV), for example, and stillspend less than 45 percent of revenue on player payroll.

Listen: Nobody is saying the Yankees should buy every free agent in captivity (and disregard their farm system, a counter-productive plan)... but as Boston chases its second straight world championship, this organization seems to think it can hoodwink the fans by claiming its cupboard is bare. That must not happen.

Okay, okay... we still don't know how this winter will progress. Maybe the Yankees are shrewdly lying in wait, preparing to pounce on - say - Bryce Harper or Manny Machado, or the cast of Glee. We'll see. But increasingly, such notions feel like wishful thinking. Sometimes, when everybody says it's raining, it's actually raining. More than ever, Food Stamps Hal must be held accountable for his spending policies. The question no longer can be, who's pitching tonight? Yankee fans everywhere need to start asking... Where is the money going? 

This Machado-Harper Soap Opera......an endless tale of "will he or won't he, and where?"

The drama of who will accept $300 million from whom is wearing me out.

It is the soap opera supreme.

Why focus on anything meaningful, when we can be distracted by this hype and folly?

Instead of a lucrative baseball contract, let's just write a new soap for daytime TV with Manny and Bryce co-stars.

In no time, they will make more than they could on the diamond.

And their supporting cast will smell much better.

I am wrung with boredom and disinterest.

I will hate seeing either of these faux humans forever.

Baseball is ruined.

Can't the world just stop paying attention?

Until it appears as the next P&G sponsored daytime Soap Opera, please;  no one speak or write of Manny or Bryce in any capacity.

 Ever again.

Machado said to be "too pricey" for the Yankees

I've already blathered my fill on whether the Yankees should sign Manny Machado. I've drummed-up the drivel of 10 wild fans, spun the spittle of a bleacher bum brigade, ginned-up the jism of a hundred Gammonites... and, damn... I still don't know, I just don't know...

He's the best free agent on the market; he's young; he can play SS or 3B; he'll have a chip on his shoulder about the hustling thing; he wants NYC; he hates the Redsocks; he's 30 HRs and 100 RBIs per season; he bats third; he's not afraid to spike people, yeah!... but but but... we need Didi at SS; I prefer Miguel Dimaggio at 3B; we're overloaded with righty bats; we've got Troy Tulowitzki in the mix; maybe this hustling thing is worser than we think; and - damn - if we're going to sign anybody, Bryce Harper is the best fit; jeez, can't everybody see that? Are we really going with Gardy in left? Hummina-hummina-hummina...

One of these days, Machado will announce his decision, and I still won't know whether to celebrate or fling myself into the briny sludge of Onondaga Lake. 

But here's the rub: Already, the Yankees are getting away with the great billionaire's crime against humanity: Poor-mouthing. They are pointing to Machado's price tag, pulling out their pockets and rattling their tin cup. A month ago, $300 million over 10 years was way too much, just terrible, an impossible figure to fathom, oh dear! Why, we might consider him at less a price, but nobody should be making $30 million for that long a duration. Mercy me! 

Now, they're pleading poverty over much less. Writes Wallace Matthews in today's Daily News:

Sources within the Yankees organization tell me the expected range for a Machado deal will be between $220 million and $270 million, probably for no more than seven years, and there is no guarantee the Yankees will be in if the numbers wind up in the upper half of that range. And the Yankees signing of Troy Tulowitzki last week seems like an insurance policy in case they decide to bow out on Manny.

Forgive me. I feel like a broken record. But I live by one rule: Whenever the Yankees' scream about money, I give them a nice, 3,000-watt verbal jolt.

Listen: They have the money. They have the money 100 times over. If you are rounding up or down, the Yankees' money supply is closer to infinity than absolute zero. 

Right now, the Yankees fall about $3 million over the luxury tax threshold for 2019. Considering that they reset their tax rate last season by falling below the cap, they will pay less in revenue sharing next year. There is no excuse for this franchise to be outspent by the Dodgers and Boston to the tune of $30 million. No excuse. None. Where is my cattle prod?

Now... it's possible that the Yankees are simply posturing, trying to squeeze a few thin dimes out of the process. That is how rich men get richer. And until Machado signs, making Harper the new alpha dog, we won't really know. 

But there is no reason why the Yankees should balk at these price tags, without being condemned for cheapness. They say Machado's wife wants him to play in NYC. They say Harper grew up dreaming of playing for the Yankees. Jeez... you'd think anybody with an ounce of salesmanship could seal both of those deals in one New York minute. The Yankees are simply being cheap. On that matter, I shall never run out of spite or spittle. Hawwwwwwwwk-pttuui!

This Offseason Hasn't Been Fun ... But This Movie Is

This film clip is taken from Harold Lloyd's 1928 movie "Speedy".  I had never seen it before.

The five-minute clip features none other than Babe Ruth hailing Lloyd's taxi for a ride up to to Yankee Stadium.

Some fun highlights:

• Babe Ruth's face at 2:32 absolutely killed me.
  
  
• Lou Gehrig appears on the screen for a few seconds!  As Ruth exits the taxi right around 3:10, Gehrig looks through the window at the camera.

Please be sure to play it in full-screen mode as I think it accentuates all that's happening on the screen.  Some scenes are clearly filmed with everything moving slowly and then played back at a faster rate of speed to simulate frenetic movement.  Others, however, seem to be elaborately staged sight gags that appear to be as dangerous as they look.  I think the horse & carriage scene is actually real and, if I'm right, it's downright horrifying.

Almost as horrifying and prone to slapstick as our 2019 starting rotation...

Enjoy.

Let's be happy for a change: The Yankee bullpen should be crackling in 2019

The 2018 Yankee season ended with Gleyber Torres almost beating out an infield tapper, moments after Gary Sanchez almost launched a three-run homer, a short time after Giancarlo Stanton twirled at three pitches that were almost on the Eastern Seaboard. Hell, they almost won Game Four against the best team money could buy.

Trouble is, all the "almosts" added together would have only meant a return trip to Boston, where, presumably, Aroldis Chapman and the rest of the Yankee bullpen would have been called upon to hold a lead. 

The inconsistency of Chapman and Dellin Betances - the Yankee stoppers - left a troubling stain on 2018, and it's surely why the Yankees recently signed Zach Britton. It's also why they are said to be talking with Adam Ottavino - a RH reliever, whom the Redsocks also are targeting. (Boston let Craig Kimbrell and Joe Kelly walk out the door. They'll surely sign somebody, and Ottavino is said to be the best arm on the market, so things could get dicey.) 

I cannot help but feel queasy about Boston's quiet winter. Last year, they waited and waited while NYC celebrated the arrival of Giancarlo Stanton, then signed the far superior JD Martinez. They are desperately trying to trade Jackie Bradely Jr., which would leave an OF opening, and we should never forget the so-called "mystery teams" said to still be in the running for Bryce Harper. The Yankees better not turn their backs in self-congratulation over Zach Britton.

But wait... this is about the bullpen, so let's stick to the basics...

Right now, here's our staff of First Responders:

El Chapo: Closer by default, though his knee his barking, and he increasingly looks like a Cano contract bomb waiting to detonate. We have him for three long years, and the reality is, it's probably one season too far. (Then again, it's only money; we must never forget that the Yankees have an endless supply.)

Betances: At times last year, he seemed on the verge of certifiable "headcase" status. He'd walk the first batter on four pitches, and it would roll downhill from there. In the post-season, he killed. Soon, he will go to arbitration and probably double his $5.1 million salary. Next winter, he'll become a free agent. Who knows what affect a "contract year" will have? But when he's "on," like El Chapo, he's flat-out unhittable. A ten-pitch inning. (They usually foul one off.)

Britton: Could easily become the de facto stopper. He doesn't terrorize opposing batters, but an inning can go quickly. He's a ground ball machine, though with a potentially porous infield - Miggy, Tulo, Gleyber, Voit. By the ninth, we'll probably see defensive replacements. Can the Yankees afford to disappear their bats in the seventh? Not sure. The smart thing would be for Britton to pitch later in games.

Mean Chad Green: Last year, he threw more innings (75) than any other Yankee bullpen lug nut, with a 2.50 ERA - second lowest on the staff (behind Chapman's 2.45.) He'll be 28 this year and makes nearly the MLB minimum. If he stays healthy, he is the best thing we have going. Print this out: Kudos to Cooperstown Cashman for trading Justin Wilson for Green and Cessa. It was a great deal.

Jonathan Holder: The Holder of Holds. He's 26 and broke out last year with a 3.41 ERA. Another reason for hope. If he becomes the next Mean Chad, we will have the best bullpen in baseball.

Tommy Kahnle: At 29, a complete reclamation project. He was awful last year. Either he turns it around, or he's done. Who knows? Frankly, he doesn't even deserve prominent mention here, but you never know.

Domingo German, Luis Cessa & Chance Adams: From the Scranton Biz-Bag, each is a marginal starter, whom the Yankees chose to keep over AJ Cole (jettisoned to make room for Britton.) Of the group, Adams is still young - 23. The others are reaching mid-20s - which is either their peak or their sell-by date, your choice. But one could emerge.

The bootless and unhorsed, well hyped "depth" of the farm system. This has been a constant drumbeat in recent months: The strength of the Yankee system is the wave of power arms, mostly in the obscure levels of the ocean. Of this group, Jonathan Loaisiga gets the most ink. He's 23. And for LOOGY fans, there is Stephen Tarpley, 25. After that, they are lottery tickets, and as you study the roster, you must remember all the pitchers - Dillon Tate, Cody Carroll, Josh Rogers, et al - that were traded last summer for the Wild Card run.  

This looks like a solid group, and - frankly - it better be. Last spring, the Yankee outfield looked completely overstocked... and then, in August, we went three weeks with Shane Robinson in RF. Injuries are cruel, and a Yankee spring tradition is the annual announcement that some great young hope is heading to meet Tommy John. We can also expect a "breakout" arm. But everything will hinge on El Chapo and Dellin. 

The Yankee rotation has no stud starter capable of regularly pitching into the eighth. We need arms. We need eaters of innings. Ottavino would help - he's a New York native - though Food Stamps Hal doesn't like bidding wars. You can never have enough pitching - everybody knows that - but the Yankees almost have the best bullpen in baseball. Shit. That word again. 

Almost doesn't win you a ring. Almost gets you a wild card. Come on, Hal... one more arm. One. More. Arm.

With the signing of Zach Britton, the Yankees are slightly above the luxury tax threshold; will they stay there?

Last night, the Yankees announced that bullpen lug nut Zach Britton will stay in Pinstripes for at least the next two years. In a thumb-sucker of a deal, he'll make $13 million per season and - if the Yankees push the button - could stay through 2022. (If they don't invoke their option, he becomes a free agent after two seasons. Jeeze, who wrote this deal, MC Escher?)

According to the scribbled numbers on my gin-soaked cocktail napkin, this puts the Yankees about $4 million over the MLB's de facto payroll cap - (pretty much the same cap that a players union once went on strike to defeat.) But they could slither back underneath it by trading Sonny Gray for a handful of magic beans. 

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... we have reached the hallowed gates of Levittown. 

We will soon know if owner Hal "Food Stamps" Steinbrenner intends to pull over and settle here, or step on the gas pedal and start acting like the New York fucking Yankees. 

Will Hal keep his roster below the MLB luxury tax threshold, and basically field the same team that won last year's Wild Card? Or will he do what the Yankees used to do - and intimated they would do for the last two years - which is use their self-imposed austerity to sign a top free agent, such as Manny Machado, Bryce Harper or Dallas Keuchel? 

Folks, we are about to gaze directly into the soul of the franchise, as it will probably exist for the rest of our lifetimes. (Yankee owner, like the U.S. Supreme Court, seems to be a lifetime appointment.) Above all else, does Hal want to win, or does he want to make more money? Of course, he'll claim to want both - but his words ring hollow when the Redsocks outspend us by $30 million. 

Even with Britton - a nice addition, overall - the 2019 Yankees have major issues. They need another starting pitcher. They need a LH bat. And, as a commentator recently noted on this site, considering Troy Tulowitzi's age, (34) an infield of Andujar, Tulo, Gleyber and Voit might just be the worst fielding infield in Yankee history. 

So, they can buy a free agent with their nearly endless supply of money. Or they can trade Miguel Andujar - their best 3B prospect since Mike Lowell, (and we know how that turned out) - and pull from what is a very finite pool of talent. 

It's simple: Spend the money, which you have... or trade the prospects, which are thinning out.  

I get it that Hal doesn't want another Jacoby Ellsbury. Nobody does. And if Bryce and Manny insist on Cano-esque, 100-year deals - well - fuck'em. But Boston has been quiet recently - too quiet. One of these days, they will splurge on a replacement for Craig Kimbrel, or maybe something much more frightening. Their owner has made his intentions clear: Winning is the object, and they are working toward a dynasty. 

Today, with the exception of Andrew McCutcheon in LF and David Robertson in the bullpen, the Yankees basically have reassembled last year's Wild Card team. (James Paxton remains his own wild card, of sorts, but losing Justus Sheffield is not nuthin'.) The question is: Will Hal settle for second place in these free agent auctions... and second place in the AL East? We will soon know the answer, and it might not be pretty.

Unearthed... the Steinbrenner Stratagem

This from today's comments section, by Doug K (responding to Old Yankee Daddy Roger), refers to the Yankees' pursuit of free agents, while they also try to buy the YES Network:

"This isn't about HAL being cheap. This is about HAL driving down the price. 

"Think about it... Let's say you were a co-owner of a house valued at one million dollars and you wanted to buy your other co-owner out for $500,000. Do you invest money, putting in an indoor pool (Machado, Harper) making the house worth 1.5 mil? No you don't. 

"You don't INCREASE the value of something BEFORE you buy it. Remember we are not talking about the value of the team. It's the value of the network that shows the team. Not getting these guys equals lower ratings. Lower ratings equals lower value. Lower value equals lower price.

"We are truly screwed!"

Comrades, we just cracked this thing wide open. 

THIS IS WHY THE YANKEES ARE GOING TO SIT ON THE HANDS AND LET THE BIG NAME FREE AGENTS SIGN ELSEWHERE.

The reality is becoming clear: Under "Wild Card" Hal, the Yankees are going cheap

"Kevin Youkilis and Travis Hafner can't wait to get the season started..."

Listen: I'm not down on Troy Tulowitzki. This is not his fault. In fact, maybe he'll mount a comeback in 2019 and solve the Yankees' open wound at SS. I wish him well. What a great story!

Trouble is... when I look at Tulo, all I see is Youk. 

And here's the crusher: When the Yankees look at Tulo, my guess is that all they see is $550,000.

That's what they'll pay him. That's why they'll pay him. Facing the largest auction of free agent talent in memory, the Yankees will go with the cheapest SS in the game. Minimum wage. 

My friends, the reality is becoming clear: 

The 2019 Yankees intend to go cheapo.

It means no Manny, no Bryce, no Dallas - maybe not even Zach Britton, if those big-spending Nats and Phillies get involved. Hal Steinbrenner spent the last two years winking to his fan base that, by shrinking payroll, the Yankees would escape luxury taxes and lead the 2019 free agent gold rush. Now, he's self-imposing an austerity program. Why? Because they can. He's "Next Year" Hal, always in second, always chasing that Wild Card. Maybe next year, folks! 

Hal sits in a deck chair atop a mountain of money, having inherited the most lucrative franchise in U.S. sports, along with a 90-year tradition of dominance. And he'd rather be popular with his fellow owners than spend on a championship team. Maybe next year, suckers! 

Today, the Yankees claim - almost ludicrously - that they are still in the bidding for Manny Machado. But they haven't made him an offer. Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman says the team is now committed to Tulowitzki at SS. That would push Machado to 3B and Miguel Andujar out the door. To say this doesn't affect their proposals is crazy. It's given Hal a huge excuse - he always seems to find one, doesn't he? - to back away and let Machado go elsewhere, as they have already done with Bryce Harper.

Which brings me to Kevin Youkiilis, who became a Yankee in the winter of 2013, with similar front office self-congratulations. Youk would play 3B, settle the infield and bring power to the lineup. With Travis Hafner and Lyle Overbay - and later, Vernon Wells - the Yankees would field a lineup of former all-stars! It was raining hope in Tampa.

Youk - at age 34 - played 28 games for the Yankees. He hit .219 with 2 HRs and turned out to be one of the greatest jokes the Redsocks ever played on us. 

Listen: If the Yankees have learned anything from the last 10 years, it ought to be that baseball is a young man's game. A 34-year-old SS is not going to cut it. 

Write this down. Here's what will happen: Tulo will look great in spring training, way ahead of everyone else. The Yankees will tout him as the steal of the winter. On opening day, he'll get a standing o. In the month of April, he'll hit .280. Then he'll tweak something. He'll miss a month. We'll play Dopey Dildox. Tulo will return, go into a slump, then tweak something. We'll play Dopey Dildox. 

Jayson Nix. Brendan Ryan. Brett Lillibridge. Reid Brignac. Alberto Gonzalez. David Adams. Eduardo Nunez. Luis Cruz. Chris Nelson... that's who played 3B for us in 2013. 

But here's the deal: It doesn't matter. Because after Tulo goes down, on every level of Yankeeganda - from the Gammonites to the YES Men to the secret front office "sources" - they'll never cease to remind us that the Yankees are paying next to nothing for the cagey, soon-to-heal veteran. Didi will always be on the verge of coming back, and maybe Machado or Harper will tweak a gonad and miss a few weeks - we'll certainly be reminded of how lucky we were to not get involved. And, hey! if the Yankees can stay below the 2020 luxury tax threshold, there should be some big name free agents out there next winter! Wouldn't Mike Trout look good in a Yankee uniform? Holy crap! Did someone say Curtis Granderson might be available?

The Pale Hose Make An Offer

Supposedly $300 million for ten years.

Yanks are not interested.

So, moving on to Bryce...

Can Yusei Kikuchi?

The Yankees' management can't.  About the best they can do is "Shipoopi."

Another day, another free agent who might have helped us, signed with another team.

I'm surprised we haven't gone after Buddy Hackett.  He probably runs better than Troy.

As he heads to Philly, the Daily News takes a nasty swipe at David Robertson

Among the working stiffs of the Yankiverse, it's hard to find haters of David Robertson. The guy grew up a Yankee. He studied under Mariano. He runs a well respected charity. He's plied his craft through two Bronx incarnations, through thick and thin. And if he signed with Philly yesterday, well, it's because that city is mortgaging the Liberty Bell for 2019. You can't blame Robby for - at age 33 - chasing the last big contract of his career. Besides, the Yankees have the money to keep him. They chose not to open their wallet. That's baseball. That's business. That's China Town, Jake. 

Apparently, though, some Klingons in the front office do not like Robby, as evidenced by a bizarre hit job in today's Daily News. In it, Wallace Matthews takes some parting shots at Houdini, based on a source within the brain trust. Of yesterday's signing, the Gammonite writes:

It was a great day for the Yankees, who rid themselves of a player some in their clubhouse had come to regard as a negative presence.

Huh? Negative presence? Robby? Okay, you might remember a mini-controversy after the playoffs, when the team voted to dole out postseason bonuses. Supposedly, it jettisoned peripheral players and employees, pissing off a few lug nuts. Robertson, as the team's union rep, oversaw the crime. Writes Matthews:


The Yankees no longer have to deal with a player rep who made more than a few enemies when it came time to divvy up the postseason money in November, a man who many tell me seemed like a different person after returning to the Yankees from the White Sox last year, and a teammate who was especially disliked by some of the younger players in the Yankees clubhouse.

Huh? Disliked? Robby? I don't know what to make of this. I'm sure Matthews talked with someone; a writer doesn't make that stuff up. And I can't judge the team's decision on doling out its money, but I'm sure a vote was taken. Still, I think there are some interesting aspects to this.

1. The front office just got rid of the team's union's rep. That's got to be a thankless job, and my guess is that Robby took it seriously. That probably put him in the cross-hairs of management, and Yankees - with their bans of facial hair - don't like to be challenged by the help. Good luck to the next team rep. Instead of a number on his back, he'll be wearing a bull's eye. 

2. The front office just got rid of a player who - instead of being represented by an agent - was personally negotiating his next contract. I don't know the dynamics between GMs and sports agents, but my guess is that there is more than enough acrimony to go around. Robby, by representing himself, surely pissed off somebody in management who would have preferred a professional negotiator, cut from the same MBA cloth, someone who knows the right fork to use on lobster.

3. It's delicious, wondrous irony that the front office chooses to rip a player for being cheap. Wow. This is a brain trust that watched Boston spend $40 million more on talent last year, cruising to a championship, while the Yankees squeezed thin dimes to escape paying luxury taxes. And now, they're whacking Robertson for being tight with the purse strings? That's a good one. 

There's one more clue here. Matthews writes:

Robertson talked himself off the team by stiffing the traveling secretary, the clubhouse kids and other “low-level team employees’’ in that infamous playoff share meeting, 

So there it is. The traveling secretary. Yep. That'll piss off the suits. One of their own got ditched. 

Listen: I'm not saying Robby was right or wrong in doling out the bonuses. You hate to think of "low-level team employees" getting stiffed. But it's a team vote, we weren't there, and my guess is there were other dynamics involved. It's just weird to see the Yankees anonymously ripping a respected veteran player on his way out the door.

The upshot of Matthews' article is that the Yankees, rather than chasing Robertson, have honed in on Zach Britton for the bullpen. And frankly, I think Britton - at age 31 - is a better bet than Robby. But if I were Britton, I'd read the Daily News carefully today, because of all the loaded messages in the column, one comes out most clearly: Rile the front office, and this can be you.

Houdini Vanishes

Robertson off to the Phillies. He will be missed.

Houdini gave us many great innings over the years, not least in the none-too-soon-to-be-repeated, 2009 championship year. I guess the best that can be said for this now is that he didn't sign with Forces of Mordor up in Beantown.

This is what we're reduced to: 'Hey, one of our favorite players left, but at least he didn't sign with our hated rival!'

I repeat:  WORST. OFF-SEASON. EVER.

Tulo Blazes To 8.2 Forty On Grass ( no, he was not running backwards )

Tulo ( above ) takes a contemplative look at the "flash board," which recorded his latest forty yard dash time in Tampa ( 8.2 seconds).

He used to run a 4.4 forty but the aging process has seized up his muscles. That youthful "burst" has turned into a " slow seep."

Maybe he should have run in cleats instead of high top sneakers and cammo pants.

His range is down to about 1.5 feet going left, and 1.2 feet going to the right.

So he purchased a longer glove.  " I call it the banana," says the newest Yankee shortstop.

When he shaves off the facial hair, he will look younger , he says.  And it might add speed.

The purpose of the over-sized hat is to make him look sleeker and more fit.

" When I get in shape, I lose weight from the head down, " he mentioned.

Slow and old.  Slow and old.

Defensive upgrades; this is not.

Nice work Brian.

Spring Training Doesn't Start For A Long Time....

So what's the worry about Machado and Harper?

I don't think they intend to participate in the workouts anyway.

They will show up via Rolls Royce and walk the red carpet for any at bats scheduled for them.

Do you really think they are going to break a sweat running laps or sprints?

Do you think they will work on their bunting skills?

Or how to hit against the shift?

These guys will spend more time at the mani-pedi parlor than in the dugout.

The best thing that can happen is for both of these former baseball players to ignore the offers from major league baseball teams.

Seriously, what young kid who loves the game wants to be near them?

They inspire greed and apathy. Not hustle and heart.

They depict the end of baseball as we knew it.

Here is my idea;  let them be appointed to the US Senate.

No election needed.

They have all the money in the world and no incentive to do anything that involves work.

They can go out to lunch and say meaningless phrases into microphones.

And get back into the Rolls Royce.

Okay, Mr. Machado, it's time to make the call

Dear Manny,

Ahem...

Uh... sir? Any time now?

I mean, as you can see, we're all kneeling, holding the supplicant pose. It's getting a little painful on the knees, but - hey - no complaints!

That said, if you're waiting for us to give a signal or something, feel free to speak up. Don't wait on us. Any time...

Uh, but if you don't mind, sir, may I ask a question? 

At this stage, what the fuck is going to change your fucking mind about your fucking future team?

Jeez-Louise... you've visited the cities, tried on the hats, flushed the toilets, studied the money and polled your entourage. You've been wined and dined, praised and pimped, had your image projected onto the Jumbo-trons and parked in the special spaces. What else is there? What the fuck are you waiting for? 

With all due respect... sir... it's time to call the cards. If you don't know by now, dear God, will you ever? It's time to tell the world who Manny Machado is. Do you want money? If so, Chicago and Philadelphia seem poised to write the biggest check. If you want old-line mystique, the Yankees are here. If you want to play for the best team in baseball, the Redsocks will answer the phone. Whatever. It's time to jump in the pool. 

Nothing will happen today that will change your mind tomorrow. 

As for me, I sort of hope you choose the Yankees. But if not, we will survive. There is a bigger question in the Yankiverse than who is Manny Machado? Our main question is, who is our owner?

Hal Steinbrenner spent all of 2018 stressing the need to stay below the MLB salary cap/tax threshold because of the incredible "free agent class of 2019." The Yankees didn't even budge at the trade deadline, because the owner kept the payroll below the tax limit. All season, the implication was simple: The Yankees would hold the line in 2018 so they could spend this winter. 

And now... what? Well, Patrick Corbin - raised a Yankee fan, who spent last year suggesting the Bronx would be his next home - came and went. The Yankees wouldn't budge. Thus far, the sum of Yankee extravagance has been to re-sign (for peanuts) CC Sabathia and Brett Gardner, and pull in J.A. Happ on a two-year. 

Now, it's time for us to learn who the fuck our owner is. 

So... the time has come. They're chanting your name at the podium. Walk the walk. We need to know.

I just wanna say...

... if the Yankees don't sign either Manny Machado or Bryce Harper, I will feel as though the last two years were a scam by the ownership. 

Holy crap: A cheapo Tulo! WTF? Should we post the tsunami warning?

A great philosopher once said, You can't predict baseball, Suzyn. And once again, Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman has proven that all Yankee trade speculation is pointless: Within the boundless chaos of this eternal Yankiverse, let us know the one sacred truth: 

Our only certainty is uncertainty.  

By now, you probably know the Yankees late yesterday rescued 34-year-old Troy Tulowitzski from the scrap heap, signing him to a one-year deal for a meager $550,000, the MLB equivalent of a trip to McDonalds. Like everything these days about the Yankees, it's almost impossible to assign meaning to the move.

Does it signal the front office has secretly moved on from Manny Machado, that Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner intends to go cheap on spending, and continue to read menus from right to left? Or is this merely a one-off, low-budget wager, a Neil Walker replacement at a factory outlet price? 

We spent the holidays waiting on Machado, thinking that nothing would happen until he decides his future. Suddenly, kaboom - Tulowitzki lands like a rock from outer space that NASA never even tracked. A tsunami warning is now in effect.

Truth be told, we cannot process the implications of this deal until the winter has ended. But there are factoids to ponder:

1. Tulo didn't play a down in 2018, and he hasn't been worth a plumber's fart since 2016 - three seasons out - when he dinged 24 HRs for Toronto (back when Toronto was actually good.) Tulo is five years removed from his glory days in the hitter haven of Colorado, when he seemed to put up future Hall of Fame numbers. Last time he played regularly - 2017 - he hit .249 over 66 games, and he covered shortstop like a statue of Martha Raye.

2. If this deal should remind us of anything, it should summon up recollections of Vernon Wells, Kevin Youkilis and Alfonso Soriano - desperate former stars seeking magical comebacks in the NYC limelight. It's hard to imagine Cashman attempting to balance 2019 on Tulo's aging limbs. Think of it this way: We just signed the Blue Jays' version of Jacoby Ellsbury. So how much significance should we give this?

3. Interest in Tulo stems from a recent public tryout, where he ran the bases, took some grounders and hit in front of scouts. (Next comes the stool sample.) But the audition raised one tricky point: Tulowitzki made it clear that he wants to start at one position for his next team. Apparently, Cashman must have signaled that, yes, Tulowitzki would get a shot at SS, at least until Didi Gregorius returns in July-August (and let's face it, Didi will face a tough road back, having missed spring training.) So, did the Yankees promise Tulo a crack at SS? And if so... well, I speak for the Yankiverse in saying, OMFG!

Does this mean Manny Machado is not coming... and that he was never really in the mix? Apparently, Philadelphia and the White Sox have offered more money, and even if he prefers NYC, he'll take the cash, thank you. Who can blame him? 

Does it mean "Halligator Arms" Hal plans to be a nice, polite, thrifty, small market owner and not overpay the help? Will the Yankees pass on Machado and Bryce Harper - let the Redsocks once again outspend them by $30 million - and squeeze each dime until FDR squeals in pain from his wheelchair?   

Is Tulo simply a cheap night out that fell into their laps? Or are they pinching pennies on all big free agents? 

And what if - say, tomorrow - Machado says he wants to play for the Yankees? Does Tulo mean that Miguel Andujar will be traded? Jeeze. A cheap, $550,000 rock just fell out of the sky and pardon me, if I'm heading to higher ground until the floors stop shaking. Does anyone have a bucket of ice-water? I need to soak my head for a while.

Umm...What?

Yanks are signing Troy Tulowitzki.  WTF?

I don't even get this one.  In order to pressure Manny?  Not bloody likely.

I just don't get it.

Gonna be a strange year.

Happy 2019 Everyone !

Except Boston lovers.

Things have to be better this yer.

They have to.

So why is that spoon in the champagne glass?

And there appears to be a berry missing in the glass on the left.

Life's mysteries.

Dear Mr. Steinbrenner: It's time to make it rain

Dear Hal,

Remember the scene in JAWS where Roy Schieder catches his first glimpse of the great white shark, and starts yelling, "We need a bigger boat! We need a bigger boat!" That's us. That's the Yankees. Last year, we went toe-to-toe with the monster and were devoured. 

We need a bigger boat.

We need the long dormant Yankee God of Unchecked Exorbitance to reawaken, to darken skies across the AL East and spew a molten rain of gold from the wildfires of California to the flooded cities of Florida. We need to make a statement: The Yankees are alive. 

We need to buy Manny Machado, Bryce Harper, Dallas Keuchel and Zach Britton. Make no mistake: We need all four. All. Four. Now.

We do this, we win. Understand? It's that simple. Sign them, we win.

You have the money. Don't you dare poor-mouth us. You can make this happen on a cocktail napkin. You have the money. You have the brand name. You have a team that players want to join in a city where they want to play. Sign them, and you will be guaranteed 300 tabloid back pages next year. Sign them - Machado, Harper, Keuchel and Britton - and you won't be held for ransom at the August 1 trade deadline. Sign them, and instead of desperately draining the farm system in mid-July - once again - you will rebuild the Yankees from the ground up, as you have often claimed is your goal. 

Listen: One or two could be a dud. But all they cost is money. You have the money! What you don't have is a farm system. We cannot trade our way to the 2019 World Series, or to a team of multiple championships. 

Show us that you've simply been playing possum, pretending to stay cheap. Spend the money. You'll recoup everything with higher YES Network ratings. You will own New York. You will dominate the game of baseball. You will make the Yankees once again the team to beat. If you spend the money, you cannot lose. 

Machado. Harper. Keuchel. Britton. 

Spend the money. We need a bigger boat.