It is time for my fearless 2010 predictions

OK, I'm on a limb here, but fuck, its time to buck up and predict the season ahead.

Sooooooooo...

1. We'll make the playoffs, but we won't like what we see. We'll build a cakewalk lead and then practically blow it. We'll stumble and nearly fall apart at the end. But we'll have too much talent, too many good players to fail.

2. Tampa will give us the only real competition. They might win the AL East. Nobody will care, because Boston will be out of it. Why do I know this? Because they stupidly signed Mike Cameron. Thank God they signed Mike Cameron. They also have Mike Lowell, who is done, and Jacoby Ellsbury, who has no heart. If they lose Youkilis, they won't even be close to us. But I wish we signed John Lackey instead of trading for Javier Vazquez.

3. Javier Vazquez. He's a nice guy. That's all you can say. Why are we bringing him back? Because we didn't give up much to get him? Not a good enough reason. The Braves are not stupid. They peddled his butt for a reason. Why are we bringing him back? We will ask that question all season.

4. CC will save our butts. He'll win 20, maybe 21. He'll be the only sure thing we have on the staff. I don't trust AJ. Nobody will. That deal where he needs his own catcher? It's toxic. It's the beginning of a collapse. If Andy gets hurt, and we have to rely on AJ to carry the load, this team will crumble.

5. Look for Cano to have a big year. He needs one. He's got the talent. And Melky, with the sex videos, will be out of his life. We all loved Melky. Walk off pies will never be the same. Neither will Cano. MVP? Don't laugh. He could win it.

6. Jesus Montero will start slow at Scranton, then come on strongly. Let's hope he doesn't get traded. I'm betting that if Cashman has any yips around June 21, he'll look to move Jesus. Let's hope it doesn't happen.

7. Phil Hughes will have a good year at starter, but they'll go apeshit trying to figure out how to keep his innings in lines. Meanwhile, I don't know what to make of Joba. He'll be in limbo. Just hope we stick with him. He's going to take another year or two. The Zambronos always do.

8. Brett Gardner is going to be good. I know Alphonso doesn't agree. Trust me. He'll get on base. He'll hit .270. And if he can hit .270, he's going to be a factor.

9. Curtis Granderson is a great man. Not sure he'll be a great Yankee. I like his speed and style. Can he hit lefties? Donno. Probably not. He should be a 30-HR guy. We'll be lucky if we get 25.

10. Bullpen? I'd love to say Mark Melancon will be the Next Big Thing, but they'll probably trade him for a moving van. I like Dave Robertson the most, but his fastball rides straight and smooth. He's still our best bet to get us to Mariano. Ahh, Mariano. He can't last forever. But he'll still be our closer. All year. Our closer. And write this down: Better than Papelbon. Ohhhh, so much better than Papelbon.

First photo ever of Hillary Clinton's bedroom

Actually, this belongs to River Ave.

In a mirror universe, Marcus Thames is Jon Weber

A while back, Marcus Thames was banging home runs for the Norwich Navigators, but on a ticket to -- Hartford, maybe. The scouts didn't like him. He smacked one off Randy Johnson in his first major league at bat, but -- hey -- the scouts didn't like him. Something in the way he smiled did not attract them like no other.

Thames has put together a fine career, but it's starting to contract: Ashes to ashes, Yank to Yank. So here he is, maybe in possibly his last major league season -- certain to make the team over the Marcus Thames he almost was: Jon Weber.

Weber was signed off the Shelley Duncan waiver wire from the Cincinati Reds, where he hit .302 for the Triple A affiliate last year. He is destined for Scranton. He is 32 and never played in the majors. In Tampa, he has been the best hitter we have.

Unfortunately, for Weber, he bats left-handed. For him to make this team, realistically, either Curtis Granderson or Brett Gardner have to get hurt - and maybe both do. Short of waiting for a Bubba Crosby-Gary Sheffield moment, that shouldn't happen.

Wish we could find a spot for this guy. The Yankees should be strong in every category this year -- except Cinderellas.

Tuba from Aruba now a Duck

Sidney Ponson, the party lugnut who surfed the last incarnation of Joe Torre as a Yankee, is back in the New York Metropolitan area.

He has signed with the Long Island Ducks.

This is sort of sad, because if Ponson were a Yankee, he could team with Kei Igawa in the Scranton-Wilkes Barre farm club, creating a reality TV show that would go down in history.

"Sidney & Kei, Not Gay"

"Kei & Sidney, damn the Kidney"

"Sid & Igawa, Feel the Powah."

Vin Scully falls down

He's 82 and in the hospital. He got out of bed and took a header.

He plans to call Sunday's game.

At ESPN, Nomar Garciappara would have probably missed a month.

Manny may be having a career spring, but Nick Johnson is looking like this year's Josh Phelps

Happy Manny Ramirez -- currently punishing society by refusing to speak with reporters -- lashed a big home run yesterday to assure Dodger fans that he is still reading Rhonda Byrne's self-improvement manifesto, "The Secret," and catching the positive vibes that allowed him two years ago to tell everybody in Boston what measly worm-bastards they are. Bravo, Manny!

But meanwhile, the story in Florida is Nick Johnson's career spring. Right now, he is leading the Yankees in home runs and batting a crisp. 389. Most importantly, his base on balls numbers are up to 4 -- tied with Posada, Swisher and Gardner. When the Yankees signed Captain Walker, we figured he would lead the team in that category. He is not letting us down.

But where is Grandy? Well, you won't find him on this list, because his batting average thus far is .160.

Not to worry. Where is Josh Phelps these days, anyway?

GOP: Obama health care plan would force insurance companies to cover Nick Johnson

Washington _ GOP leaders today charged that key provisions in the Democratic health care bill now being debated would require insurance companies to offer coverage to a Yankee designated hitter who has spent more time on the disabled list than President Obama has been in office.

"No insurance company can stay in business if it has to give insurance to Nick Johnson," Congressman Jim Bunning told Fox News. "I don't care how many times he walks, he's going to get hurt, and he'll take the federal government with him."

Bunning denied that the GOP has no alternative plan for health care, saying he's recently learned that the U.S. government, through one 15-minute phone call, might save up to 15 percent on its car insurance.

The Question of whether to chase Elijah Dukes has a simple answer

It is the answer to every Yankee question.

It has been this way since 2004, though it has diminished somewhat since last October.

Should we sign Elijah Dukes, the emotionally-challenged outfielder who yesterday received his walking papers from the Quadruple A Washington Nationals?

No.

Unless Boston is about to sign him.

Then, yes.

Shell out the money. Whatever it takes.

Next question?

Report from Our Woman in Tampa

From the most trusted concept in sports... She-Fan.

Andy Pettitte wasn't exactly ready for prime time, but Joba looked impressive over his four innings of work. What that means in terms of the #5 starter's job is anyone's guess. I was more concerned with Damaso Marte, who couldn't get anybody out before getting hit in the back by Ryan Howard's line drive. Don't the Yankees need another lefty in the pen? I mean, seriously?

Deadspin: "The only True Yankee is a winning Yankee." IT IS HIGH: 10 Aspects of a True Yankee

Deadspin Leitch's dead spin on the Myth of the True Yankee.

"The only True Yankee is a winning Yankee: It's one that reaches that elusive ideal that is demanded. It's a reason for the rest of baseball to hate the Yankees, and a reason for fans to take pride in their exceptionalism."

He is a fool.

10 Aspects of a true Yankee


1. No disgusting facial hair.
2. Always respectful of elders.
3. Turns off appliances when not in use.
4. Stays alert at all times.
5. Never refuses Facebook request for friendship.
6. Makes sure no animals needlessly harmed during games.
7. Recycles non-biodegradable materials.

8. Does not covet his neighbor's wife.

9. Does not steal music from web-sharing sites.

10. Believes that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.

Report from Our Lady in Tampa

The temps weren't so bad when we got to Steinbrenner Field at 5 o'clock for the 7:05 start. In fact, I stood next to the Yankees dugout for what seemed like an eternity, waiting for the players to show their faces, and didn't even feel the chill.

She-Fan is risking her life down in that cold, barren place. God speed.

Jersey Bank Robbed by Yankee Fan

They described the suspect as a: “Hispanic Male, Light Skin, Facial Stubble, 5’10”-5’11”, 35-45YOA, Last Seen Wearing; Blue Baseball Cap w/ white letters on the front “Bronx Bombers” and the NY Yankee Emblem, Blue turtle neck shirt with gold colored letters on the collar, Black or dark blue leather jacket, Blue jeans, Black gloves.

We warned of fall-out from letting Johnny Damon go. It's on you, Cashman.

Damaso Marte pitches to four batters, escapes with life

The exciting news out of the Sunshine State is of the red-hot competition for our LH sixth-inning bridge to David Robertson. The battle currently is being waged between two sticks of gum, a bucket of fried chicken, three magic beans, Lefty Gomez, Lefty Grove, Lefty Frizzell and Lefty O'Doule.

Interest crested this afternoon when Mr. Lefty October himself, Damaso Marte, faced four Phillies today and retired none. The first two batters got on base. The third hit a home run. The fourth lined a shot so hard that it would have been arrested for speeding an hour later on Route 395, had not it hit Marte, driving him from the game and into the nearest ice bucket.

We are now 5 games behind Tampa Bay in the race for the Grapefruit Crown.

Rhymin' Paul Simon to play Thurman Munson in 2010 movie

I know... you're thinking that's a misprint, right? Art Garf's diminuitive partner must be playing Herman Munster, not Thurman Munson, right?

Nope. Simon is the voice of Captain Munson in the upcoming movie, "Henry & Me," scheduled for release this year.

This is real, folks. This is not another Felice Brothers music-inspired bender. This is real. Says IMDb:

"A young boy, Jack, is battling and undergoing treatment for cancer. A young girl helps Jack find his own unique, Yankee-filled fantasy. Jack travels through Yankee history from the past to the present with Henry as his guide."

This is going to be a great youth indoctrination film. We need to rent theaters throughout Connecticut, New Hamshire and Rhode Island. (Forget Massachusetts; we'll carpet-bomb later.) We need Cub scout leaders, daycare center operators and nuns. How are we doing with Yankee nuns? With movies like this, we can win the war of hearts and minds for the class of 2025.

Check out the lineup, and let's try not be discouraged that they misspelled Thurman's name. (I guess Gilbert "Aflac!" Gottfried wasn't available to do the voice of Roger Repoz.)


Richard Gere ... Henry (voice) (rumored)
Chazz Palminteri ... Babe Ruth (voice) (rumored)
Lucie Arnaz ... Jack's Mom (voice) (rumored)
Paul Simon ... Thurmon Munson (voice)
Austin Williams ... Jack (voice)
Alex Rodríguez ... Himself (voice)
Reggie Jackson ... Himself (voice)
José Feliciano ... Dr. Acosta (voice)
Yogi Berra ... Himself (voice)
Michael Kay ... Himself (voice)
Joe Girardi ... Himself (voice)
Mariano Rivera ... Himself (voice)
Bernie Williams ... Himself (voice)
Serena Girardi ... Little Girl on Train (voice)
Hideki Matsui ... Himself (voice)
Goose Gossage ... Himself (voice)
Hank Steinbrenner ... George Steinbrenner (voice)
Scott Clark ... Bobby Murcer (voice)
John Sterling ... Himself (voice)
Mickey Rivers ... Himself (voice)

Let's Get Betty White to Manage the Yankees for One Game

Let's go, Internet. You know the drill. This becomes an alt-media sensation, and the next thing you know, the mainstream power brokers have no choice but to cave in. We can do this.

BETTY WHITE FOR YANKEE MANAGER.

One game.

Against Boston.

In Fenway.

Let's hear them boo us with Betty at the helm!

Dammit. We'll have them over a barrel. How can they chant YANKEES SUCK with Betty White as our manager? You better believe she'll have some funny lines for Jeet and A-Rod! And if she has to use the hook on C.C., wow!

LET'S SEE JOSH BECKETT THROW AT US WITH BETTY WHITE MANAGING!

SHE'LL GO OUT AND KICK HIS ASS.

BETTY WHITE FOR YANKEE MANAGER.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE.

With decision to go to Augusta, Tiger Woods will learn firsthand the essence of Masters' baiting

I apologize for the above headline. But for me, it was like going back to junior high school.


He's going to the Masters. Where he will be baited. Get it?


Yeah, you did? OK. I thought so.

Our woman in Tampa

She-Fan is on the scene.


My husband Michael went down to the lobby of the Vinoy to get some coffee. When he came back to the room, he said casually, "I just saw Nick Johnson."

Jets lose fair and balanced secret coin toss; they will receive -- nothing.

This weekend, the New York football Jets lost a heartbreaker at the last minute. Their shot at, for once, being kings of New York, fell through on a secret deal that sounds like something a cable company representative offers you over the phone at dinner time.

The team of Joe "Who's that guy puking in the bushes?" Namath lost a secret coin toss to determine who gets to open the exciting new Meadowlands football stadium, which has captured the imagination of the four football fans everywhere who still want to know the fate of Jimmy Hoffa.

NFL Commissar Roger Goodell flipped a coin in the privacy of his office -- yeah, right -- and the magical coin told him the Giants should open the new facility.

The Giants say nobody can argue with a coin toss.

The Jets say whaddafuk? We're always getting pissed on. We had to play five years at GIANTS Stadium. For once, we were supposed to get the same deal as the Giants, and they pull this crap?

Oh, well, they've got their own L.T. now. They're equals, right?

The Shame of Ronan Tynan is Now for Redsockian History to Judge

This weekend, America's most deep-throated politically incorrect landlord, Ronan Tynan, finally showed his true colors. Red and blue.

Yep, Redsock Roaney finally came out of the closet. Far as I'm concerned, he was always a Bozock bozo just masquerading in Pinstripes. He was living a lie. He's better off being able to cross-dress in public, in front of his newly accepting tribe.

Goes to show you about these guys who wrap themselves in Yankeehood and lead the chorus of our fight songs. Yeah, they're the superYankeepatriots, all right. They're first to stand and salute the pennant flags. They're loudest in the chorus when chanting rollcall. But once the ink is dry on their tabloid headlines, they're standing in front of Fenway, pledging allegiance to the People's Republic of Pedroia.

Well, he's theirs now. Good Redsock Rudy riddance.

"Pitcher X:" Is that how we should view "Have-a-Homer Javy" Vazquez?

That's how Joe at New York Mag seez it.

"If the Yankees signed an unnamed Pitcher X with these numbers to be their fourth starter, no one would bat an eye."

I HEREBY PROPOSE TO THE YANKIVERSE THAT, AS A GOOD WILL GESTURE... SHOWING THAT WE ARE A PEACEFUL AND LOVING TRIBE... WE SHOULD NAME JAVIER VAZQUEZ HONORARY YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH OF MARCH.

And men shall say, "This was our finest haur."