Saturday, September 21, 2013

Once we're out of it, A-Rod should start serving his suspension... and more ideas of how to enjoy the last meaningless week

One loss, and we can party like it's 1989! Or maybe it doesn't even matter. But here are more ideas of how to enjoy the final, exciting week of 2013.

1. Let A-Rod start serving his prison time. He could knock eight games off a 50-game suspension - that's 16 percent! It works for Judge Kenesaw Mountain Selig's team in Milwaukee. It works for Francisco Cervelli. It works for any player on a team playing meaningless games. Why not A-Rod? He can keep his appeal, but agree to start serving - as an act of good faith. Man, would that piss off Selig, or what?

2. Billy Crystal. Bring back the greatest-ever Yankee spring training breath of spring. He has a memoir out. It's got laughs on every page (so read it with a whisk broom.) He needs ink. Let him DH for a game. Good grief, with A-Rod gone, let him play 3B. We're not losing much.

3. Dellin Betances. Has anyone seen him? Should we file with the missing persons bureau? Last I knew, the Yankees brought him up from Scranton, and he pitched an inning. Then, poof, he seemed to vanish into a time and space continuum, while Joe salted the Yankee hopes by giving the ball repeatedly to the Foghorns and the Jobas - and we sure know how that turned out. Mount a campaign: If someone can find Dellin Betances, they will receive a toaster oven or something.

4. John Sterling must manage. We've covered this before. It needs to be repeated.

5. Finally, 1989 Day at Yankee Stadium. All fans wearing 1989 clothes admitted free. (This includes most of the homeless population of NYC!)  We'll hold Rain Man impersonation contests. Maybe George H.W. Bush can skydive onto the field. Can Bernie Williams play a tribute to Madonna? The Yankees are going back to 1989. Just five quick years, and we'll be a contender again!


KD said...

well, you know me. I'll be there Sunday to see Mo's big day and "PED monster" Andy take the ball for his final home start. Anon's brilliant logic was so compelling last night. Evil spawn like Andy are destroying America's youth and must be held to account. I'll spend the last few games hoping against hope for some good baseball and bombastic moral preening against A-Rod and Andy. I suggest you do the same, duque.

SanJoseKid said...

Let's not forget the main event, the Suzyn Waldman - Jayson Nix nuptual in centerfield. Everyone loves a happy ending, even Anonymous. If you don't have rice to throw, toss bananas!

Anonymous said...

I seem to have really gotten to KD--his rich store of bile is splattering into every thread now, along with his infantile hyperbole and sarcasm.

So KD has a blind spot about the devastating consequences of PEDs--and thus loses no opportunity to blindly fellate Andy Pettitte, Bible-thumping liar and drug cheat. There will be better days for KD, lovelorn to the last.

Squid Lips said...

Anonymous, you don't know KD, but the rest of us do, so your amateur psychoanalysis is less than convincing. Incidentally, you split an infinitive in that first sentence. Fall on your sword, wordsmith.

el duque said...


You will never defeat us.

Pedro Cerrano 1B said...

Anonymous angers Jobu. Great misfortune will fall on Anonymous. Anonymous must sacrifice chicken, beg forgiveness from KD. If not, Jobu will place itching curse on Anonymous' gonads. Jobu has spoken through Cerrano. Anonymous' private part will fester like ant-infested rotten mango.

Bernie Williams, CF and jazz guitarist, said...

Hey, everybody! I'd be delighted to return to centerfield, holding a guitar rather than a glove, Paul Simon-style. I can't do those Madonna covers (unless I am in drag), but I have prepared a special medley of tunes from Phil Collins's debut album, "Face Value". See you at the Stadium!!

Anonymous said...

Squid Lips: Split infinitives are prohibited only in Latin. No serious style authority subscribes to an absolute ban on them in English, which is the hobby horse of ignorant schoolmarms and petty Internet snipers. See the following:

As for your pal KD, his behavior speaks for itself. You don't need a weatherman--or Freudian psychoanalysis--to know which way the wind blows.

Squid Lips said...

I was wrong. Anonymous did NOT pass English 101. Split infinitives may be venial sins rather than cardinal sins, but they are still bad form. And may I recommend Strunk and White over the NY Times, unless you are an Englishman, which you cannot be because you split infinitives. If you wish to engage in special pleading, in other words that you are a journalist and therefore have license due to your specialized form of composition, there are plenty of journalists on this blog to set you right. You're flying with the eagles in this here blog, buster! We'll scrutinize every apostrophe rendered by your poisoned pen.

Anonymous said...

Squid Lips--I notice that you cite no authority for your mistaken blathering about split infinitives--because you are WRONG, even by the lights of Strunk and White, who do not issue a blanket prohibition--to wit:

"“There is precedent from the fourteenth century down for interposing an adverb between “to” and the infinitive it governs, but the construction should be avoided unless the writer wishes to place unusual stress on the adverb.”

Or consider the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary:

"Some people believe that split infinitives are grammatically incorrect and should be avoided at all costs. They would rewrite these sentences as:

She used secretly to admire him.

You really have to watch him.

But there’s no real justification for their objection, which is based on comparisons with the structure of Latin. People have been splitting infinitives for centuries, especially in spoken English, and avoiding a split infinitive can sound clumsy. It can also change the emphasis of what’s being said. The sentence:

You really have to watch him. [i.e. ‘It’s important that you watch him’]

doesn’t have quite the same meaning as:

You have to really watch him. [i.e. ‘You have to watch him very closely’]" (

Now--in my sentence, avoiding the split would have resulted in one of the following atrocities:

"I seem really to have gotten to KD."


"I seem to have gotten really to KD."

This kind of ignorant grammatical pedantry is on a par with those who insist on never ending a sentence with a preposition, an absurd stricture to which George Bernard Shaw counterposed the following objection: "That is something up with which I will not put."

And there is something else up with which I will not put: Squid Lips' and others' playing ad hom games of gotcha (stupidly, wrong-headedly) while ignoring the serious documentation I have mustered about the grievous consequences of the PED pandemic that has taken hold of professional and amateur sports. That is something up with which Squid Lips and his fellow regressed Yankee groupies will put all too readily.

Squid Lips said...

OK, Anonymous. Post your Curriculum Vita and we'll judge it fairly. But likely you're neither academician nor journalist. Medicine? Would account for the "holier than thou" attitude. But since you lack compassion it seems unlikely you could make it through residency. Another stab in the dark- is this Dick Cheney or Karl Rove?

T. Sterling Prufrock, amateur poet, said...

So much information, much of it correct
Eagle-eyed and certain, pushing to direct
Cold as late November with the darkness growing faster:
Anonymous can only be the evil Anti-Master.

Thomas Norton, Rackmaster General of England said...

Gentlemen, Anonymous presents you with inescapable logic. Hang, draw and quarter Andy Pettite. Make a pie from gooseberries and Pettite's corrupt heart. Serve it to these PED abusers. Make them wash the meal down with Andy's tainted blood. If you sacrifice this man after the obligatory torments, the PED problem will vanish. I, for one, salute you, Anonymous. I appreciate simple solutions and the judicious application of violence. We should get together for coffee sometime.

Cardinal Robert Bellarmine, SJ, said...

The author of the previous post should understand that Anonymous is already under contract to my organization. If Mr. Norton requires further explanation, he is free to visit me in my quarters in Rome, where I guarantee he will be entertained appropriately. I should expect that Anonymous will assist in extending hospitality to the celebrated Rackmaster. Now, where did I lay my cigarette lighter?

Anonymous said...

Thoroughly vanquished on substance and outed as a grammatical ignoramus and verbal pit bull, Squid Lips licks his wounds by doubling down on ad hom scurrility--as though his contortions of posturing will distract our attention from his by-now neon-glaring personal and intellectual shortcomings. (But I'll grant him one virtue--chutzpah. It's beyond belief that this font of vitriol could actually muster the temerity to accuse another human of lacking compassion! Here's my suggestion, Squid Lips--if you don't like being humiliated in public, don't pontificate about subjects in which you are incompetent; you brought this well-deserved comeuppance on yourself.)

The irony is that the assembled ad hom lynch mob is acting like the panicked, censorious church, issuing tribal anathemas in lieu of reasoned discussion. One can only wonder at the developmental calamities that have issued in such gnarled specimens of American manhood--all free-floating malice, sadism, and tribal atavism, an on-line re-enactment of Lord of the Flies.

Drs. Piaget and Freud, I turn the floor over to you.