Saturday, September 7, 2013

Open letter to the Redsocks: Please, just make it fast and painless.

Dear Sirs,

We play you five more times this season. Five games...

Take them! They're all yours!

That's right. Go, just GO. Shoo! Begone. We don't want them. There are some good movies on TV this afternoon - "Hang 'em High" and "Fried Green Tomatoes." Get your lead, widen it, give us  a chance to enjoy the "Monk" festival on Ion.

Listen: You earned the wins. Last year, as your team swirled down the toilet, you chose to rebuild the Redsocks, rather than double-down on slobbering former stars. We, of course, never do such a thing as rebuild. Thus, we win when spending three times as much as most teams,  with a farm system that cannot produce one position player, not one. Ah, but that's a matter to explore this winter - which, hmm, will start in three weeks!

But I digress. BEAT US! PLEASE, EARLY, FAST! COMPLETELY! Let the stadium fill with booing. Let the Yankee owners know how much we appreciate the system they have created.

These last two losses were cruel and unusual punishment. You didn't need to let us take the lead Friday night. If you'd beaten us 7-2 - or maybe 12-2 - we could have watched Peyton Manning. Last night, why did you let us lead 8-3? That was torture. Good grief, we've pitched Joba Chamberlain, twice. Has any host ever been more welcoming?

Today, we're suiting up a guy from Scranton. If we're lucky, he'll pitch five innings and give up - oh - three runs. After that, we'll trowel up grocery-baggers and gym teachers, maybe even Joba again!

Don't be cruel. Just take your four-game sweep and go.  Put the first bullet in our brain, then add two more, just to be safe.  End it by the third. There are shows to watch.  Sweep us, end this nightmare season, let us enjoy the beauty of the trees turning color.

Hey, how about this for the future: IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS... MONK.


Anonymous said...

The last two nights have hurt like it hurt in October 04. And yet, only 2.5 games back of the fake playoff spot, thanks to Tampa suddenly playing the role of Sox11, so I will continue to watch. I know that people looking for lightning in a bottle sometimes get struck, and maybe that's more humane than 3 weeks of Joba Hughes making me want to vomit each night.

Parson Tom said...

Well, the last couple of nights could have gone a little better, I suppose, but as our fried Anon says, we're only 2.5 out of the one-game tourny to determine who will get thrashed next. Of course, the last two implosions have hurt, especially because Mo is going out on his shield, but I cheer myself with memories of the five-game sweep in Fenway in '05 and countless other special moments that I need not list here. If nothing else, we've learned a little more about our bullpen -- as though we needed more data on Phil and Joba and Logan, the lefty specialist who never strands runners on base. I can't help wondering what performance metric keeps Cashman in his job: Most expensive team in baseball for 15 years, and yet ....

KD said...

Has anyone considered the one-game wildcard is Bud's diabolical long-term plan to kill the Yankees forever? We will spend our time acquiring fading stars and scrapheap bargains from here on out. We’ll chase the wildcard because we’ll always be only “two or three pieces” away from real contention. We’ll never really rebuild.

Bud has killed the Yankees. Long-term.

Anonymous said...

KD is absolutely spot on, this pipe dream is just a cruel cruel joke, a fake hundred dollar on the string that keeps us scrambling in 'each game is a playoff game' mode , with thought to cleaning house, and absolutely NO chance to rebuild,,,,,,,