Monday, August 10, 2015

Dear Mr. Trump, here's how you win the Presidency:

Dear President Trump,

Hey, you like the sound of that? Parrrrrezzzzzzzident Tarrrrrrrump-p-p!

Well, aint gonna happen. Not now, anyway. They say you're dead as a GOP candidate, for suggesting that Meghan Kelly menstruates. Big muck-up. They chuckled when you mentioned Rosie O'Donnell, but there's one big difference, pally: Meghan is on the team. You don't dis a teammate.

Nevertheless, it aint over. Here's how you win the Presidency.

First, the alternatives have to be Hillary and Jeb!, which nobody in America really wants, not even their spouses. To most voters, a Clinton-Bush race will be the ultimate proof that democracy is dead. Good grief, did the Bushes have such great runs that they deserve a White House trifecta? Let's put it NY sports terms: Jeb is Fred Wilpon, born rich in a stupid family, and he's done nothing in 10 years. Hillary is Tom Coughlin, coach-for-life of the Giants: If he'd retire, we'd love him forever. But he won't quit, and we're going to go 2-14.

So, if it's Clinton v. Bush, the U.S. electorate will say, GIVE US SOMEBODY, ANYBODY...

But not you. Nope, they still won't vote for you... unless... UNLESS...

You offer America the Jeter-Kobayashi Maru - named for the seemingly unbeatable no-win scenario from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, where Spock dies at the end, giving the Vulcan salute from his glassed-in death chamber. Simply put: The Clinton v. Bush election is the Kobayashi Maru - the scenario from which no survives... unless... UNLESS...

Here's the solution: You announce that, if elected, you will serve only a figurehead post in the White House. Hell, you don't know dick about Tunisia, bombs and glaciers. Why lie? As president, you'll simply be putting on an entertaining show. But you would turn the day to day decisions to the perfect person - someone who has the respect of Republicans and Democrats, Conservatives and Liberals, whose leadership and greatness cannot be questioned.

Who is this great person? Stephen Hawking? Bill Gates? Tom Hanks? Springsteen? Meryl Streep? Warren Buffet? Jimmy Buffet? Me? (Well, yes, me. But I'm not in this for personal gain.)

No. They all have baggage. No sir, here's your VEEP IN CHIEF:

Derek Jeter.

The Captain.

Yes, announce the Trump-Jeter ticket, the bold thinking that will capture 35 percent of the vote and, thus, win the election. Screw the Clinton-Bush dynasties. The only dynasty that matters took place between 1996 and 2000, and it was Jeter's. And if the Captain can't handle some complex issue, he'll appoint a special czar named Mariano.

There you have it - best political advice you'll ever get. Please send $100,000, immediately, and I will tell you more ideas, as they come in.


Honey Barnes said...

Think that will play in Scranton?

Blind Robin said...

A cursory count of electoral college votes indicate Trump loses big.

joe de pastry said...

Are any of you stupid enough to believe that Trump really wants to give up his current life style and become president? He wants what you are giving him: attention.

Roger Stone said...

Duque, you really don't want that job!