FIFTY THOUSAND MOONS

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Yankees finish last in the coveted 2015 Trade Deadline Championships, ending their Trade Deadline Championships dynasty

Ah, how I love hyperbole! It's the only way to follow evil empires. On that note, let us now hail Day I of "The Age of Ackley," a sea change in Yankee history.

Stone tablets unearthed and deciphered by future insect beings will reveal that on July 31, 2015, A.D., a short and increasingly pudgy humanoid named "Brian Cashman" stood his ground and repelled an advancing chorus of barbarians known as the "Twitterverse." On that date, the Empire of Evil was no longer to be run by Billy Madden, Sir Rupert Murdoch, Vinnie from Bayside, a ghost named "old George," the dispirited soul of James Dolan, and the 14-year-old pimpled-chin army of the NY blogosphere.

Let the record show that the Yankees finished dead last - pathetic losers - in the 2015 Trade Deadline Championships... which was closely observed by every blogger in grades six through 12 across America. The 2015 Trade Deadline Champions were the Blue Jays, who beat out Houston and Kansas City for the honor. Congratulations went out to Toronto, which was entrusted to wear the 2015 Trade Deadline Championship belt with the pride and dignity that befit that franchise's winning tradition.

Sadly, the poor 2015 showing by the Yankee brass ended a skein of Trade Deadline Championships, whose invisible flags hung from the rafters of Yankee Stadium next to the bullpen statue of Sidney Ponson and the CF monument to Chris Capuano. (In 2014, the Yankees were victors in the Trade Deadline race, thanks to Capuano, whom they stole from the Rockies.)

Of course, it's sad to see the great Yankee Trade Deadline Championship dynasty crumble. This year's lackluster outing - one minor trade, and no bloated contracts - propels them into the despised category known as "prospect hugger!" There's no place in New York for that kind of incompetence, as any Knick fan with a Carmelo Anthony Bobble-head can attest.

Yesterday, Cashman tried to salve the heartbroken NY fan base by telling the NY Times: "I know maybe It's not the traditional way our franchise has operated, but I think it's a way that we've already communicated is our blahblahblahblah..." The hell with quoting him. He should have just said, "Things fucking changed, and goddammut, so did we."

Ahh, hyperbole...

Listen: If the Yankees wanted to "win" this year's trade deadline, they could have dealt Luis Severino, Aaron Judge and Gary Sanchez for Cole Hamels, and then sent Greg Bird, Rob Refsnyder and Jorge Matos for David Price. Ka-boom. Slam dunk. Today, the Twitterverse would be slobbering over Cashman as if we dating Lady Gaga. And, well... maybe it would work! Maybe they'd win the World Series. Who knows? But with the expanded MLB playoffs, the winning team not only must be hot for three weeks... it has to be lucky. You can bring in Koufax and Drysdale, but one nub single can knock you out in the first round. Under the modern system, the best team does not always win. That's the reality of a three-tier, wildcard-based post-season.

But here's something you can always depend upon: The most desperate-to-win general manager always, always, ALWAYS takes the Trade Deadline Championship on July 31. All he has to do is dramatically overpay for a few big names. Then it's all about the victory lap. Of course, much depends on whether he plans to be around in three years. Cashman does. After all, the Age of Ackley is here.

1 comment:

jdrny said...

The age of Ackley exactly.
Mitchell, Moreno & Rumbelow on the mound today.
I think we should start worrying.