Tuesday, October 30, 2018

The Yankees are my old bathroom and Didi is the cracked tile

True story: Twenty years ago, one day while pissing in the shower, I noticed a slightly spongy bath tile on the wall. I pushed it and felt a tiny bit of play. I could have kept pissing, but I pushed harder. 

Twenty thousand dollars later, we had a new bathroom.

Today, that's how I see the next four months of Yankee meta-hysteria. 

Imagine Brian Cashman lying naked in his golden, claw-foot tub, lathered up with Mr. Bubble, the water greasy from Calgon Bath Oil Beads, as he sips Pinot Grigio and reads "Eat, Prey, Love" by candlelight, while the soundtrack of "Mama Mia" plays on his Harman Kardon speakers. The man fated for Cooperstown - first ballot, 2035 - notices a bathroom tile slightly askew. He presses on it and feels a rubbery response. 

Folks, we're in for a do-over. 

Metaphorically, the tile is Didi Gregorius, and if somebody pushed me on which was worse news - Boston winning the series, or the Yankees losing Didi for most of 2019 - I would have chosen number two. Didi's elbow injury has created a worst-case, Rube Goldberg nightmare for the Yankees this winter, and yet they have no choice but to push the tile. 

If they try to go with Ronald Torreyes and/or Tyler Wade at SS, and wait for Didi to return in August, they will be practically surrendering to Boston the AL East, forcing us to play another wild card - which, simply stated, is too risky. They must sign or trade for a shortstop, launching the baseball equivalent of a viral YouTube domino-drop. 

Everything starts with replacing Didi, who was more than a SS. He was the de facto heart and soul of the clubhouse, our only top-tier infield glove, and the lefty bat between Judge and Stanton. No free agent checks all three boxes - even if we try Gleyber at SS and look for a 2B - and whomever we target - (assuming that Hal Steinbrenner unleashes his credit card, which, amazingly, seems to be no sure thing) - that player would be replaced when Didi returns. It's a clusterfuck. 

Yes, there is Manny Machado, whose presence suddenly seems dark and malevolent - (the polar opposite to Didi's) - who we would have to sign for life, who would tilt our lineup harder to the right, and who would compel another trade, quite possibly of Miguel Andujar. We all want Machado's 35 homers, but no matter how you wrangle it, he's like Cinderella's step-sisters trying on the slipper: His feet are too big, and it just doesn't fit. 

Same with Bryce Harper, No matter how we close our eyes and think of the middle of the order, he is yet another homer/strikeout slugger, another lifetime contract, another so-so fielding corner outfielder, another giant ego, and a reason the front office would trade Aaron Hicks or Clint Frazier. 

Whatever we chose, it will set into motion other moves - of Andujar,  Frazier, Greg Bird, Sonny Gray, or throughout our increasingly depleted farm system - and every deal will inspire more bloodletting, until Cashman has more plasma on his fingers than Lady MacBeth. You can look at the 2019 Yankees and see Judge, Stanton, Tanaka, Severino, Chapman, Gleyber and Gary Sanchez (because the front office, amazingly, is doubling down on him) and after that... absolutely nothing is certain. For a team that won 100 games, that's incredible. It's also a bit disturbing. 

Last winter, nobody imagined Giancarlo Stanton as a Yankee. And when it happened, it was not dictated by a sober, front office, lineup-building strategy. It came about because Miami wanted to dump the most onerous contract in professional sports, and we drunkenly signed on. He was our Bryce, our Manny, and we didn't care that the slippers were cramping our toes. 

As we wait to hear "Food Stamps" Hal Steinbrenner's spending plans, brace yourselves, everybody. 

The 2019 Yankees won't resemble last year's model. And they might not be any better. 


KD said...

duque, you and Hoss today gave us wonderful setups for this year's suspense-filled Hot Stove. who doesn't love a good horror flick?

The Ghost of Yankees Past said...

el duque,

Pissing in the shower! Didn’t your Mama teach you better? :)

13bit said...

Duque, I agree with you on all points, except one - do we really want Mellow Machado's 35 homers? At what cost? Do we need more homers? Look at how many homers we had this year - we had the most and best homers, the BIGGEST homers, the homer-est homers - and where did it get us? NOWHERESVILLE, BABY, that's where.

We need ball players. We need pitching bad. We need a strong lefty hitter, not necessarily a homer hitter, but a strong lefty, and someone who can play two infield positions well, SS being one of them. We should also probably get another guy who can close, as El Chapo is always one pubic hair away from the nuthouse or Tommy John's Country Cabin. Mark my words on that.

So, yeah, fuck Machado, who is too mellow to hustle. And you'd be reluctant to hustle, too, if you only made 20 million a year.

We need some more blue collar, lunch pail type players, ones who show up, do the job, shut and, and go home. We have enough prima donnas already. We need heart and soul. And fuck Harper, too. I think we should go all out on pitching in the immediate future and see how the trade market shapes up for a lefty and some infield help. I also don't necessarily think that a SS platoon situation guarantees us the Wild Card. We can still win without Didi, much as I love the guy.

13bit said...

GOYP - Ghost of Yankees Past -

Everybody pisses in the shower, but few admit it, which is why we like Duque.

If you're not pissing in the shower, you're bending over in the shower.

Anonymous said...


Far be it from me to focus on a typo given my inability to spell my own name correctly at times but I really liked "Eat, Prey, Love"

It evoked the image of a British couple who got lost on Safari and the woman asks the man, "How will we survive? What will we do for food?" and the man answers, "Eat, prey, love."

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

As to who we should get... I'm going to spend some time with 13bit's suggestion that we add lunch pail types instead of superstars. Everything he wrote is true. We need guys who bunt to beat the shift and who can situationally hit. I'm not anti HR though. (not saying 13bit is either. He just makes good points about the type of player we need.)

I'll tell you who they need in left. Hidecki Matsui. There was a guy who took what the pitcher gave him and made him pay. Superstar, clutch, power and smarts.

Any Matsui's out there? Seriously. I'm asking. Is there anyone available that fits that description? Because that's where the focus should be.

Anybody posting a player from Japan or Korea that fits this? Isn't there some second baseman from Korea? I thought I read that a while ago. Let's do that.

Doug K.

KD said...

If we had such a player as 13 and Doug describe, we'd only bench him when we need him the most.

we need new management and new algorithms. Yes, I know. duque pisses in the shower. I piss into the wind.

Local Bargain Jerk said...

There was a joke I used to like when people routinely used the expression "WASP" to refer to a very proper, upper-crusty kind of person.

Q: What's the definition of a true WASP?

A: A guy who gets out of the shower when he has to take a leak.

Local Bargain Jerk said...

To save someone else the bother, and for younger readers who might not know, I should have said that "WASP" is an acronym meaning "White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant".

It's been quite a while since I've seen it in print.

Anonymous said...

I piss in the shower even when I'm not taking one.

Doug K.

Elaine B. said...

You guys are disgusting. Different pipes for different purposes, people!

HoraceClarke66 said...

Hilarious, Doug K.! I noticed that, too.

And KD, I have it on good authority that you not only piss into the wind, but you also pull on Superman's cape and mess around with Jim.

The suggestions are already getting crazier and crazier. A friend wrote me today saying that the latest rumors have Paul Goldschmidt AND Greinke coming to the Yankees, for some of the Yanks' "many major-league ready pitchers."

Really, it's hilarious. If we have anything like "many major-league ready pitchers" we should pitch them. We don't. Even Sheffield looked like a bust when we finally brought him up. But this is the sort of insanity we're going to have to put up with.

KD said...

Hoss, I am a glutton for punishments. :-)

you know what, Hoss? you're right about all the crazy shit that'll be flying this off season. it's already started. get some popcorn. this'll be big fun!

(Don't you wish RAB still hosted comments? I can't help but feel we are missing out on some outrageous hilarity!)

Anonymous said...

Speaking of crazy shit

"Giants’ backup quarterback Kyle Lauletta reportedly arrested"


Doug K.

John M said...

Elaine, this is why we don't get more women here.

Northern European men have some kind of fascination for relieving themselves outdoors. Sometimes when they have a bathroom 10 feet away, in their own home.

I don't get it.

Tommy John's Country Cabin gets my 13bit atmospheric descriptor award for today.

The only thing you know about the 2019 Yankees is that they'll field a team. It will probably be a mess, but maybe they get lucky.

Oh, yeah...one other thing you know: Cashman, Hal, Booney, Rothschild, and the assorted multitude of managerial midgewipes will suck, even if the team doesn't.

Alphonso said...

Did you ever think that the reason that tile came loose is because you were pissing on it 5 times a day?

Mediasavvy said...

Sign Murphy for a year to play 2nd. Pay him well for the short contract. Put him at 1st when Didi returns. Keep Torreyes as the late-inning replacement. Shift Torres to short. Keep Wade as depth.

We'll weep at his fielding, but he's a low-K/high average lefty bat with some pop.

HoraceClarke66 said...

You're right, KD!

Local Bargain Jerk said...

I piss in the shower even when I'm not taking one.

Ahh yes, echoes of this classic exchange on the Simpsons:

     Marge Simpson: I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only while you're taking a shower.

     Homer Simpson: No freedom. I have no freedom around this house! After sex, I'm not talking to you!