Friday, October 12, 2018

Yankees to hoist Luxury Tax Reset Flag in ceremonies at City Hall

Millions of proud fans are expected to mob the Canyon of Heroes today as the jubilant Yankees front office, the "Cardiac Comptrollers," celebrates the 2018 Luxury Tax Reset.

"They said it was impossible, they said $190 million was out of reach," said Lonn "Bleacher Creature" Trost, Chief Operating Officer of the Secret Yankee 100 Keg Club and Renate Alumni Society. "But they didn't know this bunch of guys. 

"Today, every paying fan in the Yankiverse should feel proud. We accomplished exactly what we set out to do in spring training. We cut the payroll and beat the luxury tax! Stand back, boys, 'cause my buttons are popping and I may do a  power-barf. From here on, BEACH WEEK! Woo-woo! BEEEEEACH WEEEEEK!"

City Hall ceremonies are set for 11 a.m., when team president Randy Levine will personally bestow monetary bonuses on the franchise's top belt-tightening linchpins, including members of the YES Team Austerity Spirit Brigade, (Driven by Jeep!), who went the entire year without questioning ownership's need to bank higher profits and cut payroll, in the face of heavy opposition spending. 

"This is an historic achievement not only for Yankee executives, but for billionaires everywhere," said team owner Hal Steinbrenner. "No longer do they need live in fear. Today, we have soundly buried the big spending expectations of our past. And no collusion, ha-ha! We have scaled down the Yankees into a small market ATM for our money-washing cartels and Saudi clientele, and the best part - Jeez, I gotta tell ya - the best part is that the once-independent New York press has basically collapsed, overpowered by YES and our own media, where all front office decisions about austerity don't even questioned... 

"This is a miracle," Steinbrenner continued. "Last winter, we were handed Giancarlo Stanton on a silver platter, even though the last thing we needed was a right-handed DH. I mean, could you believe it? Everybody knew we had no starting pitching, but we took Stanton, then said we couldn't afford anybody else... and everybody cheered. Nobody bothered to ask about the lack of starting pitchers. We just said we didn't have the money - can you believe it?, whose idea was it? Cash? Give him another boat! - and people bought it! I mean, it was incredible. Is America great, or what? You can just say shit, and because you're the owner, nobody questions you. 

"We told everybody the Yankees had to cut our payroll down to - oh, I forget the number, damn, we should have used a lower figure, hey, Cash, next year, can we go to $150? Haha - and they swallowed it, hook, line and sinker. The Redsocks outspent us by about $30 million, and nobody wondered why. We did it! We did it! Woo-woo! Hey, put that bottle in the right bin. We collect the deposits. HAHAHAHA, JUST KEEDDDDING, HAHAHAHA." 


ranger_lp said...

You would make Andy Borowitz proud....

Local Bargain Jerk said...

This was brilliant. To ranger_lp's point, you might consider removing the 4-letter word, adding a few inspired paragraphs about parade preparations, and submitting something very much like it to the NY times.

Really, really great.

13bit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
13bit said...

I have to delete in order to save it, as they used to say in Vietnam. We need an edit button! Here is my post, corrected.

I love you, Duque. This post says it all.

REMOVE BOONE, CASH AND ALL THE COACHES. Unfortunately, we’re still left with Hal. I realized at the very end of last year, for the very first time in my adult life, I would be grateful if somebody else owned this team. It all trickles down or, as a truck driver compatriot of mine used to constantly say: “shit flows downhill, man. Shit flows downhill.” The Yankees, something we have our hearts invested in, many of us since childhood, are just one item in some asshole‘s portfolio.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget they have roughly another 83 million coming off the books.

Shane Robinson

Plus: If they keep Elsbury on the DL all year again they get that money back too! (but not the tax hit)

We could beat the Marlins! Take that Jeter!

Doug K.

KD said...

THIS is the kind of superior content that keeps me coming back again and again. just the right blend of snark and sarcasm, tinged with truthiness and ruthless intelligence.

old age is treating you well, my friend. Very well.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Brilliant! Just brilliant!

JM said...

A great post which would be funnier if it wasn't so true.

13bit is right, of course, and it won't happen.

Everyone on Anon's list shouldn't be coming back. Which doesn't mean they won't.

TheWinWarblist said...

Who the fuck is Kontos??

TheWinWarblist said...

Randy Levine is still a wretched twat.

Fuck Hal Steinbrenner.

Fuck Cashman.

Fuck Randy Levine.

Fuck Aaron Boone.

Fuck Larry Rothschild.