Friday, September 18, 2015

So who do we want in the one game Wild Card, Houston or Texas? The answer is easy... and it's not the team it looks like we're going to get

This week, the W. Bush Rangers went Toronto on their blood rivals, the Houston Colt 45s, or Rockets, or Oilers - whatever - in a four-game sweep, taking over the mighty (that's a joke) AL West. The Rangers now have a 3-game lead over Houston in the loss column, leaving the Astros as the likely visitor in the upcoming duel for the Bud Selig Maximize Profits One Game Playoff Cup.

Of course, there's two whole weeks to play, and - considering the icebergs still ahead for the Yankees - nobody's guaranteed of diddly-doo. Still, Girardi's Geriatrics have a 5-game lead (losses, that is) in the Wild Card, and Houston is up by one (loss) over Minnesota.

So... right now... it's Houston?

This is bad. This is really bad.

The reason is not Houston. It's Dallas. Not the city. The pitcher. Dallas Keuchel.

If the Astros finagle their rotation to fit Keuchel into the one game - well - it looks like a short post-season, comrades. This year, Keuchel has pitched two games against the Yankees. He has thrown 16 innings - (OK, let's do the math, two goes into sixteen, that's um, eight... eight innings per game, right?) - and in those two starts he has given up exactly ZERO runs. That's an ERA of exactly ZERO-POINT-ZERO-ZERO.

Friends, that's not "lights-out." That's Stygian darkness. That's black hole sun, won't ya come and wash away the rain, black hole sun, black hole sun, black hole sun. And it's no fluke. Keuchel might be the 2015 AL Cy Young winner. He's won 17. His ERA is 2.56. This is the last guy in the solar system - after maybe King Felix - we want to face in a one-day baseball game, beauty pageant or hotdog eating contest. We don't want this guy. Calgon Beauty Beads, take me away!

Now... OK, breathe...  there's always the chance that Tanaka can match him - inning per inning - if we work our rotation so Masahiro gets the nod. But I spent the last three weeks planning to face face Texas - whose staff is deeper but with less of an ace - and now, MAYDAY. The Rangers would probably start Colby Lewis, who is also 2-0 against us this season. But he's lasted 12 innings in two starts - a 4.97 ERA - and if we can score five, I'll take my chances. Also, Cole Hamels, the guy they got at the deadline, hasn't thrown any no-hitters lately. His ERA - over eight games - is 4.04. Yeah, they have Prince Fielder, who absolutely kills us, but pardon me if I don't cringe.

And let's face it: The real reason we want Texas is revenge. We owe them a ziplock bag with a bloody foot in it. They cleaned our clocks a few years ago - back in our Lance Berkman era - (not that many current Yankees remember it.) We have unfinished business. They are on my black list. They must pay for their insolence! They must be taught a lesson, mwahahahaha!  

Folks, Houston isn't the Astros. It's the asteroid. We don't want Houston. We don't need Houston. What we need is... hmm, wait a minute, there is another option out there...

HELLO, PHIL HUGHES! Hey, Minnesota, how about a win streak!


John M said...

Wait a minute, the News fired Lupica and Madden? Whaaa?

My co-worker and long-time Mets fan thinks the Yankees will take two out of three this weekend. We have Tanaka tonight but I don't see it.

Hope he's right and I'm wrong.

The answer to the one-game wild card issue, of course, is not to have a one-game playoff, but instead to have a three-hour debate between the two teams. They'll be asked questions related to world events, immigration, financial policy and domestic programs, and near the end the closers will come in for the bonus round and questions on fundamentalist American Christians versus fundamentalist Middle Eastern Muslims. (The answer: ours have more guns, but they use theirs more.)

KD said...

we still owe those Houston bastards for Roger Clemens.

ceeja said...

Someone once asked Jeter a convoluted question about which team he'd rather face in the playoffs and why one team might be weaker or a better match. Jeter said: "Why would we want to play a weaker team?"

Now that we are a so-so team, we don't have that kind of attitude any more. But I'm really happy that after paying no estate taxes on a 10 figure estate, the Steinbrenner brothers have saved so much money this year!!!

KD said...

you don't understand ceeja. it benefits all of society that the steinspawn pay no taxes. if they had to pay taxes, they wouldn't be able to do so much for the everyday Americans they love so much. so when you pay your property taxes, be happy in the thought that you pay so the steinspawn don't have to!

Mustang said...

And let us treasure the proof of God's existence that was George's passing during the inheritance tax holiday.

KD said...

Hmmmm... Wonder if they performed an autopsy on ol' George.