The lords of baseball have a new terrible idea: The 11th inning automatic runner on second

This we know: The Universe is a maniac. There are things out there that, frankly, none of us want to live long enough to see. Nuclear war. The Grand Canyon super volcano. The reboot of Roseanne. The death of baseball...

Then again, maybe when The End finally arrives, we won't care. When the tidal wave hits, when Old Faithful shoots red and when Marge leaves Homer, maybe by then, the show will have become so befouled and unfunny that we've stopped watching. On that note, the lords of baseball - under the guise of "speeding up the game" - seem bent on doing all they can to foster a mini-apocalypse. 

This week, the Commissioner's office announced its newest plan, to be tested during spring training and the All-Star game: Whenever a tie game goes into the 11th inning, each team will automatically come to bat with a runner on second. This would curtail those rare marathons that run into the 15th or 16th, often becoming the most memorable games in a fan's life, if he or she is lucky enough - or crazy enough - to stay for the entirety. Nope, those games when Nick Swisher pitches or Jack Reed inscribes himself into history - they're going, going, gone.

Of course, this scenario creates a huge advantage for the home team. If the visitors fail to score, they can bunt the runner around. (Of course, the visitors will intentionally walk the first batter, creating a force, then bring in the outfield, use drastic over-shifts, have agonizingly long meetings on the mound, etc.) It could remake MLB rosters, forcing each team to add a bunt specialist. It could affect seasonal records for offensive production. And the most insidious part of this plan is what it won't do: Speed up the regular game.

Nope. Not by one millisecond.

Like last year's plan for automatic intentional walks, this fake proposal has no impact on the length of regular games. It's just a way for the owners to protect their investments - pitching elbows - and squeeze a little extra cash from the endless money teat most of them have suckled since birth. 

If baseball really wants to speed up the game, here's an idea: Cut one 30-second TV commercial from between each half-inning - that's 9 minutes, right there - in games being broadcast on subscriber-financed channels, like YES. They can keep the extra commercials on nationally televised games. But when teams are already gouging their fans with high cable fees, let them cut back on in-game commercials and move the action along.

Of course, we all realize where such blaspheme is destined. If we know anything about professional sports, it is that once an advertising opportunity is born, it never goes away. And once a money-making "experiment" is unveiled in spring training, it inevitably becomes part of the game.

But you know what? As a fan, maybe there is something worth living to see:

The day of reckoning. 

The day when the NFL pays for all the skulls it cracked, when the NCAA faces its vast academic hypocrisy, when the last youth coach pedophile is locked away and when the Lords of Baseball finally lose their grip on us, because being billionaires simply wasn't being rich enough. Take your vitamins, comrades. It's a ways off, but if you squint, you can almost see it from here.