Virtual Baseball: Virtual Rainout! Kubek Is Out, New Rehab Doc for Yanks.

The Virtual Yankees were virtually rained out tonight at the Stadium as this weird, unnaturally cold and rainy spring continued.

"Strange, this weather," Manager Ma Boone remarked tonight.  "I've never seen Mother Nature throw something like this at us before.  Well, at least we know now that we can withstand the very worst that the natural world has to throw at us."

Meanwhile, the Yankees also announced that they were replacing the director of their rehabilitation program, Mark Quisedesade, now that every single player on the DL had re-injured themselves during the "recovery" process.

"They did.  But oh, how they squirmed, how their flesh writhed and slunk from the lash!" said Mr. Quisedesade, who also noted that he didn't see how any therapist could be expected to work with such terrible x-ray, cat scan, and MRI equipment:  "I mean, I'm a sadist, but c'mon!"

The new director of rehab will be Dr. Oz, the television personality and pseudo doctor who, many years ago, actually operated on Yankees pitcher David Cone and managed not to kill him.

The popular quack, who recently told reporters that reopening schools offered an "appetizing opportunity" to test the spread of the coronavirus while killing "only" 2-3 percent of students, expressed his pleasure at getting to work with the many injured Yankees who, coincidentally, now make up 2-3 of the U.S. population.

"You know, Clarisse, I've always found professional athletes to be delicious, too," said Oz, before making odd sucking sounds.

The Yankees also thanked Stand-in-for-John announcer Tony Kubek for his work, but informed him that his services would no longer be needed.  Kubek had reportedly displeased the Yankees brass when, during his on-field interview with Mike King after King's thrilling—if extended—no-hitter over the Pirates yesterday.

Instead of asking King what he was throwing, Mr. Kubek launched into a diatribe about the disparity of wealth in the United States, climate change, the monster hornet, and how unfair it is that certain teams never did learn how to properly drag their infields.

Taking the place of the former rookie of the year will be random recordings of Phil Rizzuto made over the years.  While some critics questioned just how this would contribute to the daily broadcast, the Yankees said they were not concerned.

"Since nothing Phil said had much to do with what was going on at the moment, we feel his recorded voice will be just fine," said a Yankees spokesthing.