Our Problems Are Solved: The Unuly Mop Squad Is on It

The New York Yankees held a press conference to let the world know that Hal Steinbrenner met with and questioned players over whether Aaron Boone should return as Yankees manager.

In the best imitation of his father anyone has heard to date, Hal was quoted as saying "We had a winning season ... That's not an accomplishment, that's a requirement!"

During the press conference, Steinbrenner intimated that he had taken "40 pages of notes" following the team's end-of-season meetings, which he said at times were "heated".  Mr. Steinbrenner's interview was interrupted several times with Mr. Steinbrenner's admonishing Randy Levine to "Stop eating the crayons!  I need to fill up more notebook pages!"

Steinbrenner was also quoted as saying the team is relying "heavily" on Omar Minaya and Brian Sabean, the former general managers who were hired last offseason.  Messrs. Minaya and Sabean declined to comment although they did roll their eyes a few times, particularly when Mr. Steinbrenner announced that New York hired Zelus Analytics for a yearlong review of its practices.

In a surprising statement that actually simulated a basic understanding of the game, Steinbrenner shared Manager Boone's belief that the Yankees aren't teaching their hitters enough bunting skills as they come through the system.  As Steinbrenner relayed it, "Boone feels bunting will become more prevalent in the game again, and the Yanks are going to heed his advice and attempt to teach it better."

During the resulting confusion among the press, Mr. Minaya was seen furtively removing a Burnt Siena crayon from Hal's large 64-color box and writing "We should have signed Seager! We should have gotten Freddie Freeman! We ABSOLUTELY should have kept Ursela and Montgomery!  And we should have traded Stanton when he made the 2022 All-Star squad!" and then passing the note to Mr. Sabean.

Sabean, opting for a newly sharpened Fuschia, replied "And, yet, none of us are having 'heated' discussions about Cashman.  Kill me now."

Minaya added, "George Steinbrenner wouldn't have 'asked around' to see the obvious. His first move would have been to fire Hal. Sabean grabbed a Hot Magenta crayon from the box and scrawled "Amen!" on a coaster.

Levine ended the press conference by spitting out a crayon while yelling, "Wait! We were on a Zoom call? People could see us?"