Punchless

In the last couple of weeks the IIHIIF...c brain trust has done an outstanding job of identifying the issues with both the team and the front office. Hoss’ three-parter should be taught in Sports School as a primer on how to destroy an iconic franchise. Today, El Duque showed us that every potential solution opens up new avenues to misery as the Yankees have painted themselves into a corner worthy of Laurel and Hardy or The Three Stooges. 

To make matters worse (long term for the sport) Aaron Judge is starting to be included in “baseball decisions” as MLB continues down the path of turning itself into the NBA.  Shot/pitch clocks? Check. Pointless season where almost everyone makes the playoffs? Check. Stupid uniform days that exist solely to sell merch? Check. Star players being consulted on what to do next? See above.

To be fair, there is one thing I do like about Aaron Judge’s new role as LeBron James… I think it’s driving Brian Cashman insane. I wrote earlier that he is Queeging or, if he isn’t, he’s one missing bag of balls away. 

He used to think he was the smartest guy in the room, mostly because he was the only guy in the room. Now he’s not.

All of the above said, there is one more crisis that the Yankee fans are facing that has not been addressed. They are punchless. No, not their offense. Well yes, that too but I’m talking about punchlines. With the exception of Stanton, all the villains are gone. There’s really no one left to go after.

Gary Sanchez? He of the joke:

Q: What’s the safest place to stand at Gary Sanchez’s birthday party?

A: Inside the pinata.

Gone.

Joey Gallo? Gone. El Chapo? Evaporated.

Even quirky players we kind of liked like Harrison Bader with his Arthur Murray dance moves in the outfield and questionable mouth guard antics… he's spitting the bit somewhere else.

Yeah, having two Oswaldos was worth a JFK reference but does anybody reading this dislike them?

DJ and Rizzo are past their prime but had solid careers. It’s not their fault that they are aging into the downside. 

Besides, that describes pretty much everyone here.

Donaldson? Done. Gleyber? Can anyone top Suzyn Waldman’s comment that she thinks that sometimes Gleyber thinks he’s invisible? I know I can’t.

Seriously, the Yankees are pretty much a likeable team. They are just bad.

I don’t want to make fun of journeymen or AAAA guys playing above their level, getting in their cup of coffee as they have fleeting moments of competence as they earn health care for life. 

Or pitchers who, after being traded for, get injured so quickly that we can barely remember their names, much less develop the deep seeded animosity and disappointment that serves as the fertile ground for humor.

Knock. Knock

Who’s there?

Lou Trivino

Lou Trivino who?

Exactly.

The team is down to two players worthy of ridicule, Stanton and Rodon. Stanton seems like a good enough guy. It’s not his fault that he has become absurdly slow on the base paths.

How slow is he?

Giancarlo Stanton is so slow that … I’m not going to dignify it with a joke. Because it’s sad.

And then there’s Rodon.  

Look, when we got him, he was the second best pitcher available. I’m pretty sure most of us were on board even if we did give up A LOT of pitching depth. So far, he’s been a huge bust.

How huge a bust is he? Yeah, go ahead, do the easy one. We all know who she is.

But the truth is he is another one who was hurt, and I can’t get fired up until June of next year because he still might end up being good. Bad haircut though.

Oh well, I guess we’ll always have Boone and Cashman. That’s not a joke. We will always have Boone and Cashman.