Go ahead, put me down. Make it fast. Because just when you thought it could not get worse... well... go ahead, fire away.
Yesterday, the assembled brain trust of the Yankees - basically Hal Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman (the Yankee version of Doctor Dirty) - group-Zoomed with a Greek chorus of Gammonites to explain away 2023 and give hope for the future!
Basically, this is what they said:
1. The fans don't know shit.
2. Why do you even fucking talk to them?
3. The critics are just assholes.
4. We'd have made the playoffs if not for goddamm injuries.
5. We won more than we lost. Can't you shitheads be happy?
6. The Yankees are NOT too analytics-driven. Fuck that! And to prove it, we've hired an analytics firm to analyze the analytics.
7. Did we mention that fans don't know nothing?
8. Running the Yankees is not easy. There's a lot of things to do.
9. Anyone can criticize. It takes guts to say something positive.
10. We haven't practiced the bunt enough.
Yep. Number 10 is my personal fave. That's what Hal offered up when the writers pressed him for examples of changes that must me made. He blamed the farm system for not practicing bunts, and he attributed it to Aaron Boone, rather than issue such a harsh verdict from his mountaintop.
And, yeah, we saw banjo hitters swinging with Ruthian launch angles, driving balls to the warning track, while third basemen were practically in left field. The joke on the '23 Yankees was that, if they scored 10 runs, you wondered who hit the 10 solo shots? Anthony Volpe batted .209, but he hit 21 HRs. Was it worth it?
So, more bunts in '24. John Sterling will like that. The Bronx Bunters...
Now and then, you stare straight into the jaws of Hell, and see what's in store for all of us. That happened yesterday. We're one year into a long drought.
Shoot me.
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And all this time I thought gaslighting had something to do with that Ingrid Bergman movie.
Most Overlooked Quote: (from the Daily News)
"Cashman noted that counting on a better DJ LeMahieu and getting Stanton “up and running again” are things that the Yankees need in 2024. He also said that he wants the team to be more athletic, “but we’re pregnant with people on our roster already.”
Uh... pregnant? WTF does that even mean. Is Stanton pregnant? That would explain his lack of speed and need for months of bedrest.
Well Brian, NY is a blue state. I suggest you look into an abortion.
Here's another one. Same source...
"Cashman praised the job former hitting coach Dillon Lawson did in the minors and with player development, though he noted he became the GM’s first in-season firing due to his inability to connect with major league players. “Major league players at the big-league level, that’s like lions and tigers and bears, oh my,” Cashman said. “On the minor-league side, there’s a lot more control. That’s like a petting zoo.”
OK clearly the pressure is getting to him. Or he's insane. This was a Joe Judge level press conference.
On the news bite that I saw, Cashman raged that the Yankees have the smallest analytics department. I forget whether he said it was the smallest in MLB or in the A.L. or in the A.L. east. And he said they have the largest scouting department by contrast. Cashman unleashing his inner pit bull.
What an effing delusional turd! If their analytics department is tiny, maybe that's the part of the problem. If their scouting department is huge, maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe their analytics department has one college statistics intern working on weekends. Maybe their scouting department is an army of dunderheads. Quality ... not quantity!
Folks, it's much worse than I thought. The disease is incurable. It has progressed to full blown schizoid dementia. A lobotomy won't cure this. The only option left is ... euthanasia.
Cashman & Co. should just do hara-kiri. I volunteer to be his "second", the guy who stands off to the side and cuts off the head to prevent undue suffering of the suicide "victim". On second thought, perhaps I would default on my duty and just let the crazy disemboweled bastard suffer.
IIHIIFII...c Reporter: Mr. Cashman, there are rumors that certain Yankee players are doping. Someone has reported that the average size of a Yankee player's penis is 25% larger than the rest of baseball. And that the average size of a Yankee player's testes are 25$ smaller than the rest of baseball. It's well known that steroid use increases penis size whilst shrinking the testicles.
Cashman: We have the smallest penises in baseball! We have the largest testicles in baseball! I just hired a consulting firm, called the Woostingham Whoring Wenches to measure and record Yankee penis and testicular sizes and compare them to the rest of baseball. I have uploaded the data to the Yankee website, minus names, numbers, and positions, of course. Go and see for yourself!
Hahaha...they have the smallest analytics staff in baseball...okay then I'm sure the analytics team doing the audit will suggest hiring more analytics people then...FFS.
BTW, I knew of a former co-worker whose son worked (still might) for the KC Royals analytics staff. They have to sign a major league contract just like the players...
Cashman’s comments wavered between absurdity and arrogance.. He really embarrassed himself, and by extension all of us. I’d rather he just go the vanilla route that Steinbummer took. Also, the Audit was expected to last a year, and the firm conducting it was recommended by the team’s head of analytics, Mike Fishman. Kind of like having the Yakuza investigate the Mafia.
To paraphrase Tiny Tim, “God help us, every one!”
I won't bleep it. Ficking arrogant Brian Cashman.
I wonder if he knows the words to the Dennis Leary song, "I'm an Asshole." If not, he should learn it.
Amen to all of it, my friends! And you guys could keep me laughing at the end of the world. Which I expect shortly!
Here's the larger problem in a nutshell: The first step to fixing a problem is the recognition that there is a problem. All the Cashman-Steinbrenner delusional double-talk and excuse-making only reinforce the notion that both are condescending to their fanbase and contemptuous to anyone who suggests that there are common-sense ways to repair the damage. Common sense as in firing Cashman and becoming more involved as an owner.
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