Ten Things You Should Know about today's Eclipse Trip to Upstate New York.
1. When we say "Upstate," we don't mean frickin' Red Hook. Upstate begins when the Catskills are a flat green lump in the rearview.
2. Buffalonians actually despise Buffalo wings. They're greasy, messy, and you must lick yourself clean, because the city's tap water is not safe. Never order wings, or you will be identified as an outsider. That's dangerous.
3. It's still "the Carrier Dome," not whatever new name the corporate bigwigs decided to call it. If you're uncertain, just say "The Dome."
4. Don't go to the Dome to see the Eclipse. It's a dome, okay?
5. On major highways, you'll see exit signs for "Rest Stops." Avoid them, even if you're out of gas. They are elaborate traps set by communities of murderous psycho cannibals.
6. Avoid the area called "Utica-Rome." It is a war zone. The people of Utica hate the people of Rome, and vice-versa. This goes back to Woodstock '99, when Rosie Perez was booed off the stage. If you ask, they will deny this. That's because they are liars, every last one.
7. Whatever you do, don't go to a so-called "Wegmans." It looks like a grocery but is, in fact, an elaborate trap set by communities of murderous psycho cannibals. (It goes without saying that you must avoid their "veal cutlets.")
8. If in Buffalo, don't try to ingratiate yourself by speaking hopefully about the Bills. People there absolutely hate the team. The city is a huge secret fan base for the New England Patriots. If you have Bill Belichick swag, be sure to wear it.
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9 comments:
"murderous psycho cannibals"
I always thought that Stuckey's Pecan Log Rolls were designed to slow you down. Now I know why.
"Utica-Rome." It is a war zone. The people of Utica hate the people of Rome, and vice-versa. This goes back to Woodstock '99"
Woodstock 99 BC... When Rosilus Perreleuz (the kids loved putting the z at the end of words) first played the original Apollo. Or was it played with, the Original Apollo. I wasn't there.
And God forbid, stay away from the entire "Capital District." Just keep driving North or West. The cities of Albany, Schenectady and Troy are full of knuckle-dragging, brow-jutting, rage-driven killers. They will tear you apart, steal your car and sell it for parts to New York City yuppies living in Hudson (who they hate, but will take their money).
Schenectadians will incessantly whip you with electrical cords while they chant about General Electric's betrayal. Trojans will force you to wear celluloid shirt collars. And Albanians...good God, don't even ask.
Stick to Syracuse, parts of Rochester or, if you have the nerve, Binghamton's SUNY campus. Maybe Ithica, which is protected by the ghost of Rod Serling.
Saranac Lake? Careful. You don't know what's in that water.
Fish pee in Saranac Lake. It's disgusting.
Where's the Department of Environmental Protection? Damn fish.
That game yesterday was a lot like watching paint dry, pulling teeth, killing vermin, skinning buffalo, sewing a new mask for Leatherface. Dull, repetitive, painfully slow-moving, endlessly inching along to its final destination.
The blind man with the grand salami. Now he's really never coming out of the lineup. And I wasn't joking, unfortunately, when I said Cashman might re-sign the blind man to a four year deal, after this contract finally expires. I don't quite get that pitch selection there. 2-2 count, everybody knows to throw off speed down and away to the blind man. Mayhap the Jays got paid off by the gamblers to lose.
Saw an interview with Sean Casey. He says the blind man "has his legs under him", meaning his legs are feeling good and his balance is there. We'll see, we'll see....
RIP, Jerry Grote.
JM - Was he eating a Pecan Log Roll at Stuckeys when the murderous psycho cannibals got him? Because that would suck.
Actually - RIP to Mr. Grote.
Why are inhabitants of Buffalo not simply called "Buffalo?"
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