From 2008: The Roger Clemens songbook, "Mitchell, the Feds and Congress"

From 2008, the height of the testimony before Congress
(Sung to the tune of "Lawyers, Guns and Money" by Warren Zevon)

Dropped my pants down to my ankles,
McNamee gave me a shot;
How was I to know
It wasn't B-12 that I got?

I put my trust in my trainer
To help me deal with pain;
Tell Mitchell, the Feds and Congress
I thought it was lidocaine.

I'm an all-time great right-hander,
No corners did I cut;
But Congress wants to see pictures
Of an abscess on my butt
... an abscess on my butt
... yeah, an abscess on my butt

Now I'm hiding out in Houston,
Recorder hooked up to my phone.
Tell Mitchell, the Feds and Congress
Leave me the hell alone!

Rocket Man

USA Today.

Excerpt of Conversation between Roger Clemens, Mindy McCready, Monica Lewinsky and Michael Jordan

FROM THE DAILY NEWS:

During another Big Apple excursion, the two holed up in the trendy SoHo Grand and later partied with Monica Lewinsky and Michael Jordan. McCready, according to a source, even bummed a cigar off His Airness to give to Clemens.

FROM THAT ENCHANTED EVENING...

MINDY: … and so when Rocket’s jet hits the tarmac, BLOOEY, his knee flies up and breaks my nose! It's just a dang accident, fer crissakes, but there's blood everywhere. You'd think I was some crazy lady. Say, anybody got OxyContin?

ROGER: Ha. Ain’t she something? I call her my "road trip honeybee," because she buzzes my hive with her sweet nectar. Speaking of nectar, who’s low on Rocket Fuel? You, Mona?

MONICA: Could you please freshen my 7&7.

MINDY: I was in a seven-on-seven once. A coupla Dallas Cowboy linebackers. Got myself two busted ribs and a Charley Horse. Wrote a song about it, “Hit Me Again and I’ll Have Your Truck.”

MICHAEL: I remember that song. Dennis Rodman used to warm up to it, wearing full bridal dress.

MINDY: I think I dated Dennis Rodman. I lost four teeth. They used to talk about him going to the backboard. What he really did was go to the bedboard.

ROGER: Hah. Ain’t she something? You should have seen her in 10th grade. Hey, none of you are with Child Protective, right? Good. So, Mona, when you’re not Presidential interning – you know, all that secret stuff you do for national security -- you follow baseball?

MONICA: A little. My friends call me Calvin Schiraldi, because I blew the Biggest Save of My Career.

ROGER: Well, heh, you stay away from that Bill Clinton. Listen, kid, you got something special, and that creep can't carry your shoes. Yeah, you may be a little chubby, but you got a major league strike zone. Tell you what: Look me up in Houston, and I'll line you up with Jose Canseco.

MINDY: Jose Canseco? He's got himself a twin brother, right? I think I dated them once. Broke my wrist with a tire iron. Hey, about that OxyContin...

Roger, Roger, Roger. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

So the Titan started lying to his wife when he was 28 and the "other woman(?)" was 15?

Roger Clemens seems to be making quite the career out of saying everyone on the planet misremembers reality except him.

Mindy McCready? No jokes here. Sad and sadder. Her bio reads like the lyrics to a bad country ballad, and when her life was a swampy mess, lurking somewhere in the slime was a Titan, a hero, a guy with a valuable rookie card.

Shocking allegations to be made in Canseco's next book

The concluding chapter in his trilogy will offer some stunners...

1. Derek Jeter once remarked, "Fiddledee-dee! Why should I care about poor people!"
2. A-Rod’s computer password is "Jessica."
3. Curt Schilling keeps dirty paperback novels in his locker.
4. Roger Clemens wife owns a coat made from Dalmatian puppies.
5. Randy Johnson once asked him for directions to the street where his steroids dealer lives.
6. Gary Sheffield often asks guys what lottery number they intend to play – then he plays it himself!
7. Cal Ripken takes CDs from the local library, rips them and makes copies without paying.
8. Behind his back, Manny Ramirez calls David Ortiz "Big Fatty."
9. Once, at a pool party, Tom Glavine claimed the water was "perfect," when in fact, it was really cold.
10. Johnny Damon is a snitch. You can't trust him with a secret.

Brian Bangs a Bus

If Brian McNamee had rear-ended the bus, it would have been almost perfect poetry. But alas ...

(Go to link for picture goodness)

OR....

On the first day of spring, in the borough of Queens,
Brian the Trainer smashed up two machines.
They had thought his days over for making a fuss,
But he fainted while driving and smacked up a bus...

Better Living Through Science

This week, we found out there are prescription drugs in our drinking water.

The real question is: are there enough?

Now you, too, can have the urine of a Major Leaguer. In fact, you may already have it.

Be seeing you?

Rocket may be wearing a new number soon.

Exclusive: Pre-edited excerpt from 60 MINUTES

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