Opening Day, huge crowd, a grand pageant of Americana, and the free world will be watching... Pineda

I'd like to think we are nearing a resolution on Michael Pineda - or maybe a better description is "tipping point." It's not that we have anyone to replace "Big Mike"in the rotation. It's just that, unless things change, we won't care.

We've earned a resolution. It's like a network TV series we've watched for five seasons, and we goddamn deserve an outcome. The bad guy needs to get blown up, and the hero needs to get laid. Trouble is, in this particular show, we're still not sure who the bad guy is. (Spoiler alert: I'm betting it's Pineda.) But, as stated above: Nobody cares. The season finale is looming. It's time for an outcome.

In spring training, Pineda artfully explained to the earnest Meredith Marakovitz how, in previous seasons, he lacked focus. Hence, this year he'd focus on maintaining focus, which is sort of like concentrating, but different, in that it requires focus, and focus is the key. Got that? Focus. Which is close to "fuck us."

We swallowed that Gammonitic slop and pretended to believe it, like receptionists at some Fox News sexual harassment awareness seminar. Yes, this was the year that Pineda "puts it all together" and "takes the next step" and "moves from a thrower to a pitcher" and - well - doesn't systematically choke every time he needs a crucial out. Right?

Then, in his opening game against the Rays, he gave up two two-out, two-strike hits and blew up like a frog in a microwave.

So... today... in front of the free world, (which could include the newly revived Trump and his falafel-toting wing man O'Reilly), Michael Pineda will take the mound against the same team that beat him last week. He'll have the chance to focus - to show the Rays he's learned to focus - yes, to fucking focus his fucking focus.

My friends, the end is near. Pineda is entering his personal No-Spin Zone.

Not that Team Cashman will dump him, if he fails. Regardless of what happens today, Pineda will get the month of April. (If the Yankees owned the Hindenburg, they would have re-inflated it and given it one more chance, thinking next time, it might float.) But unless Pineda starts gaining focus, well - the season finale is near. 

T.S. Elliot once said that what we think is the end often turns out to be the beginning. Well, if Pineda flops today, I predict both tabloid back pages will call for him to be sold to Elon Musk for the next Mars mission. The Yankiverse is bored with this show. The writing has grown stale, and the actors are already looking to their next project. Either Pineda steps up, or it's over. God knows, we've earned an outcome. 

Dear President Trump: If you want to take out Assad, don't forget your secret weapon

The problem with potential

Right now, we're suffering from unexpected injuries to young guys. These things happen.
But we currently have at least three guys on the roster who are there for their potential:  Severino, Pineda and Hicks.I think that's a waste of space, or at least a waste in the roles they currently have.

I'm watching the game today, and the Orioles' starter Miley is a great case in point. Michael Kay remarked that his career record is 58-59, but jeepers creepers, that's really weird because he has great stuff. The guy has a 4.18 ERA after well over 100 games as a starter, currently at 30 years old, in the middle of what charitably could be called the prime of almost any player. Boy, what stuff he has. And he's 58-59 with an ERA of 4.18, and the Orioles are still "working" with him.

I don't get it. Pineda is another, very obvious, case. 28 years old, 32-38, 4.03. You can say that 28 isn't very old, but if a pitcher hasn't figured a lot out by 28, he's not going to figure it out. I've said repeatedly that he's a head case who will always be what he is, but we stick with him...well, after all, he's got great stuff.

Severino is still a kid at 23, so maybe I'm being harsh and unfair. He might become a killer starter in the next couple of years. He might not. There's no evidence to support the idea that he will be to date, but you never know. What we do know is that he performed way beyond his starter results as a reliever. There's evidence he could be a truly above average or better reliever in some role. But they'll trot him out as a starter for a few more years, regardless if he never rises above what he is now. He's got great stuff, I guess.

As for Hicks, what can you say? 27 now, and never hit over .256 for a season in the bigs. Not a lot of power on display:  he had 11 HRs that year in 97 games. But they say he's a good fielder, has a good arm, is fast enough on his feet. The problem is, he can't hit, certainly not the way we need him to. Somehow, though, Cashman thinks he's going to "put it all together" at some point as a late bloomer. After all, he has "all the tools." He just has to "figure it out."

Many of us long-time fans sometimes console ourselves with the idea that the experts on the Yankees see what we cannot and know something we couldn't possibly divine. We do it in the face of all of the many, many times we knew the team was making a mistake in a trade or a signing or an assessment where we turned out to be 100% correct. Because we like to hope. That's kind of what being a fan is all about.

It's a great philosophy for a fan, but it's a terrible way to run a ballclub. We knew Pineda was mediocrity on a stick after one season. We can intuit that Severino will likely never be a quality starter, unless mediocre equals quality in your mind. But he could well be a damn fine reliever. And Hicks is what he is:  a .250 hitter if you're lucky, not a lot of power, decent fielder for sure, but not what we need unless he's a bench player. And even then, you might want a .250 player who hits for more power or has a .375 OBP, maybe.

Warren is a pet peeve of mine. He should be starting. He should have always been starting. When he was shuffled to the pen, he was the best starter we had that year at that point. Would he be a great starter? Probably not, but he'd be better than most of what we keep trotting out there. Right now, he shows up irregularly, is kind of mediocre at it, and will never be a starter again in this organization, if anywhere. The obvious move would be to move Sevvy into the pen and put Adam into the rotation, but that won't happen until it's too late to happen, at least for Warren.

Potential is a funny thing. It can turn a decent, useful player into a failure in your mind. It can justify using valuable roster slots that should go to younger players for their year or two to prove that they can perform. It could, theoretically, wreck a guy like Warren in the same way, his opening taken by somebody who will never be better or even as good as he would've been.

When you're talking about young guys, all you can talk about is potential. But when players have had three or four or more seasons, especially, to show what they can do, I think you cut bait if they don't, or put them in a role that their proven abilities show that they're suitable. And you move on to the next maybe.

That means you don't take on guys who you think you can "turn around." You don't keep trotting out guys in roles they aren't showing they're suited for. You stop hanging onto players who aren't giving you what you're looking for, and you send them to an organization that might have better luck or be the next sucker.

There are such things as late bloomers and magical turnarounds. But who has the time? And how many losses do you rack up while you wait for what's likely not to happen?

I Don't Mean To Be Negative

Duque is rational, knowledgeable, positive, careful, kind and wrong.

 It is time to panic.

1.  Bird will be out a month, minimum.  If he tries to come back too early ( and he will ), he'll wind up with plantar fasciitis.

2,  Sanchez will be out until the all star game.  The 10 day DL was just a stop-gap measure, until the Yankees can truly assess this bicep injury.  And, by the way, what might that do to his throwing ability?  When NFL players have torn similar muscles, they are done for the year.

3.  Judge will be out until he shows he can do something at the plate, which may be never.  Hicks is outplaying him right now, and the big guy just cannot be our DH/Pinch runner.

4.  Tanaka is a mystery.  One can only hope that mystery does not get "solved" through arm surgery.  Many of us have worried about the Yankees treatment regimen for him ( " he just needs rest, despite the small tear" ), since last season.

5.  Pineda is, pure and simple, a bum who hurts this team in every appearance. He should be traded for pretty much " a body, any body."  Time to elevate one of the young guys, and hold onto the railing.

6.  I , for one ( possibly the only one ), have yet to build much faith/hope in Luis Severino.  I thought he looked really good for four innings the other day, and almost began to believe.  Then, he tanked.  So, the jury is still out.

7.  With CC being our last, best hope, I am taking to drinking at 10:00am.

We still have Gardy, who is hot.  Jacoby who is cooling off.  Headley who is smart ( going to LF with his at bats, wherever possible ) , Starlin who won't walk, and Chris Carter at first.  Add in Romine and we have a pretty unimpressive offense.  Torreyes is admirably filling in, until we see Didi in late June.

Yes, we are going to see what this team is made of.  Can we " hold the fort" until re-enforcements arrive?   Or are we going to see smoke and fire from a great distance in last place?

It is time for unexpected to heroes to "step up."

Not the end of the world, but you can see it from here

Okay, well, I guess, um... here we are, folks! eight days into the season, and we're already bracing ourselves for the test results. Does this team have incurable cancer? Or is it just a case of the clap? We sit in the E.R. smoking lounge, waiting for the life or death news. Every time a doctor comes out, we lift our eyes and hold our breath. Well... juju gods... bring it on.

Let's see what this team has - right here, right now. Let's not wait until June or August. If this is yet another collapsed season of garage sales and disappointment - if we'll go into late July as sellers, rather than contenders - so be it. 

Let's do it now, not later. Let's see what we've got in the hearts of this team, rather than always be blathering about "potential." Our minor leagues are filled with "potential." (Just like every other team.) Right here, right now... let's get a bead on what 2017 can deliver.

Thus far, it's been nothing but pain. In the last 48 hours, we have lost our best young hitters (Sanchez and Bird), our best pitching prospect (Kaprielian), and probably the most intriguing prospect in our system (Dillon Tate, the high-ceiling pitcher we obtained from Texas last summer for Carlos Beltran; he's out with a shoulder injury.) We have lost four miserable games, each one a waterboarding session. Our rotation is terrible, and the bullpen is getting there.

The only positive thus far is that it's too early to give up. But every hopeful '17 projection came with the whispered caveat that this team's young players needed a good start - that we couldn't afford to fall behind in April/May, and now - well - it might be happening, right before our eyes.

So let's test this team - right here, right now. Let's see what we've got. It's too early to panic, but not to search our souls. Today's AL division leaders are Baltimore, Minnesota and the Angels - none will last long. Win a couple games, and all the terror goes away. Win a few, and by Easter, we can be laughing about this. But Gary Sanchez won't be catching. And something better change fast.

Think I've Lost My Touch?

A young man named Gary Sanchez will be with me for about two months, I'm told.

Good fucking luck with that!

I Just Want You All To Know, That I a m Still Lurking, Right Near BY

The Austin boy is already resting on a soft nest, in my lair.  We have his foot propped up.  He is 4-6 weeks away, and that is an optimistic view.

So is...." what's his name?"  Didi somebody?

And when did Mason Williams get here?  ( I have been on vacation in the New Hebrides, and have some " catching up " to do).

We have also just reserved a spot for James Kaprielian, and I expect him to be a long term guest.  I promise, we will treat him well as he adds another year or more to his baseball career, with no stats to regard.

Today, if you are watching, there is talk of Greg Bird's foot.  Sure, X-rays were negative.  But he was injured by a ball in St. Petersburg, Florida.  quite a while ago.  And that foot, still barking, is now the " official" reason for his absence today. I would rather we hear, " he is pressing and needs a day off."  But that is not the "word." Another Doctor has been summoned to review the case.

I took Greg to the swamp last year and we had quite a visit.  Nice young man. A bit "star-crossed," though.  And an ailing foot can be tricky.  They are a lot like wrists.  Lots of tiny, inter-mingled bones.  One fracture, and you can't play ball.  I believe he will be coming for an extended stay. And we all had such great hopes for him.

It is going to be a lengthy season, so I have assembled cousins and friends, and we are all gathering reeds to dry in the sun. They will make fine nests for the next Yankee wounded, soon to arrive.

Yours in regret,

The Black Swan

Claiming A Do-Over

I recently sent a text to El Duque, as the team was collapsing into a loss, that I wanted to re-vise my projection for the season.

My new win total is 48 games ( as opposed to the 86  I submitted).

In order for me to get official credit for my new projection, I had to invoke the " do-over " clause of the  IIHIIFIIC constitution ( and one must invoke this option before 8 official games are on the
books ), but it seems worth it.

 For others who may wish to do the same, let me advis,e in advance,  that the legal fees are substantial.  To me, however,  paying any cost is worth avoiding a horrifying humiliation due to  over-reaching optimism.  I will be drinking Seagrams VO instead of Crown Royal, but I 'll just drink more and not notice.

 I had originally posted 86 wins.  Clearly, I wasn't drinking Crown Royal when I proffered that number, I was drinking Kool Aid issued by some cult leader, wearing special sneakers, on a remote island location, dreaming of heaven.

Greg Bird is soon going to be replaced, despite the Yankee brass claims to the contrary.  It could happen today.  We shall hear that, " Greg is pressing a bit."   Yes sirs, we get the Goliath at first base.  Defense takes a day off.  But Bird looks over-matched, physically and mentally.  I am beginning to think he needs glasses.  He is missing pitches straight down the middle of the plate, as if his bat becomes a bunch of dis-connected atoms when he swings.  Invisible, and nothing but air.

Not to mention, I think Bird has been talking too much to Mark Texiera.  The shift has him flummoxed.  He actually laid down a pretty good bunt the other day, except that he got into the bunt position whilst the pitcher was still rubbing up the ball.  Thus, the Birds third baseman had plenty of time to get in position to field it and throw him out.

But here's a thought:  try it again only disguise it longer.

Sanchez is obviously a hitter, despite his slowish start, and he is starting to show it.  Judge needs a lot more time, too.  The league has already realized that ankle level pitches look good to him, and he is flailing his way to an " Aaron Hicks " sit-down.  Come on Aaron.  Adjust.

I hesitate to  even mention Torreyes who despite the surprise homer, isn't hitting a lick and does not possess what anyone would call, " a gun," for an arm.  So we have three guys in the line-up
 hitting; .063, .133, and .091.  Just remember folks, I lamented the brilliant "management" decision to pass on Wade and give the job to Torreyes.  Meanwhile, Wade, like so many, has been sitting in Hooters, downing cheeseburgers, awaiting the weather to clear.

Time to panic?  All the sages say, " of course not.  It is much too early."  Last place by a few games at this point, means nothing.

I say;  time to panic.  We could not hold a 4 run lead yesterday, with 4  innings in the book.  Our number 4 starter " almost" had a nice outing ( 1 run in 5 innings.)  But, seriously, folks, for a 23 year old ( 22, 24, 25? ) that is not a," good outing."  Seven innings and 1 run is a, "good outing."

Pineda looks like the duufuss, dumbfuck that he is.  And who knows what befell Tanaka?  Another one win and three losses run by these guys, not to mention a soon-to-be overworked Adam Warren, and Cashman will start trading prospects.

So I am projecting a dung heap collapse, based upon what we have thus far witnessed.  No pitching, little offense, and braindead ownership are a lethal combination.  Just look at the Knicks. This Yankee team would likely beat them in basketball, and the Knicks would like beat us in baseball.

48 wins, and I am sticking with it.

Note to Hal;  that will likely not get us into the one game play-in roundtable.  See you at Davos.

Guess what? Boston has no bullpen

This from the Redsock '17 Hall of Fame Superteam of Destiny (TM):

"An improbable Red Sox rally was reduced to rubble when three different relievers failed to get the final out of the eighth inning, letting the Tigers come right back to beat the Red Sox, 6-5, in their series opener at Comerica Park."

At edge of 2017 precipice, Yanks face make or break weekend in Baltimore

It's now or never! Today, Joe Girardi must tickle his binders like the 2017 season is on the line... because it is! And if that means using El Chapo in the 4th, well, this call to the bullpen is brought to you by Hades, god of the underworld. So bring him in, Joe! And Betances, too. They're just catching fleas in the bullpen. We damn well can't afford to fall 3.5 games behind Baltimore with only 157 games left!

The April 30 trade deadline looms, and we've been crushed by the rain-outs in Trenton and Scranton, which have kept Mickey Frazier and Bryce Gleyber from lacing up their already legendary cleats. And that's not the worst news. Not by a long shot. Fact is, no sooner did I finally figure out how to spell his last name, then James Kaprielian is seeing the surgeon, bringing along his new MRI screen-shots, which look like that bombed Syrian airbase. Trenton hasn't even played a game, and our best pitching prospect is likely done for 2017 and half of 2018. At this rate, we'll finish the season with Cito Culver in the rotation.

Actually, several tied at one HR.

Last night, with two outs in the ninth, Girardi invoked the dreaded "nuclear option:" He pinch-hit Chris Carter for the zombified Greg Bird. Chris the Miss slapped the first pitch to third, bringing a merciful ending to a show that, were it a new series on Netflix, wouldn't be worth a rainy weekend binge. 

In the YES Post-Game Center for Yanksplaining Losses, Jack Curry looked like he had just drank the tonic that makes his hair stand up that way. Watching Curry and "Flash" Flaherty struggling to summon positives was like watching hostages begging for ransoms that Hal Steinbrenner will never pay. Sorry, boys, where do you want your heads sent?

Four games in, and whatever happened to the scions of spring? A week ago, the IBS lady was enchanting us, and the Gammonites were breathless over the "competition" between Aaron Hicks and Aaron Judge - the two Olympian gods battling for RF. The Yankee brass was marveling over Hicks' resurrection; his batting average stood around the magical .270! We were penciling in Bird for 30 HRs and waiting for the next sighting of Melania.

Now, suddenly, Yankeegeddon looms... in April, no less. Good grief. Unless somebody lights a fire under this team - where's the reanimated ghost of George? - we'll soon start wondering if Brian Cashman can trade El Chapo again, maybe for another Gleyber. If the rain ever stops in Trenton, maybe we'll have something to watch. Dear god, only 157 games left.

The New Andy Brackman

I have already had a conversation with Dr. Andrews, and he agrees with my assessment that surgery is the likely outcome for James Kaprielian's barking elbow.

So, he is, " done and dusted," for this season, and likely the next.

It brings me back to Brian Cashman's number one pick in the 2007 draft, when he selected Andy Brackman, knowing that "Tommy John " surgery was already scheduled.  That stroke of brilliance was only surpassed by Cashmans' selection of the pitcher who had informed the Yankees that he was going to UCLA.  " So what, " said Brian.  And he drafted him anyway.

In both cases, a rational human would say, " you aren't going to get anything out of either of these players."  But Brian knew better.  He is paid millions to know better. He is rewarded for incompetence.

Two years after the 2007 draft ( and the surgery ), Andy announced his decision to play professional basketball in Croatia. The other kid pitched for the Bruins and, upon graduation, signed with another MLB team.

And, need I say it?  The Yankees got nothing out of either top pick.

James Kaprielian doesn't quite have the height of Andy Brackman, but he has a better jump shot.
Brian Cashman has neither height, nor a jump shot.  Nonetheless, I wish he would go to Croatia.

Once again, although it may not sound like it, I am being positive.

For two years, the Yankees boasted about selecting James Kaprielian, and now...

Pinstripe pride and the power... The House that Ruth built... Monument Park... the greatest tradition in sports... 

If anything still separates the Yankees from the garbage plate teams of baseball, it is hubris - a word chiseled from the darkest Greek tragedies: "Excessive pride or defiance of the gods, which leads to Nemesis." 

Yep. Our old pal, Nemesis - who masquerades as Chris Sale, Justin Verlander, King Felix and a host of others, stemming back to the days of Frank Lary, "the Yankee killer." 

Somehow - between the glad-handling politicians, the paid sycophants of YES, the increasingly withered press corps and an aging, all-forgiving fan base - the Yankees still project a grand image of success. Read their self-generated "news" clippings, and you would never guess that the franchise is now mired in one of the worst stretches in team history.

We are two years away from actually challenging for a World Series, and if certain youngsters flop, we could be saying the exact same thing in 2020. Our owner is bent upon cutting payroll to small market levels, while deluding himself into thinking the Yankees can simultaneously contend and rebuild. If the franchise's narcissism were a painting, it would be A-Rod with a centaur's body. 

And Thursday was a really, really bad day. 

The Yankees announced that James Kaprielian, our highest draft pick in a generation two summers ago, will have an MRI on his pitching elbow. This comes after he missed almost all of 2016 with the same problem. They rested him. It didn't work. Something is seriously wrong, and usually, these matters end up with a scalpel and a scar. 

For the last eight months, the Yankees have touted their farm system, generating near-universal praise for the front office. For two years, the leadership took bows for its incredible foresight in drafting Kaprielian, who was a consensus first round pick. They are now beating the drums for Blake Rutherford, last year's top pick. If you read press releases, you'd think the Yankees have displayed godlike skills in drafting top talent. 

Here are their last 10 years of first-round picks.

2016: Rutherford... Now being heavily hyped, often with a suggestion that the Yankees outsmarted all the other teams, since he was drafted at number 18. He's at low single A. Last night, he went one for three with two walks and a stolen base. Get used to updates: From now on, the Yankiverse will watch his every box score.

2015: Kaprielian... Suddenly - well, it has to be said - a potential washout. Yes, some do come back from surgery, and we cannot dismiss his character and his drive. But if he requires Tommy John surgery, well... all bets are off.

2014: Kyle Holder... Great glove at shortstop, questionable bat. He played 3B last night in Florida, a sign the Yankees are grooming him as a utility infielder. Let that sink in: First round pick = utility infielder.

2013: Aaron Judge, Ian Clarkin, Eric Jagielo... Judge remains The Great Hope, in part because the others have faded. Clarkin is a middle-of-the-pack starter (he missed a year with a tired arm.) Jagielo - our first pick - was traded to the Reds for Aroldis Chapman. He just hasn't hit, and they have turned him into a first-baseman: Bad sign.

2012: Ty Hensley... A Job-like career, injuries upon injuries. I don't know what he did in the past life. Sad situation. Wish him well. He is gone.

2010: Cito Culver... Poster boy for questionable Yankee choices. He remains at Scranton, signed this winter as a minor league free agent. Never hit. If lucky, first round pick = utility infielder.

2009: Slade Heathcott... Kept running into walls, some of which he created himself. Gone. 

2008: Gerrit Cole... Ultimate hubris. He warned the Yankees he was going to UCLA. He told them not to draft him. They did anyway. He went to college. Oh well... 

Maybe I'm just still just depressed about Kaprielian. What a gut punch. In their hubris-laden hype, the Yankees had him arriving this September, and maybe next year becoming a starter. Now... sigh.

Tell me, though: Under what metric does the Yankee front office deserve the heaping dollops of praise that it so relentlessly bestows upon itself? Somewhere, there must be a painting of Hal Steinbrenner on a centaur?

It's Elementary

It's high time for some pointless sleuthing concerning Clint Frazier and Mantlegate.

Yankee fans NEED TO KNOW who told Suzyn Waldman that prospect Clint Frazier wanted to un-retire the Mick's jersey and muck up the collar area with piles of his unkempt red hair.

We can assume that a professional like Suzyn wouldn't repeat such an explosive story unless she heard it from someone in the Yankee front office or someone in the Yankee clubhouse.  People in these areas would be the only ones who could possibly have first-hand knowledge of the alleged incident.  

Let's use these assumptions to narrow our list to about three dozen possible perps.  If we coolly and rationally assess the motive, opportunity, and general character of the remaining suspects, we might just arrive at the truth.




Brian Cashman: Maybe.  Perhaps Cashman was trying to make it easier for management, fans, and others to embrace a possible trade of Frazier for another sorely needed DH that he had been planning before the leak.

10% probable







Lonn Trost: Maybe.  As demonstrated last year during PrimeSeatgate, Trost can be an irresponsible, elitist jerk.  With just that much info, we can accurately determine the probability that Trost was the leaker.

10% probable.

Prince Hal Steinbrenner: Maybe, but probably not. Prince Hal avoids Yankee games and facilities like the plague and probably doesn't make it a habit to speak with the help.

2% probable.








Joe Girardi: Almost certainly not.  Such a move is not in the binders.

0.25% probable.

Anonymous Player: Yeah, it's possible someone in the clubhouse was rubbed the wrong way by Frazier, but we have no way of knowing who that might be.  Also, outside of hazing an annoying rookie, I can't figure out the motive any player might have for slaying a youngster like this.  Players are fun-loving sorts ― and some of them really hate the media ― so let's say that one of them might have thought this would be a good giggle.

Probability 20%.

Jennifer Swindal: Hmmmmmm. Now we might be on to something.  Miss Jennifer was on-record as saying she didn't like Frazier's hair and, because this didn't happen in North Carolina, she might have run across Suzyn in the ladies loo and whispered a secret or two in her ear.  That gives her both motive and opportunity.

45% probable.

Randy Levine: Levine is still stinging from the PR debacle he unleashed following the Yankees arbitration victory over Dellin Betances.  Levine also had motive to cause someone else with red hair to be more hated by New Yorkers than himself.  Plus Levine is a clown.

Probability 99.7%.

Except for the Randy Levine analysis, none of the above is based on science.  You didn't hear it from me and nothing's in writing.  Make of this what you will.

Hint: It was Randy Levine.

Twilight of the gods

Take a moment of silence, you hockey pucks.

Black Thursday

Our best pitching prospect.

He was going to be our September surprise.

Latest Prediction - Frazier Will Be Our Next Jay Buhner

As I watched Tampa out-gun and outplay us yesterday, I was reminded of a vision I had a few years back.

" The hairless Yankees cannot win."

Almost every dude on the Rays, and on nearly every team we play, shows up with a full beard, as though they had just hiked the Appalachian trail from Maine to Georgia.

We, on the other hand, look like we were just dropped off in our mother's car pool, freshly showered, and wearing a new shirt from Lord & Taylor.

Frazier was a terror in the minor leagues with his curly, shoulder length " dreadlocks."  Now, like Samson, he is shorn and shiny.  And back in Scranton.

He is a fiery guy and will not take well to this Steinbrenner mandate.  The CHEAP ONE ( Hal, the inheritor ) is unyielding on this one policy of his fathers ( as opposed, for example, to the one that requires winning );  "no Yankee will look unkempt with respect to facial hair or head hair.  All will have $3000 haircuts like the Evangelical Vice President of America."

In the end, Frazier's wrath will evidence itself, and will piss off the Yankee brass.  Frazier's response may well be a less than stellar performance, or "acting out" in a Hooters brawl.  But it will happen. And the Yankees, being otherwise impotent with respect to creative or realistic ideas, will include him in a trade for a starting pitcher.

Needless to say, said pitcher will be far worse than any we have in Scranton, but will play due to another outrageous contract.

Meanwhile:

Frazier will become the next Jay Buhner, and he will haunt us, embarrass us and defeat us for the next 12-15 seasons.

Mark my fuk***g words.

And I am being upbeat.

What was Suzyn thinking when she leveled the most incendiary charge that could possibly be made in the Yankiverse?

The episode seems to have passed - Clint Frazier did NOT do the unthinkable, and request to wear Mickey Mantle's number - but I'm still WTFing over a fake news story, which sounds like something hatched by Vlad Putin's teen strike force in Macedonia.

Suzyn Waldman - of all people - told radio listeners a rumor so toxic that it could have basically killed Frazier's chances in New York. It sounded like Ian Kennedy times ten. (Remember how Kennedy, as a rookie, supposedly pissed off the Empire by not humbling himself enough after a bad outing? His trade ticket was punched.) Nobody - not even Bryce Harper - could come to NYC and demand number seven without setting off a firestorm. And if you suggest that an unproven rookie did such a thing - yeesh, you're stabbing him in the back.

Add to it that Frazier already had dipped a toe across the line with his long red hair, which the Yankees demanded he cut. This would have been a knockout blow to his chances of ever being cheered in New York.

So the question is simple: Who stabbed this kid in the back, and why? Somebody told Suzyn that volatile falsehood (she has since apologized.) And why did she go public with it? This didn't come from a beat reporter. It was Suzyn - who treats every Yankee like a son - and she surely understood the implications:

You don't compare yourself to Mickey Mantle. You don't ask for Mickey Mantle's number. You don't tangle with the memory of Mickey Mantle. And yet she spread the rumor on the radio. Wow.

It was on Deadspin within two hours. 

So what happened here? Are the Yankees institutionally unwilling to accept a brash, confident - perhaps arrogant - rookie? Because Frazier won't be the only one. And of three young pitchers that we once had - Ian Kennedy was the one most worth keeping. 

Wither goest Jesus Montero?

Last night, shortly after Michael Pineda surrendered two two-strike, two-out base hits, thereby maintaining his status as the Easter Island of Yankee pitchers, my phone dinged with this text message from Alphonso.

"Are you watching Pineda? This is why we lost in the Jesus trade. Jesus isn't hurting whoever owns him."

It was the first of seven angry and hurtful texts directed at the '17 Yankees, leading up to Alphonso cruelly calling our team's young hitters "CLOWN COLLEGE!" I cannot reprint the entirety of his bile-filled screeds, because it would violate IT IS HIGH's new policy of staying upbeat in all matters regarding the '17 Yankees, aka "the bridge to 2019."

Still, it is both amazing and heart-wrenching to consider that, six years after the historic deal, we are still debating whether the Yankees "lost" the swap of Michael Pineda for Jesus Montero - alias the Lusitania for the Titanic... or herpes for shingles. It was 2011 when Brian Cashman - no kidding - said Montero "may well be the best player I ever traded." We received Pineda, who promptly tore his shoulder, leading to surgery, then a DWI arrest, then a suspension for slathering himself with pine tar, then various muscle strains and finally, last year - while finishing sixth in the AL in strikeouts - going 6-12 and giving up 27 HRs.* 
  
(*You know, it occurs to me that longtime Yank fans would be so much happier if there was an electro-shock treatment or lobotomy that simply deletes all these useless, crapola memories. Thus, instead of dwelling upon the events leading to our current situation, we could simply clap when the scoreboard says "NOISE" and root for the team, like goldfish. Alas...)

For the record, Jesus Alejandro Montero Lopez last year hit .317 for the Buffalo Bisons and was named to the International League All-Star Team. However - and with Jesus, aka "Ice Cream Sandwich," for his eating habits, there is always a "however" - he then tested positive for Canseco juice and is now serving a 50-game suspension with his new employer, the Orioles. 

So the philosophical questions are: 1) Would the Yankees still be better off if Pineda never walked through our clubhouse door? 2) Could Montero - now 27 - still resurrect his career, a la Steve Pearce, Bill Robinson, et al? and would it matter, because this is his fifth team, and he would never have lasted six years in NYC? (There simply weren't enough ice cream sandwiches.) 

It's a question for the ages: Which is worse, diarrhea or abdominal pains? And does it matter if one team suffered less cramping than the other? I will say this, though: Seattle ditched its IBS three years ago. We still can't quit Pineda.

So... upbeat blog posts! WE MUST MAINTAIN HOPE!

How 'bout that Chase Headley! Two for three last night, still has yet to pull a ball to right. Another few weeks, and so long over-shift! And Jacoby Ellsbury! Three for four last night with a HR - our only run because - um - let's not discuss the others. And Adam Warren! Two games, four and two-thirds innings, six strikeouts and no earned runs! The whole bullpen, solid, especially considering that the starters - um... 

Here's a positive thought: Something has to break. The Pineda Doomsday Clock just moved to a minute before midnight. This cannot go on much longer. So... tomorrow night... Luis Severino? Alphonso will be watching.

Pineda on the mound tonight

Sometimes, a slider is just a slider.

From the mouths of babes

Clint Frazier reportedly asked the Yankees if he could wear - gulp - number 7.

Well, lack of confidence will not be a problem.

Could Chase Headley break the over-shift and lead a new Yankee awareness?

WTF? Is this a dream? An acid trip? Did somebody slip me a Molly? (Or maybe an Edith?) That would explain crazy Trump, and that click-bait slideshow where the guy kisses the alligator... but it fails to explain the weirdest development, by far, of 2017: The Lenten resurrection of one Chase Headley, heretofore an officially designated IT IS HIGH Whipping Mule. (TM) What the hell is going on here? Is this real, or is it Memorex? 

Last night, batting left-handed and facing a heavily stacked right-field defensive over-shift, Headley did the following: 

Flew out left.
Lined out to left.
Homered to center.
Singled to left-center.

Thus far this season, not one of Headley's batted balls has landed in the defensive black hole that swallowed his entire 2016 season. 

Last year, it took him 12 games to record his fifth hit. This year, it came in his ninth at bat.

So, like I say, is this some salmonella delirium? Am I lying in a hospital bed, and the nurse is wondering why my fingers are twitching? Is Headley really bunting, adjusting his swing - hitting to the wide open opposite field? And if so, could other Yankees get the message?

It's almost as if Headley has been listening to John Sterling, who commonly laments the Yankees' inability to move base-runners or simply lay down gift bunts. The Master always reminds us that, if were so easy, everyone would do it. Unfortunately, that line grew stale a long time ago. In recent years, the slugging, big money Yankees simply didn't deem it worth their while to try hitting dribblers to the opposite field. The only player last year to give it a go was Brian McCann, and he only did so sparingly, to break out of slumps. A-Rod and Tex never bothered, and now both call games from the booth.

Already, we see Tampa stacking its defense against Greg Bird - amazing, considering that the guy hasn't played six weeks of major league ball. Will Bird swing harder, drive balls into the teeth of the defense, and bat .220? Or will he look at Headley and make an adjustment? Or... yeah... am I lying in a sensory deprivation tank?

Of course, The Master is right. If it were only so easy... But in this altered consciousness, Headley is hitting .625 with a homer, and at least three of his five hits have been measly trickles... that look like line drives in the box score. Can a Yankee player actually change his ways? That's the question of 2017 - that is, if it's really happening.

The $#@%#$ Padres are keeping Luis Torrens

From now on, San Diego tops my shitlist. That town deserves to lose its NFL team. What a bunch of scumbags.

The Padres have decided to phone-in 2017 and play the entire season with a 24-man roster. The team will keep fourth catcher Luis Torrens, a 20-year-old catching prospect taken from the Yankees in the Rule 5 draft, for the entire year. He cannot be sent down to the minors, or he reverts back to the Yankees. So he will ride the pines.

Not only will they fail to give their fans a major league caliber team, but the Padres will deny Torrens from playing daily baseball for the season. Keep in mind that he missed all of 2015 due to an injury. Thus, he will have sat out two of the last three seasons... just what a promising 20-year-old needs.

Clearly, they are already playing for the first draft pick in June of 2018. I hope they win 70 games and end up in third, ruining their chances. 

Two days until Scra-Tren!

Get ready, everybody! She's almost here! Opening day! 

At 2:05 p.m. Thursday, the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Railriders will hit the frosty tundra of Buffalo to defend the 2016 Governor's Cup, the least coveted symbol of achievement in professional baseball. Later that day, at 6:35 p.m., - give or take a few white-outs - the Thunder of Trenton - home to America's great gastro disciplinarian, the "ox of anti-Oxycontin," national pill-czar Chris Christie - will set out to conquer the eerie folk of Erie, Pa.

That day, we might just become a Scranton-Trenton blog - Scrantren! - because of the outside chance that the mother ship already too heavily resembles the also-rans of 2016... and 2015... and 2014... and 2013... and beyond...

Listen: A few bad days in Tampa won't kill the 2017 Yankees. Sure, Alphonso will scream and moan - hell, we all will - but we've enough Colt 45 Malt Liquor in our ancient veins to know that early April doesn't matter in such a long, grueling season. The 1961 Yankees sucked in April. Perhaps the greatest Yankee opening day in history belongs to Russ Derry in 1945. (Two HRs to beat Boston.) Yes, these games count, but they just don't matter. (Case in point: What if we win today and lose Gary Sanchez for six months? Which matters?) 

But there's a really important reason TrenScran is more interesting: We can't see the outcome from here.

We already know what Gardner, Ellsbury, Headley, Castro, etc. will do: In a good season, their averages will jump 10 to 20 percent. In a bad year, they'll drop accordingly. We've seen the movie. That's why yesterday's depressing Fivethirtyeight report on plummeting Yankee popularity missed one critical element: 

The problem is not just that the Yankees haven't been winning: It is that they have been fucking boring. They remain a team of pre-destined mediocrity.

For that, we blame the front office - especially an owner, who seems destined to follow his father's early and incompetent footsteps. For eight years now, Hal Steinbrenner has signed overpriced, fading stars whose limitations are scribbled into concrete, leaving fans thirsty for a wave of youth to rise up and save this tiresome franchise.

Today, we hope those saviors are Gary Sanchez, Greg Bird and Aaron Judge. Hence, the almost irrational expressions of bile directed at Austin Romine, Gary Carter and Aaron Hicks. We need young stars - not a 10 percent improvement from Chase Headley. And if the big three get off to terrible Aprils - well, the most upbeat part of following the Yankees will be to watch Scra-Tre, or Tre-Scra, or the ThunderRiders, or the Rail-Thunds - whatever, you get the idea. 

It's going to be a long hot summer in America. And if the Yankees turn into Gary Carter and the wrong Aaron, hell, I'd rather be at the Scranton Ramada, waiting for Glyber. 

Redsock '17 Hall of Fame Superteam of Destiny (TM) unveils new victory dance for '17 juggernaut

Since last fall, the world has been awaiting the Redsocks' new victory dance. 

And here it is! Look! Drink it in! Isn't it adorable?

That's Babe Benintendi - Cooperstown Hall of Fame Class '21 - with right knee raised and the lefty fist pump. He's happy. Oops, gotta go. Late for my enema.

Yankeegeddon: " For the first time since at least 1998, Quinnipiac University has found, more New York City baseball fans liked the Mets than the Yankees."

"... Although it was a narrow victory — 45 percent to 43 percent, well within the margin of error — it shows that winning ballgames remains the key to winning the hearts of Big Apple sports fans."

Fivethirtyeight crunches some numbers. Here's all you need to know:

Over the last five years, the Yankees have blown a 41 point lead in popularity over the Mets.

So, can you remind us again why we're not supposed to complain about the Hal/Cash regime...?

Not as horrible as it seemed

In the post-game show and Clubhouse Report, John and Suzyn were NOT devastated. Neither should we be. Here's why... 

1. Disregard the first three innings - as any reputable scientist will do - and we won the game, 1-0.

2. Chase Headley beat the over-shift three times, once with a bunt. Not only was it game smart - (Down 7-2, John noted that the Yankees needed base runners, not a long ball) - but it showed the first time in at least three years that a Yankee may have actually used the off-season to adjust to the new defenses. Teixeira never did it. A-Rod never did it. Brian McCann... Stephen Drew... they literally swung their way into mediocrity. If Headley breaks the shift - that is, forces teams to revert to the traditional defense - he could save his career.

3. We unveiled Jonathan "Hold'em" Holder, the Holder of holds. (See below)

4. Tanaka hasn't been good on previous opening days. As long as it's not an arm thing... 

5. We didn't have to use our closers.

6. As frustrating as it was, we actually threatened at the end. Yeah, nothing came of it, but in the seventh and ninth innings, we made Tampa break a sweat. A hallmark of the last three years has been watching the Yankees go 1-2-3 in late inning losses. 

7. John will spend the rest of the year fuming over a called seventh inning strike against Aaron Hicks, which SHOULD have been ball four. John called it ball four - and then had to take it back. He watched it on replay and didn't soften his certainty, though it might have been too close for Hicks to take. Still, Jerry Layne, Jerry Layne, Jerry Layne! On John's deathbed, sometime around 2060, someone will mention home plate umpire Jerry Layne, and John will yank out the breathing apparatus...  JERRRRRRY LAAAAAAAAYNE... SLOOOOOOOOOOWLY I TURNED... 

We wuz robbed. And tomorrow, TAMPA SHALL PAY!

A verse for Jonathan Holder, the Holder of Holds

Behold "Hold'em" Holder, the Holder of holds.
His heaters hate hitters, their bats catching colds.
His outings eat innings, as each hold unfolds,
Behold "Hold'em" Holder! the Holder of holds!

Just call "Hold'em" Holder; the lead will be held.
Our enemies vanquished, their loss clearly smelled,
This Holder will hold them, their hopes to be quelled,
Behold "Hold'em" Holder! Our vict'ry upheld!

Behold "Hold'em" Holder; he holds, does not save,
Each new hold unfolding, each game to its grave,
A high-holding holder, their bats shall behave!
Behold "Hold'em" Holder! Our lead shall not cave!

Opening Day Poem Was The Highlight.

That poem made opening day worthwhile.

Meanwhile, a few early indicators;

1.  Our " ace" went into the dumpster after two plus innings.  He never had a rhythm, he looked like he had never met his catcher, and his post game interview was unintelligible to me.

2.  Our three young turks went 1-13, combined, and committed one error.

3.  The offense, mostly, was as follows;  Castro had a big day with three hits, Judge hit a clutch double, and Headley laid down a bunt to beat the shift.  First Yankee ever, I think, to do this successfully.

4.  The bright spot was our relief staff, who pretty much shut the Rays down.  So we could get back in the game.  Only, we didn't.  True clutch hitting, just did not appear.

5.  We have a day off tomorrow to digest all of this.

Meanwhile, we sit in last place, and lots of guys had poor starts.  Never a good thing.

"An all-out flop." The critics are raving over this young Yankee team

It could be a long year.

But it's only one game.

Today's IIHIIFIIc Authentic and Completely Unretouched Yankee Photo Art

Joey Binders...

Ready for the season!

Goodbye cruel world; it's opening day

The gods place bets with loaded dice,
And all our earthly dreams betray,
But listen to one clown's advice,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

The politicians scrounge for power,
With consequences we shall pay.
But somewhere, it's our finest hour,
Goodbye, cruel world; it's opening day.

Our weary age is full of war,
The daily news brings dark dismay,
So surf the dreams worth living for,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

The Yankee batting order, according to ultra-scientific Wow Factor

1. Brett Gardner, LF

His legs and glove might have a year left; if not, will be repealed and replaced by Aaron Hicks or whomever rises from Scranton. No wriggle room. Wow Factor: 5.

2. Gary Sanchez, C

Anything shy of 25 homers will be a disappointment. We want him to be the next Thurman. That brings needless pressure. Wow Factor: 10.

3. Greg Bird, 1B

Another overblown sense of hope. We dream of high average AND power, a combination of Donnie and Tino. A lot to heap on a kid. Wow Factor: 10.

4. Matt Holliday, DH

His best years came at Coors Field, so forget past numbers. Still, he could be our Beltran - quality character, clutch bat, until runs into wall. Wow Factor: 6

5. Jacoby Ellsbury, CF

What's he doing, batting fifth? Plummeting, that's what. It's now or never. He'll never be Johnny Damon. But, gulp, Youk? Wow Factor: 4

6. Starlin Castro, 2B

This year will tell if he has a future with the Yankees. Big season, or he's washed away by Gleyber. Wow Factor: 6

7. Chase Headley, 3B

Nobody expects nuthing. Nada. Oh well, only place to go is up. This is his last shot in NYC. Wow Factor: 3

8. Aaron Judge, RF

Since the night he was announced, has been every Yankee fan's ultimate wet dream fantasy. Our Hondo, our Shaq, our King Kong... or our Kingman? Wow Factor: 11

9. Ronald Torreyes, SS

Can he last a month? If not, it's Pete Kozma and Chris Carter pinch-hitting after the seventh. Wow Factor: 3