One thing the Korean baseball experiment gets right: The announcers don't have to be there

Today, I got up early, took out the garbage - whew, something got in there -  and channeled the stupidity machine to ESPN-2. Live Baseball from Korea! And once again, those goddamm Dinos were mangling my Samsung Lions. Into their second game, the Lions had yet to score a run. NOT. ONE. RUN. Why, why, why ... did I have to grow up a diehard Samsung soldier?

Watching Korean baseball is like watching Korean barbecue. You can stare at it, but even as the meat heats up, nothing seems to be happening. The American announcers treat the game as if it's a lab experiment, and - yeah - it is. That's because they are calling the games from their homes. They are reacting to the same visuals as we are. At times, that means being just as oblivious to the action as we are. And in a strange way - just as Korean ribs can be quite tasty - it's sorta neat. 

A Lions player got hit by a pitch in the dirt. But it wasn't clear what happened, until he jogged to first. Without an instant replay - the announcers couldn't call for one, because they were using the direct feed from Korea - they just rattled to fill time. Finally, a trainer waddled out to spray pain-killer on the player's injured foot. The mystery was solved. We learned it together.  

During the game, the announcers interviewed an American player. They chatted about life. They chatted about Korea. The key word here: "chat." They might as well have been sitting in a bar in Toledo, Ohio. If something happened, they mentioned it. But without a stadium full of boisterous fans, without having to shout over the noise of a wild crowd, the announcers didn't have to gobble to get attention. They simply spoke to each other.

If MLB plays games this year without crowds - as is the current plan - it's going to spawn an entirely new form of TV play-by-play and commentary. (The Korean game uses a sound track to create a pretend crowd, but it's not effective.) In this new reality, announcers never need to shout, or raise their voices, or bellow signature lines over the roar of spectators. In the booth, it's going to be a whole new ballgame.

I wonder how the YES Network dynamics - kingpin Michael Kay with his supplicant ex-jock personalities - will translate into the new reality. It might liberate Paul O'Neill and Dave Cone to run off on even wilder tangents than they already do. That could be fun. That could be awful. I dunno. Most of all, though, I worry that John Sterling - without the crowd to amp him full of juice - will sound really weird, shouting his homer-hollers and Win-Warbles. Why shout, when there's nothing to shout over? 

Every morning, Andrew Cuomo tells us we must rebuild a better, smarter world than before. Well, television and radio games will give American sports a rare opportunity to improve its traditional product - which really hasn't changed in 50 years. There is no reason why guest announcers - comics, celebrities, bloggers, twitter feeds, regular fans, players, anybody, even you! - cannot join in-game discussions. Zoom has created a new world. And without crowd noise, there is a lot of silence to fill. 

Virtual Baseball: The Pirate King! Mike Hurls No-No at Bucs! Tony Clark Joins Summit in the Sun.

The virtually perfect took over the Virtual Baseball World tonight, as rookie Mike King pitched a no-hitter for the Virtual Yankees over Pittsburgh, winning 8-0.

The Pirates, who have started on another long-term tanking operation after a brief period of actually trying to win ballgames, were largely baffled by the rookie's baffling variety of soft serves.

The Bucs did draw seven walks, and twice had batters reach on errors when balls hit Clint Frazier's "trampoline glove" and bounced off.  But King, whose pitching has generally been erratic this year, was also helped by great stops on ground balls by Gio Urshela at third and Kyle Holder at short, as well as Thairo Estrada's full length dive to snare a line drive off the bat of Bryan Reynolds.

Estrada was giving D.J. LeMahieu a rare day off because, as Yankees creature Lonn Trost said, "We can beat these guys with our JV."

A long home run in the second by Mike Ford provided all the offense King would need, though he was also helped out by Frazier's two ringing doubles, and three singles from his previously unheralded batterymate.

Wynston Selwyn Sawyer, a journeyman minor leaguer, had been called up after the Yanks' two previous backstops, Chris Iannetta and Eric Kratz, had been sidelined with geriatric maladies.  Sawyer looked considerably younger and more agile, and Manager Ma Boone also gave him credit for calling a great came.

It would have seemed that Sawyer had staked a strong claim to the back-up catcher spot, and maybe even gained a chance to challenge light-hitting Kyle Higashioka for the starting position.  Unfortunately, though, after catching the last pitch of the game—which was King's tenth strikeout on the night—Sawyer pulled an oblique muscle in the ensuing melée, and was placed on the 15-day disabled list.

A certain controversy surrounded King's gem, too, in that manager Boone left him in to throw 149 pitches.

"Ah, c'mon, how often does a guy get a chance at a no-hitter?  Sometimes, well, you know, you get one chance, just one big chance to really shine on a ballfield, and you have to take that, and hold onto it, because who knows, the next day some chump who said he was your friend might just end your whole career in a damned pick-up basketball game,"  Boone told the press corps, then inexplicably burst into tears.

King's left arm was wrapped in several layers of ice and gauze by the Yankees new team physician, Dr. Roberts, after the game.  When a reporter asked him why he had done this considering the fact that King was a righty, the Yankees trainer exclaimed, "Ah, nuts!" and began to wrap King's pitching arm, as well.

King, for his sake, said that while his arm hurt as if it were being stabbed by a thousand knives at the same time, he didn't care.

"Even if I never pitch another game in my life—even if I'm giving up a 20-year career—this was worth it," King told the media afterwards.  "Wait a minute.  A 20-year career?  That could be, like, $400 million.  And I traded that for excruciating pain and some dumb record book achievement nobody much cares about anymore?  Holy shit, what's wrong with me?"

After some special injections from the Yankees' new team doctor, however, King seemed to be in a better mood, saying that he did think his no-hitter was worthwhile after all, and that he could now see through time.

Meanwhile, intrigue continued to swirl around the whole Meet-Up in the Mesa, where Yankees slugger Giancarlo Stanton and baseball commissioner Rob Manfred and his entourage emerged after precisely 111 hours of consultation.  They announced that they had come to an agreement, but would not be at liberty to confirm it, until they had consulted with Players' Union head Tony Clark, who was reportedly on his way to join the group in their Navajo Sweat Lodge.

The group then returned inside the sweat lodge, saying they had seen their astral shadows.

Plague Theater: "I'm Phil Rizzuto for the Money Store..."

The one blemish on an otherwise wonderful career.

It's starting to look as though Aaron Judge would have faced a wipe-out year

Troubling. That's the word - or lack of words - conveying the strange plight of Aaron Judge. Staggering into mid-May, the Death Star remains cagey on the state of Judge's mysterious stress-fractured rib, the one that doctors somehow missed all winter. Jeez, who was testing him, the CDC? 

In February, the Yankees shut down Judge with a "shoulder injury," supposedly suffered at the end of last season. At some point - as crazy as this sounds - he was apparently working out this winter with a partially collapsed lung. WTF? Who was diagnosing this guy, Larry Kudlow? Judge's pain never left and now - after hot-tubbing for three months - he's still apparently in recovery. 

Obviously, it's too early to panic - especially in this lost 2020 first-half. Also, it's wayyyy too early to punt on a 28-year-old slugger who plays Gold Glove defense, with no hint of clubhouse issues, who has performed for four years as the face of the franchise. Judge looks destined for Monument Park, if not Cooperstown. But but but... the guy has become a bag of broken glass. He has yet to last a full season without tweaking his myriad of gonads. 

If 2020 was a normal year, the Yankees would still be waiting on Judge, still be diddling around with Zach Granite, while the whispers were becoming murmurs and the season was slipping away. For now, his inability to stay on the field remains masked by the pandemic. But like the virus, it won't just go away. 

Since 2016, we've viewed Judge as a generational Yankee star, the kind that defines an era in the Bronx. But the careers of sluggers too often crash before their times. The Yankees have seen their share. Remember John Mayberry? Steve Kemp? Jesse Barfield? Danny Tartabull? At the end, Jason Giambi and even A-Rod. Around baseball, look at Justin Upton, Chris Davis, Joey Votto, et al. Once a guy starts chasing, once one pitcher compiles a vaccine on him, things unravel. Judge is still young, still heading into his prime, but it looks as though 2020 was going to be a lost year for him. Troubling. Not the word you wanted to hear.

Virtual Baseball: Deivi a Dervish vs. Pittsburgh. Talks Pass 100 Hours in Desert. Kubek Kicks Back at Yanks.

In a tumultuous day for the Virtual Yankees, the Bombers got an unexpectedly splendid six innings from Deivi Garcia, while home runs by Gio Urshela and Miguel Andujar, and three doubles from D.J.  LeMahieu led the Pinstripers to an 8-4 win against visiting Pittsburgh.

Garcia struck out ten, and departed having allowed only one run, though a noticeably more porous Yankees pen surrendered another three, and the Bucs had the bases loaded in the ninth before Zack(h) Britton struck out Bryan Reynolds, the best player on the tanking Pirates, to end the game.

Up in the new Kars for Kids Broadcast Booth, a plan by the Yankees to finally get some help for beleaguered radio broadcaster Suzyn Waldman hit a speed bump, rotated into the air, crashed down into a passing oil truck, and exploded into flames.

The Yankees had decided that, for as long as Suzyn's longtime partner John Sterling continues to convalesce/and/or make harrowing trips into the past to fix past games, they would bring back popular radio and TV voices to help with her workload.

Today, the program started when Tony Kubek, the outstanding Yankees shortstop from the 1950s and '60s returned to work the game with Suzyn.  Things went sour fast, though, when Kubek, 85, scoffed that he still had not seen a major league game since retiring from the booth in 1994.

"The greed, the nonsense, all of it just makes me sick," snort Kubek, who insisted on whittling on a piece of wood during the game, while periodically expectorating into a spittoon he had brought from his home deep in the Wisconsin woods.  "The Steinbrenner family has more money than God, but they've run this team like a bunch of Bulgarian peasants.  Today's players are juiced up idiots, who can't even hit against a shift.  Also, the umpires stink, video replay is stupid, and the ballgirls aren't half as good as they used to be."

"That's the thing I always admired about you:  you tell it like it is," Ms. Waldman complimented her new guest partner, while looking nervously around her.  "Look, I gotta get down there for the postgame interview," she told Kubek in the fourth inning.

"That's okay, I think I can handle it.  Nothing of interest is going to happen while you're gone, of that I can assure you," Kubek told her, while contemptuously stroking his knee length white beard.

Meanwhile, talks between Giancarlo Stanton and Rob Manfred and his minions continued past 100 consecutive hours, in their Navajo Sweat Lodge in New Mexico.  Attendants worried over the state of the talks listened at the door for hours today, but reported that the only things they could hear sounded like deep snores, or perhaps coyote cackles.

Plague Theater (Mandatory viewing): The Scooter on "What's My Line?"

"Are you tall, dark and handsome?"

Note: This is from the first "What's My Line" ever broadcasted.

Hello, cruel world; it's opening day... in Korea

The gods place bets with loaded dice,

And all our earthly dreams betray,

It sucks I have to say this twice,

Somewhere, cruel world; it’s opening day.

The politicians scrounge for power,

With consequences we shall pay.

But 5 a.m. is now the hour?

Somewhere, cruel world; it's opening day.

Our weary age is full of death,

The daily news brings dark dismay,

Excuse me, while I cook some meth,

Somewhere, not here; it’s opening day.

The Korean Baseball Organization opened early this morning on ESPN. The NC Dinos beat the Samsung Lions 4-0 behind the pitching of - well - somebody. 

Elsewhere around the universe, some partial scores in: Fear leads Hope, 68,000 to nothing. In extra innings, Life and Death remain tied, infinity to infinity. For the details, make sure you tune into Suzyn's Clubhouse Report. 

Searching for meaning in a meaningless time.

Virtual Off-Day: Still No Word From Sweat Lodge. Concerns Continue About The Master.

The Virtual Yankees got a virtual day off today, but there was still no word on the continuing confab between slugger Giancarlo Stanton, and baseball commissioner Rob Manfred and his retinue.

While nothing official was reported from the conference, which is being held in a Navajo sweat lodge in New Mexico, there were reports of raucous laughter, chanting, drum playing, and "oohs" and "ahs" emanating from the lodge.  The conference is now in its 120th hour, and alarm is growing amongst non-Yankee fans that Stanton may not be arbitrarily punished for nothing.

Meanwhile, concern also increased at Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital, over the mental state of much-loved Yankees broadcaster, John Sterling.

Sterling, who has been looking increasingly haggard of late, told his doctors today that he had once again managed to slip through the 1904 time portal located on the site of Hilltop Park at the hospital, and this time lived in New York all the way into the late 1920s.

"My God, it was hard, but I did it!  I found old Pete Alexander, all right, and I got him a good doctor, and got his epilepsy diagnosed!" Sterling raved in one session.  "Then, I got the Yanks to trade for him early in 1926.  I didn't have to do that, you know!  I coulda just gone to the bullpen in the seventh game of the World Series and told him, hey, Pete, let's get a beer.  But I couldn't do that, I couldn't deprive him of his greatest moment in history, striking out Tony Lazzeri, and the Ronald Reagan movie and everything!"

This was hardly news to the doctors, of course, who were well aware of how Grover Cleveland Alexander's career was revived after he was picked up from the Cubs by the Yanks.  As every schoolgirl knows, Alexander famously struck out Rogers Hornsby with the bases loaded in that game, which was won on a grand-slam home run by rookie "Poosh'em Up" Lazzeri.

No one could recall any movie involving Alexander, who became a crusader against alcohol abuse following his retirement from baseball, and lived until 96.  Sterling's evocation of one, "Ronald Reagan" also baffled many, until someone recalled a longtime Cubs broadcaster by that name, who retired in 1964.

"Then I stayed around just to see that 1927 season.  Oooh, boy, you shoulda seen that!  Especially now that I got the Yanks to sign Lefty Grove," Sterling babbled on.  "Ha-ha-ha, you thought that team couldn't be better, did you?!  Well, think again!"

Of course the doctors knew all about the Yankees' magnificent, 1927 season, when the team won 136 games and lost just 18, not to mention the long and brilliant career in pinstripes of Moses Grove—though no one ever remembered a "lefty" of that appellation.

"To do anymore good, I'd have to live into the '40s!" said Sterling.  "But I just don't know if I can do that—don't know if I can stay alive that long, I tells ya!"

Sterling also said that his powers to change history in this imagine "other" world seem to be limited solely to baseball—an illusion that doctors had never seen before.

"I made sure to be in Munich when Hitler tried to run his Beer Hall Putsch, but I couldn't get the shot.  Boy, you should've seen that little weasel run!  You know, there's no predicting which way fascist sociopaths will turn when they're in mortal danger."

Doctors took this as one more sign that Sterling's condition is deteriorating.  A photo produced by his longtime broadcast partner, Suzyn Waldman, that appeared to show Sterling carrying a rifle and in the uniform of the Bavarian state police in 1923, was dismissed as a coincidence.








 

Opening Day: 1 a.m. Eastern

"The season-opening game between the NC Dinos and Samsung Lions will air on ESPN at 1 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Most other games will air on ESPN2 at 5:30 a.m. ET from Tuesdays through Fridays, 4 a.m. ET on Saturdays and 1 a.m. ET on Sundays."

I'm going with the Samsung Lions - (I have a Samsung boombox) - though they finished 23 games below .500 last year. For now, second choice is the KT Wiz, because - hey - at my age, I wiz 20 times a day. Then there is Kiwoom, with Jerry Sands. What's he doing here (aside from leading the league in RBIs?)

I'm in on this. South Korea beat the virus, and they should reap the rewards: BASEBALL!

Plague Theater: All-Time Yankee opponent George Brett calmly celebrates a homer

Seems like yesterday.

I'll just leave this here...

George Brett voted IT IS HIGH All-Time Yankee Opponents Team at 3B

It wasn't close. The victory margin was the most lopsided, thus far. Nobody argued batting averages. They just reacted to the name.

George Brett. 

GEORGE BRETT... SLOOOOOOOOOWLY, I TURNED... STEP BY STEP, I CREPT UP HIM...  

Doctors call it P.T.S.D. Sleepless nights, tormented hours, rages and hallucinations, conjured by hearing the name. It still hurts.

Here is the final vote for the IT IS HIGH All-Time Yankee Opponents Team at 3B.

George Brett (87 votes): 43%
Brooks Robinson (38): 19%
Adrien Beltre (27): 13%
Evan Longoria (18): 9%
Wade Boggs (11): 5%
Paul Molitor (10): 5%
Manny Machado (8): 4%
Mike Lowell (5): 2%

For the record, Brett hit a career .307 against the Yankees, with 29 home runs and 117 RBIs in 203 games. But in Yankee Stadium, where he hit some traumatizing HRs against Goose Gossage, Brett batted .873 with 93 home runs in 28 games. 

(Juuuuuuuust keeding: He hit .311 with 17 in 92.) 

The Pine Tar Game. The playoff shots. Some of the most painful moments in Yankee history. He should-a been a Yankee. Brett was picked in the second round of the 1971 draft. The Yankees that year, in the first round, selected outfielder Terry Whitfield, whom they later traded to the Giants for - (swallows vomit) - Marty Perez. Whitfield had a rather unmemorable 10-year career, hitting .281 with 33 HRs. 

The Yankees picked Whitfield at #19 in the draft. Here are some of the picks that followed: 

Dodgers #20: Rick Rhoden
Pirates #22: Craig Reynolds
Royals #29: George Brett
Phillies #30: Mike Schmidt
Cardinals #54: Larry Herndon
Cardinals #78: Jerry Mumphries

HOWEVER, before you grab your machine gun and storm the Yankees front office to protest the 1971 debacle, it's worth noting that the team picked at #65 in the third round a fellow named Ron Guidry. So, you could argue that the team didn't do all that badly that year. (In case you're wondering, in the 2nd round, they selected Stephen Lindsey, a 3B from California. Oh, well...)

The ALL-TIME IT IS HIGH YANKEE OPPONENTS INFIELD: 

1b Eddie Murray
2b Rod Carew
ss Cal Ripken
3b George Brett

and the second team
1b Miguel Cabrera 
2b Dustin Pedroia 
ss Robin Yount 
3b Brooks Robinson 

Congrats to the man a friend of mine's mom - (a diehard Yankee fan, may she rest in peace) - used to call "the Blonde Gorilla." Mr. George Brett.

GEORGE BRETT? SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY I TURNED... 

(Next up: Catcher... nominees?)

Virtual Baseball: Yanks Rally to Bail Out Happ. Special Eagle Protection for Cashman.

General Manager Brian Cashman models new protective headgear.

In Virtual Baseball today, the Yankees managed to salvage one contest from the three-game set, by rallying to beat the Blue Jays, 7-6.

Starter J.A. Happ appeared headed to his first loss of the season as the Jays forged an early 4-2 lead. Former Yankee outfielder Billy "Don't Be a Hero" McKinney was, in fact, a hero, hitting for the cycle today, and executing a rare steal of home.

But a three-run homer by Miguel Andujar and a two-run jack by Clint Frazier put the Yanks back in the lead headed into the ninth.  Manager Ma Boone, showing renewed faith in Aroldis "Funky" Chapman, allowed the perpetually perspiring pitcher to try to close out the game today.

Both Bo "The Real" Bichette and Vlad Guerrero, Jr. took him deep, with record blasts that shattered windows in the hotel overlooking the playing field, but Gio Urshela's leaping line drive of a shot down the third base line by Brandon Drury managed to end the game.  Urshela was scheduled for x-rays to see if any of his fingers were broken by Drury's drive, which pierced the leather of his glove.

"Hey, it's de modern times, mon," shrugged manager Ma Boone afterwards.  "Dey hit de ball hard."

The media listening to Boone took an immediate poll and demanded that he stop talking like that, and stop using a Caribbean accent.

No word was reported today from New Mexico, where aides had grown concerned about the 48 hours that baseball commissioner Rob Manfred had spent inside a Navajo sweat lodge with Yankees slugger Giancarlo Stanton.

Invited inside to see that everything was all right, the aides did not re-emerge, but did send out an order for 28 pizzas and "more cactus milk."  The talks stretched into their 60th hour.

And Yankees GM Brian Cashman emerged from his darkened bunker under the Stadium today, wearing a new device Yankees creatures Randy Levin, Lonn Trost, and Lon Nol had devised, to help him recover from the traumatic eagle attack he suffered in a lizard misrecognition incident.

For full security, the Special Extra Eagle Protection (SEEP) device would have to be closed and locked in place, the Yankees creatures explained, but Cashman would still be able to speak, breathe, and absorb selected nutrients through various passages in the SEEP.

"Uh-oh," remarked Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner.

Uncertain Truth....

Right shoe?

Left shoe?

Lung?

Rib?

Healthy?

Still injured?

Ready?

Not ready?

28?

29?

Why are there still rumors about Aaron Judge's shoe size?

Is he ready to play or still recovering?

Plague Theater: Mickey Mantle on Letterman

"Sure, I could have played for Steinbrenner..."

Fauci: It might take 18 months for world to solve mystery of Clint Frazier

The terrifying puzzle known as "Red-77" continues to confound the world. 

Despite a massive infusion of money poured into research, clinicians say they are no closer to solving the mystery than they were four years ago, when reports of Clint Frazier first surfaced in Trenton, an obscure province of the Yankiverse. 

Saturday, Dr. Anthony Fauci - the former Yankee fan who now roots for Washington - said answers on Frazier might not be available until 2021.

"We want it to go quickly, but we want to make sure it's safe and it's effective," Fauci said. "I think that it is doable if things fall in the right place.

"Remember, go back in time, I was saying in January and February that it would be a year to 18 months, so January is a year, so it isn't that much from what I had originally said."

Meanwhile, the Trump administration is quietly organizing "Operation Warp Speed," a massive effort to drastically cut the time needed to test Frazier, with the incredible goal of having him play 100 games by year's end. 

"Whatever you can humanly do, we're going to have," the President said. "I hope we're going to have it, and we're going to fast-track it like you've never seen."

The President created a stir last week when he suggested that Frazier be "injected" into the Yankee lineup, without further testing. Officials quickly sought to walkback the remarks, which Trump later said were made sarcastically in order to mock the YES Network, which he called "fake play-by-play." 

Virtual Baseball. Second Pineapple Loss of the Year. Rehab Goes Bad.

What?  You shouldn't even read this!

In Virtual Baseball today, the Yankees suffered their second Pineapple Loss of the season, dropping a 10-7 decision in extra innings to the Toronto Blue Jays.

The Yankees had jumped to a 7-3 lead on home runs by Brett Gardner, Miguel Andujar, and Mike Ford, headed into the ninth inning.  But what followed was not a win but yet another implosion by "closer" Sweats Chapman, who surrendered a grand-slam home run by former Yankee Billy McKinney that tied the game.

In the top of the tenth, the Yanks loaded the bases with one out, only to have Gardner tap into a double-play that ended the threat.  After Gardner destroyed pretty much everything in the visitors' dugout with his bat, pitcher Adam "Mr. Zero" Ottavino went back out in the bottom of the 10th, and surrendered a three-run homer to former Yankee Brandon Drury that ended the game.

"Well, you know," said manager Ma Boone, who had just finished reading Peter Matthiessen's Far Tortuga.  "What do you want, mon?  It's de modern times."

Meanwhile, reports coming in from the Yankees' much vaunted rehab regimes were universally grim. Under the direction of new training coach Mark Quisedesade, Aaron Judge pulled a hamstring, Aaron Hicks was reporting a "stiff groin," and no one could say anything about the whereabouts of pitcher Gerrit Cole.

"Ah, oui!  It is going exactly as planned!" remarked Mr. Quisedesade.

"A couple more months like this, and NOBODY will be left standing!  Bwahaha, bwahaha!" remarked general manager Brian Cashman.

Plague Theater: Bobby Murcer gives thanks

For God, the Yankees, the coaches, the fans and the doctors...

Ladies and gentlemen, meet your 2022 New York Yankees!

Screw the virus, I'm sick of the virus, let's talk ball, I mean, let's get down and dirty and talk some YANKEE BASEBALL, you hear me, YANKEE FUCKIN' BASEBALL. 

I'm thinking: The Yankee lineup after this corona thingy has been cracked, blitzed and so sanitized that even Canadians mock it. Let's talk 2022. 

By then, Andrew Cuomo will have a talk show on Fox, and Chris Cuomo will be governor of Utah. The Yankees will have won two asterisk-inflicted World Series, played before piped-in cheering sections in shortened seasons. But in 2022, everybody will still be here - yep, every one of you - so... what's our lineup? I'm talkin' Yankee baseball here here! And here is how it stands:

1b Miguel Andujar, he'll be 27. STAR.

(In two years, Miggy will have buffed up, filled out, and be entering his prime. Third base will be a distant memory. The doubles will become HRs. He'll be one of the first-basemen in the game.)  

2b DJ LeMahieu, he'll be 33. SOLID.

(Of course, we'll re-sign LeMahieu. He's a great player who has bonded with NYC. He will be slowing down, but still a cagey vet. He'll handle 2B fine.)

ss Gleyber Torres, he'll be 27. STAR.

(Yanks' best player, entering his prime. What else to say?)

3b Gio Urshela, he'll be 30. SOLID.

(No matter how Gio hits, he'll still be one of the game's best fielding 3B.)

c  Gary Sanchez (he'll be 29) and a lefty platoon. SERVICEABLE.

(Sanchez will either improve or disappear. It's not that he's bad, but NYC will be fed up with Ks, passed balls and squandered talent. We have no young catchers in the pipeline who'll be ready by 2020. Might have to sign somebody.)

lf Clint Frazier, he'll be 27 (SOLID)

(On a limb here: I still believe in Red. He'll be entering his prime. At some point, he's gonna hit. The question is whether we'll keep him. I think we will.)

cf Estevan Florial (he'll be 24) or Jasson Dominiquez, he'll be 19 (RISING)

(Actually, I'm not sold on either, but I'm saying some fantasy will appear, because I'm less sold on Aaron Hicks, who will be 32. If Hicks is brittle now... by 2022 he'll come to games in an ambulance. Dominiquez is the ultimate fantasy. Okay, I'm in.

Wait a minute: How about Mookie Betts?)

rf Aaron Judge, he'll be 30. STAR

(Of course.)

dh Giancarlo Stanton (he'll be 32) and maybe LH Mike Ford (he'll be 29)

(We'll be paying Stanton forever. By 2022, he won't bring a glove to spring training. Still, he could be productive. Some DHs hit into their late thirties. If Stanton isn't, we'll find somebody.

Starting rotation DECENT

Gerrit Cole will be 31.
Luis Severino will be 28.
Jordan Montgomery will be 29.
Masahiro Tanaka will be 33.
Some kid.

(Deivi Garcia will be 22. Who knows? We might need to sign somebody.)

Bullpen  DISASTER CODE RED

Aroldys Chapman will be 34. 
Your name here.

(El Chapo will be spent. We'll need arms - from the farm or free agency. Our current bullpen will have aged-out or moved on.)

Overall: AL EAST NUMBER ONE.

(We will be faves to win. So let's plan on living to see it. Where should we all meet on opening day?)  

Virtual Baseball: Yanks Pecked to Death by Jays. April Roundup, Stanton Still Conferring with Manfred.

In Virtual Baseball tonight, the New York Yankees suffered a letdown against the rising young Blue Jays, losing 5-1, in a horrendously dull game in a dull city and a dull country.

Starter Mike King was undone by a steady succession of singles, along with long, solo home runs by Bo Bichette and Vlad Guerrero, Jr.  Former Yankees Brandon Drury and Billy McKinney drove in single runs with their single singles of the evening.

The loss came off an April that exceeded all expectations for the Pinstripers, though especially in terms of injuries.  Gary Sanchez, Luke Voit, Gleyer Torres, Clint Frazier, Estevan Florial, Tyler Wade, Chris Innetta, Erik Kratz, Gerrit Cole,  and Masahiro Tanaka all joined the team's already extensive injury list at one point or another.

Nonetheless, the Bombers ended up 22-10, just two games behind the still hot, really hot, Tampa Bay Rays.

Starter J.A. Happ, now 6-0, was named AL pitcher of the month.  Second baseman D.J. LeMahieu is leading the AL in batting at .385, while first baseman/DH Mike Ford is first in on-base percentage at .545, Miguel Andujar leads the league with a .625 slugging average, and Gleyber Torres is second in the AL with 14 homers, albeit 12 of them against the last-place Baltimore Orioles.

Meanwhile, to the surprise of most baseball officials, Commissioner Rob Manfred continued to meet with rehydrating slugger Giancarlo Stanton over his possible suspension.  The two men left Santuario El Rey after 23 hours of negotiating over cactus milk and special "desert flowers" Stanton claimed to have found in his time in the wilderness.

Reports indicate that they will now continue their negotiations in a nearby Hopi sweat lodge.  Stanton  told reporters it would take at least 4-6 days for them to reach true levels of psychic empathy.

Plague Theater: Bobby Murcer on "Beat the Clock"

He is unstoppable on the Milk Shake Container Slalom. 

No news is sports news: For better or worse, the daily round-up of corona crapola

A small uptick in Gammonitic grist suggests the sports world is reawakening from its nap. Here's the lowdown: 

Today's (uh-oh, endangered?) Murdoch Post scolds the Yanks - and especially the cheapo Mets - for making their fans practically decipher Steely Dan lyrics in order to get refunds for canceled games. Writes Ken Davidoff...

[You] have to endure a “Where’s Waldo?”-type exercise just to find mention of refunds in the official statements on the team websites and then jump through hoops to actually execute the refund. 

Moreover, both sticky-fingered franchises are only offering refunds for games lost in April. They're still clutching the money for May and June. This, of course, is how billionaires become trillionaires. Worst part: The Redsocks are doing right by their fans. Can Trump fast-track the A-Rod/J-Lo purchase of the Mets, as he's trying to do for vaccines? 

The Yankees are faves to sign one of the top 10 cabana boys in this year's Latino teen-testosterone, stud-cattle, post-pubescent, swinging-dick, black market, turn-your-head-and-cough auction of human meat. Last year, they signed a kid named Jasson Dominequez - nicknamed "The Martian" because they'd run out of dehumanizing earth animal names - who was immediately hailed as the next Mike Trout, if not the next Jackson Melian, Jose Tabata, Jeez Montero, etc. 

Wait a minute: His name is Jesus Galiz, and he is a - gulp - catcher. Let's hope he doesn't have a fondness for ice cream sandwiches, as did the grand obesity once known as Jesus H. Montero  (whose legacy is now Twins pitcher Michael "Pine Tar" Pineda.) Oh well, a signing is a signing, right? This kid checks all the boxes - power, brains, speed, yatta-yatta... And get this: If and when they sign "Jeez Louise" Galiz - (the official nickname of IT IS HIGH) - he will immediately replace the great Anthony Seigler as - drum roll, please - the Yankees top minor league catching prospect! Wow. Better than Seigler! Pinch me.  

Some Yanks are expected to return to Tampa next week. That makes May 1 - (checks calendar) - the new Feb. 15. That means March Madness is coming? The swimsuit edition? The new Bond flick? Can we go back and delete that celebrity group rendition of "Imagine?" Can we just drink Lysol - lemon-scented, please - and forget the last six weeks? 

Actually, what this means is we'll learn which Yankee hurt himself on the home gym during the quarantine. Looking at you, Giancarlo. And to all of you asking the ultimate question: No. Plague Theater will continue. It is the new normal.)

Virtual Baseball: Higgy Gets Wiggy, as Yanks Top Pussy Cats. Manfred Meets Mike Amidst the Mesas.

In yet another thrilling, five-hour slog tonight, the Virtual New York Yankees edged the Detroit Tigers, 12-11, thanks to Kyle "Boson" Higashioka's suicide squeeze bunt in the bottom of the tenth inning.

It was an outstanding night for "Higgy," who was batting just .125 coming into the game, but had an inside-the-park home run (when centerfielder JaCoby Jones fell on the rain-soaked Stadium turf), and a triple (when the entire Tigers outfield fell down on the rain-soaked Stadium turf), as well as his game-winning bunt.  He also threw out two Bengals prowling the basepaths.

Yankees starter Deivi Garcia turned in yet another disappointing effort, as Detroit pounced on his servings in dashing to an 8-3 lead.  But the heroics of Higgy, a bases-clearing double by Miguel "El Matador" Andujar, and a two-run, two-out, bottom of the ninth blast from Mike Ford that tied the game at 11, stunned and demoralized Los Tigres.

The Yanks kept the game tied thanks only to a terrific, diving grab of a line drive by D.J. LeMahieu in the top of the tenth.  When the Bombers loaded the bases in the bottom of the inning, Manager Ma Boone was considering pinch-hitting for Higashioka but, he later admitted, he was afraid to turn the catching spot over to John Thole, the former Met just called up today after the last two fill-in catchers, Chris Iannetta and Erik Kratz, were felled, respectively, by rheumatism and arthritis.

"Tholie was a little disoriented still.  Took him two hours and $500 in a gypsy cab to get up to the Stadium," said Boone.  "Been awhile since he's been in New York."

Not to worry.  Higgy's perfectly placed bunt brought LeMahieu charging home, avoiding the tag with a perfect hook slide around the catcher.

In other Yankees news off the field today, Commissioner Rob Manfred went to meet slugger Giancarlo Stanton, where he is recovering from a long stint in the New Mexico desert at a National Guard base.

"I want to hear Giancarlo's side of what happened, before I suspend him for the next year or two," Manfred told reporters, as he went into their meeting Santuario El Rey, the long-deserted mission building by the Guard base.

There, Manfred reportedly shared a bowl of what Stanton called, "a local desert delicacy," along with some "milk of cactus."

Issues facing the Yankees, whether they play or not

The Death Star needs to make some tough money decisions.

Plague Theater: Bobby Murcer on "What's My Line?"

Leave it to Gene Shalit. 

At age 47, Manny Ramirez is trying a comeback in Taiwan

At last... a reason to go on!

The logistical challenge of playing baseball in 2020 requires one superhuman problem-solver, and his name is Jared Kushner

When you ponder MLB's current plan for baseball this year - opening around July 1 with 30 teams, empty home stadiums and no farm clubs - everything boils down to one breathtaking challenge of logistics, a Manhattan Project for sports. 

Yes, finally... a task worthy of Jared Kushner.

Consider the variables and questions: 

Can the league keep players, coaches and stadium staffs safe for - say - 90 games and a post-season? Keep in mind that one breach of security - one outbreak - could overwhelm a team and kill what had been a pennant race. 

Without farm clubs, how will franchises keep a roster of replacements? 
Considering the Yankees' unprecedented wave of injuries last year - 30 players missed time - it's hard to imagine the team needing a larder of less than 80. (To be safe, they'd probably need 100 bodies on call.) With no farm teams, that means running 30 extended, quarantined spring training camps in Florida and Arizona - maybe with families being isolated, as well. 

This goes far beyond the capabilities of Commissioner Rob Manfred or his lovable ownership committees. Baseball needs the kind of Slim-Fast-slurping super-being capable of siring a Trumpian offspring, and those in-law ladies from Fox News - however adept they are at crushing opponents in reality TV - cannot out-Jared Jared. 

Would baseball actually hold a World Series in empty stadiums, with crickets instead of delirious fans? This belongs on The Twilight Zone, not ESPN. It might be better than nothing... but not much better. The Lords of the Game - billionaires who are used to having every decision far to their advantage - now face a massive lose-lose situation. They need somebody who can reassure them that everything can be taken care of... if they know they right guy.

Not to say the season cannot be saved. Right now, the Yankees' YES Network is desperate for programming - anything live and moving - and every cable TV outlet across America is screaming for content. In NY, the Attorney General is calling for cable systems to lower their fees, because they've failed to deliver their most anticipated product: Prime-time sports. The Steinbrenner family will never miss a meal. Their yachts won't even miss a paste-waxing. But without fresh meat for YES, a few cabana boys may have to go. And only one man has the talent to make things happen.

For now, it makes sense to make plans. But if America suffers a second epidemic in the fall - as Doc Fauci (a Yankee fan, by the way) predicts - I can't think of a worse situation than to cancel 2020... again. I could be all wrong about this. But whomever takes on the job of creating the Pandemic League, good luck. America needs a hero. Where have you gone, Jared Kushner, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo-woo-woo.

Virtual Baseball: Bengals Feast on Lasagna. German in Go Kart Kollision.

The Detroit Tigers crunched into some prime Johnny Loiasiga tonight, ripping apart the young Yankees hurler and several relievers, en route to an 11-4 win.

Only three hits and two ribbies from D.J. LeMahieu kept the rout from being even worse, and Clint Frazier did manage to play his first error-free game of the year—the rare bright notes for the Bombers this evening.

Meanwhile, the Yanks' many off-field concerns continued to grow.  MLB's High Druidical Priest, Rob Manfred, announced today that he would personally travel to New Mexico to interview Giancarlo Stanton, and decide how long his suspension should be.

"I mean, if there is going to be a suspension.  I guess I have to say that," Manfred smirked.

Meanwhile, in the Dominican Republic, major Yankee screw-up Domingo German managed to drive his TrailMaster Go Kart into another Go Kart, on an otherwise empty Dominican beach today.  No one was seriously injured, beyond the already defective head of one of the drivers.

Experts from the Elias Sports Bureau differed on whether or not German's crash tied him for most vehicular incidents by a pitcher on the non-active list with Michael Pineda, who had two, shattering Carl Pavano's old record, set in a spectacular smash-up in the wee small hours of the morning in West Palm Beach.

"Sure, why not?  Go Karts and dune buggies are indeed street legal vehicles, and crashing them could easily cause gross bodily injury and even death," responded Herb Elias.  "One more such incident, and I recognize him as the undisputed record-holder."

"The idea that by simply turning over one of these glorified bumper cars truly sickens me," disagreed Amy Elias.  "I mean, c'mon!  It's not the same thing at all.  Pavano ran a Porsche into the back of a garbage truck, with a model at his side.  That's an all-American fuck-up!

"Don Larsen, wrapping his car around a telephone pole and taking out a post box at 5:30 in the morning—that's major league!" Ms. Elias continued.  "We don't know what exactly he was driving, but I would bet anything it was an early Thunderbird.  That's how Gooney Bird liked to roll.

"Pineda getting nailed twice for DUI in a Nissan SUV, well, that's already a big step down for spectacular stupidity by a Yankee in a motor vehicle.  But this German thing?  What exactly is the difference between a Go Kart and a dune buggy in the first place?  Isn't one a subset of the other?  What's next, we're going to debate buggies and sand rails?"

Meanwhile, Yankees fans launched a class-action suit, saying that they would prefer for Domingo German to go away so they can think about Domingo Jean again.

"Sure, he looked a little strange in his Yankees cap with that extreme flattop he had.  But I don't remember him ever hurting anybody or behaving like this," one plaintiff who wished to remain anonymous noted.

Your All-Time Yankee Opponent 3B open thread...

We must choose between four Hall of Famers, three future Hall of Famers and a former Yankee who made a tradition out of killing us in October. 

Okay, who's backing whom... and why?

Plague Theater: Paul Simon's Me and [Mickey] Down by the Schoolyard

A classic - also featuring John Madden.

(Hat tip to Tony!)

Cal Ripken Jr. elected IT IS HIGH All-Time Yankee Opponent at SS

Before we start beefing about whether Robin Yount or A-Rod have gotten screwed for the all-time IT IS HIGH opponent team, consider this:

Cal Ripken Jr. was a 19-year all-star, an eight-time Silver Slugger, a two-time MVP, a two-time Gold Glover and a first-time member to Cooperstown with 98.5 percent of the vote. (Who spurned him? Probably the same asshole who dissed Jeter. Somewhere among the Gammonites, there is a writer - or two - who got their rocks off by leaving Ripken and Jeter off their ballots.) 

Oh, there's also the thing about consecutive games. I know, he beat Lou Gehrig, and we must always instinctively hate him, but hell, Ripken was pretty good. 

Here are the totals of 241 votes cast:

Cal Ripken (69 votes): 29%
Robin Yount (48): 20
Alex Rodriguez (40): 17%
Alan Trammell (31): 13%
Nomar Garciaparra (24): 10%
Dick Groat (14): 17%
Rick Burleson (12): 5%
Luis Aparicio (3): 1%

He shoulda been a Yankee, by the way. Baltimore selected him in the second round of the 1978 draft - a year when the Yankees had three first-round picks: Rex Hudler, Matt Winters and Bryan Ryder. 

I just re-read the above paragraph and puked. (Note: In the second round, they drafted four clicks after Baltimore and selected - drum roll - Steve Balboni.) 

Okay, enough self-torture. But if the Yankees had drafted Ripken, imagine the difference in the eighties and nineties. Ripken would have played SS up until the arrival of Jeter, making that position the modern face of the franchise. 

Rex Hudler, Matt Winters and Bryan Ryder... 

That leaves our all-time opponent team as

1B Eddie Murray
2B Rod Carew
SS Cal Ripken

Not bad. Congratulations, Iron Man. 

Virtual Baseball: Yanks Drown Kitties. Manfred Says Stanton Will Be Tested for Drugs, May Face Lifetime Ban.

In Virtual Baseball today, the New York Yankees of another reality thrashed the Detroit Tigers at home, 12-3.

While thousands of Yankees fans chanted, "Better Dead Than No Red!", beloved right fielder Clint Frazier hit two home runs and two doubles, finishing with 7 RBI—even if he did misplay three balls in the field.  Thairo Estrada and Gio Urshela also homered for the bombers, while D.J. LeMahieu did many good things.

Taking advantage of all this Detroit largesse was J.A. Happ, who threw a rare complete game in order to give the Yankees' bullpen a rest, and who might have had a shutout, save for the three unearned Bengal markers that were registered on those Frazier miscues.

The win moves the Yankees to 20-9 on the young season, although they remain three games behind the hot-enough-to-fry-an-egg-on Rays.

Meanwhile, Baseball Commissioner and Evil Wraith Rob Manfred insisted today that Giancarlo Stanton would have to be tested for performance-enhancing drugs, following the bizarre press conference he gave after being rescued from the desert.

Brushing aside pleas from Yankees GM Brian Cashman—still cloistered after an unsettling, lizard  misrecognition incident—that Stanton was dehydrated and hallucinating after his travail in the desert, and that any hallucinogenic plant life he ate there was merely to keep himself alive, Manfred replied:

"There really aren't any excuses for Yankees—period."

Plague Theater: Thurman's last at-bat

What do you think he does?

Trey Mancini: "I have Stage III colon cancer. I started chemotherapy on April 13. And I am so lucky."

"I've always loved spring training.  It’s one of my favorite times of year.  It just has a slower pace, a softer edge. It’s friendly. And it’s all about baseball, and I love baseball. But this year it was a little bit tougher..."

ESPN might soon show baseball... from Korea

Remember that 1996 blockbuster movie, "Independence Day?" where on July 3rd, space aliens blow up the White House, but then - on July 4th! - led by President Bill Pullman and emerging super-dweeb Jeff Goldblum, humanity  strikes back!  

Well, according to the Internet, America is about to strike back - on TV, anyway. ESPN and corona-test-king South Korea are said to be near a deal to broadcast baseball to the starved U.S. couch-quarantined audience, beginning May 5 - yep, one week from today. The remaining issue is duration: ESPN wants a short-term commitment, so that - in pure American tradition - it can ditch the Koreans quickly, if MLB comes back.

Of course, Korean baseball cannot replace the Yankees. Nor can games in deserted stadiums replace the thrill of Gerrit Cole pitching before 50,000 screaming nutjobs. The mere notion of HR king Byung Ho Park - (33 dings last year for Kiwoom) - is so hard to fathom that, at times, I think I'd prefer ditching the 2020 season altogether. But canceling baseball would be like canceling Christmas. Folks, this isn't hockey. It's Mickey and Yogi. We gotta try. 

For better or worse, Korea will remind us of what we've lost and show us what we're up against. 

If everything goes well - (Note: It never does) - MLB could launch a half-season in June or July. By then, we'll have six weeks of Korean ball under our belts. It won't sate our cravings, but Korea will show us whether a U.S. season is logistically feasible. 

And it might not be. Quarantining 30 teams, writing a new union agreement, playing in Florida or Arizona heat... it simply might not work. Worst-case scenario: We chase an illusion of normalcy and set ourselves up for a crushing pandemic second wave. We disregarded warnings about the first wave. Before we do it again, we better find Bill Pullman.

It's up to you, Korea. Lead the way. Show us how it's done. 

Virtual Off-Day: GIANCARLO FOUND! Traveled Through Desert with Nameless Nag. Clint Frazier's Job Reported in Jeopardy.

In a stunning turn of events even in what has been one of the Virtual New York Yankees' most extraordinary seasons off the field, long-lost slugger Giancarlo Stanton stumbled into a desert fracking station today, badly parched and burned by his long exposure to the sun, and wearing the shreds of his Yankees road uniform wrapped around his gaunt body.

Interviewed in the National Guard camp near the Mexican border where he was taken, Stanton appeared weary but surprisingly animated after he'd had a bath and a meal.  He was eager to answer reporters' questions about his long sojourn in the New Mexico desert, though he often seemed annoyed at their inability to comprehend his answers.

Many of the these questions involved the whereabouts of the horse that Stanton had reportedly been riding through much of his journey.

"I tell you, man:  it felt good to be out of the rain," Giancarlo informed the press.  "In the desert, you can remember your name, cause there's nobody out there for to give you no pain."

Asked if could remember the name of the horse he was on, Stanton shrugged the question off.

"I don't know the horse's name.  I tell you, though:  two days out in desert sun, my skin was red."

"You didn't know the horse's name?  What did you call it?  'Horse?' "

"C'mon, man!  Listen: after three days, I was lookin' at this river bed—"

"How did you feel about that, Giancarlo?"

"Felt bad, man.  I thought of the story it told of a river that flowed, and I was sad to see it was dead."

"Giancarlo, did you eat that horse—"

"Will you get off the fucking horse, man?  Look, maybe nine days after I was out there, I let the horse run free, because the desert had turned to sea.  You know what?  The ocean is a desert with its life underground, and the perfect disguise above.  Under the cities lies a heart made of ground, but you dickheads in the media won't give it no love."

Stanton subsequently admitted that he had survived in good part by eating small, spineless cacti he was able to discover out in the desert.  Soon after he devoured the first one, he was guided through the sands by a number of verbose, oversized animals, including a coyote and a crow.

He also described meeting "a man of knowledge," who would suddenly appear and disappear.  Stanton described this individual as a jolly, rotund figure, "both black and white," who might suddenly materialize right in front of him or on the top of a distant mountain.

At all times, though, Stanton recalled that this "man of knowledge" had a beer in one hand, a ham hock in the other, and two beautiful women wrapped around him.

"He taught me many things," the slugger related.  "Things about the game I never knew or understood before.  He opened up my whole mind.  He talked about hitting to the opposite field, and taking pitches, and playing the outfield, and even bunting.

"I asked what all this was, and he just threw back his head and laughed.  He said...he said...it was a Yanqui way of knowledge—"

At that moment, Stanton, whose travails had reduced him to a mere 125 pounds, collapsed into the arms of his doctors.  They later assured reporters that he would be fine, after a few more days of rest and rehydration.

The story of Stanton's reappearance was immediately conveyed to Yankees GM Brian Cashman in the darkened, bird-fortified bunker he is now residing in under Yankee Stadium, after an unfortunate, Opening Day lizard misrecognition episode.

Cashmere's eyes reportedly glowed with delight when he heard the news, and he had to blink back tears of joy.

"Now-now I can trade Frazier at last!" he was headed to cry out.  "Now I got that red-headed bastard right where I want him!  Bwahahahahahah!"

Desperation .....

According to Roger Goodell, the recently completed NFL 2020 draft  ( 72 hours ) set a record for audience..... watching on TV, and from the Kremlin.

This, for the single most boring event, in the world.

All fans would be just as happy to receive a text of the players their team selected, and a second list of un-drafted free agents signed. No TV required.  Nor pre-draft hype, draft day ( s) hype, or post draft hype.

We are so eager for anything that gives even a semblance of live sports, that 8 zillion idiots tuned in for the endless commercials,  and the meaningless bull-shit vomited out of the mouths of Mel Keiper and others.  For 72 fucking hours.

And we are supposed to be thrilled to learn that all of these people actually live somewhere?  In rooms?  Sometimes with pets?  What an intimate insight.

Personally, I think the NFL should extend the draft to a full week.  One player for each team, for each round. Start at 7am EST and end no later than midnight.  And here is the kicker;  no one
involved ( including...especially...Roger Goodell )....is allowed to sleep until Mr. Irrelevant goes to the Giants , at the end of round 7.

Maybe we will watch MLB with no fans and artificial sounds.  How tough can it be, by the way, to fake crowd shots?

If we turn this task over to the Astros , they will know how to fool everyone into thinking what we are watching is real.

We are fucking desperate.

Plague Theater: Breaking news: Thurman Munson is dead

In so many ways, it's still too soon...

Scarlett and the death of Yankee news

For those of you who are feeling alone, adrift, isolated, starved for human interaction - and who are not drinking heavily  - here's a chewable nugget of hope (via Reddit): 

Scarlett Johannson is one of us... a Yankee fan! She used to keep a rookie card of Derek Jeter in her wallet. Yes, she carried a wallet!

And there it is, your official Yankee news for the day. 

Cough.

Actually, here is the News: There is no Yankee news for today, as there was none for yesterday, or for the day before, or for tomorrow, or for the day after tomorrow. Our car has stopped in a Yankee news desert, and until Giancarlo tweaks a gonad - he's overdue - we won't hear much on the wires. Now and then, Cooperstown Cashman or Aaron Boone will say something, anything, and Yankee fans will gather like lines outside a food bank, waiting to devour and digest their nothing-burger sentences. But for today, here it is: The Black Widow is a Yank fan. That's your ration of beans until tomorrow. Make it last. 

But wait... I saved a dollop of tofu gravy, just for you. We have another tidbit:

Over the weekend, Aaron Judge turned 28. Twenty-eight. Is this possible? Didn't he just win Rookie of the Year? He's only been around a couple seasons, right? Just long enough to be screwed out of the MVP award by a cheater, am I right? 

Well, he's 28. You can look it up. From a stats standpoint - (we being scientists of the game) - 28 should be near his apex season. Between 27 and 29, hitters generally peak. Though it may be impossible to beat his rookie season, 2020 should be one of the most productive years of Judge's life... (unless he is to be cheated out of another MVP, this time by the juju gods.) 

For whatever it's worth, here are the Yankees who could miss peak seasons, if 2020 is canceled.  

Luis Cessa 28
Gerrit Cole 29
Jordan Montgomery 27
Chad Green 28
Gary Sanchez 27
Mike Ford 27
Gio Urshela 28
Luke Voit 29
Aaron Judge 28
Mike Tauchman 29

Imagine the stress on - say - Gio Urshela, who needs to prove that 2019 was no fluke. A solid 2020 would surely mean a fat contract and lifetime security. A lost season? Well, that means he goes to arbitration next winter at age 29 and questions still circling overhead. He probably takes whatever the Yankees offer. I mean, when you knitted masks all year, do you want to go into arbitration? A year older and nothing to show for it. 

I can only imagine the disappointment and stresses being faced by baseball players this month. So, nope... we're not alone. In our drifting life raft, we have plenty of room. Hell, we have Scarlett!

Yanks Suffer First Virtual Pineapple Loss. Concerns Grow Over Master.

The Virtual New York Yankees seemed to be on the verge of sweeping the Cleveland Napoleons yesterday, only to suffer the team's first pineapple loss, 8-7 in ten innings.

In keeping with the Yanks' latest Season of Grit, the team battled back from early deficits of 1-2 and 2-3, behind desperation starter Luis "Unnessa" Cessa.  Their new call-up, 41-year-old Eric "Methuselah" Kratz, belted his first home run as a Yankee to tie the score in the seventh, then El Matador, Miguel Andujar lashed a grand-slam home run ten rows back in the left field stands, to put a little sunshine into the fans on a cold, drizzly day at Yankee Stadium.

But even with a 7-3 lead headed into the ninth, the Bombers' vaunted bullpen failed for once to bring it home.  First, Adam "Mr. Zero" Ottavino surrendered two runs on three walks followed by two consecutive wild pitches.  

Rushed in to try to salvage the game, Sweats Chapman walked another batter, struck out the next two Naps, then surrendered a two-run, game-tying double to Francisco Lindor.  In the tenth, Carlos Santana's long home run off Tommy Kahnle put the Bonapartists on top.

New York loaded the bases with none out against Cleveland closer Brad Hand in the bottom of the inning, but longtime Yankees nemesis Oliver Perez entered the game to strike out Brett Gardner, and induce late-game defensive replacement Estevan Florial to ground into a game-ending double-play.

Frustrated at his 0-23 start as a big leaguer, Florial leapt up and pounded the ceiling on his way back to the clubhouse, breaking two fingers and putting himself out of action for the next three weeks.

"Well, after all, it was a low ceiling," said manager Aaron Boone when he got the report on Florial.

Joining Florial on the DL was Kratz, after his first appearance replacing Chris Iannetta, who was felled by a bout of rheumatism.  Kratz's dramatic home run got the arthritis in his back and knees a-barkin' as he trotted around the bases, and they did not respond to the team doctor's usual arthritis remedy of rubbing bacon and toad scales on the injured areas.

Meanwhile, concerns continued to grow over the state of Yankees broadcaster John Sterling's mental health.

For the second day in a row, Sterling seemed possessed by bizarre delusions.  This time, he told doctors that he had once again been able to slip through the "time portal" he had previously found at Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital, where he is still undergoing a battery of tests.

"Unfortunately, you can only come out in 1904," related Sterling.

He then claimed to have lived through the next 16 years, until Babe Ruth was sold to the Yankees for the 1920 season.  Sterling said that he altered the baseball events of that year, managing to keep Cleveland shortstop Ray Chapman from being fatally beaned by Carl Mays at the Polo Grounds, and get the Yanks into a nine-game World Series against the Brooklyn Dodgers—a Series that featured an astonishing home-run rampage by the Babe.

He further claimed to have stayed around long enough to make sure Ruth did NOT get an infected elbow against the Giants in 1921, enabling the Yankees to win that Series, too.

Asked by his doctors how he had possibly managed to survive in the American economy of over 100 years ago, Sterling said he had worked at all sorts of different trades:  "I was a breaker boy, a carney market, a roustabout, a lumberjack, a metal flanger, a ward heeler..anything I could do to help out the Yankees!"

Asked if he had "interfered" with any other events in history, Sterling said he had "tried to warn the duke"—referring to the assassination of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand, which set off World War I—but that the royal heir's driver had taken an unexpected route to visit the wounded in a Sarajevo hospital.

"There's no predicting the actions of Habsburg chauffeurs in some provincial city they've never seen before!" Sterling tried to explain.

Doctors found the venerable radio voice's reports a disturbing reflection of his apparent inner turmoil.

Every ball fan, of course, already knows of Ruth's herculean 12 home runs in the Yanks' 5-4 win over Brooklyn in the 1920 World Series, along with the unassisted triple play pulled off in that Series by Frank "Home Run" Baker.  They also remember the 7 home runs the Babe followed with, in the Yankees' 5-3 triumph over McGraw's Giants in 1921.

Less well-known is Chapman, who baseball historians noted was not "killed" at all in 1920, but quit the majors to work in his father-in-law's utilities business, soon after the then-Indians finished a close second that season.  Chapman died at the age of 90 in 1981, surrounded by his large and loving family, and still lamenting the fact that the Indians had never won the World Series.

The fact that Suzyn Waldman managed to find a photograph of Gavrilo Princip being arrested by an Austro-Hungarian officer in a hussar's uniform who bore an uncanny resemblance to Sterling was discounted as a mere coincidence.

Plague Theater: Mariano plays prop in unbelievable rap commercial

You wonder what is going through Mariano's head?