Thursday, April 30, 2020

The logistical challenge of playing baseball in 2020 requires one superhuman problem-solver, and his name is Jared Kushner

When you ponder MLB's current plan for baseball this year - opening around July 1 with 30 teams, empty home stadiums and no farm clubs - everything boils down to one breathtaking challenge of logistics, a Manhattan Project for sports. 

Yes, finally... a task worthy of Jared Kushner.

Consider the variables and questions: 

Can the league keep players, coaches and stadium staffs safe for - say - 90 games and a post-season? Keep in mind that one breach of security - one outbreak - could overwhelm a team and kill what had been a pennant race. 

Without farm clubs, how will franchises keep a roster of replacements? 
Considering the Yankees' unprecedented wave of injuries last year - 30 players missed time - it's hard to imagine the team needing a larder of less than 80. (To be safe, they'd probably need 100 bodies on call.) With no farm teams, that means running 30 extended, quarantined spring training camps in Florida and Arizona - maybe with families being isolated, as well. 

This goes far beyond the capabilities of Commissioner Rob Manfred or his lovable ownership committees. Baseball needs the kind of Slim-Fast-slurping super-being capable of siring a Trumpian offspring, and those in-law ladies from Fox News - however adept they are at crushing opponents in reality TV - cannot out-Jared Jared. 

Would baseball actually hold a World Series in empty stadiums, with crickets instead of delirious fans? This belongs on The Twilight Zone, not ESPN. It might be better than nothing... but not much better. The Lords of the Game - billionaires who are used to having every decision far to their advantage - now face a massive lose-lose situation. They need somebody who can reassure them that everything can be taken care of... if they know they right guy.

Not to say the season cannot be saved. Right now, the Yankees' YES Network is desperate for programming - anything live and moving - and every cable TV outlet across America is screaming for content. In NY, the Attorney General is calling for cable systems to lower their fees, because they've failed to deliver their most anticipated product: Prime-time sports. The Steinbrenner family will never miss a meal. Their yachts won't even miss a paste-waxing. But without fresh meat for YES, a few cabana boys may have to go. And only one man has the talent to make things happen.

For now, it makes sense to make plans. But if America suffers a second epidemic in the fall - as Doc Fauci (a Yankee fan, by the way) predicts - I can't think of a worse situation than to cancel 2020... again. I could be all wrong about this. But whomever takes on the job of creating the Pandemic League, good luck. America needs a hero. Where have you gone, Jared Kushner, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo-woo-woo.

9 comments:

Carl J. Weitz said...

Jared is much like Trump in that they are both fuck-ups that pissed away most of what their fathers gave them. Jared with the NY Observer and 666 Fifth Avenue (aptly addressed by the way) in which he was so desperate for cash that he tried to extort money from Chinese investors in exchange for access to Dolt 45.That is in addition to other slumlord properties he mismanaged while his dad was in prison.

Obviously Mr Duque was being tongue-in-cheek and it was a very humorous post. I liken his take on Jared to be like Mel Brooks hiring Larry David to be Max Bialystock in The Producers in season 4.

Judith said...

We don't need Jared. Andrew Giuliani is already on the job!
https://www.cnbc.com/2019/11/22/rudy-giulianis-son-makes-95000-as-sports-liaison-for-white-house.html

Stang said...

Will ballclubs hog tests & PPE needed by hospitals? Hard to think otherwise. Maybe playing this year is a bad idea.

Ajax said...

This might be a job for Jim Brockmire ...

HoraceClarke66 said...

I want to be a "sports liaison" when I grow up.

Incidentally, I thought Andrew hated his father. Apparently not.

Carl J. Weitz said...

Horace...he SHOULD hate his dad. 3/4 of America do. But specifically, in his case, he should hate Rudy Nosferatu for being a philandering fool and publicly humiliating both he and mother repeatedly... all over the NY media. I'm sure he has suffered a deep lifetime scar at his father's dirty little hands.

Carl J. Weitz said...

his mother*

HoraceClarke66 said...

It used to be he wouldn't talk to his father. I guess when Dad can get you a $95,000 no-show job at the White House, that attitude changes.

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