By now, he knows the restaurants, the bars, the streets, the zip codes and the car dealers. He's still never been to the Coal Museum. He's heard the Harry Chapin song about the bananas 50 times. He's got a favorite TV anchor, a Blockbuster membership, circle of friends and maybe a library card -- no longer using Eric Duncan's.
Phil Hughes is starting Year III in Scranton.
This is good. This is what he needs. This is where the blogger suck-ups and publicists get replaced by the old Asian ladies at the flea market. This is right.
Supposedly, a guy named Archibald "Moonlight" Graham played for Scranton in the New York State league, after having a cup of coffee with the New York Giants in 1905. He led Scranton to the pennant in 1906. The Scranton papers called him "Doc," because he was studying to be a doctor. That tidbit morphed into a character in"Shoeless Joe" by W.P. Kinsella and later the movie, "Field of Dreams."
In 1786, Scranton's first European settlers -- the Abbott brothers -- founded a gristmill. In 1800 the Slocum brothers took over and named the area Slocumville. In 1840, the Scranton brothers arrived. In 1984, the Hudson Brothers burst onto the scene, but that's a different story.
In 1902, Lackawanna Iron and Steel Company left Scranton for Buffalo, pissing off everybody in Scranton. If Hughes ever pitches against Buffalo, he better bean a few.
In the early 1900s, Scranton won the highly coveted nickname "Anthracite Capital of the World." Wheeling never recovered.
According to a city news release: "Each year, more and more visitors discover this hidden gem at the foothills of the Poconos Mountains."
Our hidden gem: Phil "Moonlight" Hughes.
Mr. Scranton.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Phil Hughes Replacing Biden as Icon of Scranton
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Spam of the Week
This is poetry:
Don't be sad about badboner. We will help you.
Want your skills and endurance in love to skyrocket? http://oonyb.classified.at/
Florida, Alaska, may ban Youkilis
See? That headline is what's called Yankifying the news. You wouldn't have cared about it, but the notion of another character assassination attack on Youkilis drew you in.
That's what we do. As for the story...?
Too much government regulation, if you ask me.
If the beastiality is made unlawful, then only the criminals will be beastial.
Redsock Nation accuses Jeet of Wrecking Youk's ankle in victory scrum
It's sort of like Limbaugh saying the election shouldn't count because of Obama's Hawaiian birth certificate. In fact, it's sort of nice to think.
Image those two 500-pound columns of concrete, known as Jeter's legs, landing square on old Ironhead's bruised left forepaw. Makes you think there is a God. Or a true Yankee captain.
Friday, March 20, 2009
One's hitting .382 with power, the other .242. Yep. Too close to call.
Is Giardi serious, or is he angling to host Saturday Night Live?
The lede from Newsday:
The update on the Yankees' centerfield race: It's still too close to call.
The story's MOS (moment of shit.)
"Melky didn't panic," he (Giardi) said. "He just kept working and doing his thing. That's a sign of maturity."
Considering the tale of Bubba Trammell (below), maybe Melky should worry.
The concrete bomb barrier that is Derek Jeter on June 1
Can we come to grips with the fact that Derek Jeter will need a defensive replacement this year, and we still have nobody?
By May whatever, when Mirror Lips returns, Jeter's fielding could be a daily back page soap opera.
Tell me again why we traded Alberto Gonzalez? Was it the firing of the U.S. Attorneys?
Yes, it's traitorous to talk about replacing Jeter. They'll come with torches and burn down the blog. But why have not gone out and sought an infield leatherman other than Angel "the Bowling Pin" Berroa? (Alias, The Second Coming of Wilson Betemit.) The gloves were out there. Nick Green, for example. With the bat, he's incontinent. But the guy can field.
Ninth inning. One run lead. Does Joe have the guts to put in a replacement for Jeter?
Or are we purposely not signing somebody, so he can't be second-guessed?
Open Letter to Cody Ransom: Ever hear the tale of Bubba Trammell?
Dear Mr. Ransom, (NOTE: OK, OK, STOP PHONING, IT'S CROSBY, NOT TRAMMELL)
First, thank you for being a Yankee. Let me assure you that every multi-celled creature of the Yankiverse wants you to succeed. We're clinging to any hint of Scott Brosiusism that lets us avoid the juiced-up Alfred E. Newman we find every morning on the back page.
Secondly, I hope I'm wrong here.
You're about to get Bubba Trammpled.
In the winter of 2003, Bubba Trammell was a hustling, second-tier prospect who served as our CF lawn ornament before we signed Johnny Damon. He is remembered for a few early home runs, a post-season collision with Gary Sheffield, and sadly, his diagnosis for clinical depression that caused him to leave baseball for a while.
In the weeks before we signed Damon, Brian Cashman often told reporters he foresaw Bubba as our starting CF.
This, of course, was a steaming plate of Cashman's finest bullshit. He was trying to chistle a few dimes from Damon. Maybe it worked. Dunno. What it surely did, though, was remind Yankees never to believe the front office. I suspect management consultants doubt the wisdom of such styles, but I could be wrong.
Sir, expect the worst.
Right now, we seem to have too many relief pitchers. This is rare. If Cash loves to do anything, it is pull ragdolls off the scrap heap. That's how we got Dan Giese, Brett Tomko and Jeff Johnson. (And you.) Because those guys have no options, one might make this team, forcing the likes of Alfredo Aceves, David Robertson, Phil Hughes, et al, to Columbus-Wilkes Barre.
Expect Cash to pull a trade. He'll try to convert somebody into an infielder.
In the next two weeks, some overpaid slob 3B will lose his job. That team will look to dump him. They always need bullpen arms.
Don't let this get to you. Do your job. Stay focused. But don't get comfortable. And don't pose for any magazines.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Time to Vote: Who is the all-tme greatest Yankee "Wally?"
The polls are open.
This is the kind of battle, the kind of superhuman grudge, that makes U.S. democracy the most exciting spectator sport in the world. And this duel is reminiscent of Ali-Frazier, Jerry Lewis-Dean Martin, and Max v. Blaster in "Beyond Thunderdome."
WHITEHURST v. PIPP
Two Wallys enter...
Vote. Now.
Vote Suspended Via Mercy Rule: Nelson named All-Time Greatest Yankee "Jeff"
It wasn't close. No sense holding an election when one party isn't even competing. The Republicans proved it last year.
Jeff Nelson is the all-time top Yankee "Jeff."
Weaver came in second, Torborg third.
Congratulations, Nellie!
Tragic Death of Natasha Richardson Should Give All Yankee Fans Pause to Call for the Beaning of Youkilis
We offer our condolences to the family of Natasha Richardson.
Her death has prompted a little soul-searching about the way we've called for beanings of a certain Redsock.
FOR THE RECORD: WE HEREBY RESCIND OUR CALLS FOR THE VIOLENT, POTENTIALLY FATAL BEANING OF KEVIN YOUKILIS.
Neck. We say... Think neck.
Square on the neck. Windpipe. Adam's apple. Vocal chords.
Yes. A 98-mph lead grenade to the old voicebox ought to make him sing a different tune -- and at a higher octave, too, heh heh.
No more Youkilis beanings!
IT'S CLOTHESLINE TIME, BABY!
MUTE THE YOUK!
"Matty?" Is that what Matsui has become? "Matty?"
Joe Girardi is not exactly Chris Berman. Last week, it was Gardy. Now, from today's Newsday ("Newsy?") on the matter of our Japanese import.
"I still think it's something we're going to have to watch all year long with Matty," Girardi said before the Yankees hit the road...
Matty?
Please. Stop.
Corporations Can Downsize Without Impacting Anyone
In this rotten and deteriorating economy, corporations of every ilk and hue are letting go fine people in order to cut costs, pay bonuses to their executives and stay in business.
Here is a logical suggestion that , if followed, will allow for any necessary downsizing while not impacting anyone:
Fire all Red sox fans first. As seen in the game-day photo to the right, Boston Red Sox fans are skanks. So who will care if they don't have jobs?
At Yankee games, these tasteless, angry morons do nothing but yell obscenities against our players and fans. They don't come to support their team, they come to defile and denigrate the air, the seats, and the environment around them.
Then fire any employee with a connection to Massachusetts. It is likely that anyone born in Massachusetts, or linked to family in that place, are also members of the "Red sox Nation." Let them join together in unemployment, then. It will be a positive binding thing for their little nation.
Most companies won't have to fire more than 10-20% of their employees to stay afloat, and cutting out the Red-Sox related fat will make this task simple. According to national survey data, getting rid of one Red Sox fan is the equivalent of firing 20-25 normal people, so the skies will begin brightening rather quickly for any company or Government that pursues this technique.
Let Go Red Sox !!!!
Top All-Time Yankees With Famous Names
1. Kenny Rogers
2. John Kennedy
3. Mike Meyers
4. Bobby Brown
5. Paul O'Neill
6. Alberto Gonzalez
The Yankees Need an Office of Thrift Supervision
in the Division of Boondoggle Analysis...
within the Department of Legislative Stipulation...
(not affiliated with the former Administration of Codes Information and Wildlife, which -- since joining the Executive Action Group -- is now known as the Central Agency of Print Copies Dispersal)
which is part of the Agency of Random Order Development (AROD)...
Congress To AIG Execs: Return Bonus Or Be Forced To Attend WBC Games
Return the ill-gotten loot to Uncle Sam pronto, or be forced to attend all the remaining World Baseball Classic games in person.
A staffer who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity said "we want these fat cats [who refuse to give their bonus back] to fill up the empty seats and watch their favorite major leaguers risk injury in meaningless games."
Under the draft proposal, each participating AIG executive would be flown to the WBC games on luxury executive jets and stay in five-star hotels, all paid for by the U.S. government.
"Even with those expenses, our plan will save the taxpayers significant money," the staffer said.
Exclusive: Transcript of Arod's Photo Session with Details
O my, now, onto the mattress, king boy! O yes, o yes, o yes! Work it! You're A-Rod. You're mean! Grrrrreeeowwl! You're on fire! Sizzle, scorch, sizzle! Tiger on fire! Kitty-kitty-kitty! Meow! Gimmie some ice water! Pour it out! Who dat in the mirror? Who dat in the mirror!
You’re a beast! A man-eating beast! Onto your belly! Gimmie 10, Marine! You're in the Corps! Sgt. Barry Bonds is a pussycat! Sgt. Babe Ruth is a worm! Think Derek Jeeeeeeeeter, grrrrrrrrrowl! Hello-o-o, Derek! See me now? O, the socks! Gimmie 10! Gimmie some sugar!
OK, onto the back! O, lift the leg! Kitty want thigh! Kitty want man-cake! Hump it, hold it, yeahhhhh, you're Papa now! Who dat pretty man in da glass? Who dat pretty man? In the sailor suit! Who dat pretty man in de sailor suit! YOWZER! LOOK AT THE TIRE, O, YES!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Vote Now for the All-Time Yankee "Jeff"
Who is it?
Johnson?
Juden?
Karstens?
Nelson?
Reardon?
Weaver?
Torborg?
The people must decide.
The power is you... the people.
If Aaron Boone watches this, he might die
Hoping his heart surgery does well.
(It's been all downhill ever since.)
Trouble in Paradise... that is, Binghamton
Oooooohkay....
Williams was hired in March 2008 as the university’s regional director of major gifts, and she switched to raising money for the athletic department in January. She said the harassment began her first day in the department, when she was told by Lewis that she needed to engage a donor at a Binghamton game because he liked “chesty, loudmouthed women.”
One week later, she said, she attended a dinner in New York with Siegel, Lewis and major donors from a fraternity. Soon after dinner began, she said, a donor began putting $100 bills on the table and asked her to tell him to stop when there were enough there for her to sleep with him.
Siegel and Lewis encouraged and participated in harassment the rest of the night, according to her complaint. She said that they speculated on her chest size and that Lewis suggested she strip for a donor who was planning a bachelor party.
At their hotel after dinner, according to the complaint, Siegel grabbed her breast in an elevator and told her he wanted to “make sure it was up to standard.” She said Siegel spoke with her the next morning in the lobby, saying: “We’re all O.K., right? Nothing happened last night.”
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