Attn: Brian Cashman -- Advice and One-Liners for CC

Dear Mr. Cashman,

It has been some time now since we last spoke. At the end of the day, we've always liked you and we know you usually try your hardest.

I know their have been times when we didn't fully support you (Giambi, Pavano, the non-trade for Johan, Kei Igawa, etc.), but their have also been wonderful times where you had a better track record than King Midas (seriously, who thought David Justice had an offensive run in him like the one he put up after the NYY acquired him in 2000, and you all but plucked CMW out of obscurity and made him a star).

This is why today I wanted to offer some advice and potential one-lines, pick-up lines or 'deal-closers' you can use on Carsten Charles while you meet with him this weekend:

(Pleae note that if you so desire, a grant in the amount of $100k made out to IIH, IIF, IIc would be most welcomed)

-We need you, CC. You will lead us into our next dynasty era. You complete me.

-Peter Luger? I'm thinking a reserved booth in your name, 24/7.

-Have you seen what our current pitching staff is right now? Shit....

-Did I say $140 over six? I meant $175 over 7! And you can have Hank's share!

-Your wife likes the West Coast? Did she know we could re-name New Jersey after her? Fuck Tony and Carmela Soprano, you'd be the king and queen of Jersey.

-Ohhhh, your wife is a Madonna fan? Well, you'll never guess what...

-Candy before games? Sure, that's no problem at all my rotund friend (pulls out cellphone to fire Girardi and hire Abraham as new manager).

-Mike Cameron? No problem (somewhere in the Dominican Republic, Melky Cabrera suspiciously disappears on his way home from KFC).

-Do you know what would look good on you? Pinstripes and $100 bills, yo!

-Here's my Blackberry. Call the Giants, Angels, Dodgers and Brewers and tell 'em you're not coming home tonight, baby face.

-I think about you when I whack my mackerel. How does that make you feel?

-We want you to be the face of our franchise. A-Rod is already the ass.

-Think of all the endorsements, Nike, Gatorade, White Castle, Peter Luger, Slim Fast. You'll be richer than rich. A-Rod will ask YOU for spare $100s.

-LeBron is coming to town, est. time of arrival 2010. You two will own dis' bitch.

-Wow, Mrs. Sabathia, are you really as beautiful as you seem, or do you just remind me of myself (hiccup)?

-You have amazing breasts Mrs. Sabathia. Brown or pink nipples?

-We know you like batting, so we were thinking that with Nick Swisher as our everyday 1B, you'll get plenty of opportunities to pinch hit.