Transcripts From Sox' Front Office Bug Revealed: The Teixeira Afternoon

Happy Holidays to all!

After a week of undercover journalism, I'm back with much to report.

Thanks to a relative in the F.B.I., I was able to secure a few listening devices.

One can only imagine what happens when Federal Surveillance Equipment falls into the hands of the It Is High investigative reporting team.

Disguised as unemployed Aramark employee looking to submit tax information to the Redsocks' front office personnel, I was able to slip into Theo Epstein's office and plant a XP-09 transmitter (spy-speak for a 'bug').

The first day, Monday, the 22nd of December, didn't yield much except for a few phone calls to 1-900 numbers, a few phone calls to a brain surgeon regarding Kevin Youkilis and a whole lot of Mark Teixeira speak, such as what foolish team would take Mike Lowell's albatross of a contract off their hands.

However, as everyone in Yankiverse can attest to, everything changed Tuesday, the 23rd.

What follows is an exclusive conversation between John Henry, Larry Lucchino and Epstein, recorded at 2:40 p.m. on 12/23/08:

(The opening sounds indicate severe destruction, similar to the sound of a cheap metal chair being smashed against a wooden door. The sound of shattering glass is crystal clear)

Epstein: "Whoa, Larry what's the deal? My mom bought me that vase from Bon Ton for Hanukkah last year..."

Lucchino: "Theo! Have you seen the news?!?! Have you turned on a goddam TV or radio since lunch?! Or have you had your nose buried in that 'Leisure Suit Larry' video game all afternoon?"

Epstein: "Geez Larry, well, I finally found the diamond ring in the sink at the bar, now I can propose to the prostitute and make it to the next level! Did something happen? I've been killing time waiting for Scott and Mark to call -"

Lucchino: "Well, you're gonna keep waiting you little snot nosed punk! The goddam Evil Empire just signed Tex for 8 years and $180 mil!"

Epstein: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"

(More sounds of destruction, followed by yelps of pain, and screams of agony. Suddenly, the distinct sound of a old, heavy wooden door slowly creaking open)

Henry: (Yawns first) "What seems to be the problem, gentlemen? Your tomfoolery woke me from my slumber."

Lucchino: "Count Henry!!! Be careful good sir, it is a full two hours until sunset!!! Steer clear of the window, for a ray of sunshine could end th-"

Epstein: "Count Henry, the Empire swooped in at the last second and signed my man-crush, er - I mean our first baseman we have targeted for years, Mark Teixeira, to an eight-year deal!"

Henry: "Ahhhh, young Mark from Anaheim? Yes, yes, he is a lovely looking boy, with fair skin and what must be delectable blood, similar to a mid-region Chianti from the 70's -- WHAT THE FUCK, THE YANKEES GOT HIM?!?!?!"

Lucchino: "Yes Count, I just came in now to inform Theo, but alas, he was nose deep in video games and hookers."

Epstein: "Now Larry, thats not fair! I was just killing time waiting for Scott to call. He said unless the Earth stopped spinning, he'd call at 2 p.m. EST with Mark to hammer out the details."

Henry: "The ring for the whore is in the sink at the bar, Theo."

Lucchino: "Would you two forget about that stupid, adolescent, soft-core porn video game? My God, our entire offseason just got screwed! At this point, the Yankees, Tex and Boras are making us grab our ankles on a national stage!"

Henry: "Actually, Larry, the more politically-correct statement is now BOHICA."

Lucchino: "BOHICA, Count?"

Henry: "Bend over, here it comes again!"

Epstein: (Heard giggling) "That's pretty good Count!"

Lucchino: "Well, what the hell are we going to do? WEEI is reporting that an angry mob with pitchforks and torches are forming and mobilizing in Kenmore Square in front of the Pizzeria Uno! They're not that far away, Count, and you can't be seen during daylight hours! We have to do something, Curly Hair Shaughnessy has a midnight deadline, and if we don't counter this move, him and Tony Assarotti will slay us in The Boston Gammon's Globe tomorrow!"

Henry: "Ooooh, I hate that asshole Dan Shaughnessy... Between him and Assarotti, two asshole columnists at one rag? What is this world coming to? Young Theo, my apprentice, what doth thou have on thy back burnereth?"

Epstein: "Well, we have the Penny deal all but done, we just have to make sure his right arm is still physically attached to the shoulder socket, but we were going to wait to announce that until --"

Henry: "I imagine that Bradley Penny has fabulous tasting blood! He's been engaging in the Southern California diet for the last few years!"

Lucchino: (slams a fist on Henry's coffin) "I've got it! Let's call the St. Louis Cardinals and see how much Pujols would cost in a trade! We could do the same with Florida about that shortstop we sent there for Beckett and the Ghost of Mike Lowell a few years ago! Then, we could release to the media that we've 'had talks about pursuing tardes for Pujols and the shortstop', and it could very well appease our fans long enough so we can figure out what the hell we're going to -- COUNT!!! Don't suck Theo's blood, we need him to play darling and sweet talk the media!!! Plus, he has guitar practice with Gammons tonight and he may suspect something."

Henry: (over the sounds of sucking blood from Theo's neck) "Trust me, Gammons knows the score...." (the tape ends with an evil, Vincent Price-esque cackle)

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More to come, as I imagine it will take Henry quite some time to discover the transmitter in his bed, er, coffin...